Why does this still trouble me?

[matador1972]

Split 9 months ago, 7 weeks ago my wife told me she thought she might want to try again and i turned her down, I was seeing a girl and getting on great and didnt want to spoil it.

 

Less than 3 weeks ago, a guy she had been seeing on and off since after xmas, moved into her house with her and she tells me she is in love with him.

 

I wouldnt take her back, but i dont understand why it bothers me still and i still get upset thinking about it, she insists that she is moving at a pace she is comfortable with, but she was going out with a different guy at teh start of march, and only started seeing this guy properly towards the end of march, to me it seems really quick for them to be moving in, declaring love and going off on holiday together, they are also talking about buying a place together.

 

I know my pride has been hurt, the guys extremely fit and earns twice I do, is it just male pride? Im confused!

 

We were together nearly 18 years.

[lostandhurt]

Pride, ego and 18 years will do these things to your mind. These thoughts are normal. What you do when you have them is the key. You will have these feelings, then except them for what they are and put them past you. Your ego will make you dwell on these thoughts as it wants to make this about you when it is clearly not. This is her life and she doesn't need your approval to date, sleep with or even marry anyone she pleases as soon as she pleases.

The ego wants us to languish in these thoughts and make things that really have nothing to do with us, about us. If you knew nothing of these details you wouldn't be bothered at all would you? Then why are you now? Learning about your ego will start you on a path to a life where the past stays in the past.

 

Focus on your life and stay out of hers. I'm not sure how you know all these details but it would be best if you went NC from now on, or if you have children LC. It will be what is best for both of you.

 

Lost

[matador1972]

We are in LC, we have two children who split the week between us, so we still see each other maybe once every couple of weeks, nothing more than a few minutes at a time though.

 

I know its my ego, my male pride or whatever, how do you learn about your ego?

[lostandhurt]

There are some really good books that helped me. Elkart Tolle has written some good ones. They are not easy reading though. Like Yoda says "you must unlearn all that you have learned" I read some and put the book down for weeks and then go back and read the same parts over plus a little more. It takes time to really get what he is saying. The ego is a sneeky thing that affects us all more than we want to admit.

Have you ever been cut off in traffic and thought "I can't believe he just did that to me" That is your ego making it all about you. That guy doesn't even know who you are but you have made it personal right away. He is cutting everyone off as he rushes through traffic but you make it about only you. The worst part is you might be upset about that one thing for the rest of the day instead of letting it go and living your life.

 

That is the ego. Go to Amazon and search Elkart Tolle's

"A new Earth" and read it.

 

Lost

[matador1972]

Funnily enough i bought that Elkart Tolle's book for my ex's xmas

 

I know in my head that its stupid, Im much happier myself with my girlfriend than I ever was with my ex, we are a far better match and have a lot more fun, I suppose i just feel a bit miffed that less than a month after saying she might want to try again, she can be in love and have someone move in with her, it seems at odds of what she was saying.

[lostandhurt]

This is where you need to leave the past where it is and worry about you. She has her own issues. She is looking for someone to fill the void and make her happy. Leave it at that.

 

Hug your gf and be happy!

 

Lost

[Crazyaboutdogs]

This is where you need to leave the past where it is and worry about you. She has her own issues. She is looking for someone to fill the void and make her happy. Leave it at that.

 

Hug your gf and be happy!

 

Lost

 

Honestly I think even the OP is looking for someone to fill the void. After 18 years of marriage and within a matter of months of it ending he is also in a relationship...sure it may not be moving at the speed of light like his ex, but still, it didn't take long for the OP to start looking to fill the void after 18 years of marriage. It sometimes amazes me that no sooner does a couple separate that they are out there trolling for a new partner...no time to sit and reflect on the marriage and what went wrong, no time to get their own life and emotions in order, just bam right out there looking for a replacement.

 

With regards to the OPs wife, she seems rather unstable if she can go from wanting to reconcile with you to moving in with someone a mere 7 weeks later. I think you did the right thing by not reconciling with her if she is that flighty.

[FaceBlaster]

Crazy...couldn't have said it any better!!!

[matador1972]

Possibly, but it is at a slow pace and relatively casual.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Possibly, but it is at a slow pace and relatively casual.

 

That doesn't matter...you still went out looking right away to fill a void...to have someone you can call a girlfriend while you are adjusting to the end of your marriage and avoid being partnerless.