very long, but PLEASEEEE read. i am desprete!!!!!!!!

[lovexo]

I am so hurt nd feel so rejected lately. Me and my boyfriend have been together for 2 years now. We have an amazing relationship, he is my bestfriend, we have fun together, supportive of one another..yes we have our ups and downs..but all in all we have a great relationship. WE also live together for the past 1 and half. He is 26 and i am 25. The only problem..which is a big one for me, is our sex life. I have a very high sex drive, and he has NONE. I used to try to ineiate sex all the time, and i would just get rejected ( not in the mood, not the right time, headache, tired..etc., different excuse everytime) It hurts soo much. He says that he is attracted to me, and it has nothing to do with me..but how can i believe that. He does have a drug problem...which i know lowers your sex drive...but come one... We have been together for 2 years, living together, and probaly only had sex 10 times. and when we do its just boring sex. I WAS the type to be down for anything. He actually has never even "gone down". He says its not me all time time, but that doesn't stop me from being extremely hurt. He isn't expereienced..he has been with one other girl..once in his life. He is very shy, and has low self esteem to begin with. But he knows how much i love him, and how attracted i am to him. he just doesnt think that sex is anything in a relationship, that it is the last thing that is importent. To me sex is very important in a relationship. To feel close, to have that bond..to feel connected. I can't even initate it anymore, for fear of being rejected. he makes me feel ugly, worthless..and now i have extremely low self esteem. And by the way, im not conceited, but i am a very good looking girl. I just dont know what to do anymore. I love him soo much, and he have a wonderful relationship..but im holding so much resentment, anger and hurt. by him telling me to respect how he feels, and not to pressure him...at the same time by doing that, he is ignoring and not respect how i feel. I have had soooo many sit down talks with him, blow out fights with him. He knows how i feel. I even sat him down and asked him to compromise...saying.."well if your not in the mood, then you can always help me out..and not be selfish. But nothing. As of right now its been over 2 months of any sort of sexual anything...and before that it was MAYBE once a month. I just dont know what to do anymore, i am DESPRETE for some help or advice!!!!!!! I honestly only want advice on the sex thing, because the drug thing idont want to get into and that would be a completely different thread. What should i do??? I cant leave him over sex, can i ? He is everything i want out of a guy..but notthis. I need someone to make me feel beautiful. Nothing hurts more that the man you love having no sexual desire for you, and if i say that to him...he 'gets soooo defensive and tells me he does have desire for me..and he says "everyone is different, not everyone wants sex all the time..relationships are a lot more than sex, blah blah blah" he makes me feel like a freak tnt i want sex all the time...but i just want it at least once in a while!!! he makes me feel like somethings wrong with me. What should i doo....am i soooooo lost!!!!!!!!! and hurt!

[Regina]

You cannot have sex without involving yourself into matter of drugs. Because the main problem isn't his sexdesire but drugs. If you don't want to be involve with this matter just break up with him. You will not be happy like this. Or resolve this drug problem then you will be able to have a good sex with the person you like the most.

[hexaemeron]

Just a few things. I'm sorry you're going through this. I know it's difficult, but some of what you said... concerns me. You should never need anyone to make you feel beautiful. That's why it's called self-confidence. It comes from within. If you're looking to other people to make you feel good about yourself, you'll always be disappoined every single time.

 

There's always counseling with a MFT or a clinical sexologist. From the sound of it though, I doubt he'll go in for that. You two just have different sexual needs, and there's nothing wrong with that. Barring that, maybe he really just isn't that into you sexually, but values you for who you are as a person in his life.

 

If that's the case, you need to decide whether you want to live this life with him as he is now, because he will not change just because you want him to change.

[savignon]

It's hard to address the sex thing without addressing the drug thing since there's a direct correlation. It's like when my trainer tells me I can't work out just my abs without doing all the other crap.

Drugs decrease your sex drive plain and simple. It's a chemical thing and not something you can change without addressing the real issue.

I wish I had an easier answer for you.

Best wishes.

[progression50]

My ex was also stale in the bed. I have a very high sex drive and was not fulfilled. If sex is important to you (which isn't a bad thing) imagine how miserable and unsatisfied you will be say, 10, 20 years from now? You don't want to end up cheating on him just to satisfy yourself... You deserve the best! Any reason you don't?

[DrKitten]

10 times in two years? I'm surprised you stayed so long. Sexual incompatibility + drug use are two huge deal breakers for me. Next.

[RedDress]

A bit of trivia for you... Relationship experts define a sexless relationship as one in which you have sex with your partner less than 10 times per year. Sooo... yeah. You are in a sexless relationship.

 

I'm not really sure that there is much you can do if his drive simply doesn't match yours. If he wants a sexless relationship and you want a sex-ful (?) relationship. He is simply not the type of person who really wants or needs sex. I don't think you can really change that about him. I mean... maybe you can get him to change a little... but it's all about degrees and it will likely slip there again.

 

The answer is simple but unpleasant. You need to decide if you can be happy in a sexless relationship long-term. Can you? If not, I really think you need to leave.

 

For the record - and on a personal note - you are not alone. I've also been in a sexless relationship (because of the guy). I totally 'get' you. It DOES eat at your self-esteem! It shouldn't... but of course it does! The one you care about the most is rejecting you repeatedly! How are you NOT supposed to take that personally??? I dunno... I left. I guess now, you are faced with the same decision. Sorry