Ex-casual partner still won't give up ...

[nutbrownhare]

A while ago I posted this 335260"]

Unfortunately, the guy involved really won't let it go ... I've blocked him from everything I can, including my blog, and the only way he can contact me now is via the private messaging facility of a closed forum to which we both belong.

 

From time to time he will access my blog either from another computer or - the latest - 'piggybacking' on someone else's broadband signal; decide a totally unrelated post is about him and then send me an abusive message in 'retaliation'. When he did this I reported him to the ISP involved, and made another complaint to the person in charge of the forum.

 

I do not respond to these messages. He also makes sniping comments on the forum itself, which I don't respond to either. However, I have been finding that I feel anxious every time I log on to that site, and I will not be doing so for the next few weeks at least. I have recently been asked if I would be on the committee for the society in charge of the website and forum, and I've explained the situation and told them I want to keep a low profile - which would be difficult if I were on the committee. I've thought of resigning from the society altogether - but I know that I'm very well thought of, my contribution is greatly valued and I love the work we do.

 

However, this is really starting to affect my peace of mind. The existing committee will be meeting this week and will probably discuss the issue, and I hate to think that a little **** like him can spoil it.

 

Because I didn't want all his rubbish hanging around in my inbox, on my blog etc, I've deleted most of it. I'm thinking of starting a log of all the unwanted contact as of now, but I don't have a great deal of confidence in the willingness of the police to do anything about it.

 

Has anyone else out there had this kind of problem? If so, how did you resolve it?

[CatsMeeoow]

Well first - how much of a threat is this?

 

Is he contacting you in person? Is he showing up to your work or your home? Is he threatening you or your family?

 

Is he just blowing steam via the internet?

 

I would say for most people the more you ignore... the more likely he will just go away. BUT I would be hesitant to delete his stuff. I would create a folder for all his crap and keep it separate from my inbox. I would just go about my life unless I felt really threatened.

 

HOWEVER - if you feel that uncomfortable and you live in the same town as this person print out some of this stuff... along with anything in print that you've sent him requesting he leave you alone. I would call local law enforcement and let them see the evidence. They will talk to him about it and ask him to stop. Often times that is enough to curtail activity.

 

If it continues your local law enforcement should have a division - domestic violence typically where it caters to women who feel threatened. They will walk you through how to file a protective order and if you should press charges. This doesn't cost you anything. They may even help you find a free attorney or low cost attorney.

 

You shouldn't feel afraid to live your life!!!!

[shuttlefish]

I recognize the irony of your signature line in this case. I think the only thing you can do really is never, ever respond in any way whatsoever (to do so would only give him satisfaction). At some point he will get bored and/or tired of it, or his mom will catch him at it or something....

 

Does he want you "back" or is he just being a jerk with too much times on his hands?

[nutbrownhare]

He's just contacting me via the internet; though at a recent festival I made sure I was with other people who were aware of the situation ALL THE TIME. Apparently he was watching me all the time, whenever we were in the same room.

 

There is a talk at a London gallery this Friday; I mentioned this on the forum and he was one of the first to say he wanted to go (even though it is a very long, expensive journey for him); I've since decided to bow out of it. I've since realised that announcing it in the first place was a major tactical error, and I certainly won't be exposing myself like that - saying where I'm going to be on a particular day - again.

 

I'm not really concerned whether he wants me back or is just a jerk ... I've told him I want nothing to do with him!

 

Whether it would escalate into anything further, I really don't know. I've never had this experience before! The problem with people who are acting irrationally is that there's no yardstick; normal rules of engagement just don't seem to apply.

[catfeeder]

Hi, Nut. Does he know where you live?

 

As much as I'd hate to do this, I would withdraw from any public participation in the group to which you both belong. He could be hanging around there just because it's his only link to you.

 

I'd work on projects in the background, but I would stop posting, and I'd be absent from any events that would attract him.

 

I realize this feels like letting him win, but I'd do whatever it takes to prompt him to get a new focus. Meanwhile, this might be your time to find a peripheral thing that could lead you to something fabulous.

 

Sometimes closing one door opens many.

 

My best,

Cat

[nutbrownhare]

I agree, catfeeder. As it happens, he does know where I live, but it's miles away and he doesn't have a car; it is also very erratic as to when I'm there - I'm not someone who can be dropped in on casually! Though I have to say that if I ever saw him hanging around here I'd call the police immediately.

 

I've stopped posting on the forum and just hope that dropping off the radar will make him lose interest in the forum itself.

 

Unfortunately, my membership of this society (unrelated to my main employment) WAS the peripheral thing that led to fabulous stuff!

 

The existing committee are meeting today and should be discussing this - amongst other things! - and I'll see what they say.

[nutbrownhare]

Finally, having had a few days to reflect on all this, I've reported him to the police. Someone will be coming round to see me on Saturday morning; I actually want nothing more than for someone in authority to tell him to stop, and I have no wish to take anything further than that.

 

What I've been through is NOTHING compared to what some people suffer; what I'm really beginning to understand on a deep, deep level is the amount of courage required to bring a court action against an abusive partner.

 

It's all a learning experience, I guess. Thanks for being there, everybody!

[catfeeder]

Smart move, Nut. I hope you'll consider letting us know how this goes. I'd be interested to know how they handle this stuff these days.

 

With you in spirit!

[nutbrownhare]

I was very, very impressed by the policeman who came to take my statement; I'd guess that they're either carefully handpicked for this kind of work, or they're very well trained or both. Apparently I was the third appointment that morning on very similar cases.

 

Given that my online messer-abouter hasn't been in contact for a week, nothing will be done for now. IF he does, though, I'll be in contact with the police and they'll either phone him or go round for a gentle chat about leaving me alone.

 

Apparently this works on all but the most stubborn cases.

[nutbrownhare]

Well, there was nothing for a while, then he tried to access my blog - with increasing frequency. After a couple of weeks, and I'd started posting on the closed forum again, he started the sniping again, nothing major.

 

I called the police. The police called him. The policeman called me back. Apparently he told the policeman I'd threatened him with my 'brother who has a conviction for murder'.

 

I informed them that I'd had absolutely no contact with him for ages, but what he was referring to was one of the silly, unhinged stories on my blog which he'd decided was about him. It was actually about stuffed rabbits. And he'd had to piggyback someone else's broadband to see it in the first place. He had accused me of threatening him at the time, and I didn't respond.

 

The policeman suggested I don't put anything on my blog which could be used as 'ammunition' - this is impossible given that he's several times exploded about things which were unrelated to him in any way. And he's already been blocked from it. I did mention that my blog has a disclaimer which goes:

 

"It has been alleged that this blog contains silly stories. On occasion it contains unhinged letters purporting to come from people with silly names. If you recognise yourself in any of these scenarios - get yourself a therapist. NOW..."

 

I decided that it might be an idea to change it.

 

And the policeman asked me if the guy's allegation was 'a load of codswallop' and I agreed that, yes, it was.

 

No more contact, direct or indirect since then. Am keeping fingers crossed.

[1guygirl]

yeah fingers crossed...what an absolute pain in the arse to deal with tho....jus go away you silly pathetic man :splat:

[nutbrownhare]

What a wonderful emoticon - really says it all! Hadn't noticed it before!