How Do I Stop This Hurt?!

[kelly155]

I am in tears writing this right now, but I really need to vent. I don't know why I'm so HURT, I can't seem to completely stop this feeling.

 

It was a 2 month relationship that started fast (I love You's, Talks about the future, Marriage..etc). When it ended, I was devastated. It's been almost 3 months of NC. I have days where I am fine & happy, then there are days like this where I am feeling hurt, upset, and sad! What is wrong with me?!

 

My ex moved on 2 weeks later & in the back of my mind I kept on saying it's not going to last! And yet, I found out today (3 months later) that he's still with her....

 

Aren't I suppose to be completely over him by now? Why am I hurting past the almost of time the relationship lasted? I know there are people in worst situations (getting out of a divorce or long-term relationship) that's why I feel so horrible! I'm hurting over a measly 2 month relationship.....I must be crazy!

 

Any advice?

[melrich]

You really have to force yourself to move on. Sounds like you have gotten yourself into a bit of a rut and are wallowing somewhat. Set your mind and determine that tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life and make a commitment to enjoy it. You only get one.

[HouseKitten]

How old are you both?

 

2 months was way too soon to be talking about marriage and future. It sounds like you had a flash-fire of a relationship - here one day, gone the next. Too intense too fast.

 

Can you pinpoint what you feel sad about? Why did it end in the first place? Was it a mutual decision, or is part of you still convinced that he's the one?

[kelly155]

How old are you both?

 

2 months was way too soon to be talking about marriage and future. It sounds like you had a flash-fire of a relationship - here one day, gone the next. Too intense too fast.

 

Can you pinpoint what you feel sad about? Why did it end in the first place? Was it a mutual decision, or is part of you still convinced that he's the one?

 

I guess I feel sad that he's moved on. In a way, I just want him to feel the HURT he caused me when he left. I don't know who I've become in the last 3 months....I went from a happy/bubbly person to being very negative. My confidence has been crushed. I've been trying my hardest to push myself out of this phase. I guess I can't seem to let go of the "HOPE monster."

[HouseKitten]

Did he give a reason for leaving?

 

Also, have you considered getting back out there and dating yourself? Sometimes the best cure for an old relationship is to see that you're still attractive and capable of feeling attraction to others.

[nguyenal]

I am in a similar position except we did not get to the "I love you" phase. We known each other for about 5 months. About 1 month of dating and then on and off there after. He is not with anyone right now but he doesn't have feelings for me like that anymore.

 

I am on the first day of NC right now. Just like you, I question myself why do I feel lonely and so hurt without him when I was never really with him, and we did not see or talk to each other that much. I should not feel this way because it is too soon into the relationship to develop this feeling.

 

But I guess love doesn't wait for time. But don't you think we are more fortunate than others who broke up after 6 or 7 years? I feel that at this early stage of relationship, I feel this intense after the breakup and I cannot image how it feels for others in long term relationship.

 

You must move on. It hurts now but time will change that. I believe it.

[kelly155]

Did he give a reason for leaving?

 

Also, have you considered getting back out there and dating yourself? Sometimes the best cure for an old relationship is to see that you're still attractive and capable of feeling attraction to others.

 

He just said that he wasn't sure of his feelings for me anymore and that he needed to just be single & figure things out for himself. He had gotten out of a long-term relationship a few months before he met me. So I honestly believed that there were things that he really did need to figure out for himself. Yet, 2 weeks after we broke up he moved on to another girl.

 

I keep thinking....was he hiding things from me? Was he talking to this girl while he was with me? What happened between us? What did I do wrong? I can't seem to let go of these questions. I don't know why either. It shouldn't matter to me anymore.

 

Yes, I've tried going out on dates with other people and I haven't felt a thing. No interest at all....I take that as maybe I'm not ready.

[nguyenal]

My guy is a bit secretive too. There were a lot of red flags at the beginning of the relationship. We never gone out in the public. I am not sure if he has talked to anyone but I did question him about it and he always said "no." But you will never know.

[kelly155]

I know that's what I keep telling myself. If I'm feeling this much hurt after just a couple of months, I can't even imagine what it must be like after 6 or 7 years. I don't even know why I let myself develop feelings that fast for him, maybe that's why I'm so hurt.

[nguyenal]

I feel ya. You feel that you lowered yourself too much. I think we did not play hard to get or give them enough space so that they could chase after us and value us more.

 

That is how I feel. I feel that I given myself to him too easily and he did not have to work for it so he is taken it for granted. I guess he got bored. This is a huge lesson to learn for future references.

 

For me, I got out of a first relationship and 6 months later, I met him. During that time, I was craving for a relationship to prove that I have moved on from my first bf. I moved on but also I wanted to show to others. I got with him so fast to show myself that I could like someone else. At first, I did not like him that much. I was just with him. The more time we spent, the more I started to fall for him and of course too deep.

 

It is time to really move on.

 

Good luck to you.

[AutumnBorn]

Kelly, snap out of it! Get a grip and focus because I'm about to tell you exactly what you need to do, but you've got to read it with a clear and open mind.

 

You have to find a purpose for living, one thing on which you can devote your time and energy and here it is: From today until it's done, your mission must become revenge. It's the only way to help you get out of this funk you're in. Npw. before you go out and slash his tires, let me explain...

 

Your revenge has to be self-centered. You have to fully embrace your life and live it to the fullest. You have to become the best version of yourself and the reason is, you're going to run into him sometime and he has to

 

Here's how you can do it:

 

1. You'e going to improve the way you feel about how you look. There's nothing like confidence to help a woman look beautiful to others, so you're going to start boosting yours today. That means you have to look at your diet (make sure you're eating healthy) and fitness, skin and hair, clothing and accessories. You are not going to leave the house without looking completely put together. If you don't have a personal style, start putting some thought into it and make some decisions. Take a look at your clothes. If they don't fit your new style, chuck them. Same with accessories. If your hair doesn't make a statement that goes with your clothes, change it. Same with your make-up.

 

The reason you're going to do this is that men are very visual. When you run into him, you have to make him think "OMG...she's hot". (I actually made my ex gasp once. It was amazing!)

 

2. You have to begin doing something very physical. Could be playing a sport, could be chopping wood. Doesn't matter what it is, find something to exhaust you.

 

The reason you're going to do this is that it helps with tension, increases your fitness level, and helps you sleep (don't do it too close to bedtime). As you probably know, tension causes us to gain weight and muscle helps us lose weight and carry our own luggage...very important. And sleep helps your body regenerate and heal, so you look better when you run into him.

 

3. You're going to take a class and learn something new. Learn to play the sax or violin, speak French or Spanish, paint or sculpt. It doesn't matter, just learn something new and either useful or entertaining. Some classes are available at the library or through extension services and are cheap, if cost is an issue.

 

The reason you're going to do this is it will expand your mind and help you to become a more interesting, well-rounded person. Your ex may hear about your new interest and his curiosity may be rise.

 

4. You're going to find a non-profit organization that serves a demographic or purpose for which you feel strongly. It has to serve or address the needs of the poor or underserved - the homeless, the under educated, the hungry, the poor, the disabled, the elderly. Pick one, they all need you.

 

This is going to make you think less about your pain and more about others. It will help the soft, caring side of you shine through. There's something about selfless acts that help us look desirable to others.

 

5. You're going to go out and meet new people. A great way to do this is through meetups. Could be a film or book club, people who enjoy hiking or bike riding tours. Find one that sounds interesting to you at link removed.

 

The reason for this is to meet new and interesting people who enjoy doing something you also enjoy, not just co-workers you get along with or friends left over from school, but people with whom you have something in common.

 

6. You're going to become an expert in something and become the go to girl for whatever. Photography? Local architecture or architecture? You name it.

 

This is going to help you become unique and fascinating to your ex's eyes and those of everyone else you meet.

 

7. You're going to work on your poise and manners. You're going to learn how to become gracious and elegant.

 

The reason for this is because when your old boyfriend and his new girl see you, you're going to have to help her feel more comfortable. After you complete #1 above, she's going to feel like crap when the guy's mouth drops, he begins stuttering, and she disappears from his radar for a few moments.

 

When you've done all of the above, you'll probably realize you do not want him back. Even more likely, you'll have already met somebody else much more interesting and worthy of your kindness and love. The ex, with any luck at all, will be a distant, unpleasant memory.

[kelly155]

Thanks for your advice!

 

I've done a few of the things you have mention. Number 4 has helped me the most! have gotten better because of it, but like I mentioned I still have my days where I feel like the break up was just yesterday! It's pretty pathetic, I know. And being in a rut (it's not hard to get to!). But your right, I need to continue to care & love myself.

[sphx26]

He just said that he wasn't sure of his feelings for me anymore and that he needed to just be single & figure things out for himself. He had gotten out of a long-term relationship a few months before he met me. So I honestly believed that there were things that he really did need to figure out for himself. Yet, 2 weeks after we broke up he moved on to another girl.

 

This is what I had done particularly, during my early 20's. A classic case of rebounding from one relationship to another in a matter of weeks. I realized it's a grave mistake. :splat: Well, it's a good thing I've learned. He might just be on a rebound but rebounds have the potential to work so don't put your hopes on it.

 

Regarding your feelings for him in such a short time, well I guess it has something to do with having expectations that he didn't quite fulfill? So it's more likely that what you're feeling now is a bit of a frustration more than anything else. You fell for what you thought he could be,but not who he really is. Just my two cents.Take care!

[kelly155]

This is what I had done particularly, during my early 20's. A classic case of rebounding from one relationship to another in a matter of weeks. I realized it's a grave mistake. :splat: Well, it's a good thing I've learned. He might just be on a rebound but rebounds have the potential to work so don't put your hopes on it.

 

Regarding your feelings for him in such a short time, well I guess it has something to do with having expectations that he didn't quite fulfill? So it's more likely that what you're feeling now is a bit of a frustration more than anything else. You fell for what you thought he could be,but not who he really is. Just my two cents.Take care!

 

You might just be right on the dot. We are in our early 20's and with regards to my feelings, I did have expectations! When it was over, I felt like a lot of things I wanted from him fell short. I saw potential in him & possibly convinced myself that I can settle with who he was and what he had to offer. But in the back of my mind, I really wanted him to change.

 

I guess I don't want him back and maybe the reason why I'm upset that he's with this other girl is because I can't stop blaming myself for the break up. I felt like I treated him so well, but I also get the thought that I must have did something to lead him to want to break it off. All in all, the only reason I want his relationship to not work out with this girl is because I want to know that I was NOT the problem & it was him. I honestly wouldn't care if he dated someone else after this other girl....but since he's still with the girl who replaced me, I still feel the hurt. I don't know how else to explain it.

[nguyenal]

I am 20. =)

Same here, my ex is a guy full of potential. I love his ability and his determination to do well in medical school. Also I do want him to change lol. He is 26 but he is just a boy and not yet a man. He can be rude sometimes. I have seen it many times. Also he never had a lasting relationship.

 

I just really want to heal because I know that there are a lot of things going on for him in the future. If I date him now, then he will leaves me in a few years once he graduated and moves to a bigger city. I would be more devastated by then.

 

I was always the one who drove to see him, which is 40 mns away. Also I got him a birthday present, which was nice of me considering how he treated me. I always rented movies so we could watch and returned it afterward.

 

It's definitely them and not us. They are just too insecure and don't really know what they have. I know how you feel. Just accept the pain and accept the fact that he is gone. Focus on yourself now and pray a lot.

 

Stay focus.

[kelly155]

I did feel like I was too available for him. In the beginning I wasn't & he was all over me. But then as I started to show that I was serious & really cared, he started to get distant. So I know what your talking about, but at the same time the whole "hard to get/chasing" are games that shouldn't be played when your thinking about going into a real relationship.

 

And yes, I agree it's time to REALLY move on. I'm trying my best.

[berny]

Hi kelly,

I understand what u are going through.But here i am a guy and u are girl..i am going through the same thing.Read my post..may be i went through from horrible insults...i never even yelled at her....i did the same thing as AutumnBorn told u to do....i een joined salsa classes...but its becoming hard.i feel like an idiot that everywomen look like my ex...

i was in 7 months of relathinship.i cant figure out why do we care for such worthless people...i will pray for u ....pain will come down.lets not give any chance to these people..and i know its hard to imagine ur ex with someone else...i am in 100% same situation...

[sphx26]

If he does have a problem, then let him learn it the hard way, at the same time, just sit back, relax and enjoy your life without him in it.

[adamt]

Sorry to hear you are finding it hard.its 12 months since i was dumped from a 3 year relationship,still find it hard sometimes. i know what you are going through.

 

there is no quick fix unfortunately. all i can advice is just focus on yourself.fill your time up and stay as busy as possible.take up neW hobbies,join a gym,dont sit at home thinking,find new things that interest you.talk things through with friends rather than contact the ex. put yourself first and be selfish.