SoftHeart Posted June 3, 2010 Share Posted June 3, 2010 I'm not really sure what I'm looking for...I typed into google "I don't want to kill myself" and I found this site. Truth is, I don't want to kill myself in anyway, but some times I want to disappear. I don't want to exist anymore. I'm young, I just graduated college with a 3.9 GPA. I moved out of my small town to the big city...people look at me and they are usually jealous. I've made my own success. I'm told all the time I'm always smiling. The thing is...I'm not really. I cry every single night. I feel so completely alone in this world I don't know what I'm doing here. I'm the girl everyone runs to when they need someone to listen. When they need to borrow something or need help. I have no one there to listen when I need a friend though. I used to have a group of close friends back in high school...now I really don't have any friends. Right now, I'm in the town my college is in. I decided to get a job here rather than going home for the summer to sort of prove to the world that I am a mature adult now. However, the friends (acquaintances) I do have all went home. My boyfriend went home (1.5 hrs away) and my roommates went home. So when I say I am alone....I mean I go to work where I am the new girl everyone loves to hate, I come home to an empty house and I go to bed. As I said, I do have a boyfriend of two years. I try to tell him how I feel-like a failure, sad and anxious-but he doesn't understand and he doesn't know how to handle a crying girl. I told him about a year ago I wanted to crash my car into a tree...I think he responded with "awww". Its like I have no control over my own emotions. Nothing makes me happy. I have no motivation to be creative like I once was, I don't write anymore, I don't even want to get out of bed. I secretly despise everything I am & everything I am not. I'm so tired from hiding all of this sadness and despair and being seen as the smiley sweetheart. I can't tell people or seek some sort of help with the anxiety and depression though because I think these issues are so abstract...it's all in my head. I should be able to control these problems but I can't. Please understand I'm not trying to complain about my oh so horrible life. My life isn't so horrible to an outsiders perspective. To me however, the effort it takes to prove myself as a happy, successful person when I actually sit alone in my room and cry for hours every night is dreadful. I'm sorry I'm just not sure what to do... Alone & hopeless, SoftHeart Link to comment
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