Ex sort of came back, now don't know what to think!!!!!!

[leftalone]

My ex and I returned from a trip to the Caribbean in March where we had a pretty serious argument (based on stupid issues that have come up before in the past). We were together two years, and really rarely argued, had a very strong loving relationship. Were at the moving-in together stage when we returned and, after a week of cooling off from the fight, he ended it.

 

I found out one week after he ended it that that same night he had gotten together with a friend of his sister's visiting from San Francisco. He told me was "falling in love with her" when I confronted him about it.

 

The shock literally just ravaged me; for two months I could hardly breathe, couldn't eat, just totally decimated. I can't believe I wasn' fired from my job during that time...Turns out they started a ridiculous long distance relationship over the next month; I played my cards well, didn't let him see me desperate and devastated; he and i got together a few times for coffee, etc. and talked sporadically during that time - of course, his thing with her cooled off, he ended it. Then, three weeks ago after NC for a week or so, he calls me up and asks to go for dinner. He tells me there that he's really missed me, etc. and how sorry he is. That he made a mistake about the other girl, it was just an idea he was in love with. I'm sitting there thinking this is his big pitch to get back together and I was just elated - well during that week, he flip flops all over the place. Since the other girl ended he was now thinking he wanted to "be single" for now, etc. He was confused, and maybe just wanted to start dating slowly (each other) again.

 

I was SO CAREFUL not to push him, not to drag up issues that are moot by now, all that week i just let him guide what was happening. And then I wanted to know though if we were working towards something, and he tells me he does just want to be single right now and is concerned about 'the repurcussions with family and friends' if we got back together. So I said "so I guess you're not confused" about wanting to stay single, and he said "no, I guess not"

 

What the hell does that mean? That he doesn't want to come down off his single empowerment phase and admit to people around him that he messed up and made a mistake? In that week we were 'back together' we never even discussed what happened to us to end it in the first place.

 

I still love him so much, and I feel like I want him to know that I just want to pick up where he left off. Since the last time we talked on the phone (two weeks ago tomorrow), I have established a NC for myself, because I feel like I kept myself around and waited and was patient all during the other girl, then for him to come back and flip flop again just about killed me.

 

Should I just let him be? Shouldn't I fight for this, and explain to him that if you love someone it doesn't matter what explanation you might have to give to others? He's 26 and we were so happy together, so successful as a couple until the end - why would he just want to 'be single'? How long does that impulse last? The weird thing is HE was the one pushing for me to move in, more eagerly than me. He moved here to NY from the midwest for us, and we really had it so wonderful...

 

I don't know what to do - I feel like I still have hope for this, I don't want to just turn my back on it. It's been 10 weeks and I feel all this pressure, like so much time has passed maybe he's just totally forgotten about me...the NC is killing me, but i'm hanging in there (barely). Of course, he just shuts himself off, is not a communicator, and so I haven't heard from him at all.

 

HELP! Maybe a guy could weigh in here??????

[Scout]

Are you absolutely, positively, 100 percent certain the relationship was always strong and loving and healthy for the entire relationship until right at the very end? That just doesn't add up with his actions.

[leftalone]

It really was strong. And SO loving, so much kindness towards each other, and teamwork. Best friends, on top of being a couple. We had literally the occasional argument (who was going to get the bagels on a Sunday, etc.).

 

He's from a family that was ripped apart by divorce, and the only strange problem we had was that he was absolutely terrified of conflict - he literally could not engage in a healthy argument without getting totally spooked and letting his flight instinct kick in (whcih i know was finally the catalyst for him to call it quits).

 

He recognized this problem, even apologized for his inability to have healthy discussions when an issue arose when we returned from vacation.

 

It's like as soon as there was work and personal growth to go through, he threw in the towel. This is what serious relationships go through, everyone has fights about stupid stuff, everyone has their own kinks. Ours were SO minor...

[JTS]

My take on this situation is that he truly loves you though he was went through a confusing period where he did not know what he wanted. He was caught in that ever difficult "the grass is greener on the other side" paradox. He is not talking about it because he know he made a mistake and does not want to admit it. I also know that you dont want to bring it up in fears that it might scare him away. However if it makes you feel better you have to talk to him about what is going on in order to see if it may potentially be a re-occurring problem.

[cassiana]

i read your message with great interest because i'm in A similar position. You played it well at the start but now you have to hold your nerve. Be friendly but distant. Be good fun but close down some of the areas of your life he once free to enter. Be unavailable at time and glue that happy smile on your face. Dress to kill and leave early to go to an appointment. Make him twist and wriggle. Slowly it will dawn on his dull male brain that being sinlge may mean that you may not care when he condescends to take you back.Let him chase you. it worked for my friend but she didn't want him then. good luck.

[Belle]

Leftalone,

I totally agree with Cassinia. You have to hold back. I wouldn't talk about the relationship with him at all. This guy sounds like a commitment phobe. Do you really want to be with someone who doesn't know what he wants? He sure seemed to before when he was trying to get you to move in. I was in this situation too. I haven't contacted the guy for some time. I didn't sign up for the "I don't know what I want and I can't admit I made a mistake" crap. I don't think you did either.

 

I would keep moving forward and don't worry about what he's thinking. Let your distance and friendliness show h im that you don't care what he's doing, you're doing your own thing without him.

 

I really don't think that a guy who's that unsure is worth while to be honest. You'll always worry if he's going to change his mind again if he gets you. Too much crap really. Relationships are work and you don't want to be working alone.

 

Best of luck,

Belle

[leftalone]

OK, so today is two weeks since we had the last conversation where he said he was thinking he wanted to be single. I did tell him during that conversation that I loved him, and that I was not confused. We left it at me saying i need to pick up my good earrings at some point. And then, nothing. We haven't spoken since.

 

Can't I just wait until he returns from a five day business trip to New Orleans (he will be gone Friday thru next Wed), and then go get my earrings and say something to him about everything that's happened, how i feel? Or maybe at least let him know that I'm sorry if I pressured him and I am able to take it slow if that's what he needs? The first night he came around and we were together again, i told him 'you can't just try me on for size here', and he said 'i dont' have to - I already know that you fit'.

 

After New Orleans, he's back for two or three days, then going on a two week trip to Canada for fishing w/extended family. So I feel all this pressure to see him and break my NC in between his trips HELP!!!!!!!!!!

[street]

Hey I know what ur going through, I just split from my girlfriend for the second time, we had a 4 yr relationship and then broke up for 7 months….we were in constant contact in those 7 months even though she was seeing someone else…when we got back together she didn't talk to me about it, just kissed me one night in a club..i suppose actions speak louder than words eh!!

 

Then we got back for 5 months and now just split again!! Her again as well saying she just thought of me as a friend!! Im not saying get back together as I don't regret it even though im feeling bad all over again…just be carefull…don't read anything into what hes saying or doing, and live ur life stick with the nc, ive gone a week and just bumped into ther this morning(we work close to each other) and its hurt me but I won't contact her!!

[leftalone]

Oh jeez. So I'm feeling pretty empowered by this whole NC thing, when I have needed to get stuff off my chest this week I've written letters I won't send or have left voicemails on my own work phone then deleted (I know, pathetic, but better my own voicemail than his).

 

I'm doing okay, getting by, letting myself think he must be wondering why I suddenly dropped off the map, when I walk into the deli this morning on my way to the subway for my coffee and I hear a 'hey' behind me. Of course, it's him.

 

We talked for about five minutes, totally casual chit chat. I played it really cool, didn't even mention the last time we spoke which is when I told him that I loved him etc. He said "wow, I haven't seen you in awhile" and also asked if I still wanted him to put all of our digital pics of us onto a CD for me to keep (we stored all of them on his computer). He mentioned I left some jeans there, and I included my earrings and said I needed them soon for a wedding I'm going to (a lie, but i had to SOUND like I had some interesting things coming up).

 

He had a strange look on his face while we talked, I guess surprised to see me? Maybe a little longing?

 

Dammit, coincidental run in and now I'm thinking he got a chance to reaffirm that he's happier single...shoud I have said something about us?

[craigblitz]

Nope... you did well

[leftalone]

please give me advice...it's been a few days since we ran into each other after two weeks of NC, and I was doing a lot better, but ever since the run-in i feel like i've taken ten steps back.

 

he's back in town for two days this week before going away again for two weeks - i am planning to arrange to go by there one of those evenings that he's home to pick up my earrings and a photo CD of us that HE mentioned during our run-in.

 

I've been so good at playing it cool lately and disappearing from sight - would it be a bad idea when i go by there for my things to invite him to get a beer or take a walk for an ice cream or something, and maybe bring "us" up? (i.e. how small our problems seem after so much hindsight).

 

Will I just come off as pathetic, can't get over him? would it be better for me to continue to look as if I'm doing fine without him? I'm not fine, not at all...

[vetgirl]

I just wanted to say that I think you handled yourself exceptionally well with the run-in (as you call it) and that based on what I've read here on this forum, I would guess that when you do see him again, bringing up the relationship would be bad on your part. if he brings it up, that seems to be another story, but in all, it does make sense that if you bring it up, you could be perceived as weak or insecure. I would like to think that you coming accross as confident and busy (great line about the upcoming wedding by the way!) that's a much more effective message to send accross. Of course, I don't know the real answer here, I would just like to think that the wisdom of those that have come before us is worth a lot. I'm trying my hardest to follow it myself, so I have to believe that it's true.

-Vetgirl

[leftalone]

oh boy. when i ran into my ex last week in the deli he asked if i still wanted him to make a picture CD of all of our photos for me (something i had asked about awhile before). I said sure, and mentioned that I still needed my good earrings for a (fake) wedding...

 

Anyway, he just got back into town and called from the airport to see when i wanted to come get the earrings before he leaves town again on Friday for two weeks.

 

I suggested this evening at around 7ish, he said sure, we spoke very briefly. he mentioned that he's tired from his trip to New Orleans, and I know him well - he is noncommunicative, pouty and generally overtaken when he's tired. Should I wait until tomorrow? When maybe he's been back for a day, gotten a good night's sleep maybe?

 

Because what I was hoping was that once I went over there we could catch up over a beer or something. If he's wiped out, he just might want to hand me the earrings and decompress from his trip...

 

Please help!!! I have forty-five minutes before leaving work to get input...these stupid details seem so small but i keep thinking they'll be significant...

[shockeddismayed]

leftalone,

 

I think you are handling yourself wonderfully so far. If I were you, I would not invite him for a beer.... given that he is going away for 2 weeks, nothing good can come of it. You will overanalyze anything you say until he gets back.

 

Just go by, pick up your things and let him lead. Be a bit aloof and see what happens.

 

I know it is SOOO tough once the EX starts giving mixed messages, but remember... your absense is what made them start having second thoughts. Your presense will remind them of what they are missing, but any EXTRA effort on your part may push them away... may frighten him and make him realize what he is doing by sending mixed messages, etc. (In my experience, the biggest thing that can chase an EX WHO TRULY LOVES YOU away, is the fear that they have hurt\led-on someone that they love\care about.... guilt is your WORST ENEMY, so don't give any opportunity (this early) for it to derail your significant progress)

 

You have nothing to lose tonight. Go by looking calm, cool, collected and fun.... pick up your things. Make idle chit chat... even flirt a little bit... (wink here, smile there, bat an eyelash or two) but nothing more than that... he'll be away and lonely for two weeks on business.... and WHO do you think he will think of?

 

That's right... you!!!! So don't put yourself out tonight. Let him come to you.

[a_little_sparrow]

leftalone,

 

I agree with s&d, though I fear the advice is coming after the fact. Look at it the way you look at seeing him last week at the deli. You say that put you back to square 1. I think talking to him about things, or "us" will put him back to square 1.

 

Yes, the hardest thing is knowing which square the ex is at period. I picked something up from my ex a couple weeks after the breakup, and I went into spilling the beans mode. But I spoke for only ten minutes. And perhaps the most important thing I said that day was that I was learning a lot about what I did that contributed to the breakup. Everything else was probably superfluous, including the bit about how I was leaving the door open. Of course, I'm leaving the door open, I didn't want the breakup in the first place.

 

We're rooting for you leftalone. Let us know how the meeting went. Perhaps the important thing to remember is that all of this is so confusing, and you should be proud of every step you take through this troubling emotional labyrinth. Whatever you did tonight on seeing him, know that you did it because you felt it was the right thing.

[shockeddismayed]

Great Advice Little Sparrow....

 

I was worried about leaving my message when I looked at the time.

 

Obviously none of us have the intimate knowledge that you do leftalone... and from your actions earlier, you have demonstrated excellent control.

 

I think no matter what happens tonight, you will be ok. If this is meant to be, the fact that he is going away for 2 weeks with nothing to think about except his feelings for you is weighing heavily in your favour.

 

Sometimes I think it doesn't matter all that much what we do... certainly there are strategies, but as long as we act reasonablly within some boundaries, and respecting our own and our EXes abililty to think on own without manipulation, they will come around (or not) based on what is already in their heart.

 

I guess (despite all of my own lamenting) I think that these things play themselves out the way they should... in cases where dumpees plead and beg for dumpers, it probably is best that the dumpee learn to separate their own happiness... in cases where dumpees use strict NC and there is no reconciliation... perhaps the basis for a healthy relationship wasn't really there (on one side, or perhaps surprisingly on the other).

 

However in most cases I think what is important is to read about the general guidelines and have a place to bounce thoughts off before applying things to the subtleties of your own situation.

 

If it is meant to be.... no single meeting (positive or negative) is going to sway the tide entirely, no matter how perfectly we execute our (then) preferred strategy.

[leftalone]

So, picking up my earrings went well...He absolutely 'took the bait' from my mentioning in our run-in last week that I had a wedding to go to. He never asks a lot of questions or details about stuff, but within five minutes he was like "so whose wedding, who are you going with, etc.". He wanted to know if the guy I have been out with a few times (he heard from a friend), is serious. We sat down and chatted for a bit, and then I said "well I better get going, I'm starving" (it was after 8 by then). He goes "oh, well, I haven't eaten yet either. I should eat something too - do you want to get something together?" (this line took about three full minutes for him to get out). I said sure, we ended up just getting take-out sandwhiches. When we were waiting for our food, he brought up our trip to the Caribbean (that ended in our breakup), and how after everything he really did have a good time, and that the last night there just seemed like any other fight that you laugh about later because you can't even remember what started it.

 

anyway. we ate dinner, had a glass of wine in his kitchen and just talked about stuff, all non-related to us. the best thing (for me) was that for the first time since the break-up, after the encounters/get-togethers we have had, etc., i didn't care that we weren't talking about 'us'. All of a sudden, we weren't being these carefully reinvented people we had been around each other every other time we had hung out, where I"m hanging on for any opening to see how he feels about me etc....we were just being the way we used to be, totally comfortable, laughing a lot, referring to all the great memories of our past easily and with a lot of happiness.

 

I stayed over b/c we ended up talking until past one - it never got pointed, or tense or emtionally draining. It was just nice - we were even joking about some of the harsher moments of the first few weeks of breaking up (i.e. my taking all of his pillows because I had purchased them). It felt like a lot of water had moved under the bridge, just on its own...(which was ironic, after my months of absolutely obsessing)

 

This morning, we got ready together, laughed a lot, again no tension like the week where we were sort of back together. I think it's because a) I gave up on the pressure cooker questions/comments and b) that I dropped out of sight for a few weeks and when I resurfaced, he saw a happy, strong, reflective and secure me. Maybe the me he forgot about when he ended things?

 

Anyway, before we parted ways for work, he was like 'so we'll chat on email?'. I said sure. He's leaving tomorrow for the two week long fishing trip with his brothers and stepfather. I'm hoping he goes on the trip with a really good feeling about us hanging out last night...that he gets to think through even more what he wants. Again, NC applies on my part, I'm letting him take the reins here.

 

I still have a lot of issues to think about, too, as far as anger, hurt, etc. goes, so the two weeks I think will be good for me, too...

[leftalone]

forgot to mention...when we were eating, we were talking about relationship arguments in general which somehow led to him saying "do you know how I deal with things?" And I looked him straight in the eye and said "By not dealing with things." and he was just quiet and nodded and mentioned his family history (terrible divorce, father left, he's the youngest and only son)...

[a_little_sparrow]

Hey leftalone,

 

It sounds like the exchange went REALLY well. And I say that not because you were with him all night (which must have been nice) but because you sound so empowered this morning. It sounds like you feel much more in control of the situation. And it sounds like you handled yourself incredibly last night, not pushy, but confident about where you stand. You have every reason to be happy with things at this point.

 

I agree with you. His leaving for two weeks should help a lot for you to sort through things (and him, but he's not here on this board asking for support). As you go through and think about things, remember how you started this thread. After the excitement of your post about last night, I went back through and reread your posts. In the first one, you were unsure of what to think after he'd flip flopped from one week to the next. I'm in no way wanting to dampen what was great about last night. Only help you keep a level perspective.

 

But the fact that HE suggested dinner, and the fact that you accepted an invitation to go back to his apartment for a drink means you've both given each other signs of interest. And now there's two weeks for you both to think about what you want. By the way, did you ever pick up the CD with the pictures? Things definitely look hopeful, just make sure you know what you want.

[leftalone]

I never mentioned the picture CD, but he brought it up this morning, saying he was going to burn it at work today, if I still wanted it...one point of relief when I first got there last night was that he didn't hand me a bag of the three or four things I still have there, just gave me the earrings (so I knew he wasn't trying to totally clean me out and shut the door, if that makes sense...)

 

The last two to three weeks turned out to really have been great for me, for one major reason - the week we were 'back together', all I could think about was what HE wanted. What I wanted seemed a given, and moot to me, and that's not at all true now. By not having contact with him at all, I've been able to reach a place where what he wants is only 50% of the pie; what I want is now equally important to me, and a perspective I plan to weigh very carefully.

 

Which would be the only position I could think of to be in a healthy state if we were to get back together. otherwise, I feel as though I would have been unconditional in my pursuit of him, and swept a lot of what I need under the rug just to get things back the way they were.

 

Thinking only about me, and having NC with him, finally got me to a place where this relationship's history and any potential future are as much mine as his, which is SUCH an empowering realization...

[shockeddismayed]

FANTABULOUS Leftalone!!!

 

Very well done!

 

His fishing trip is well timed. What else is he going to think about while sitting in a boat?

 

I think you handled yourself very well... I'm glad you were able to avoid the emotionally charged moments. Good for you.

 

At this point I like your idea of trying to sort out your anger and hurt feelings. You are at the exact same stage that I am (actually, my EXGF got back from her trip last week... she invited me out for my BDay, and now I am trying to figure out what to do next... my hurt feelings/pride are coming back up... it makes it difficult to do what I think I need to (which is take the initiative SLOWLY)). Keep in mind that when he does get back... if things don't go immediately how you planned, it isn't the end of the world... but be aware that your guard and hurt feelings may resurface.

 

For that reason you need to really look at these feelings this week... and try to find a way to deal with the inevitable uncertainty that will follow on his return.

 

Ideally, he'll come back guns blazing, but I think in most cases this process of trying again is agonizingly slow.

 

Build yourself up for that now.

[a_little_sparrow]

Hey leftalone,

 

Well, it seems like this kind of crash was going to happen--if only because it was such a wonderful and delicious high. But you're definitely not at square 1. Remember what you talked about this morning. Remember how this is as much a part of you deciding what you want, and having control of the situtation (to a certain extent). Yeah, sure, your guy has a lot to think about over the next two weeks. But you do too.

 

Keep in mind the bitter things and the good things, and make sure you can come to a sensible decision of your own. Or at the very least you can walk away from this with your head held high if that needs to be the case.

 

Personally, I think things are going well. He did email you today. You did have a wonderful time last night. Look at these next two weeks as time for yourself, without expecting anything from him.

 

I don't have much experience with starting a relationship again, but from what people have described on this site, this is part of the slow, we're-getting-to-trust-each-other-again part of things. And all things considered I think you're at a really good place.

[leftalone]

So I have something of an update...after our great night together on Wednedsay night, I ended up going on a date with a guy I've gone out with a few times casually. I don't want to confuse myself, but I have felt such impatience lately that I figured why not. Especially because the ex left things SO unclear once again on Thursday morning. So I'm on this date, it's fun and laid back although I kept thinking 'great, so now ex and I won't talk for another two weeks', and then at 11:30 my phone rings and it's him. I was trapped, couldn't excuse myself from the date to talk to him, although I wanted to. I felt though that he might wonder where I could be at 11:30 on a Thurs. that I wasn't picking up my phone (I'm usually in bed watching Friends reruns by then).

 

Anyway, he left a voicemail saying "just wanted to say goodnight. So I'll see you in two weeks...I'll be up for awhile, so if you want give me a call back.". I loved the I'll SEE you in two weeks part (of course I take it literally and hopefully). I did not call him back that night.

 

The next day he writes me an email at noon saying "i'm leaving for the airport in 30 minutes. I just wanted to let you know that I'll be checking email here and there so if you get bored at work feel free to chat with me". FEEL FREE???

 

I don't understand this. Why doesn't HE just email ME and take an assertive stance while he's away. Like this week, he's been away since Friday, why not just drop ME an email and ask how I'm doing. Why is he constantly putting the ball in MY court, when he knows full well how I feel and where I stand?

 

This is getting extremely frustrating - while it's great that he initiated two follow-ups to our evening together within twelve hours of each other, I feel like he is making such a point to keep his tone and suggestions casual, non-aggressive. When by now, I am starting to feel like I am worth getting aggressive over - why should I have lead him towards me...?

 

Anyway, of course like an idiot, i caved this morning and dropped him a casual email asking how's his trip going and telling him what's been going on with my week. But now I feel like once again, I broke down and chased him ...

[shockeddismayed]

Leftalone,

 

You are in control and you don't even know it.

 

This guy is interested in trying again, but he just can't seem to committ to action. Your behaviour so far has been perfect. You are giving a little, but not letting yourself be walked over.

 

I think you have no choice but to trust what he's said at face value. He does want to try again, but his confusion is what is stopping him from being aggressive.

 

You feel like he should be more aggressive at this point and you are right, you certainly deserve that, but at the same time he just not quite ready to chase at this point. Without knowing the details of the original breakup, it is possible that he is still worried about the old problems, or is still hurt by them. I know it seems like the dumpee is the one that is most hurt, but it doesn't mean that the dumper doesn't have something to fear in trying again.

 

I am in the EXACT same situation with my ex, except the sexes are reversed... and I can tell you that I feel EXACTLY like you. Frustrated, impatient, wondering why she isn't chasing (as hard as I'd like), etc. YOu are a catch and you know it... so it is natural that your pride get up... Just remember: they don't call it foolish pride for no reason.

 

With that said, to me it seems like he is at least "jogging" after you, and you may not be seeing it. He's emailed and called you several times since your night last week, and has all but flat out asked you to email him. You don't see that as an effort on his part, but it is... he asked you to please email him... he appears to need it so that his ego will be stroked a bit. Question for you: Since you know him best, is it possible that he needs you to show him some interest in order for him to have the confidence to open his heart up again? If yes, then I think you are in WONDERFUL place.

 

So you gave a little with your email. Good for you... and so what if he doesn't respond right away... he's fishing. Let him have this two weeks to think... you take it yourself. Ask yourself whether you can expose yourself to him again... can you get over your resentment? These are the things YOU get to decide.

 

He will likely respond to your email.... when he does I'd (at the very least) delay my response... let him sweat it out a bit, and then maybe give some positive encouragement back. In the meantime, he'll have nothing but his own thoughts to keep him occupied... and trust me, I'm SURE he will wonder why you didn't answer your phone the other night.

 

While he is away do ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING you can over the next 2 weeks to rest your mind and build up your own self esteem. From there you can decide with a clear head how to respond when he gets back in touch with you.

[craigblitz]

I think what everyone is telling you is on the money. Trust me, read S&D post about what he has been going through he knows the patience that is going to be needed through this. That is why I am a big fan of dating even while going through all this. It keeps you busy, help with confidence, and lets you evaluate if you really want your ex back.

 

Right now I see you as having good balance in not giving too much, but not being calus either. Keep it going, and look at this long term not in the short term. If things really work out it is a forever thing you know, so what does it really matter if takes a couple of months.

 

Smile, breathe, and enjoy the day