PLEASE ADVICE WANTED ON TAKING BACK THE "EX"

[cablepowerhour]

Ok everyone, here is the story. Me and my ex of 2 and a half years (were both 24) broke up 2 times. It all started back on new years day 2004 when she broke up with me because she said she was not getting enough emotionally out of the relationship. It made me a little angry she just impulsivley broke it off without telling me how she really felt and talking about it (I had no idea she was unhappy). Well, 2 weeks after that we got back together and everything was really good. Now before we actually got back together i had asked her if she was with anyone else on the 2 week break, she first said no, then said it was not my bussiness and finally i got it out of her months later and the answer was yes. I immediatley broke up with her because i felt i couldnt trust her anymore. Its been a month now and she has been calling hysterically crying saying she needed to talk to me. I gave her that and sat down with her and had a talk, she basically was telling me she made the biggest mistake ever and was so sorry she lied. Technically she didnt cheat on me or anything but she definatley did lie about having sex with someone else and to me that is just really dirty. I told her i would think about maybe starting over but I am leaning towards not.

Here is some backround, I had changed my direction in life to be with her, we were going to move to CA together where i would finish school instead of here in OH. I was willing to delay my goals a little (while still keeping them) to be with her because I loved her that much. Call me crazy but I just feel as if I cant invest that much trust in her anymore, picking up and moving to a strange place, both of us meeting new people, i mean she slept with some loser and lied about it.......what if she meets someone cool? I want to take her back so badly but just dont think investing all that trust in someone who lied like that is a good idea......... anyone and everyones opinion is welcome.

 

..........lost and broken hearted either way

CG

[RayKay]

Hmmm, well, maybe she did not tell you as she did not want to hurt you, and maybe because she truly felt ashamed about it. She may have slept with someone else to feel "worthy" again, and try and get that emotional connection she felt was lacking with you prior to the breakup.

 

To be honest, while I know you feel like you cannot "trust" her, she did do it outside of the relationship and while she lied about it, I think she may have had her reasons as I explained it above. Sometimes...we do things like that to protect the ones we love.

 

I would talk to her, explained CALMY why you feel hurt, and try and find out why she did it. Can you trust her? I think you can, and should - she did not do this while she was with you, correct? You both have to rebuild your trust with each other...she may be feeling pretty low right now too.

 

Good luck.

[cablepowerhour]

She wasnt with me, in a nutshell she broke up with me, slept with another dude and then got back with me. I think that is dirty, we dont use protection which was one of the reasons I asked her.

 

I think you are right though, she knew i wouldnt of taken her back if she was honest with me about that and she told me she lied because she didnt want to hurt me. I do believe her when she says she feels awful and it ment nothing.

 

But if i DO take her back, I will have only proven she can break up with me, fool around and then wait a while for the smoke to clear and get back with me. Also, I had commited to move away with her, now I just cant invest that level of trust in her, well maybe if its ment to be, she would be willing to stick around locally for a while, if its that important to her.

 

 

 

 

 

[johnagent1911]

I think you already know what you're going to do. When it comes to stuff like this we tend to do what we want to, and not what's logically good for us. I say you should re-think taking her back but what do you really feel? Do you still have feelings for her and if so then I don't know if you can think clearly right now. Take some time to yourself and think about things. Do you really want her back in your life? And if so, why? They don't say this alot to males, but protect your heart man. Be true to yourself. Sometimes it isn't worth the pain. If she lied for so long, what really keeps her from doing it again?

 

If you do take her back move slowly with her. Like I said, protect your heart.

 

-1911

[Scout]

 

But if i DO take her back, I will have only proven she can break up with me, fool around and then wait a while for the smoke to clear and get back with me.

 

This is a very good point. However, it would only apply if there is a possibility she would do it again. Does that make sense? What I'm saying to say is, really examine the situation, her, your past relationship, and try to answer for yourself whether or not you think its in her nature to do this again. We usually have the answers to these kinds of things if we think carefully and objectively through them.

 

Good luck - and I'm sorry you're going through this. If it's any consolation, lots of other people on this board are too, only worse - their ex left them for someone else and aren't coming back! So at least your pride hasn't taken a total hit.

[AB38]

This may sound strange but, sometimes when 2 people are in a relationship for a long time, one partner may stray a bit. I think she slept with someone else because she was trying to verify her feelings and committment to you. So maybe this was a one time deal and it will never happen again. This same situation happened to a friend of mine, and now they are very happily married.

 

Was it a one night stand? Or somebody she knew?

 

This senario may not be the case, but I thought I would pass it along.

[cablepowerhour]

IT was a guy she knew through a friend. I know who he is too. She still talked to him online throughout the relationship too which I look back on and find dissrespectful now. I guess there are a lot of little things like that which is why I am so negative. There is still much love in the air however. I dont know.................

[AB38]

Tread carefully my friend. I guess you guys really need a sit down, serious talk. That's a position I know I don't want to be in, and have never been in, so I don't think I am qualified to give you advise on what to do.

 

If you can see that she is truly sorry for what she did, and you can really see the sincerity in her eyes, then I say give her another chance. Maybe tell her that she has to earn your trust back by being friends for a while. If she can't handle that, then you are probably better off.

[sinnerboy]

hi,

 

well there is something i can not get here. if you guys where not together she is a free girl and can do what ever she wants. she was right, it was not your business, she did not have to tell you if she slept with someone or not. maybe she did not tell you the truth, so she would not feel guilty.

in any evant you should really think about it and talk to her, onec you make a decision there is no turning back.

 

 

 

good luck

[cablepowerhour]

hi,

 

well there is something i can not get here. if you guys where not together she is a free girl and can do what ever she wants. she was right, it was not your business, she did not have to tell you if she slept with someone or not. maybe she did not tell you the truth, so she would not feel guilty.

in any evant you should really think about it and talk to her, onec you make a decision there is no turning back.

 

Its not really a matter of right and wrong, that is irrelevent..... its a matter of trust, investing trust in someone and when someone lies to you it becomes harder to trust them.

[kipster]

Ok everyone, here is the story....

 

Cablep..here's the honest truth from an optimist. If my EX cheated during our break, and we were together for 8 years, but I told her in the beginning of the relationship that I will not tolearate cheating or lying and even at the break-up that if we broke up, but she was with another guy during the break, then I could not come back. Sorry, fidelity is #1 to me. So my EX was forewarned. But if she strays, I'm sorry as much as I love her, then I'd move on. No excuse will do, and I don't buy this emotional connection crap. What's right is right and what's wrong is wrong. Your ex wanted to test the waters and found out that the grass isn't greener, it NEVER IS. So why give her a free pass...Now if you warned her and told her that you wouldn't tolerate it like I did, then I would move on. If a woman can't respect your principles then how on earth can she respect you? She'll feel she can always reason with you if something like this happens. And like you, I know in my heart if she 'stepped out on me' (and I even have dreams of my EX doing this which isn't a good sign) I could never trust her...so what's a relationship without trust? Every night she'd be out late, I'd be thinking it was that guy...I don't deserve that and I should be able to trust my mate? Now even if I found out 2 years later, I'd leave her then. I'm sorry, what's right is right. If she needed a break to get her mind together, fine. I'll give that all day, everyday. But if she thought our break was a clear pass to give up the goods to the next guy who allowed her to lay on his shoulder, and then she could come crying back to me as a safety net and all would be forgiven, I'm sorry that's not fair to you cable...honestly. Then on top of that she lied about it, and not because she didn't want to hurt you cable as everyone else seems to think. IMHO she did it because SHE FELT GUILTY FOR HER OWN ACTIONS, this wasn't about YOU. IT never was, she was UNHAPPY WITH HERSELF, and you going back to her doesn't change that. She has to figure out whatever it is in her that needs fixing and act accordingly. And I don't buy that this was a one time thing? Who have you know to do anything once? C'mon, think with your head, not your heart. Plus, you don't want her back out of guilt...Once her guilt wears off, you're still back at the same stage. All I'm saying man is use your head here? If I were you and I came to you and asked you what I should do in your very own situation you described above, what would you honestly tell me to do? Would you say, forgive and forget? Honestly? And she didn't tell you all along because she knows she violated everything that you stand for, break or no break. She could have used the time wisely to really think about things and to fix the problem, but instead she brought a third party in now that has a piece of her heart, whether you acknowledge it or not. She has to resolve her feelings with him before the 2 of you can make progress. Again, I ask you, is it really worth it? Do you REALLY love her enough to stay with a person that you can probably never trust again and never look at the same?

 

 

P.S., what kind of behaviors did she exhibit before the break-up? I mean before she cheated that in retrospect would have told you she was up to something? Did she lay the guilt trip on you? Was she really aloof? Did she plan trips? I ask because I want to learn from your experience to see the warning signs beforehand. Because if my EX does comeback, and its been 3 months since our break-up, and some other guy has been involved and my dreams/preminissions are true...I don't care what rap she comes with, there's no hope for us in the future....Fidelity is at the top of my list, bro...Without it and trust, you have nothing! And if a woman that I'm with can't respect the two basic principles that I stand for, I don't think these two things are asking two much, then her and I aren't made to be together.

 

Kip

[kipster]

hi,

 

well there is something i can not get here. if you guys where not together she is a free girl and can do what ever she wants. she was right, it was not your business, she did not have to tell you if she slept with someone or not. maybe she did not tell you the truth, so she would not feel guilty.

in any evant you should really think about it and talk to her, onec you make a decision there is no turning back.

 

I agree with cable here sinner boy and it is a matter of right and wrong. If this girl can be gone for 2 weeks and already be with a man she doesn't even really know, and a person her EX ACTUALLY KNOWS, and I'm sure she knows cable knows him, then what's she going to do when REAL TEMPTATION LURKS? When that guy with the huge pockets, better car than cable, maybe a house, etc. comes along? If she would split for this friend because he probably all along has been someone she's confided in whenever cable and her had an argument, probably over the phone, or they've met for coffee all along (these guys usually don't just pop up, they're lurking in the background all along...and generally just want to seize the opportunity to seize the pray, but they don't want it permanently, just to test it a bit, that's why rebounds don't last and 'the grass isn't greener'). Then when she's vulnerable and cofused because she's relying on emotion instead of her head, there he comes in and then she realizes he was never really worth it. But it shouldn't take sleeping with another man for a woman to realize she's got a good thing. I'm sorry ladies, I don't buy that. Be happy with what you have and love him for both his perfections and imperfections, and that goes for you men to, then you won't have to make mistakes. REmember, the wise person learns from the mistakes of others instead of making his own mistakes and potentially learning from them.

 

Kip

[cablepowerhour]

Ok everyone, here is the story....

 

I totally agree. She called a friend of mine and told him she did nothing wrong and feels she did nothing wrong, yet she is apologizing to me. Hypocritical? Apologizing to apease me? Thats not love!! Thanks for all your opinions, they have helped a lot. In a few hours tonight I speak to her, she obviously has no where near the level of respect i have for her in my own opinion.

 

To answer your question about how she has acted, well the last few months she has been very depressed and has refused to tell me why or get help. I assumed this was because maybe she felt guilty. She has been totally uninterested in sex for most of the last 2 months too. I would say those are pretty good signs

[kipster]

 

I totally agree. She called a friend of mine and told him she did nothing wrong and feels she did nothing wrong, yet she is apologizing to me. Hypocritical? Apologizing to apease me? Thats not love!! Thanks for all your opinions, they have helped a lot. In a few hours tonight I speak to her, she obviously has no where near the level of respect i have for her in my own opinion.

 

Sounds like my EX. Around her friends she sounds bold, around me she tells me the opposite. That's why I don't trust her. If I find out she had an affair with someone else, at any time, I'm done.

 

To answer your question about how she has acted, well the last few months she has been very depressed and has refused to tell me why or get help. I assumed this was because maybe she felt guilty. She has been totally uninterested in sex for most of the last 2 months too. I would say those are pretty good signs

 

My ex has been very depressed as well but gave up bogus reason for our break-up. I also assumed she felt guilty as well when she tried to give me all the furniture when I moved out. We've had no sex and limited contact over our break-up. What do you think....

 

Kip

[cablepowerhour]

I think a lot of things. I think listening to your friends is not a good idea though, even though mine gave me what he calls a "warning" when she called up acting like she was innocent. you also have to take into consideration why would the ex tell my friend anything? Of course she would play dumb, it was hard enough for her to tell me. This is not an excuse or anything but as many people on this post have said, talk to her and find out HER reasons and see if they are logical or illogical, if they form a pattern that tells you your probably in for it again. If it is something totally out of the blue, there might be a logical reason why. No matter what though it dosent make lying right, no matter how small the lie is.