Which "diagnosis" is this? She is nuts!

[Not2bforgot10]

5/11/10

 

I just went off on Erin tonight because she was drinking in front of me. I had come downstairs to eat the pizza we had ordered, and she had poured a huge glass of alcohol… I’m not sure what kind, but the glass was pretty large. She had JUST, literally, 2 hours prior to that arrived home from the bar.

Anyway, I came downstairs to eat and staring right in front of me on the coffee table was this huge class of alcohol… the glass looked like a glass you would see in the medieval times. Mind you, there had not been alcohol in the home for our ENTIRE relationship. I specifically made it very clear to her that I did NOT want it in the home. When I told her this tonight, and stated that I was uncomfortable, she laughed at me and said “Too bad --this isn’t your house; I can do whatever the ‘’ I want.” I said to her the ONE thing I didn’t want to be around was alcohol in the home. I have told her numerous times that if she wants to drink, that’s fine, but NOT inside the home because I do NOT like how she gets when she drinks. I do not trust Erin period, let alone, when she drinks, and I have been lied to by her on numerous occasions, and alcohol only seems to perpetuate matters.

She used the excuse that she is at her “dad’s” and can do whatever the “” (quote) she wants. Completely walking ALL over me! …having NO disregard for my wishes/boundaries at ALL ,and caring for no one BUT herself. How DARE her pour a HUGE glass right in front of me! And to think that she still has more in the fridge… I am upstairs now. She is probably reveling in the fact that I am up here and she can finish what she had left. While I was down there, I told her to pour it out. Out of decency and respect I thought she would at least do that, but she didn’t… instead, she chugged it down. Of course there was still more because it was a pretty large glass.

Anyway, I do not want to be around her. I raised my voice pretty loudly while downstairs, explaining to her that I was highly uncomfortable and could not believe that she would do this after I made it very clear that I did not want to be around it.

I said to her that if her dad wants to drink, or anyone else, that’s fine, but I do NOT want to be around it with her because I do not like how she acts when she drinks. She has a serious problem with lying, cheating, temper/anger issues. Erin takes it way too far and has a serious problem with it.

It seems like most of our relationship has been one-sided. Erin started being selfish in the very beginning when we first started dating. She would always want me to please her sexually and would not return the favor. She would literally turn her back on me after I finished pleasing her. She would also push for sex. She claimed to need it in order to feel desired. It was excessive though. I specifically remember a few times (this was seldom) when I was not in the mood, and Erin would lay on the guilt, causing me to feel like a mediocre partner. I can specifically remember feeling fear (“pressure” is the only way I can describe it) that if I did not comply and do as she wanted (she often demanded covertly; blackmail?) then she would leave me and seek it elsewhere.

One time Erin let her enthusiasm and ego get the best of her and she did not stop touching me when I told her to. I will not go into details, but she has some serious issues with boundaries. Anyway, she pushed me to be intimate with her and pushed for involvement and threatened that if I didn’t she would direct her attention elsewhere to other pursuits.

Erin has had violent outbreaks off and on throughout our relationship… rages… she will kick and slam doors and yell. She almost always yells. One time she got pissed off that I wouldn’t take her to this thrift store called Recycled North. Erin and I had run many errands that day and had come home and had innocently forgotten about Recycled North, and she kept pushing me to take her. I told Erin that we had both innocently forgot and that I would take her tomorrow. She would not accept this response and began laying on the guilt.

I told her that she was being manipulative (she was literally acting like a child and being abusive/controlling), and she exploded and packed all of her belongings and lined them up at the door. This all happened within an hour. She also managed to go online and rent a car at that time. I remember feeling completely devastated at this time and wondering how she could just leave someone she claimed to “love so much” over something that seemed so trivial. I set a boundary that she did not like, and she coerced and guilt-tripped me until I called her on it, and not liking what she had heard, she out frustration, impulsively packed her things up to leave for a 9 hour trip back home. I cannot explain the hurt that resulted from this incident and the lack of trust that followed. Trust was completely undermined by this incident.

This was not the first time that Erin had undermined the trust in our relationship… 3 months prior to that, 3 months into our relationship, after frequent talk about “marriage,” Erin actually proposed to me only to ask me no more than a few days later, on Thanksgiving, if I would have a 3-some (group sex) with her and someone else! I was astonished. Absolutely appalled. I thought it was a joke. I literally could not believe what I was hearing or make sense of that “reality.” It was not a reality to me, and certainly not a “reality” that I had lived in before. I could not believe, after 3 months of being together, the woman who proposed to me would have the audacity to ask me if I wanted to have a 3-some. I was horrified. I said “Absolutely not.” I asked her why she would ask me such a thing, and she said “Because I have always wanted to and have never gotten the chance.” Again, this was 3 months prior to when she had packed up all of her stuff over me not taking her to the store. I experienced similar feelings of disgust and betrayal in my stomach that I did at the latter incident.

Several events have transpired in between these two events, as well as before, and shockingly --and worsly, after. Erin has had a history of lying, cheating, stealing, and alcohol and drug use, and I guilt myself for not having left when I learnt of all of this. Unfortunately I did not learn of this until 3 months after we had been involved, and certainly not voluntarily. I mean, Erin did not volunteer the information. I discovered that she had a whole slew of problems in the midst of one of her many crises. I have somehow fallen in the middle of it. I seem to have gotten entangled. She has lied to me on numerous occasions, and I actually have detailed accounts of this as a result of trying to cope with the horror. I wrote as a constructive outlet for my anguish, loss, and grief.

There were so many times when Erin would not tell me things. She would purposely withhold information, as well as affection, claiming that it was her “right,” yet it was uncharacteristically out of line, and if I had (which I wouldn’t) ever done anything of such nature I would be characterized as a “villain.” I say “villain” because that’s how her mind seems to work. She sees things in “black and white,” “all or nothing” and acts much like a child. Erin has serious mental disturbances, including paranoia and entitlement issues which can be expressed in frequent anger bursts to intolerant pushiness. She likes to see herself as the victim and often engages sympathy from people to elicit attention and affection. When she was little she used to feign being sick, often, to avoid having to go to school. She will also push you away if you get too close to her and pull you close if you seem the least bit distant. There is rarely a moment “in-between.”

I may never understand why Erin has done so many reckless and cruel things, and I may never understand why I stuck around for the time in which I did except out of guilt and a natural tendency to shoulder responsibility and protect and provide for those I love. I do not want to endure this horrific situation again, and I hope that I, for the sake of my own sanity, can learn to grieve this loss and develop better trust and boundaries and learn to re-rely on my intuition so that I can guard against being manipulated and used again.

[Dako]

You seem to dislike Erin.

[Capricorn3]

I'm not sure what advice you are seeking, or what the question is, but like the poster above said, you don't seem to like Erin at all. If she makes you so unhappy then why are you with her? Pack your things and leave. Move on.

[Not2bforgot10]

I have lost trust and confidence in myself and need a certain amount of validation in order to move on.

 

I mean, what do you think about her?

 

As I said, I have lost the ability to trust my own judgment. Occasionally I will have clarity, but living in this environment, I am walking on eggshells and find it very difficult to stay balanced.

[Capricorn3]

I mean, what do you think about her?

 

As I said, I have lost the ability to trust my own judgment. Occasionally I will have clarity, but living in this environment, I am walking on eggshells and find it very difficult to stay balanced.

I don't know her but can only go on what information you have provided. She sounds a little selfish, domineering and controlling.

 

I feel if you find yourself walking on eggshells all the time, then it's time to pull the plug. It means things are not working (imo). You should never stay "just for the sake of staying", or thinking that things will change (they rarely do). You are obviously unhappy, don't seem to like her very much at all and that is more than enough reason to move on.

[Not2bforgot10]

I don't know her but can only go on what information you have provided. She sounds a little selfish, domineering and controlling.

 

I feel if you find yourself walking on eggshells all the time, then it's time to pull the plug. It means things are not working (imo). You should never stay "just for the sake of staying", or thinking that things will change (they rarely do). You are obviously unhappy, don't seem to like her very much at all and that is more than enough reason to move on.

 

I feel indebted to her... guilty for living her. In some way I think I pity her, and I do genuinely care for her, but she does not care for herself or me. Yes, she is very selfish, and I have waited a year and 8 months now for her to wake up and "open her eyes" and she hasn't. Anytime I communicate to her a genuine concern, she just says, "So leave me," "Just go," "Leave..."

 

It has been so hard for me to get her to take personal responsibility and she refuses. She, as I said, just tells me to leave. She will (and is so quick) to call our relationship quits. It hurts. I feel like she lacks insight into her behavior, that, or she is genuinely manipulative. After all, she did steal from her family's business where she worked for 3 consecutive years stating she got a "high" off of it.

 

I guess I stay, or have stayed as long as I have because 1. I feel sorry for her, and I do care for her (big one), and I feel like there must be something wrong with me because if I was "good enough" she would not treat me this way.

 

It's really confusing, and I am hurting inside... I am torn between leaving and staying, but I know that she cannot, because she hasn't in nearly 2 years, change her behavior. She refuses to accept personal responsibility, but I do not know how to separate... in that I am taking it personally, which is keeping me sticking around.

[Capricorn3]

she does not care for herself or me. Yes, she is very selfish, and I have waited a year and 8 months now for her to wake up and "open her eyes" and she hasn't. Anytime I communicate to her a genuine concern, she just says, "So leave me," "Just go," "Leave..."

 

It has been so hard for me to get her to take personal responsibility and she refuses. I feel like she lacks insight into her behavior, that, or she is genuinely manipulative. After all, she did steal from her family's business where she worked for 3 consecutive years stating she got a "high" off of it.

 

she hasn't in nearly 2 years, change her behavior. She refuses to accept personal responsibility.

^^ Please re-read your own words above. Read them several times.

 

Now again I ask you: WHY stay with someone like that? Seriously.

[d24]

All well and good, she's evil, you've been continually wronged, she's selfish, blablabla, you know all these things so why come to us for advice? Me thinks this has been embellished to make your point, and being in a negative frame of mind means you've only shared your version of the negative aspects of this relationship.

 

We need to remember though... This is only one side of the story

 

Obviously you're posting these things because there is some good in her, else you'd have ran long ago. So... what's keeping you together? Stop telling us what's wrong, and tell us..... What's good about Erin?

[jazzykat]

You don't have the right to control her drinking habits, but you do have control over whether you stay or go....

 

Like the other posters said, what is keeping you there?

[inthearmy]

I'm not a doctor or anything, but I have read on the subject or border line personality disorder (BPD) and she sounds exactly like it. If you want to learn more about why she does that stuff, go to amazon and do a search for "walking on egg shells". I can't remember which one's I've read but they have some good info. Or you can just google BPD. She's most likely been abused as a child in some shape or form. These are my opinion's so take them with a grain of salt please.

[Not2bforgot10]

All well and good, she's evil, you've been continually wronged, she's selfish, blablabla, you know all these things so why come to us for advice? Me thinks this has been embellished to make your point, and being in a negative frame of mind means you've only shared your version of the negative aspects of this relationship.

 

We need to remember though... This is only one side of the story

 

Obviously you're posting these things because there is some good in her, else you'd have ran long ago. So... what's keeping you together? Stop telling us what's wrong, and tell us..... What's good about Erin?

 

What I wrote here has not been embellished; it is THAT bad. I have not exaggerated, and that is the truth. I have numerous detailed accounts of things like this that have happened because it was my only sanity... my only defense and protection to protect myself... my outlet.

 

I do realize this is only one side of the "story," but I am being honest, and as far as the "good" with her... the absolute only thing I can think of is she's adaptable. She can multi-task and she's adaptable.

[d24]

You make me sound like I am some borderline-personality individual who uses splitting as a defense, seeing "all good" and "all bad;" in this case bad... I am not Borderline.

 

............

 

I do realize this is only one side of the "story," but I am being honest, and as far as the "good" with her... the absolute only thing I can think of is she's adaptable. She can multi-task and she's adaptable.

 

I was actually hoping you'd reply with something along these lines.

Read it back, get it in your head that this needs to end sooner rather than later, and formulate an exit strategy.

 

4 things to consider:

1) arranging possessions (you don't want her claiming you've taken her stuff, and you can't expect to get anything back if she's really that bad)

2) arranging accommodation/money (if you have somewhere to stay so that you're nowhere near her it'll make this a whole lot easier for the other steps, preferably somewhere she can't track you down which ties into 3)

3) establishing limited/no contact (which will help you both through this)

 

and most importantly:

 

4) where and when (because you don't want things to kick-off)

 

Good luck, you know this needs to happen so get on it

[Not2bforgot10]

D24-

 

Nothing is "embellished," OK? I have nothing to twist and no ulterior motives.

 

I was debating sending you some of the accounts so you can get a further look for yourself, but I will refrain. I do not want to gossip about her, and I feel that sharing her personal history would be a privacy violation.

 

Anyway, I will share with you a dream I just had last night after sharing on the forums.

[Not2bforgot10]

My last night's dream...

 

5/11/10

 

I was in this dilapidated building, with a team of people… a crew. We were expedition explorers, Urban Explorers (I had just watched a show on Urban Explorers two days before). The building was large, and I'm not sure what kind of building it was, but it had many hallways and crawl spaces. It was dark (dim) inside of the building and cold.

Anyway, we had all been sitting around talking to one another in a large open space, still dark, (we had flashlights) taking a short break, and then when it was time to continue the expedition. We either heard strange voices/noises that sounded ghostly, or someone had died, possibly someone on our crew.

Regardless, I remember the whole crew being in a frenzy, and I remember looking around at my crew trying to mentally figure out how to get everyone together in an effort to escape as one because my protective instincts had kicked in. I wanted to be sure the crew got out safely.

Anyway, some guy, one of my crew members yelled to me "Just go!” "Get out!" (Note: I had just shared on a support forum the night that this dream had occurred those exact words when describing how Erin would respond to me in terms of resolving issues).

I remember distinctly feeling torn at that point... that is the only way I know how to describe it, -- because I did not want to leave my "crew" behind.

So myself and another guy, I believe he may have been black? I could be entirely wrong, but it was definitely a guy... and he was around my age, went one way together, not knowing where we were going hoping to find an exit, a way out. We did, and it was so close... We were terribly afraid (this fear was overshadowed by the way in the dream with a focus on mental escape), and did not want to get hurt because this entity/spirit, etc. -- whatever it was, was scaring people and murderous.

Oh, and I remember seeing a light... as in outdoor light… sun… that was how I knew we had found an exit. I believe before that I saw an exit sign, written in red…

I will just never forget the crew in the dream... and the distinct feeling of being torn and leaving them behind for my own safety. As I said, there was a definite strength (internal) I felt, almost like that of someone on the SWAT team would feel, or even an ordinary police woman who had gone on a rescue mission. It was this inner trust/confidence despite the fear involved.

 

Before I provide my personal interpretation of the dream, I would be interested in hearing others' interpretation?

[Dako]

The dream seems to be about getting out.