Butterflies

[BillyGnosis]

I have a girlfriend of three years who I have lived with for around two. We have had a very eventful and mostly happy relationship - no extreme fights ever. We are good with each others families. We are buying a house together and even recently combined our bank accounts. We have talked on deep metaphysical and philosophical issues such as meaning of life, nihilism, existentialism, life goals, etc. We are both atheist and roughly believe most of the same ideology about life and living/society with a high focus on intellectualism. We are extremely comfortable with each other - emotionally, physically, mentally.

 

There was a breaking point where I asked her bluntly about some things... mostly brought up because of the monotony and mediocrity of how our lives have become. We currently work together and do mostly everything together. When we get home, she is very private and keeps to herself lost in her computer - mostly talking to other people online and gaming. It started when I said something to the effect of, "we are always together, but never with each other". She wants to do what she wants to do, she is anti-social in some ways in that she never wants to go out, but wants to be included in certain sub-groups such as the local geeks in the comic shop.

 

She believes in fun - she wants to have fun in the ways and things that spring up in her life. Through some of this conversation she said that she wanted to once again experience a new man in her life - she wants to feel the "butterflies" again, she wants to be infatuated with someone and have the option to take it further if she wanted to. She has stated that she doesn't want to be in a relationship with anybody, she doesn't want to be marginalized as a "girlfriend". This was perhaps an idea brought on by me in some ways. I once told her this exact thing about a year into the relationship. I have told her I weighed the rewards and consequences of this type of "open relationship", the complexities, the issues, all the problems, etc. I then told her over these two years, I decided it wasn't worth sacrificing the relationship and my love for her. When I asked her about it, she said she probably wouldn't change her mind about any of this, even though, we both know her personality and life so far has seen extreme changes in her lifestyle. Maybe she will change her mind? Or maybe just the typical sign that she is bored in her life and of me and wants to move on?

 

End point: We both love each other, we both care for each other, we are both professionally successful. I don't want to do the open relationship thing especially since we both live together, have the same social group, and work together. I have researched this topic, the risks, the rewards and none of it appealed to me except for a new feeling of those "butterflies". She still wants to, she also stated that she wants to either stay together while she does this, or maybe break-up and get back together if it doesn't work out. Which is the typical selfish and "using you" type of mentality that is common with this sort of thing. It's also worth noting that when we first got together marriage, kids, dog, house were all options, now she has become more apathetic towards most of those items and doesn't care about them so much - more of the same sign here. I told her our relationship as it stands now is great, easy, comfortable - we have no finance issues, support issues, insecurity issues, family issues, etc. but she was ready to state that she will "move on" and remove all those luxuries for this feeling of "butterflies"; however, she says doesn't want to.

 

For now, I am making changes in our life that help us be more separated, independent from one another - but will this actually repair the situation (as I feel maybe we just need some more space) or will it just stave it off for longer? I also know most responses will be the "dump her" scenario - I am really wanting that to be a last resort.

[Brigadoon]

How old is this girl? She sounds as though she's not mature enough for the responsibilities that you are both undertaking as a couple and wants to go sow her wild oats but doesn't want to lose the security she has found with you.

My only advice is to be brutally honest with her and tell her that an open relationship is unacceptable to you and that if she persues it you will take it as a sign that your relationship is over and there will be no question of you waiting around for her to go chasing butterflies. Leave that decision to her.

Either she'll get her act together or she'll go. Either way you'll know where you stand, sorry bud it's a crappy situation :sad:

[Longview01]

wow, just wow

 

The only good thing i can see about this post is that she is openly discussing this with you and not just jumping in with other guys to try and get that feeling back.

 

I would take this as a huge warning that she is not ready for this kind of commitment but she seems to have it in her head that while she goes out and trys all these new things your gonna be sitting around waiting for her to decide whether she wants that or to be back in her comfort zone with you.

 

If she goes, I wouldnt sit around and wait

[annie24]

welcome to ENA.

 

How old is this girl? She sounds as though she's not mature enough for the responsibilities that you are both undertaking as a couple and wants to go sow her wild oats but doesn't want to lose the security she has found with you.

My only advice is to be brutally honest with her and tell her that an open relationship is unacceptable to you and that if she persues it you will take it as a sign that your relationship is over and there will be no question of you waiting around for her to go chasing butterflies. Leave that decision to her.

Either she'll get her act together or she'll go. Either way you'll know where you stand, sorry bud it's a crappy situation

 

yes, i agree. after a few years of being together, those butterflies aren't really around like they were in the first few weeks of dating someone new. well, that goes with the territory of being in a long-term relationship. however, she really isn't helping your 'connection' by as you say - withdrawing to her computer. it would be far better if you two did something nice and romantic, just the two of you, to help get that spark back in YOUR lives (not with someone else!!) ie, go for a romantic walk, take a massage class together, do something special just the two of you. i think if you guys try, you can find those sparks again WITH EACH OTHER. however, that will require work on both your parts.

 

i agree, you need to just tell her that you are not ok with an open relationship. and you might want to put the merging of the bank accounts and the purchasing of the house on hold until you have sorted out your issues. i wouldn't move ahead with the next steps until then.

 

i think that her trying to pursue a relationship with a new man on the side for the 'sparks' isn't really a good idea if you are buying a new home together. yikes. good luck

[oldenoughtoknow]

Oh boy, this does not sound good. She wants butterflies. She doesn't want to be in a relationship with anybody. She has a history of extreme changes in her lifestyle. Oh boy.

 

And you don't sound anywhere ready to let this one go. I agree with annie. I hope you can at least cancel the home purchase. And un-combine your bank accounts. The backing off and becoming more independent MIGHT help. Working on your relationship and trying to rekindle the romance MIGHT help. But she doesn't even sound interested in trying. "She probably won't change her mind." Someone's most truthful statement is usually wrapped in the opening salvo.

 

I wouldn't put up with this, if I were you. I would tell her to grow up. I would tell her she needs to figure this out FAST, or you'll make the decision for her. You are NOT going to sit idly by, with your life on hold, anxiously wondering each day when the hammer will be dropped. No, no, NO!

 

I know finding someone that can discuss deep metaphysical and philosophical issues is alluring. But this is REAL life. She's either on board, or she's gone. Whining about wanting excitement and butterflies smacks of immaturity. Not someone who's ready for a LTR. Not someone you would want to spend the rest of your life with. I'm really sorry. Maybe you've misjudged this one all along?

[geekgirl4]

She sounds pretty immature, always trying to pursue those butterflies in the stomach. Butterflies are always temporary - they do, however, get replaced with mushy feelings of love. She has a different outlook on relationships that you so I think its suffice to say that you two should go your separate ways.