Different way of handling fights

[geekgirl4]

Hi all. So my bf and I are finally talking about fights. Our past fights we would hang in a rather miserable limbo for a week and then he would act like it didn't happen. Even when the fight is happening, he would sit there and nod his head without saying anything. I'm aware men can draw away in fights so I would give him his space. But then the next day and the day after that he acts like it didn't happen at all.

 

So we started talking today and he admitted that he is nonchalant when we fight because he thinks things will get solved if we both act like it didn't happen. I tried to explain to him that fights happen and its healthier to talk about it. If he needs a day to cool off, that's fine, but I would like to talk about it after that. He also told me he thinks I'm being passive aggressive because when he asks if things are alright, I say yes but act like no. I agreed and said it's wrong of me to do that and I'll try being honest, but the reason I'm scared of being honest is because I'm afraid that if I say anything, it won't be recognized (since he likes to pretend it didn't happen). I would really appreciate advice on how to deal with this - the nonchalant attitude towards fights. I know people have habits when it comes to dealing with fights, but is it wrong of me to ask that he tries?

[savignon]

It's great that you're talking about it and it's great that he recognized and was able to call you out on your passive-aggressive behavior (that takes guts, afterall, especially if you're one to just ignore things and hope they go away). Was he able to take responsibility the way you did for any of his behaviors or offer up any concessions he can make in the future? I think you did a good job of that and maybe it will serve as a model for him in the future.

Best wishes.

[faithful14]

No, I don't think there's anything wrong with just asking him to try. I mean, everyone deals with fights in their own way: some just act like everything's okay and others like to talk about it. It's best not to try to change the other person, but just make some sort of a compromise; meet somewhere in the middle. Does he ever bring anything up or are you the one always doing it?

[geekgirl4]

I told him I know it's hard to change people's habits, so I just want to compromise and ask that he tries. All I've gotten from him is "ok"..."ok"...."ok". No concessions on what he will do. And no, he never brings anything up on his own. I feel like he's doing it again with our discussion on fighting, retreating away. I know I can't expect instant change. Sigh. Still feeling uneasy. I don't think it will be hard for me to stop being passive aggressive. I am quite an honest person, the reason I held back was because I thought he didn't want to hear it or acknowledge it. Is it possible for partners with very different problem solving habits to still work out? Or, my biggest fear, I'll become that naggy girlfriend who always starts the fights.

[savignon]

Is it possible for partners with very different problem solving habits to still work out?

Absolutely!! In fact I think with the right partner, we grow, evolve and generally become better people. Maybe this is the gift you're bringing to your relationship. Through trial and error, he may learn to look to you as a model of how to communicate well. Maybe his thoughts/feelings/anger were not welcome in his home and he grew up swallowing his feelings to avoid drama and conflict.

I suggest bringing things up at another time when neither of you are upset. Maybe start with, "I've been thinking about the conversation we had and I'm glad you were able to suggest something I can do to make things better. Have you thought at all about what we talked about?" This at least gives him the opening and the chance to reciprocate by being open to any suggestions you might have.

I'm no expert on relationships (disclaimer!).....just an idea.

Best wishes.

[faithful14]

my boyfriend does the same thing and I have asked him why he just acts like nothing's wrong and he says that to him: it's not that big of a deal or that the time apart will make you realize it's not worth discussing. It's frustrating because the issue may not be important to him but it is to you and he just needs to respect that. He shouldn't try to change you to be like him; you both are your own person. Talk to him and let him know that you would like him to take some initiative to talk things out with you and not let them drag out for a long time. Maybe after the argument you guys give each other space, and then set a time to come back to talk about it later.

 

Anyways, I do think you guys can still work things out, and he needs to know that this is a two way street and some effort needs to be put in. With guys, when you keep the discussion short and just get your point accross, they listen and can take it in. But if it drags out for a long time or the discussions keep happening over and over, they get tired of it and tune their gf's out.

[geekgirl4]

I also came to the conclusion that this discussion has gone on long enough so I am giving him his space to think. I think its a good idea to touch back on it on another time, when we're both feeling good! And I thought about it and I do think he gets it from his family - his mother is definitely the one who wears the pants in the family. I think he grew up this way because she's a bit domineering and the only way to live is to just push it under the carpet. I really understand that. I just hope there is some hope that he can start changing to a more active approach in our fights. It seems like a long road. I've read in some other threads that I should turn it more towards me, like how I would feel better if he tried, or that it would make me happier if he was more open. It seems similar to cajoling a cautious wild animal... I'm willing to do whatever I can on my part to make things better.

 

It's really warming to know other people are having the same problem and I'm not alone in feeling miserable. I'm so direct when it comes to solving things. I really hope things will work. If you guys can think of other ways to ease communication from a non communicator, please let me know! ^_^

[Maya_A]

If you guys can think of other ways to ease communication from a non communicator, please let me know! ^_^

 

Be sure that you are not domineering in arguments. He may have learned to withdraw from his interactions with his dominant mother.... Give him plenty of opportunity to share uninterrupted by you. Do not negate what he says or his feelings (not saying you do). Thank him for sharing them & tell him you will consider everything he said, even if he's said things about you that you would not agree with outright. Just sit on what he said & give it some thought before responding.

 

Make sure he is not always "wrong" & gets to be "right" at times also...

 

Basically, things like this that will have him feeling safe & not vulnerable or "scared" to speak up, for fear of making things worse or causing "lectures" or barrages of negative feedback type thing....

[uncomfynumb]

Read Al Turtles lizard. Just google it and it will come up.