The right reasons.

[Elisian]

Yesterday my friend and I were talking and she is going through a rollercoaster of emotions because she is thinking about breaking up with her boyfriend of 5 years. She felt like she was staying in the relationship for all the wrong reasons. So I asked what are the right reasons and we were both stumped. She felt that comfort and happiness were not reasons enough to counterbalance all the problems she saw in her relationship. So the question I'm posing is what are the right reasons to be in a committed relationship with someone else? Thanks everyone.

[SocialStigma]

Hard to pinpoint it but I'd say your SO should make you feel confident (in yourself and in the relationship), happy, safe, appreciated, respected, loved, etc. Also, it should be a relationship of mutual benefit - not one partner having all the power/money, both partners are giving/taking equally. Of course both people should also actually want to be together and see a future together, and not just stay together out of comfort/habit. However, if your SO made you feel like all those things 90% of the time but the other 10% of the time, he/she was abusive (physically/emotionally/sexually) or went into fits of jealousy and would try to control/manipulate you etc, then that's enough reason to get out of the relationship.

 

I don't believe that just because they are good to you the majority of the time, it negates their other actions. Just like how a murderer could be an upstanding citizen for 20 years and then suddenly go on a killing spree, just because they were good for most of their life doesn't excuse what they did.

[fLuiD]

The only right reason to be in a relationship is to get what you want out of a relationship. Each one of us has basic needs which can be different from one person to the next. If you are looking for a certain quality from a relationship, and you are not getting it, then obviously you are in it for the wrong reason.

[Cyberchick]

Comfort and happiness are not good enough reasons to stay in a relationship? Who is advising her of this? Honestly, I think that that is a story her mind is telling her and she is choosing to believe it. Which I understand, because a lot of us fuse with the thoughts that our minds produce without questioning the truth behind it. Since when did happiness and comfort become not enough?

 

As for problems in a relationship --- I believe the the biggest problem in a lot of our relationships is just plain fear -- fear of what the problem means about who we are, fear of uncertainty, fear of the future. So because we are fearful, we struggle against our issues, and the problems feel bigger than they are. If people can learn to accept the realities in their relationships and welcome the fear, maybe people wouldn't feel the need to leave their relationships at all. Maybe acceptance would give her a different perspective on her relationship.

 

There are no right reasons to stay in a relationship. All we have are choices. Sometimes the thing to do is just to stay, even when there is no clear justification to do so (unless your life is somehow endangered in the relationship).

[catfeeder]

One perfectly valid reason to stay in a relationship is because you want to. Any friend who challenges you on that risks getting phased out, because nobody wants to hang around someone who voices disapproval of your private choices.

 

I'd be careful not to view my bias or my private agenda as permission to manipulate a friend--especially if I hope to be the one she feels safe with should she opt to seek a way out. That choice needs to come from her, and unless it does, I'd limit my influence to asking gentle questions, such as, "What do you want to do about that, and how can I help?" Anything beyond that is dicey territory, and if you opt to go there, you risk being the one shut out of her life.