Struggling with a boyfriend's first marriage

[Canadagirl930]

I'm 20, and live with my much older boyfriend (he's 39). We've lived together a little over a year, and are very, very in love. We had a whirlwind courtship, and moved in together after four months of dating. We spend about 99% of our time together. He loves me very much, and although he has dated a lot of women, I am the only one he has never cheated on. He was married, and got divorced in 2006.

I'm very close with his family and spend a lot of time with his parents. I don't know why, but I can't help but feel uncomfortable when anything about his ex-wife comes up. I don't know if it is jealousy, but whatever it is, it isn't a good feeling. He and his family are both very, very open about his past relationships, so I hear his ex-wife's name a lot. Also, he used to talk about his ex- girlfriends ALL the time, until I told him how much it bothers me. He has gotten a lot better about it. His family loves me, but I can't help but feel like something of the new kid on the block. I can't get over that his parents and his exwife still talk, etc-- I just don't understand it.

Seeing pictures of their wedding always catches me off guard. I found their wedding tape and divorce papers when I was moving us into our new apartment, and it made me feel really uncomfortable. I know he doesn't still love her, and he is glad he is with me, but I can't help how I feel. I can't help but look her up on facebook, look at old pictures of her on his computer, etc etc. I just clam up whenever a story about her (or her family) comes up. I really don't know what to do, and I think it is bad for our relationship. I want to stop, and I want to feel at ease with it, but I'm struggling.

I tend towards being a little jealous, and can be very insecure, and my boyfriend is the total opposite, so he really doesn't understand. I think part of it might just be an inherent age difference issue, because I certainly have never dated anyone who has been married before (my last serious boyfriend lost his virginity to me). My current boyfriend has slept with over 100 women, and that isn't even what bothers me-- it is thinking of him in love with someone, or being close to someone. I clam up and get very quiet and tense whenever it comes up, and he can tell, and gets irritated. Anyone have any advice? I'd really appreciate it.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I am the only one he has never cheated on.

 

If he has a history of cheating on every single girlfriend, has slept with over 100 women and has chosen as his new girlfriend a woman 19 years his junior who is just barely out of her teens, rest assured this guy will cheat on you as well and is just taking advantage of your youth and innocence. I think you can do much better than this loser....someone your own age who doesn't have this guy's cheating and womanizing track record.

[cazmoore]

I can understand feeling uncomfortable when he's talking about ex girlfriends or his ex wife, which is actually quite disrespectful and completely tactless. Sometimes people do that deliberately to fill up their ego and let you know where your place is. BUT, you will have to control your jealousy. No-one likes a jealous partner, and he probably feeds off that. You shouldn't let people know what buttons to push, because some people will just do that all the time.

 

He's twice your age, so you have to understand that he will have twice the amount of issues you ever had to deal with. And it's a little strange he's dating someone half his age - what can two people like that possibly have in common? Oh yeah. Sex.

 

On a side note - You don't think it didn't bug me finding my ex boyfriends pictures of his girlfriend on facebook? Seeing old pictures of them sitting, cuddling on a chair together? Of course it did, but that was his life before I came along. I don't ever talk about him to her as the 'ex girlfriend' I used her name, talked about him with her using her name, just so it looked like I wasn't concerned about it.

...

At the end of hte day, no-one can tell you to get over your feelings about it. You have to look inside yoruself and figure out WHY you feel like that... and given his history, I can see why. You're getting some major red flags. Becareful.

[Mauxly]

I'm sorry, but I agree that his track record of cheating does not bode well. In my experience these guys are so very convincing. I think its because they believe their own crap.

 

I wish I had better news for you.

[Canadagirl930]

Thanks so much for the quick responses, I really appreciate it. Crazyaboutdogs, I won't take too much offense to your comments because I know how my relationship looks from the outside. It doesn't bother me that he's slept with a lot of women, that is ok. Also, I should mention that his marriage was sort of a non-traditional circumstance-- they had an open relationship-- which obviously changes things. I'm young, but I'm not stupid, and I haven't met a person who thinks that I act my age. I'm a 35 year old-20 year old, and I've always dated men older than me-- it just isn't in me to date someone my age. I guess there is just good and bad that comes with an age difference.

[pl3asehelp]

If he has a history of cheating on every single girlfriend, has slept with over 100 women and has chosen as his new girlfriend a woman 19 years his junior who is just barely out of her teens, rest assured this guy will cheat on you as well and is just taking advantage of your youth and innocence. I think you can do much better than this loser....someone your own age who doesn't have this guy's cheating and womanizing track record.

 

Excellent advice. Skip the inevitable bad ending to this and just move on now.

[Canadagirl930]

I think the "once a cheater always a cheater" approach is so tricky, and all too easy to use. It just depends on the relationship. I quite honestly am not worried about cheating, that isn't my issue. Just trying to deal with the openness that both he and his family have about past marriages. My family deals with divorce in a very different way (once it is over, it is OVER for everyone), so it initially made me feel very insecure that they were still talking about his exwife-- like they didn't take me seriously, or something. I think that combined with my own insecurities has been a bad combination.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I think the "once a cheater always a cheater" approach is so tricky, and all too easy to use. It just depends on the relationship. I quite honestly am not worried about cheating, that isn't my issue. Just trying to deal with the openness that both he and his family have about past marriages. My family deals with divorce in a very different way (once it is over, it is OVER for everyone), so it initially made me feel very insecure that they were still talking about his exwife-- like they didn't take me seriously, or something. I think that combined with my own insecurities has been a bad combination.

 

I think that is the least of your worries with this guy. Lots of women much older than you have also thought "with me it will be different" only to find out that the partner repeats the same life-long patterns even with them.

[Canadagirl930]

Also, I'd like to add that I don't think extra years necessarily results in extra wisdom. I lived alone for four years before we moved in together, and am much more "adult" than many adults. I think my problem results in having a lot fewer exs than my boyfriend because of the age gap, and I just am learning how to deal with it.

Maybe I'm naive and looking through rose-colored glasses, but I do believe that people are able to break patterns, and be in a good relationship despite past failures. I can't afford to believe otherwise, it would shake my world up too much, and give me a much less positive outlook on life.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Also, I'd like to add that I don't think extra years necessarily results in extra wisdom. I lived alone for four years before we moved in together, and am much more "adult" than many adults. I think my problem results in having a lot fewer exs than my boyfriend because of the age gap, and I just am learning how to deal with it.

Maybe I'm naive and looking through rose-colored glasses, but I do believe that people are able to break patterns, and be in a good relationship despite past failures. I can't afford to believe otherwise, it would shake my world up too much, and give me a much less positive outlook on life.

 

You are right, extra years does not result in extra wisdom...this guy has not shown much wisdom for his years. You are 20 years old and you say you have lived on your own for 4 years? What happened to your parents? Do you have a caring father? Are you sure you are not looking for a father figure?

[Dako]

The difference is age isn't such a issue to me, but it's odd that you trust someone with experience at using women. Your feelings about his ex show a vulnerability that won't help when he shows signs of straying.

Please protect yourself.

[Fudgie]

The age difference doesn't bother me. My boyfriend and I share one that is twice that big and we do fine.

 

What DOES bother me is his cheating history. There are many guys out there, both young and old, who do not have that history and are loyal to their women. You deserve someone like that. I do not always subscribe to "once a cheater, always a cheater" if it was just one time, but this guy clearly has a HISTORY of it. That means, many women. Doesn't that bother you? He has clearly demonstrated that this is a life pattern for him. What makes you think you're going to be any different?

[Canadagirl930]

I have a great, really close relationship with my father, so I don't feel that I"m looking for a father figure. I finished high school so I moved out, started University, and got a job very early, which I think made me grow up quite fast.

There are a couple things that make me feel as though I'm different. Every relationship that he has had (except with his wife) lasted eight months or shorter-- we've been together almost 2 year. Also, he's never lived with anyone except his ex-wife. If he wanted to cheat, he probably wouldn't have been pushing for me to move in so soon. He has a very flexible job, and I'm a student, and as a result, we spend basically every waking moment with each other. We're each other's best friend, which makes the relationship stronger (in my opinion). When he met me, he had a couple female friends (who, in fairness, he occasionally slept with) that were really pushing for a relationship with him. He's ended any contact with them, because of me.

[Flywest29]

I am just curious what could 20 year old women possibly have in common with men that are 20 and 40 years their senior?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

You finished high school at 16 and moved away to university at 16?

[annie24]

well, like CAD said, i think that the biggest red flag is that he says he has cheated on every other woman he has been with. i would ask him why that is. this sounds like a man who does not respect commitment or decides to deal with relationship conflicts by going outside of the relationship. either way it's not good. it makes it seem like he will do the same to you, in time.

 

i know that your question is about his first marriage, but it's in the past, you can't change that.

[Sunny1607307996]

I think part of the reason you are so uncomfortable with his relationship with his ex-wife is because they are still on good terms, he has a history of cheating, and if he cheated on you with his ex wife his family would probably approve.

 

And, if your relationship is as strong as you say it is, then this shouldn't be an issue. If you say he's changed and he's not a cheater, than you should trust him not to cheat. If you're fine with his history of cheating and his sleeping with over 100 women and his open relationship with his ex-wife....then you should be fine with the fact that he had a life before he met you and there's nothing you can do the change the past. Just accept his and move on, and know that he WAS with her but he's with YOU now. And honestly, his ex shouldn't be coming up in conversation all that often... if it comes of all the time then you know something's up.

 

And trust me, I know how irritating it is when people play the age card and decide that just because you're young you're not thinking clearly...but there is a reason everyone on here is telling you the same thing. I would at least think about what we have to say and take off the rose-colored glasses and really evaluate your relationship. Is it really healthy? Are you really happy? Do you really trust him?

[Fudgie]

I am just curious what could 20 year old women possibly have in common with men that are 20 and 40 years their senior?

 

Quite a lot, actually. It depends on the women, I suppose.

 

Most of my tastes are for older movies/music so my boyfriend seems to fit the bill just fine. I don't party, like to go shopping, or listen to modern-day music.

[Canadagirl930]

Yes, I moved away to University at 16-- it was only a year early, I just finished high school in 3 years.

 

As for what we have in common, besides our lives-- our interests, our tastes in music/film/tv, our preferred routines, our political views, etc.

 

He isn't on good terms with his ex-- he isn't on any terms with his ex. They haven't spoken in four years, and I most certainly am not worried about him cheating with her, of all people. I'm not worried about him cheating, period. His family would be quite unapproving of him cheating on me with her, no question. I talk to his mom about three times a week, and the conversation always ends with "I love you".

 

What concerns me about myself is that most of the time that his ex-wife comes up, it is in a very sort of non-emotional way. Such as "oh, the place right down the street from where you and Beth used to live", etc. And I find that sometimes even that bugs me, or at least makes me feel uncomfortable, and I don't know why. Whatever is causing that in me makes me the most worried. I've struggled with self-confidence issues (and a severe eating disorder) for quite a while now, and I'm sure that it is a confidence issue that makes me feel this way. Just can't quite figure out what to do about it.

[Fudgie]

Honestly, it sounds like your self confidence issues are what causing you to worry. He doesn't even talk to his ex and he's not emotional when he talks about her. This shows that he's moved on.