Is it a pride issue?

[Jason1080]

My ex and I have been broken up for about 8 months now, she was the dumper after 1.5 years. it did not end badly, and we maintain friendly LC.

we just went out with a bunch of mutual friends to a club and i keep getting signals that she still wants me. She keeps looking at me, and when we converse, it seems just like old times. I know that i shouldnt look too deep into these things, but i just feel that she wants to get closer to me, but she has a huge pride issue. She is extremely stubborn and will not get closer to me unless i make the first move, what to do?

[amani33]

i think you could make a subtle move first. like drop her "just to say hi" email or text and see her response. don't bring your hope high though. go slow. act according to her response. if her response is good and you two start to talk , you may get a chance to ask her out for coffee. it is important to proceed slowly.

[fLuiD]

Any way to possibly raise the level of your friendly texts? Maybe suggest a VERY VERY casual going out alone. Something like a coffee shop or even to grab some lunch.

[HeartGoesOn]

If she truly wants to get back together with you, her pride will not get in the way, nor will it stop her from making an effort.

[Kinkz]

If she truly wants to get back together with you, her pride will not get in the way, nor will it stop her from making an effort.

 

The thing with pride is that it DOES stop a person from giving in to what they really feel.

 

 

And @Jason - It would be different if you were the one who dumped her, but she's the dumper here, did she give you a reason for why she broke up? She may just be playing games with you, to see if you still want her. I think she should make the first move and not you.

[DN]

If she truly wants to get back together with you, her pride will not get in the way, nor will it stop her from making an effort.

I agree with this. She was the one who left, she should be the one to come back and if her love isn't strong enough to overcome her pride that is a good reason to avoid her anyway.

[jimbojones100]

I agree with this. She was the one who left, she should be the one to come back and if her love isn't strong enough to overcome her pride that is a good reason to avoid her anyway.

 

I will respectfully disagree. Ideally, she would put her pride aside and say she wants to get back together, if she indeed does. But there are various reasons, pride being one of them, why she may be hesitant to do so.

 

She may figure she doesn't have a right to come back unless he offers to get back together.

 

It's like if you go to a store and buy a shirt, and you decide you don't like it so you return it. But once you're home you realize you should have kept the shirt after all. Most people won't go back to the store and buy it again just because they'll feel silly/look stupid.

[DN]

So the shirt is supposed to call her up and ask her to come back to the store and buy it again?

[wheatgrass82]

jason.. do you want her back becuase she wants you or do you really love her? if you really love her lay it on the line. Playing games is fun for about a minute but in the long run... if you want the girl.. make it happen... some girls like me just like the guy to make the first move (old fashioned i guess) .. its not a pride thing.. its just if i like a guy ill make subtle hints until he makes his move. it's worth a try? dont take it too seriously.. have fun with it.. flirt with her... and see where it goes. keep it simple. dating should be fun and exciting. enjoy it.

[jimbojones100]

So the shirt is supposed to call her up and ask her to come back to the store and buy it again?

 

Yes. Or, the shirt cannot maintain NC and never be bought worn by her again. What's the harm in the shirt trying?

[uncomfynumb]

Yes. Or, the shirt cannot maintain NC and never be bought worn by her again. What's the harm in the shirt trying?

 

Well if the shirt can bear another rejection, go for it.

 

I agree with DN.

[jimbojones100]

Well if the shirt can bear another rejection, go for it.

 

I agree with DN.

 

Hey, OP can do what he wants. But nothing in life comes to you when you're sitting around. You don't get anything without trying or without putting in effort. But yeah, if people want to not bother, than all the power to them.

[DN]

Hey, OP can do what he wants. But nothing in life comes to you when you're sitting around. You don't get anything without trying or without putting in effort. But yeah, if people want to not bother, than all the power to them.

It's not a question of not bothering. It's a question of wanting a balanced relationship and chasing after a dumper won't get that.

[hater13]

Hey, OP can do what he wants. But nothing in life comes to you when you're sitting around. You don't get anything without trying or without putting in effort. But yeah, if people want to not bother, than all the power to them.

 

I don't mean to sound rude but did you get your ex back that way..

 

Persuing and consistently contacting someone who rejected you and left you alone affects your self esteem and makes you look, for lack of better words, pathetic

[Belle]

I agree with the last poster.

 

And being a female with an enormous amount of pride, I can say that if I felt I had made a mistake I would reach out to the person. I might not lay it all on the line but I would definitely make a hint. That is, unless they screwed me over or made the mistake and that was the reason I didn't want to be with them in which case I probably wouldn't want the person back.

[Ashsun87]

I don't mean to sound rude but did you get your ex back that way..

 

Persuing and consistently contacting someone who rejected you and left you alone affects your self esteem and makes you look, for lack of better words, pathetic

 

Agree 100%

 

And trust me, I've been on the... "Oh hey, maybe it's because i'm not taking the initiative to contact first!"

 

Let's just say... in my case... worst thing I could have done.

 

If they want to talk to you, they will. My ex of 1.5 years just reached out to me when I never thought I would talk to her again.

 

If they left you, I'd go as far as to say, they better contact you.

[lostinyou]

i'd love my ex to reach out, technically its only been 5 days NC but a few passive texts were received lasrt week when she passed her interview for her new job. still trying to stay strong

[GenoGeno]

i'd love my ex to reach out, technically its only been 5 days NC but a few passive texts were received lasrt week when she passed her interview for her new job. still trying to stay strong

 

It's almost better when they don't though....my ex only talked to me at 2:30 in the mornings....and that's absurd but I felt that was the only time I got to talk to her...so I'd answer all happy. and really....it's destructive thinking preying on their every text and call - hoping for it.

[AskMeLater]

And being a female with an enormous amount of pride, I can say that if I felt I had made a mistake I would reach out to the person. I might not lay it all on the line but I would definitely make a hint. That is, unless they screwed me over or made the mistake and that was the reason I didn't want to be with them in which case I probably wouldn't want the person back.

 

I think something like this is much more realistic than expecting a full on "I want you back now" message, simply because no one likes being rejected. But how's the recipient supposed to tell the difference between reaching out to hint at reconciliation, and reaching out for some other, more selfish reason (ego-stroking, guilt-assuaging, etc.)? Further, what's a 'hint'? If someone says "I miss you", is it because they want you back, or is it because it makes them feel better to know you are still on their string when you respond in kind?

 

Unfortunately I think it's a really ambiguous situation to be in. Yeah, I can imagine pride (and fear of rejection) sometimes prevents dumpers from seeking reconciliation, but this sort of thinking by the dumpee might just lead to more confusion and hurt feelings.

[Jason1080]

I agree with the last poster.

 

And being a female with an enormous amount of pride, I can say that if I felt I had made a mistake I would reach out to the person. I might not lay it all on the line but I would definitely make a hint. That is, unless they screwed me over or made the mistake and that was the reason I didn't want to be with them in which case I probably wouldn't want the person back.

 

Are you saying you would want the dumpee to pick up the hints and contact you first?

[Belle]

Are you saying you would want the dumpee to pick up the hints and contact you first?

 

No. I would probably do the things that the dumpers who are stringing the ex along. Let them know I missed them and if I made a mistake, say so. Once I did lay it on the line, without telling the person I wanted them back by saying I think I made a mistake. It is not an easy thing to do if you're prideful.

[Belle]

But how's the recipient supposed to tell the difference between reaching out to hint at reconciliation, and reaching out for some other, more selfish reason (ego-stroking, guilt-assuaging, etc.)? Further, what's a 'hint'? If someone says "I miss you", is it because they want you back, or is it because it makes them feel better to know you are still on their string when you respond in kind?

 

Unfortunately I think it's a really ambiguous situation to be in. Yeah, I can imagine pride (and fear of rejection) sometimes prevents dumpers from seeking reconciliation, but this sort of thinking by the dumpee might just lead to more confusion and hurt feelings.

 

 

It is ambiguous. There are no guarantees. But you need to remain balanced and listen carefully and do not be swayed until you see actions that give you an idea. I would say most people that come back around are there or ego stroke, guilt alleviation or to string you along cos the dating world isn't waht they thought it would be. You can maintain distance and figure out where they are. Don't just let them back in your life to begin with though and you'll maintain balance.