how can i make him like me in "that way"

[tc]

Hi there, i'm new to this site and was hoping to get some helpful advice so if there's anyone out there that has any tips for me i would greatly appreciate the help. my problem is as follows: i recently started dating this really nice guy, and i enjoy spending time with him, i enjoy his company, he says the same about me, but just recently, we had the "talk" the one where i asked him where he was at with this "relationship", he then proceded to tell me that although he enjoys spending time with me, and he enjoys my company, he doesn't feel "that way" about me. he told me that he doesn't see us progressing to the next level, (we have already been intimate by the way).

I told him that i like him as more than just a friend (i wouldn't have been intimate with him otherwise) but as far as wanting a relationship, i do but he doesn't. he says he doesn't feel that way about me and doesn't know if he ever will. he says he wants to continue being friends but wouldn't feel right if we were intimate again, so he wants to put an end to that.

i'm fine with that for now, but my question is this: is it possible to "make" him want to be with me again. i don't mean just sexually, i mean as a "couple"

do you think it's possible for someone to develop "those" feelings at some point, or is this situation hopeless???

 

any advice or tips that someone wants to offer up would be greatly appreciated.

 

thanks for "listening"

[xxatti]

Hmm... tough situation. The 1st problem that you have is that you two are "intimate" (as you put it). You have to understand, that for a guy the best situation you can be in is to have a friend with "benefits". You get everything that the bf would get, without having to put up with all the extra b.s. You say he already told you that he doesnt want a relationship with you, so as long as he's getting the benefits, you can rest assured that it will never happen. Even if the relationship turned strickly platonic, it still may never happen, but at least your chances will be better.

[wlfpack81]

I saw drop the SOB. You all had sex and now he doesn't want a relationship? Sounds fishy to me. Best to leave him now and look for a better situation so later on we won't have to hear how this was a nice guy who turned out to be an ahole later. Don't say I didn't warn ya.

[Spee]

Giddee-up and go on, sister-girl,

 

You just learned one of life's great lessons. Men can use women for sex.

 

You would do yourself a big favor to date a lot of men at the same time, but don't sleep with any of them. Be very clear about what you want in a relationship and shop around. If it's not working out, just say "Next!" Then, when you do find the man of your dreams, you will both want to make a commitment to each other. It's old-fashioned, but it works.

 

And no, you cannot make anyone like you 'that way.'

 

 

*******

What is a Healthy Relationship?? So many of us ask ourselves that question... So often we are told that what we want and need is "too much." Below is an excerpt from "PERFECT DAUGHTERS" by Robert J. Ackerman, Ph.D.

* You feel you are respected as a person.

* Your physical and emotional needs are met.

* You like the other person and you feel liked by them.

* You are appreciated and not taken for granted.

* You are not afraid to be yourself.

* You can communicate effectively with your partner.

* You can affirm and support one another.

* Trust, trust, trust is everywhere.

* There is a sense of humor and play.

* Responsibilities are shared.

* Your privacy is respected.

* You are not constantly fighting for control.

* You or your partner admit and seek help for your problems.

* You want to spend time together.

* Love is a verb, not a noun.

* You are growing and the relationship is growing.

* You feel good about yourself.

[tc]

i don't feel like he used me for sex, because if that were the case, he wouldn't have said he didn't feel right if that were to continue. he says he wants to still be friends and hang out but he doesn't think we should sleep together or fool around again because he doesn't think that's the right thing to do. my problem is that i REALLY like him alot and i'm still hoping that he may develop feelings for me down the line, but everyone i've spoken to about this has said that if the "sparks" aren't there now, they probably never will be.... i'm hoping that as time goes by, and he doesn't hear from me or see me for a while, he'll realize that he misses me and think that maybe he does like me as more than just a friend.

am i being foolish?? probably, so how do i move on? it's hard to just stop feeling that way about him, and the thought of never seeing him again,even as a friend kills me, but if that's all he can or wants to offer, i guess that's better than never seeing him again.

 

so please tell me, am i a fool?

[xxatti]

I think you're a fool if you believe that line he's feeding you about how he doesnt think you two should sleep together anymore. I'd probably use that line too if all I ever wanted from the girl was sex and I thought she was starting to develop feelings.

 

I guess it is possible that he really is a truthful and honest guy that just got caught up, and never had any bad intentions from the start. But he'd be that one in a million.

[tc]

you know, he IS that one in a million, and that's why i like him so much!!!!

it kills me to know that we may never be a "couple" and that we'll only always be friends, but in all honesty, friendship with this guy is better than nothing at all. He truly is a great guy and whoever he winds up being with will be a VERY lucky girl and i envy her. I just wish that girl was me, but unfortunately, that will most likely never come to be. He does say that it's not just me he doesn't want a relationship with, he doesn't want a relationship at all!! When i asked him what it was he WAS looking for, he said he really doesn't know... that maybe he's still messed up from his last relationship and can't bring himself to let anybody in. He can't understand why he doesn't want to pursue a relationship with me because i possess ALL the qualities he wants in a girl, in his words, i'm a very good-looking girl, i'm nice, i'm sweet, i LOVE hockey, i've got a great sense of humour, he can't find fault with me, it's just "not there". He thinks he's got issues he needs to deal with before he can pursue a relationship with anyone.

 

so with all that being said, should i look at this situation as it being his loss?

i don't know if i should just hang in there and hope that one day he will come around or if i should let go and try to move on?

 

He's just such a great guy and i don't know if i can let go of those feelings i have for him... i am so confused and messed up over this whole thing i can't concentrate on school, on work, on anything, my mind just always ends up back to this whole situation...

 

i don't know what to do.... please, can someone help me???

[wlfpack81]

Giddee-up and go on, sister-girl,

 

You just learned one of life's great lessons. Men can use women for sex.

 

Just like women can use men for money to make themselves look better (ie being a trophy, golddigging wife). It goes both ways.

[Spee]

What I am about to say, I mean with the utmost respect.

 

Yes, you are being foolish. No one can make anyone feel any particular emotion -- ever. What we feel is what we feel.

 

To try to change that is either foolish or manipulative. Which one would you rather be?

 

If you were a teen-ager, I would coddle you more. However, you are old enough to know this by now. It would be disrespectful of me to talk down to you.

 

Truly, with the utmost respect and care, I tell you to move on. Meet new people. Take on a new hobby. Join a new group. Volunteer to feed the homeless.

 

Get you mind off this guy.

[Spee]

 

Just like women can use men for money to make themselves look better (ie being a trophy, golddigging wife). It goes both ways.

 

Dear wlfpack81,

 

I completely agree!!

 

Men often get all the blame, yet none of the praise.[/i]

[tc]

So you all think that this situation is hopeless then? Nobody thinks that it's possible that once he resolves his "issues", that we may connect down the road?

 

I don't know how to let go!!!!!! He is an amazing guy and i really like him and would love to be with him.

 

It's just so frustrating for me because he's said that he should want to be with me because i possess all of the qualities he looks for in a girl, he's just not "feeling it". but he never said that he would never feel that way, just that he doesn't right now and doesn't know if he ever will..

who knows what the future may hold, he says.

 

So my plan is to see if absense makes the heart grow fonder and i'm going to keep my distance for a while, (no calling him, no seeing him...)

and if he doesn't call me, then i'll know that he really doesn't miss me and then maybe i'll be able to really let go and move on...

 

any other advice or input is always greatly appreciated.

thanks guys.

[tc]

someone please help me with this!!! i am so confused!!! i don't know what to do. everyone i've spoken to about it says the same thing: let it go, move on, if it's not there now, it probably never will be, stuff like that, but what keeps me hanging on is that one word and the fact that he said he should want to be with me, but he's just not "feeling it", and that he thinks it's some underlying issue with him. so that silly, foolish, stupid, weak part of me just can't let go!!!!

 

can anyone help????

[xxatti]

Now he's using the "it's not you, its me line"?? I think you need to wake up and face reality. This guy is doing exactly what I would be doing if I slept with a girl I didnt want a relationship with. Sorry, but I just dont buy that he hooked up with you by accident. Ask yourself this... did you sleep with him more than once? And when did he decide he wanted to put a stop to it, was it after you had that little talk about where you and he stand?? I think once you realize that when you answer yes to these questions, you will see that he used you. It sucks, but sometimes thats the way it goes. Take this as a learning experience.

[wlfpack81]

Man it's amazing to see you ignore these facts when everyone else is trying to point you in the right direction!!! Of course it's girls like you who end up saying there's not a good man left, and that all men are dogs but hey what can we do if you don't want to take our advise. I mean you have myself and other damn males telling you this guy could be shady and you're not listening.

 

If it turns out he really is what you say he is and we're wrong then I'll eat crow, but more than likely we're probably in the right and you really should just move on from this guy b/c he could be playing you for a fool. Don't say we didn't warn you and DON'T complain in the future that all men are dogs. You had your chance to move on from this situation.

[Spee]

"He does say that it's not just me he doesn't want a relationship with, he doesn't want a relationship at all!! When i asked him what it was he WAS looking for, he said he really doesn't know... that maybe he's still messed up from his last relationship and can't bring himself to let anybody in. He can't understand why he doesn't want to pursue a relationship with me because i possess ALL the qualities he wants in a girl, in his words, i'm a very good-looking girl, i'm nice, i'm sweet, i LOVE hockey, i've got a great sense of humour, he can't find fault with me, it's just "not there". He thinks he's got issues he needs to deal with before he can pursue a relationship with anyone. "

 

All he was doing was trying to let you down easy. He was showing some courtesy, even though he didn't show much before. Don't read anything else into it.

 

I've had times when I've found it hard to let go, but I did it anyway. When I look back on those relationships, I think "What did I ever see in that guy? Why was I so hung up on him?"

 

We usually cling onto relationships like this when there is no one else around to fill the void.

 

So, like I said before, take up a hobby, meet new people, go to church, take a class -- anything -- just fill your life with something else.

 

Give it up girl! You are old enough to know better.

[Scout]

If there were other guys in your life, you wouldn't feel so down about this. So I advise you to start dating again ASAP. This guy was trying to let you down easy...haven't you ever started to go out with someone, than realize that you weren't such a great match after all? And than of course, you're going to try and let them down easy. Don't take it personally, we all get rejected at least once, and some of us have been rejected a hellavu lot more than just once. You simply get back out there and start over with someone new.

[tc]

yes, rejection stinks, that's for sure!!! and it's not that i don't have other males in my life, i do, but none of them are like this guy. he truly is one in a million!!!

 

and i don't think all men are dogs. sure, some of them are and some of them are not. just like all girls aren't all sugar and spice.

 

i just want to clarify something though. He DID NOT use me!!! I don't feel used, i enjoyed myself and there's nothing wrong with 2 people who are physically attracted to one another to hook up. but it doesn't go beyond that for him. He says he finds me very attractive, very nice, very sweet, all that stuff, it's just that the "connection" isn't there for him.

 

If that's his way of "letting me down easy" as some of you say. then i respect him for that. not alot of guys would do that. some would just not call again. We are going to maintain a friendship, and i believe that we will end up being really great friends. and if that's all it ever is, then so be it.

 

I want to thank all of you for your input, it did help alot. but please feel free to keep responding. i can use all the help i can get!!!

 

 

[Chibi_usagi_noodles]

Well lets put it this way if he raelly ment all that he said about you then great. I say Keep a STRONG friendship with him, and maybe after you two are VERY furmiliar and comfortable and the jolliest friends ever things may turn in a different direction. First be friends, tahts the first step to anything, you don't want to be dating a total stranger, do you?

after you be good friends, then go to the next step. but first, focus , one step at a time. And usualy there are many steps.

It takes more than one to walk up the stairs.

 

Hope this advice is helpful

[xxatti]

Ok, so he didnt use you. If you're fine with it then so am I.

[tc]

HELP!!!!! I can't stop thinking about him!!! Just my luck to fall for a guy who can't or won't reciprocate my feelings!!!

 

I think i may have fallen in love with this guy. He's amazing!!! He truly is that rare gem. and guys like him don't come along very often. probably like once in a lifetime!!!

 

I know i sound REALLY pathetic right now, but i seem to be eating, living and breathing this guy. I'm just having such a hard time coming to grips with the fact that we will probably never "be".

 

BUT, he did say: "You never know what the future holds..."

 

so i guess in the meantime, i need to try and get on with my life, meet new people, concentrate on my studies, and let whatever happens, happen.

 

feel free to respond.

[Scout]

Ok, let's take a deep breath and think about this rationally. Part of your infatuation with him stems from the fact that he's not availabe, so he's starting to take on this mysterious, lofty, intriguing aura in your mind. Please think realistically. You do not know him well enough or for long enough to be in love with him. You are infatuated. There is a big difference. You must get out there and start dating others. This guy is not interested in a relationship with you - it hurts, I know how you feel - you've been reading about my own situation in my Didn't Call When he said he would post - but you must accept the reality of the sitation. That's what i'm trying to do with the guy I like. He's not calling - I've left a message for him which he didn't return. I can't get into his mind, "make" him act the way I want, but I can choose how I deal with the situation. I'm going about doing my thing, and if he calls, he calls, if he doesn't, it's a bummer, but life is TOO SHORT to always have unrequited loves.

 

You can PM me if you want, and we can maybe help each other get through our unrequited crushes. Hang in there, and GO OUT AND DO SOMETHING. I'm going to a festival today. Talk to you later.