I'm just kinda lost...

[SoftHeart]

I'm not really sure what I'm looking for...I typed into google "I don't want to kill myself" and I found this site. Truth is, I don't want to kill myself in anyway, but some times I want to disappear. I don't want to exist anymore.

 

I'm young, I just graduated college with a 3.9 GPA. I moved out of my small town to the big city...people look at me and they are usually jealous. I've made my own success. I'm told all the time I'm always smiling. The thing is...I'm not really.

 

I cry every single night. I feel so completely alone in this world I don't know what I'm doing here. I'm the girl everyone runs to when they need someone to listen. When they need to borrow something or need help. I have no one there to listen when I need a friend though. I used to have a group of close friends back in high school...now I really don't have any friends. Right now, I'm in the town my college is in. I decided to get a job here rather than going home for the summer to sort of prove to the world that I am a mature adult now. However, the friends (acquaintances) I do have all went home. My boyfriend went home (1.5 hrs away) and my roommates went home. So when I say I am alone....I mean I go to work where I am the new girl everyone loves to hate, I come home to an empty house and I go to bed.

 

As I said, I do have a boyfriend of two years. I try to tell him how I feel-like a failure, sad and anxious-but he doesn't understand and he doesn't know how to handle a crying girl. I told him about a year ago I wanted to crash my car into a tree...I think he responded with "awww".

 

Its like I have no control over my own emotions. Nothing makes me happy. I have no motivation to be creative like I once was, I don't write anymore, I don't even want to get out of bed. I secretly despise everything I am & everything I am not. I'm so tired from hiding all of this sadness and despair and being seen as the smiley sweetheart. I can't tell people or seek some sort of help with the anxiety and depression though because I think these issues are so abstract...it's all in my head. I should be able to control these problems but I can't.

 

Please understand I'm not trying to complain about my oh so horrible life. My life isn't so horrible to an outsiders perspective. To me however, the effort it takes to prove myself as a happy, successful person when I actually sit alone in my room and cry for hours every night is dreadful.

 

I'm sorry I'm just not sure what to do...

Alone & hopeless,

SoftHeart

[25isRough]

I've found being this age is very difficult. Finding friends after college isn't easy and you can never truly trust your co-workers. But don't be afraid to go talk to a professional.. Whatever you're feeling isn't crazy or abnormal and they can help you sort thru those feelings. Help you figure out why you're feeling them and how to make it better. Just know you're not alone thats for sure! It's difficult to keep up a facade all the time and sometimes it finally just wears us down. It's okay! It's not the best solution... But whenever I'm feeling down I try and think of the people who have it so much worse than I do and then things don't seem quite as bad. You're okay, you're normal, successful, intelligent!

[savignon]

I'm so sorry you're hurting. Have you considered talking to a professional? Sometimes it feels good to have that kind of outlet and someone who's undoubtedly on your side, working in your best interest and won't judge you.

*hugs*

[catfeeder]

The problem with trying to outhink our own problems is that this usually creates a whole new set of problems.

 

I assigned my fatigue to laziness, my pallor to a need for sun and when I could no longer pretend that my hair wasn't falling out, I showed up with my diagnosis of a thyroid problem all ready for the doc. I was wrong, it was anemia.

 

You don't need a self-diagnosis all packaged and ready to present to a professional who is TRAINED to work with your abstractions. Your problems are as real, as valid and as treatable to someone who is schooled in this stuff for years as any physical symptoms are to an MD. Trying to solve them yourself can lead you into a deep trap as you pile up the failures with feelings of, well, failure.

 

It doesn't need to be that way. You're off the hook, and you're as entitled as anyone else to take advantage of the counseling paid by your tuition, or therapy that can be more helpful and rewarding than you might believe.

 

I hope you'll consider liberating yourself from the job of playing your own secret caretaker, and I also hope you'll consider yourself welcome here and supported by all of us humans who understand what you might think nobody can understand.

 

Write more if it helps, and hang in there.

[anu1560]

i have felt like that. and talked to a professional. it helps a lot.

[lubo]

You have described how I felt for years.

 

You have come on here and opened up which is a positive step. As someone above said seek someone who will listen to you. It's the best thing I have ever done. What worries you may seem trivial or silly but there are well qualified people out there who will listen and help you make sense of it. You start thinking about them yourself and you can end up going round in circles torturing yourself.

I left it too late and so my life ended up in a mess. It would appear that you still have a lot going for you. Please talk to someone before it starts to affect your relationships. If I started counselling a few years ago it may have turned out different.

Putting on an appearance for others is exhausting for years I was always the smiling, strong type who would never complain or talk to others. From an outsiders view I had a nice flat, great girlfriend, two dogs and a not bad job. I wouldn't talk to anyone about how felt because I was worried that I would be seen as weak or people would think less of me.

Remember you have nothing to prove to others.

[andi8172]

you say you dont want to kill yourself and thats a good start.you need to talk to a pro b4 its too late and you sink deeper youve made the first step by posting on here try starting a journal on here i find it is a good release i have been where you are i there are more times than not i want to die so even if you talk to a counseller on the phone its small steps at a time dont feel lost for another twenty years or youll regret life everyday!!

[SoftHeart]

Thank you everyone...You all have been extremely kind. I honestly didn't expect anyone to respond. I'm very grateful for your help.

25isRough: I think you're right. I'm just in this really odd point in my life. I've always tried so hard to do well in school and be successful in preparing for some career I am supposed to want...and I'm realizing I've never had any honest to god FUN. I see people's pictures online of them all laughing hanging out, going new places, going to sport events and traveling. I just don't have any of that because I don't have anyone to do those things with. I know what you mean when you suggest think of people who have it worse than I do...I know this is probably messed up but that always makes me feel even worse about myself. Thinking about that makes me feel like a horrible person -here I am with all these opportunities and all I am doing is complaining and feeling sad. It makes me feel guilty and hate myself. I know that doesn't make too much sense.

 

Savignon: I have considered talking with a professional...I think I would actually like it and benefit from it greatly. I'm just so damn afraid to pursue it. I mean, I am still on my mother's insurance and I don't know if she will find out. I'm just so afraid of people thinking I'm ungrateful and weak.

 

Catfeeder:

 

I think you really hit it spot on...I really do feel like in trying so hard to solve everything myself that I'm actually just creating more and more issues. I honestly feel like I am spiraling down to a point of no return.

 

lubo you. Thank you. Thank you. I guess I just needed to hear I am not the only one. It really brought me some comfort that I am not alone-not the only experiencing this.

 

andi8172: I wasn't even aware I could write a journal on here. I'll have to try to figure out how. You're absolutely right...I do not want to regret life at all. I want more than anything just to be bright and happy, grateful, motivated and capable of believing someone could truly love me.

[sidehop]

To me however, the effort it takes to prove myself as a happy, successful person when I actually sit alone in my room and cry for hours every night is dreadful.

 

I'm sorry to hear you're confused and hurting. New place without new friends nor having that acceptance can bring a person down. But you sound like a very intelligent and have the desire to succeed in any situation. What about self-acceptance? Do you have any part of you that you haven't truly accepted if any?

[catfeeder]

Hello Softheart,

While you're still on your parents' insurance, it could be the perfect time to explore help. The only hurdle to address on your own is your fear of appearing human. I don't know any happy, well adjusted super-humans. Every person I know who could be described that way lives in their own private hell because their facade is a nightmare to maintain.

 

I know this well (bow), and I am now a mere mortal who's learned that life isn't fun or inspiring when I carry a mental GPA. I've lived the tight-rope walk that kept me rigid, self-conscious, critical, over-thinking and overly concerned with appearances. I can especially relate to your guilty feelings about others having it worse than you--it's a common way to beat yourself up, and it only makes you feel 'right' about feeling inadequate.

 

Depression is not a self-indulgent bad mood, it's an actual condition that changes your brain chemistry and causes you to live as though you're climbing uphill. It can hit anyone, and guilt about it can be an actual symptom OF it.

 

Nobody here can diagnose you, and that's why a professional is your best bet--and possibly your best relief. You can tell your folks that you want to pursue 'stress management' without going into details. Think of kind ways to ask them to respect your judgment and trust that you know what you're doing.

 

Another option is to pursue the help by asking your primary physician to prescribe it, so your parents can view 'stress management' as just an extension of your physical care. I would avoid jumping straight onto medication from a regular MD without being monitored by a mental health specialist. A psychologist or licensed social worker can see you for assessment, and should you both agree that meds are something you'd want to consider, a supervising psychiatrist (a specializing MD) can partner with your talk-therapist to prescribe and monitor such treatment.

 

If you believe you could run into problems with this, write more and the good people here will help you find the right words.

 

In your corner.

[SoftHeart]

I'm sorry to hear you're confused and hurting. New place without new friends nor having that acceptance can bring a person down. But you sound like a very intelligent and have the desire to succeed in any situation. What about self-acceptance? Do you have any part of you that you haven't truly accepted if any?

 

 

I dont accept anything about myself. I hate everything. Every single thing about who I am I hate. I never feel good enough. Ever. I despise how I look but I don't have any hope that I will ever look any better. I never feel smart no matter what I do to learn. I will work for 9 straight hours come home and rest for an hour and I will feel like the laziest person that ever existed.

 

I feel in adequate and completely worthless to this world.

[SoftHeart]

I actually just got up the courage and flat out asked my mom if her insurance covers some kind of help...just someone to talk to I suppose. She offered to call the insurance and see if its covered and look up people around me.

 

I also got off the phone with my boyfriend who brought up the subject without me even crying..or mentioning my sadness. This actually made me feel better...maybe he was listening. Maybe he does care. He thinks going to the gym would make me feel better more accomplished I guess. I know he's right going to the gym does make me feel better. Right now though I just don't have any motivation to get myself to the gym.

 

I've been prescribed anxiety/depression meds before when I broke down in my regular physicians office a couple years ago, but I never took even one pill. They really frighten me. I'm going to try to take this first step of talking to someone (which I guess I did by coming here)..but professionally too.

 

Thanks for helping me build up the courage to just seek help.

 

 

Thank you.

[catfeeder]

That's great news. You may want to explore what some call a 3-pronged approach, and once you know what it is, you can play with 2 of the prongs before deciding about whether to add the third. First is talk therapy, second is exercise, and third is drugs.

 

Some people find that starting with therapy makes them accountable to add the exercise. The exercise changes your chemistry in addition to adding physical strength--often substantially enough to work in place of drugs.

 

Hormonal chemistry was explained to me this way: think of an Olympic swimming pool. Pretend you had one eye-dropper of hormones in a colored dye and you added the fluid to the pool--the whole pool would change color. That's how powerful your hormone chemistry can be in your body, and that's why you're NOT nuts when you feel affected so strongly.

 

Exercise helps you to change this chemistry, and therapy gives you the release and the techniques and the coping skills.

 

I hope you'll stay in touch.

 

In your corner.

[sidehop]

That's good to hear, I do hope you find a professional who can help you. Sounds like you also have a very understanding boyfriend which is a great thing! Please stay strong.

[lubo]

Glad to hear it Softheart.

 

It isn't easy but stick with it. Hope it all goes well for you.

 

Take care and be lucky!

[ledi]

i feel like that right now... or did, very recently.... when your situation means that making friends is difficult, try looking online for groups... I joined a creative writing/book club and made some good friends. Try it! And there is always chatting on here, just talking about and sharing interests can help you get your old self back.

 

You're boyfriend obviously doesnt know how to deal with your feeings, which is infuriating, but at the end of the day, it's up to you, and you can get yourself out of this!

 

You say you don't write anymore? Were you a writer, or did you study writing? I am an english student and i'm doing creative writing, depression affects my writing too and it's horrible.