Why are my relationships always the same?

[ComeClarity]

I've never met my girlfriends or flings in the same places twice. I always meet them in different setting - but the girls I date always seem to be the exact same and i never get the relationship i really want. They always bail on dates - lie about what they're really doing and often either cheat on me or refuse to communicate with me what they're actually thinking and feeling.

 

How do I change this pattern of self-punishment?

[Ms Darcy]

Not enough information to make a definitive statement here. I would suggest looking closely at two areas. What are the personality and attributional similarities of these women? Then look at yourself. Are you focused on finding pretty girls and not necessarily ones who are compatible with you? Also, ask yourself if you simply are asking for communication or are a little judgement and demanding in the way you talk to others. Just some thoughts for you. Best of luck.

[Day_Walker]

I think that you need to assess what changes need to be made regarding what you view as potential dating and gf material

[oldenoughtoknow]

I've studied this a bit over the course of my life. Trying to meet women in a different setting is a good start. But Ms Darcy is right. You need to really look at yourself and think back on what attracted you to these women in the first place. Was it primarily because they "liked you back?" What were the initial common characteristics they all shared?

 

Then, what are you looking for in a partner? You should create a list of "must have's" and "can't stands" and stick by them. Do this when you're not in a relationship - your thoughts will be much clearer. Reflect back on what you really liked and what you really hated about your past partners. Having these in writing makes them harder to ignore, especially when you are in the initial infatuation/honeymoon stage, when your mind is quick to dismiss any glaring issues that almost inevitably arise.

 

What might you discover from this exercise? Example: You mentioned that the women you are meeting turn out to be really flaky. So, what did you discover in your reflection? What's on your lists? Are you initially attracted to someone who looks really fun? The life of the party type? This often goes with someone that has a problem with alcohol and even drug abuse. Or someone who puts fun first, before her job or other people's feelings. If so, maybe you should try to move this down a few pegs and move an offsetting "must have" characteristic up...like trustworthy.

 

Attraction is a very fickle thing, and our minds can latch onto an otherwise good characteristic that is overly exaggerated and then convince ourselves that it's still a good thing. Studying and learning from your past and looking at potential partners as objectively as possible, for as long as possible, is the best path to avoid this predicament.

[Chalie]

I've never met my girlfriends or flings in the same places twice. I always meet them in different setting - but the girls I date always seem to be the exact same and i never get the relationship i really want. They always bail on dates - lie about what they're really doing and often either cheat on me or refuse to communicate with me what they're actually thinking and feeling.

 

How do I change this pattern of self-punishment?

 

What kind of girls are you falling for? You only feel attracted to girls with good looks only? Or is the personality important too for you?

 

The personality is the most important for me so I never dated any guys that would treat me that way.

[90_hour_sleep]

 

Attraction is a very fickle thing, and our minds can latch onto an otherwise good characteristic that is overly exaggerated and then convince ourselves that it's still a good thing. Studying and learning from your past and looking at potential partners as objectively as possible, for as long as possible, is the best path to avoid this predicament.

 

love this part. seems to be true in the reverse as well...especially in long-term relationships. an exaggerated 'flaw' becomes toxic. so easy to get stuck in a particular belief pattern. it becomes all you see in the relationship.

[coolchick64]

Looking back on all my dating, it's like I've alternated between two guys--nice but boring funny guy and sexy bad boy with a big heart. My goal is to find someone who's a little of both, but not too extreme in either direction because so far, the extremes aren't working for me. I'd say this is all about who you're attracted to and why. Think about your relationship patterns from childhood, with your parents, and try to figure out why you're drawn to these women. Often, we're attracted to people with whom we can re-enact childhood conflicts. Maybe one of your parents didn't communicate much or pay attention to you, so you're attracted to women who do the same thing.

[ComeClarity]

What are the personality and attributional similarities of these women? Then look at yourself. Are you focused on finding pretty girls and not necessarily ones who are compatible with you? Also, ask yourself if you simply are asking for communication or are a little judgment and demanding in the way you talk to others.

 

I really wish 'attributional' was a word. Damn that sounds good.

 

Some of the girls I date are pretty. I mean, I think they're beautiful but I don't think they'll be modeling bras anytime soon. I don't think looks really can play a part in the quality of a relationship. I'm possibly compatible with 1/10 attractive girls as I would be 1/10 less attractive girls.

 

I know I've been condescending in the past. At the time I was dating a girl that as 5 years my junior - I later figure out that I felt like I had to watch over her, which of course didn't work out. But generally I'm usually very lenient with a girls wishes. I let them speak their opinions and have their share. If they want me to take the wheel then I do but I'm not going to "make" them enjoy our relationship lol

 

 

Was it primarily because they "liked you back?" What were the initial common characteristics they all shared?

 

Then, what are you looking for in a partner? You should create a list of "must have's" and "can't stands" and stick by them. Do this when you're not in a relationship - your thoughts will be much clearer. Reflect back on what you really liked and what you really hated about your past partners. Having these in writing makes them harder to ignore, especially when you are in the initial infatuation/honeymoon stage, when your mind is quick to dismiss any glaring issues that almost inevitably arise.

 

I am REALLY confused by this list. Let's say I have a list. Okay - must be okay with physical activity (play tennis in the summer, or go biking) must like concerts, must want kids in the future ...just some random thoughts....must NOT do currently do drugs or drink excessively into the middle of the night... must NOT cancel a date and first time to see each other again planned for 5 days on the morning of without at last a half-decent reason. (this happened this morning lol)

 

one. If I came up with the ultimate list and swore by it - I am now asking the universe for the perfect person. How much give and take should there be? This girl was pretty much all of those - actually was pretty happy she didn't smoke too many girls my age do.

 

What if they are 90% of the list? of 99% ...seems close. What if they're only.....70% but somehow knew in 2 years they'd be at 100%? people grow right?

 

I'm just not sure how to apply this idea to my search while being realistic.

[Ms Darcy]

I really wish 'attributional' was a word. Damn that sounds good.

 

I know I've been condescending in the past. At the time I was dating a girl that as 5 years my junior - I later figure out that I felt like I had to watch over her, which of course didn't work out. But generally I'm usually very lenient with a girls wishes. I let them speak their opinions and have their share. If they want me to take the wheel then I do but I'm not going to "make" them enjoy our relationship lol

 

You might think about exploring this. Some of your language might seem a little bit like you are treating some of the women as a step lower, which is how I would feel if someone watched over me, like when you say you are lenient and you let them speak. Lenient provides giving permission. They are always allowed their wishes; it's whether or not you do anything which is up to you.

 

I'm just throwing some thoughts out there. A couple of guy friends that I know who say that their women don't communicate with them happen to be argumentative jerks, kind of critical and mean sometimes. Of course, it's not about them though ... it's about the girl who shuts down and stops talking. So anyways, just thoughts for you to consider.

[oldenoughtoknow]

It sounds like you're off to a good start. And yes, you should make a list of what you think of as a "perfect" partner, knowing full well that such a person only exists in fairy tales. The important thing is to reflect on it and write it down. Then, try to prioritize it. When you can look at it objectively (when you're not in a relationship), you will probably find that some very un-sexy things rise to the very top of the list. And yes, this is a very, very good thing.

 

Trustworthiness (yes, it's a word). Doesn't really jump into your radar when you're winking back at a gorgeous woman with long legs and a short skirt, now does it? But just by doing the exercise, it will start - you will have a solid reference point - a more knowledgeable little voice in the back of your head.

 

Of course there's no "perfect" person for you out there. But by having your prioritized list, you will be enabled to make much more informed choices. Right away, you'll notice you are turning away from women you would have been interested in before, and turning towards some women you never would have looked at twice. You will never understand how powerful something this simple can be...until you try it.

 

To get you started, below is a list (copied from a dating website):

 

Must Haves.

 

Chemistry...I must feel deeply in love with and attracted to my partner.

Sense of Humor...I must have someone who is sharp and can enjoy the humorous side of life.

Emotionally Healthy...I must have a partner who is emotionally healthy, and able to share a stable life with someone else.

Energy Level...I must have someone whose energy level matches my own.

Intellect...I must have a partner who is bright and can share my understanding of the world as well as enjoy discussing important issues.

Adaptability...I must have a partner who is able to adapt to life's surprises.

Kindness...I must have a partner who is gentle and kind.

Organized...I must have a partner who values structure in their life.

Tolerant...I must have a partner who is able to hear and appreciate divergent viewpoints.

Attractiveness...I must have a partner who is considered "very attractive" by most current standards.

Communicator...I must have someone who is good at talking and listening.

Parenting Style...I must have someone who shares my views about how to raise children.

Family Life...I must have a partner who is committed to marriage, home, and family.

Stepchildren...I must have someone who will accept my children as their own.

Education...I must have someone whose educational achievements match my own.

Verbal Intimacy...I must know that my partner is sharing their deepest emotional thoughts and desires.

Affectionate...I must have someone who is comfortable giving and receiving affection.

Passionate...I must have someone who is willing to explore our sexual desires with passion and understanding.

Style and Appearance...I must have someone who cares about the way they look and dress and has a sense of personal style.

Shared Interests...I must have someone who is willing to share some of my interests and passions.

Loyal...I must have someone I can count on to always support me.

Patience...I must have someone who can handle life's frustrations or momentary setbacks with a patient, steady, demeanor.

Sociability...I must have a partner who loves to socialize near the same level as I do, including staying in together and having quiet evenings alone or with close friends, and occasionally going out to paint the town.

Artistry...I must have a partner who has a shares my interest in music, literature, drama, art, and personal creativity.

Conflict Resolver...I must have a partner who will work to resolve rather than win arguments or conflicts within our relationship.

Strong Character...I must have a partner who is honest and strong enough to do the right thing.

Able to Accept Help...I must have a partner who is willing to accept outside help for personal or relationship issues that are serious and important.

Curiosity...I must have a partner who is hungry for new information and knowledge and who sees themselves as a life long learner.

Industriousness...I must have someone who is willing to work hard at whatever they do.

Unassuming...I must have someone who is able to accept criticism, and even admit to being wrong sometimes.

Spirituality...I must have someone with a similar concept of spirituality, who is neither overly religious or a self-proclaimed atheist.

Financially Responsible...My partner must be financially responsible.

Relaxed...I must have a partner who is able to forget about money and focus on the important parts of life.

 

Can’t Stand

 

Lying...I can't stand someone who lies to anyone-especially to me.

Cheating...I can't stand someone who takes advantage of people.

Dependence...I can't stand someone who bases their happiness on me.

Lazy...I can't stand someone who likes to spend excessive time sleeping, resting or being a "couch potato."

Victim Mentality...While everyone has times of self-pity, I can't stand someone who continually sees himself/herself as a victim.

Mean Spirited...I can't stand someone who has a devious nature and is mean to others.

Depressed...I can't stand someone who is constantly unhappy about their life.

Uninterested...I can't stand someone who does not enjoy having sex on a regular basis.

Infidelity...I can't stand someone who engages in sex outside a committed relationship.

Sloppy...I can't stand someone who is unkempt.

Vanity...I can't stand someone who is overly interested in their physical appearance.

Anger...I can't stand someone who can't manage their anger, who yells, or bottles it up inside.

Rude...I can't stand someone who is belittling, impatient or hateful to people in any situation.

Unhappy at Work...I can't stand someone who hates their job and complains about it all the time.

Denial...I can't stand someone who is unable to accept blame or see fault in their own actions.

Workaholic...I can't stand someone who treats everything in life as secondary to their job.

Worrier...I can't stand someone who easily loses perspective and constantly worries.

Intolerance...While I understand that religious conviction is a positive trait, I can't stand someone who is self-righteous and feels that their particular faith is the only one that matters.

Grudges...I can't stand someone who has a chip on their shoulder.

Fiscally Irresponsible...I can't stand someone who is incapable of managing their money.

Hypochondriac...I can't stand someone who has a general disposition of sickness and is constantly treating the symptoms of their supposed illness.

Excessive Overweight...I can't stand someone who is overweight.

Gambling...I can't stand someone who is a compulsive gambler.

Intruding Family/Friends...I can't stand someone whose relatives and friends are constantly calling or visiting.

Self-Centered...I can't stand someone whose main topic of conversation is himself/herself.

Materialistic...I can't stand someone who sees material items as a measure of success.

Childishness...I can't stand someone who is not emotionally mature.

Petty...I can't stand someone who focuses on imperfection.

Flirts...I can't stand someone who constantly flirts with the opposite sex.

Television Junkie...I can't stand someone who constantly watches television.

Poor Hygiene...I can't stand someone who is not clean.

Judgmental...I can't stand someone who finds fault with everyone and everything.

Addictions...I can't stand someone who currently suffers from addictions.

Undependable...I can't stand someone who fails to come through and is unreliable.

Extremely Shy...I can't stand someone who is so shy that they cannot open up and share with me.

Political Correctness...I can't stand someone who censors their thoughts and opinions with a politically correct agenda.

Recklessness...I can't stand someone who has a careless and irresponsible manner when with others.

Punctuality...I can't stand someone who is always excessively late.

Hypocrites...I can't stand someone who holds a double standard for their actions and those of other people.

Cheap...I can't stand someone who is so tightfisted as to be impractical.

Arrogant...I can't stand someone who is obnoxiously cocky.

Pessimism...I can't stand someone who always sees the glass as half empty.