LDR Gone Wrong..?

[Radeon]

I already know what everyone's going to say, but I guess I just want to post to get it out of my system.

 

A little background info, gonna try making it short:

My ex-girlfriend and I met over the internet in 2007. We met on an online forum where she was posting nude photos of herself for men to see. I had no intention of dating her when we started talking, I actually just started talking to her as a joke, and to find out what kind of person she was. I don't really know what happened, but over the course of 6 months we both started having strong feelings for each other, and met 11 months after first contact. A year after meeting and doing long distance visits every month, we moved in together. She left her home country to move with me in September '09, and that's when things got sour. She didn't really like where I lived, and I was willing to give up everything here (family business, trust fund) to move back to the US with her. She visited home every 2-3 months since getting here, and eventually decided to stay back at home the last time, March. At this point we were still talking about moving back to the US. It was a matter of when, instead of "if."

 

She went home and became very distant. Usually when we were long distance we'd check in at least twice a day via phone, IM, or email. There was none of this this time. Every time we communicated, I initiated it. We'd go 3-4 days without talking, while she went out and got drunk every night. We talked about me moving back to the US. We talked about getting married. We mutually agreed to get married as soon as possible. These things continued for a month and a half, and eventually when I expressed my concerns about the relationship, she freaked out and broke up with me last week Sunday.

 

Her reasoning was that she needed space to find happiness within herself. I believed her for a while. She was trying to get her life back on track at home, getting a new job, move out of her parent's house, etc. I understood that it could be overwhelming to deal with a relationship as well. My heart was broken but i understood. I gave her as much space as possible. I went NC for about 3 days until she broke it, and I caved. There's been a lot of me replying to her texts and her ignoring mine. She put me limited profile on FB but kept us as friends (i couldn't even see her status updates or friends), and blocked me AIM, and MSN the day after she dumped me. She changed all of her passwords as well.

 

Last night we talked to each other for a few hours on the phone, just to clear things up. She told me that she still loved me, and that she was so confused about whether she was doing the right thing. She said that she saw a future with me, but couldn't be in a relationship at this point in time. It was very emotional from both parties, and I feel like it gave me a sense of hope that I now realize was fake.

 

I was staying away from posting, but here's the red flag. She told me she wanted a break to find happiness within herself, but when I asked her about moving on, she told me that she's been talking to other men, and has been asked out on a few dates that she declined. She said there's been nothing physical, and that she doesn't actually want to date, but she feels like its what she's supposed to do. I'm wondering if she's doing it to make me jealous, or if she's seriously trying to date.

 

I can assume that she's just a lost, immature person and that she doesn't know what she wants, or I can assume that she just wants to keep me in limbo for whenever she's done playing the field. What's up eNA, what do you guys think?

[jellysandwich]

Sounds like GIGS. Assume she wants to date other guys, go NC, and move on.

[Radeon]

* Reasons for the break up are contradicting or sound like the dumper is grasping at straws for reasons. As if they are trying to convince themselves of it, too.

* Not much warning that something is going on before the actual break.

* An extreme change in lifestyle, such as suddenly starting to drink a lot, party a lot and hang around people they normally wouldn't.

* Wishy-washiness on the part of the dumper. They love you, but aren't IN love with you. They say that this doesn't mean you two are over forever and maybe someday down the road you'll be together again. At the same time, they'll tell you to move on.

* Quickly entering new relationships with people they aren't very compatible with.

 

Wow.. Talk about hitting the nail on the head.

-Throughout the breakup process she second guessed herself a lot and kept saying, "I have to do this."

-She told me: "We just have to wait and see for the future, I don't have any answers for you"

-She's started drinking and going to bars and getting drunk multiple times a week. Before this, she hated alcohol and could barely stand the taste of it.

 

So typical GIGS.. Really sucks, because when we started dating I had a lot of trouble accepting her self-destructive and promiscuous past, but after I did, she turned into one of the most amazing people I've ever met. I wish this could have worked out, I really saw forever with her...

 

What do I do now? NC?

[Radeon]

No responses as yet, but I guess I'll start updating...

 

Today starts my first day of NC. She texted me and told me that she was sorry for being mean when we talked a few nights ago, I didn't reply because i was planning on going NC for a while... Then I did, but I told her that I couldn't be her friend after she dumped me. There were too many feelings involved, and it'd kill me to watch her date other men. I ignored everything she said and stopped accepting the calls. I said goodbye.

 

Is it normal that I feel terrible now? I feel like I'm making a mistake. Watching her try to contact me makes me feel bad because I feel like I'm hurting her. I love her so much, and I don't ever want to hurt her, no matter what she's done to me. Is it going to get better? Will the feelings go away?

[savignon]

don't ever want to hurt her, no matter what she's done to me

this doesn't sound good.

Yes, it's normal to be this devastated, confused, and feel betrayed. Thinking that she shouldn't hurt and you can puts her on a pedestal, though and it's not healthy for a relationship.

Best wishes.

[Radeon]

But there is no relationship. I loved her before she dumped me and I still love her. Just because she dumped me doesn't mean I'm going to wish her a lifetime of sorrow and failure. She's a person I cared about for 3 years, I think it's more unhealthy to switch your feelings overnight!

[savignon]

Wish her a lifetime of sorrow and failure? I'm not sure how you got that from what I said.

There's a difference between continuing to love her and continuing to hurt yourself so that she doesn't hurt. My advice is to put yourself first right now and take care of you. Whatever that means to you (talk to her, don't talk to her...)

Best wishes.

[Radeon]

There's a difference between continuing to love her and continuing to hurt yourself so that she doesn't hurt. My advice is to put yourself first right now and take care of you. Whatever that means to you (talk to her, don't talk to her...)

Best wishes.

 

While I'd say that talking to her right now would be in my best interest, I know it's not good for the long term. Every time I speak to her, and hear her tell me that she loves me, it gives me so much false hope. It makes me cling onto things that I shouldn't be clinging onto. Then the next two days go by and she ignores my messages and my calls, and I hurt so much again.

 

I've decided to go NC again. I just know that she's going to call me or message me again in a few days and I won't have the strength to ignore it. She knows how much she means to me.

 

I guess I'll ask, while it's on my mind.

 

We talked on the phone for a few hours a few days ago, and she started crying when I told her that I wanted NC. She said "You're really not going to chase me." When we first broke up I wanted to so bad, I wanted to run after her and get her. I even wanted to buy a ticket to go see her, but I thought that it would be terrible to waste all that money, and be stood up at the airport.

 

She tells me she loves me, gets mad and upset because I say im letting go of hope, says that she's "conflicted" about breaking up with me to have space and making the biggest mistake in her life. I don't believe it though, I feel like she's just trying to manipulate me into staying there waiting for her, yet she always tells me "no don't wait, move on, please."

 

What's her deal?

[jellysandwich]

Who cares? She's struggling with the breakup, so let her deal with it herself. She ended it, time to face the consequences.

[Radeon]

Now she's going into all of the online stores and accounts we shared together, and changing them from her email address to mine... I'm getting all of these "Thanks for updating your contact info!" emails.

 

It's definitely hurting me because it's bringing up old memories of things we did together. God I hate breakups.

[Radeon]

I know she's struggling with the relationship, she's cried and told me that she loves me so much, but she can't be in a relationship at this point in her life (BS probably. Most likely just wants to play the field). Im just torn. I want her back, I really do.... but I don't know what's the best way to go about doing that. Do I keep in contact with her, or do I go NC? She wants to be friends with me, but I don't think I can do it. I don't think I can watch her date other men.

 

I guess I'm wondering whether she really just needs time in her life to figure things out, without supporting a relationship, OR if she just wants to keep me on the sideline until she gets bored of dating around. I want to add her back to BBM and message her so bad, her add request is pending and I just want to hit accept!

[jellysandwich]

She wants to keep your there while she gradually detaches herself until she no longer needs you.

 

Keep on the NC.

[Radeon]

You're probably 99.99% right, but my ignorance led me to texting her again.

It's bad that I break NC cause i have to start all over again, but good because every time I hurt, it reminds me why I shouldn't break NC again.

 

Thanks to all of the replies I've gotten.. The journey has just begun, and it's only going to get harder from here, I'm sure.

[michaelhopes]

We met on an online forum where she was posting nude photos of herself for men to see.

We'd go 3-4 days without talking, while she went out and got drunk every night.

Her reasoning was that she needed space to find happiness within herself.

She said "You're really not going to chase me."

 

Better to let this one go Radeon. She's messed up and it wont get better.....

 

I can assume that she's just a lost, immature person and that she doesn't know what she wants, or I can assume that she just wants to keep me in limbo for whenever she's done playing the field.

 

You cant rescue her from her mental problems.

Jump out of this plane ride from hell and pull the ripcord.......

[Radeon]

Thanks for that post Michaelhopes, I wish more people were as straight forward as you are!

 

Part of me is holding on, the other half is coming full circle and accepting the loss and thinking to myself.. "Did i really want this woman to be the mother of my children?"

[michaelhopes]

A year from now when your head clears you'll be wondering "what the hell was I thinking ?"

[Radeon]

I hope so, because so far its just a constant back and forth struggle. Right now its thinking about why she did it, and what's she's doing in her life now. A few hours ago I didn't even care for her. I want to never even think about her again, honestly.

[michaelhopes]

That back and forth struggle is normal for what you are going thru.......It will get better

[Radeon]

Update...

 

So I've done NC for a few days now, I'm really not counting to be honest... Anyway, she's texted me twice since last night, and sent me an email today. I've ignored all of them, and I think she's starting to realize that I don't want to play backup plan, and that I'm serious about moving on. Here's what she said:

i love you so much. i miss you. i will forever regret leaving you. im

so sorry. you never deserved to hurt and im sorry that i hurt you.

 

I'm happy for myself that I can look at this stuff and think, "PLEASE stop contacting me, I don't wanna hear it."

 

I see no reason to reply to the email. There's no talk of reconciliation, no questions to be answered, etc. It seems like a desperate tug at my heart strings just to get something out of me. Besides, if I reply to it she's probably just going to go missing for another 3 days like last time. I'm 95% sure she has another man, and just wants the ability to go back and forth between us.

 

Thoughts?

 

Part of me wants to reply and tell her "Please stop contacting me." But at the same time, i feel like saying nothing gets the same point accross, without letting her know that I even bothered wasting the time and energy to reply. I don't hate her, and don't think I ever will... She has the right to choose who she wants to be with, just like I do -- and because of what she's done, I choose to never be with her again.

[michaelhopes]

i love you so much. i miss you. i will forever regret leaving you. im

so sorry. you never deserved to hurt and im sorry that i hurt you

 

Standard dump the nice guy line........

Translation : Please say its ok that I threw you under the bus.......

Ignore.........

[Radeon]

Hahaha michaelhopes, I like you dude. Your advice is always awesome.

 

But * * * does she want? Just for me to tell her that it's okay, so that she can feel better and move on? Or does she want me to come crawling back to her so that she can get her fix of me, and disappear for another 3-5 days?

[michaelhopes]

Maybe both.....either way its not good

 

i love you so much. i miss you. i will forever regret leaving you. im

so sorry. you never deserved to hurt and im sorry that i hurt you.

 

I've got an ex gf that dumped me about 20 years ago. Water under the bridge now(3 LTR's later) and weve been friends for quite a long time now. I see her maybe once or twice a month and we talk for a short while about whatever......

 

She still without fail ,everytime , gives me that quoted line......

I tell her "its been 20 years, you can let it go now"......

I think its hardwired into women

Go figure.......

[savignon]

She might be trying to make herself feel better...??

[Radeon]

Slept on it and thought about It for a while... It's definitely just her contacting me to say, "you didn't deserve to hurt and I'm so sorry that I hurt you. Now please don't disappear from my life and make me realize I dumped you. I don't want to hurt like you did. "

 

I plan on contacting her in a few days, not for a second chance, just to let her know that I'm not interested in hearing from her unless she wants to discuss the possibility of a reconciliation attempt.

 

Good idea or no?

[Radeon]

Went ahead and let her know after she sent me another email telling me that she won't stop until she finds me. Doesn't surprise me that she didn't reply. But I feel a bit of weight off of my shoulders knowing that I'm no longer leading her around in the dark wondering where I've gone. She knows I'm here and she knows that I mean business. I know I can potentially never hear from her again, and that's fine. Like I told her, I can't be her friend and I refuse to be her backup.

 

Here's to being single and moving on from people who don't understand how to treat others.