Law enforcement dilemma: KILLING ME ...At my wit's end...ready to end 7 year relationship

[spearntime]

Hey everyone

 

I have been with my husband over 7 years and we have two children. I have two kids from a previous marriage.

 

I have always tended to be with men who have been quite abusive. Mostly mentally abusive.

 

My husband is in general a good guy, but there are times he just goes off. He is in law enforcement and seems to get little sleep (as do I), and is somewhat "up and down" in his reactions to me.

 

I am tired of being treated like his anger release. Last week I began having symptoms of what I thought was diabetes. I went to the dr and he asked some questions. He told me after looking at a couple of tests that I am too young and healthy to just come down with diabetes like that.

 

So he began asking me what was going on in my life that was causing me stress...

 

I mentioned stress from my kids and all the responsibilities around the house. But I knew deep down the real stressor.

 

It's my husband. My body is under so much stress that I am reacting in a way that pumps cortisol into my body and could cause serious life threatening problems (including diabetes) in the future. I am solely responsible for almost ALL the things going on at home. As a matter of fact, I picked out, set up, and handled the entire process for moving into where we now live. My husband did notihing. Not even looked at the house before we moved in. He left EVERYTHING up to me.

 

I have made up my mind I will only be treated with respect. I am just not sure what to do or how to do it.

 

Last night I asked him for his schedule. I wanted the printed one from work, every time he has come home and jotted it down on my calendar...there has been a problem. Then our entire family's schedule is totally ruined for the week. He even missed a couple of days of work bc he got them wrong! (hence, the STRESS I am under and suffering from).

 

I asked him to please get the printed version bc of what happened before. He began getting angry and telling me that there is no way of getting the printed version...etc... (then how did he even know his schedule to begin with? ? ? It had to be printed somewhere). I told him I am trying to reduce my stress (hence, HEALTH problems!) And instead of his helpful "I don't want to stress you out" attitude, he proceeded to tell me that I just don't trust him.

 

At this point of his behavior, I WAS beginning to get nervous. Why the resistance? Why not just bring it home and deny access to something he obviously just looked at? ? ?

 

He left back to work angry (stormed out the door when I have told him bf that I need peace between us bf going back out there cons. he could be KILLED).

 

I then called him on the phone and began apologizing for coming accross as "not trusting". And that the only reason I wanted it was the last minute running out of the door in the past to get to training days we didn't know about bf because of this issue. He began yelling into my ear "F this F that BULL- - - - ..." Denying... more yelling about things that weren't even true.

 

He then tells me not to call him and hangs up. I try calling back to explain and he doesn't answer. Turns off his phone.

 

I have been up all night....again. I have two small babies, four kids altogether...two special needs to deal with plus a husband who treats me like this. I don't get any sleep anyway, and my stress is literally killing me.

 

I have decided to take my wedding ring off. I have texted him and left him messages saying that I will not be treated this way anymore and that when I get an apology I will put the ring back on. Until then we are separated.

 

This has been going on and has gotten incredibly abusive over and over again. I have tried fighting back and getting him with words, I have tried ignoring it, I have tried leaving for a few days and nothing has worked. I am done in.

 

What would be the best recourse? I am stressed (again...of course), pushed too far, tired...SO tired...lonely, look like hell bc of the stress and no sleep.

 

WHAT SHOULD MY NEXT STEP BE?????????????????????

[Hermes]

SpearN:

 

I have always tended to be with men who have been quite abusive. Mostly mentally abusive.

 

And you think this is a good way to Live S? Only in abusive relationships?

More importantly why do you think this is all you deserve?

 

I have made up my mind I will only be treated with respect. I am just not sure what to do or how to do it.

 

I hope you can get some support in 3D where you are.

 

Your situation is a bit like someone who steps back into the boxing ring for more, so on a more immediate not do try not to engage, just feign indifference, if you can, and do not do any more than you can.

 

H

[savignon]

It seems your caught up in the drama which would naturally happen. In hindsight you can probably see that taking your wedding ring off and 'separating' until he appologizes (which may or may not be sincere) doesn't really solve any of the problems but takes a lot of your energy.

Are you interested in working on things? That means both of you...not just "he's the one doing x, y and z and therefore it's his problem to fix". I think sometimes we say we'd love to see things change but what we really mean is we'd love to see the OTHER person change. In order for it to work, both of you would have to be committed to open communication, kindness and respect towards each other. All of the energy-wasting nonsense (hanging up the phone, not printing up schedules, taking off rings) would have to be agreed upon as "no more" behaviors as they preclude open communication, kindness and respect.

Are those things both of you would agree to work towards?

[spearntime]

I am not sure if this is understood. I am done in with the abuse. I am literally beginning to FAIL physically because of it.

 

I have been nice. I have been respectful. This is the first and only time I have ever felt this drastic. I have never taken off the ring before. He goes off and is so angry, he has ripped apart our entire home when I left to take a break because of the anger.

 

I just don't know what else to do.

[HouseKitten]

Do you want to work this out, or are you done?

 

If you're done, I'd get in touch with a lawyer.

 

If you're unsure, or want to work it out, try and talk him into getting counseling with you. I don't think you can solve all your issues by yourself - it doesn't sound like you two communicate very well right now, a third party might help.

[savignon]

Are you saying you want a divorce? Or you want him to get a grip on his behaviors? I understand that you don't want this anymore and for good reasons. I wasn't sure if "done" means done with the marriage or done with things as they are (and still wanting him in your future).

[spearntime]

Yes, I want him in my future. I love him, and we are very compatible when the stress isn't involved.

 

We have had an issue as well with him looking at porn from the very beginning of our marriage.

 

I am just done with being treated with disrespect. He literally treats a DOG better than he treats me. This is only when there are issues to be dealt with. It's like I'm with a wonderful guy who just can't handle relationship issues OF ANY KIND.

 

He shuts down/stonewalls. Won't talk about it. Ignores the problem. I could talk for hours and he would say two words.

 

I have asked him to go to counseling. He says they are all judgemental.

 

I have tried talking to him

He wont' talk

 

So, yes...I want him to get a grip on his behaviors. He just doesn't see the importance. I don't know how to show him

[Hermes]

I am done in with the abuse. I am literally beginning to FAIL physically because of it.

 

This is exactly what I got out of your first post, Spearn. Constant abuse grinds you down, and it DOES affect your physical health, and can do so, badly. It isn't going to be much use to you, or to your children, if you collapse or simply cannot go on.

You say:

 

he has ripped apart our entire home when I left to take a break because of the anger.

 

He is not going to change, Spearn, and IMO I really do think it is time to see a lawyer, for your own sake and safety. Remember too there are children involved. It will not be easy, either, and be prepared for a long haul back to yourself afterwards. But no matter how difficult, it will still be better than what you are now enduring.

 

All the best

H

[lavenderdove]

People who serve as the police or in the military have special family stress related to the job. The hours are often brutal and constantly changing, and the stress on the job for your husband often trickles down into the home. It can become very difficult for him to relax and leave the job behind, and the whole family pays for that.

 

But there are special counseling services available to families of policemen and military. You need to take advantage of those services, and ask your husband to start attending counseling with you to learn how to deal with the stress and not take it out on each other.

 

You also need to take 'me' time with just you and your husband, away from the 4 kids and the job, to help build the relationship and bond.

 

I wouldn't play games like taking off your wedding ring, as that is just acting out and not solving any problems, just ramping up the conflict and anger.

 

You need to insist that you both go thru relationship and stress counseling, which most likely can be had for free or low cost thru his work.

[sidehop]

I agree with Hermes, if he's going to change, he needs to make it for himself, it doesn't sound like he will be able to do this on his own without any sort of professional help.

 

It says a lot when your body starts to break down because of stress. Not to mention you are raising four children, I'm sure your stress level has gone beyond what you can handle.

 

If you two want this to work, you're going to need counseling. Before he can start to act with respect and understand your needs, he needs to understand himself and learn the cause of these stress. I'm sure his profession brings in a lot of stress alone which contributes to yours and the family as a whole.

 

It's good that you're putting your foot down, it may be that you need to start from there. If he cannot talk to you with respect, without getting short or jump to conclusion then don't give in or feel bad that you're doing so.

[savignon]

It sounds like you've been responsible for making things work most of your relationship and that he's not willing (right now anyways) to actively work on his end of things, either by going to counseling with you or sharing his schedule or any other number of things he could do to show a commitment to change. Unfortunately if he's not willing to change, then that leaves you with the added responsibility of changing how you react to him, which is exhausting, doesn't always work and adds to your plate of responsibilities when you should be focusing on your health and emotional well-being.

Has he given any indication that he's either happy with things as they are or is interested in changing them? Has he ever offered up some changes he could and would be willing to make?

It seems that you understand that doing most of the work on your own has left you emotionally bankrupt and physically ill (if I'm exaggerating, just disregard this). Trying to save your marriage by yourself might be doing more of the same to yourself.

Of course any of us on the outside can only speculate and offer their best insight.

What do you think?

[Sunny1607307996]

The way he doesn't want you to know his "real" schedule and throws the blame back at you for "not trusting him" and then the way he turns his phone off...I can't help but wonder if there is someone else in the picture.

 

Either way, I suggest you consult a lawyer now. I think his behavior is crossing the line from mental abuse to physical abuse. What you're describing is no way for anyone to live.

 

Other posters have mentioned services available for law enforcement families, I think it would be beneficial to seek them out and here what you have available.

 

And IMO, you were completely justified in taking off your ring. I don't think you are playing "silly games" or anything like that. The situation is drastic and you have tried everything else, it seems like. He needs to see how serious his behavior is and how it will cost him his marriage. If he refuses to take the situation seriously then you need to leave, not only to protect yourself and your health but your children as well.

 

I wish you all the best.

[generaldiscord]

In some way, I feel that him not wanting to bring the printed schedule to you is a sign that there is something he's hiding.

 

In another sense, I recall in my own past my dear mother, who required my college schedule when I was home so that she could nag me about my obligations and have a handle on my social obligations. (she's defintiely NOT a witch, I was 15 at the time)

 

Even though I had no intention of lying to her or doing anything stupid or illegal in my free time, I often resented the control she had on my life. Although I adore my family and love to spend time with them, the household situation was stressful, and sometimes it was just nice to hang out with friends without being obligated to give an explanation. That, and I was 15 and hopelessly stressed out with schoolwork. Of course, even the smallest change in my schedule would have my mom reaching for the phone to confirm with the school.

 

The most annoying conversations would be the ones where she tried to catch me in a lie. Sometimes she would come up with ways to get my study group to meet at my house. If I did not comply, she would loose sleep, have a migraine, and more often than not wait up knitting until I got home. I emphasize, there is nothing she ever did that was anything but kind, but the lump sum of her actions was stressing and controlling.

 

I'm not saying that your marriage with your husband is equivalent to my relationship with my mother, but there are parallels. He has a stressful job, a wife, and four children. He knows that you have been stressed, and now you're saying that anything he does to upset you will cause you major health issues. That is stress on top of stress.

 

Maybe he is hiding something from you and being dishonest. But just maybe he regards his work as a highly stressful component of his life in which he wants some privacy. Maybe there are schedule changes in his work which he does not want you to be suspicious of. Maybe the most stressful thing he goes through is your suspicion of him. Maybe your constant stress is stressing him on top of the stress he already has.

 

Before you end things, try to think of what you could do yourself to minimize your stress. Would it help to have a "evening off"? Would it help to hire a tutor for the kid's school work? Could delegate some housework to the kids? Your health is very important, and you must take care of it.

[generaldiscord]

You didn't mention any physical abuse. If there has been any at all, please get some help and get out of there ASAP.

 

If you want to mend the relationship, you can't think of it as a bad guy vs good guy thing. If you want to believe that he can be a supportive husband, you cant accuse him of emotional abuse without serious evidence. (Of course, if he has been emotionally abusive, it's time for the ultimatum, counseling or divorce)

 

List the things you expect to get from a husband. List the things you expect to give. Some of my best friends nearly got divorced, but realized at the last moment that they both expected "emotional support" from their partners, but that they hadn't been giving it. It's amazing how fast their relationship turned from toxic to fine in a span of some weeks.

 

I'm DEFINITELY not saying that everything is your fault or that there isn't enough on your plate. I do however think that you may have come to expect abuse, and that you could be pulling away from a decent guy because of the expectations you got out of previous relationships.

 

I repeat, if he is really abusive, get out of there.

[spearntime]

Thanks so much for all the input.

 

I think it's exactly what I needed.

 

On one hand, I have the choice to leave, or threaten leaving. On the other hand, I have the choice to stay and work things out.

 

And I have had psychological evalutations to rule out any signs of mental problems, and there have been none other than depression around the time of my dad's death.

 

Which is a segway to my next comment about what happened after he got home from work this morning.

 

I tend to have"Medium gifts". I have gifts of feeling people who have died. I heard my dad this morning telling me to be comforted and that this whole thing really wasn't a big deal.

 

I have proven this gift to my husband in the past, so I told him my dad wanted to talk to us.

 

He proceeded to tell us (through my words) that he understands my husband's stress (he was in law enforcement himself and it is eventually what killed him). And that no matter how childish or bratty i can behave (yeah, thanks, Dad!) my husband needs to practice patience with me and be respectful.

 

He also said that we are BOTH too tired and too stressed to deal with these issues effectively right now. He said he knows my husband loves me, but should show it instead of be at war with me. He told my husband that I really am on his side.

 

My husband began to cry. I had no idea he was under such stress and pressure.

 

I'm going to stay and try some other types of stress relief and urge my husband to do the same.

 

On my dad's way out, he said, "I wouldn't go to one of those DMN counselors, either".

 

LOL

 

sigh.... this stuff can seem a little weird.

 

It's true, though

[generaldiscord]

Don't expect a change overnight!

 

It's hard to make the first move. It's hard to smile when you feel rejected. It's difficult to be kind and gentle when you crave a kind and gentle touch. It is hard to say you are sorry for your own faults when you know that there are faults against you. It is hard to give up the little fights in consideration for the greater peace.

 

Break out the first smile, give the first apology, and try to make every day happier for both of you.

[DN]

Are you absolutely sure that he can obtain a copy of the printed schedule? I don't mean "well, he should be able to" or "fairly sure" but that you actually know for certain that he can?

[spearntime]

he brought it this morning

[DN]

I don't think it is ever very wise to involve a parent in one's relationship issues by asking them for advice - they are too biased.

 

I particularly don't think it is wise to involve a parent whose advice has to be interpreted to the son or daughter-in-law because they can't express it directly.

[spearntime]

Well, it was expressed truly and accurately, or my dad wouldn't have bothered. Trust me. He was very neutral and not concerned with taking sides...just making it work.

 

When people are on the other side and in a good and positive energy, they are extremely neutral and not concerned with teh things we are.

 

Plus, it's hard to be biased when he sees exactly what goes on the entire time. A live parent couldn't do that. Their child and spouse would behave differently if they were in the room...well...physically anyway

[Hermes]

Spearn:

 

Priority here is your health. If you are heading for a physical health beakdown because of extreme psychological and verbal abuse, then it is important that you start looking after yourself, and thinking only of yourself for a while.

Emotional abuse is IMHO worse in many ways than physical abuse. The scars never go away.

 

H