many, many regrets...if only we could turn back time...

[jazzbarrett]

ok, so i've been working a lot and i am sure the lack of sleep is what has caused me to think such unhealthy things...but i keep thinking that, since i was the one that put the nail on the coffin that was the relationship (even though he broke up with me - we were still "dating"), i feel like we could've had a chance. i was just, at that time, so mad to be in limbo. that i wasn't good enough to be his gf/fiance, that i was demoted to just a girl he was dating (even though we weren't allowed to date others). i lied to my ex. i told him that i had been seeing someone while dating him and he was so upset with me. he gave me the speech that "he wasn't truly done" and that it was i that ruined/broke us. i am sure this is all some form of control and that it wasn't my fault because he kept telling me he WAS done and that he wasn't in love with me anymore. ugh, just having a really rough night. was hoping i could get some support from you guys....like reminding me how i made the right decision by casting him aside instead of letting him give me the run around for who knows how long.

 

any kind/supportive words would be greatly appreciated.

[ElectricSheep123]

If you were tired of limbo why didn't you ask him for another real go at being his gf? What exactly were you trying to accomplish?

 

How long ago did this happen? Have you spoken to him since? (sorry for the questions. I don't know your story). And did you finally tell him that you lied and that you weren't seeing anyone? Finally, if you want him back and think that you can make it work, then go NC for a while, then reinitiate contact with him when you're both calm and the emotions aren't so raw.

 

Really hope you feel better. It's going to be hard, but you're gonna make it through. I wish you all the best.

 

xx

[Speranza]

I'm sorry you are hurting. I think you need to recognise that YOU were also being very controlling and manipulative - ok it was probably out of desperation but it's not a helpful or even rational way to go about dealing with relationship problems. I'm sure you know this and have already learned from it.

 

Remind yourself of all the things that were WRONG. When those memories of closeness and happiness come back, pivture his face as he told you it was over. Dwell on the negatives.

 

I'm sorry but you KNOW it will pass, eventually. Hugs.

[jazzbarrett]

thanks guys. it's just been a weird week. everything, and i mean, EVERYTHING in my professional life has been going fantastic and it's just been really difficult to not have anyone to share it with. the ex and i were on this plan and i guess i am still on the plan, only i am on it on my own. i've got everyone in my life (save my best friend) believing i am ok now. i guess there are times during the day when i am, but i know i am not. i feel like i am a walking lie and i am doing everything i can to convince myself that i am ok, but everything i am doing are just distractions. i hate going home to an empty house. granted it is now a spotless house, it is empty nonetheless. i haven't eaten dinner on my dining table in 3 months. i tried it once, but i was eating alone, and i physically couldn't do it. i wake up every morning and just yell "how could you???" hoping he can hear me. all of the things he complained about were unwarranted and i feel like if he knew the life i had now, if we never broke up, things would have been all the more perfect. but then the smarter, logos side, of me argues that i now know what kind of person he is and who he really is and that i completely dodged a bullet. i am truly torn inside and i just want to be ok, but this week...i am not.

[AutumnBorn]

Jazz, dear, what are you doing dating a 12 year old? Don't you want a man instead of a boy? He was done with you, but he wasn't? Men communicate better than that and are in touch with what they want and how they feel. You've been dating a child. Yes, you lied and said you had seen someone else, but that was nothing compared to the mind game he was playing. Forgive yourself and let him go and don't second guess yourself again. You deserve better. All women do. You are right to feel you dodged a bullet. Lucky girl!

[jazzbarrett]

thank you, autumn born. i am feeling much better today, i think the exhaustion has led me down the wrong path mentally the past few days. and he was a child. you are SOOOO right. thank you guy for all of your support.