Confessions of a dumper

[rapunzel]

This isn't to give anyone false hope but just to assure you that your dumper most likely does not forget you and most likely has mixed feelings about ending the relationship.

 

I ended a 4.5 year relationship 3 years ago. My boyfriend (ex-ex) wanted to marry me, and I did live with him for the last year of the relationship. He had great qualities in many ways but he had a temper and some other personality issues that led me to leave the relationship. I was very unhappy and found myself being attracted to other people - namely, the man (ex) who brought me to ENA.

 

My ex-ex and I had many mutual friends and we have been able to forge a "friendship". I've only had the one relationship with "ex" since the break up 3 years ago but my ex-ex has had at least three. None of them have worked out and he now has a new interest that I think might be a keeper. We even went on an outdoor expedition last weekend with mutual friends and he brought this new woman, who he just met....and I have to admit, it was uncomfortable at first as I had never really socialized with any of his prior girlfriends since our break up.

 

I have found myself getting really sentimental over the time I spent with him. And yes, in typical dumper fashion, now that he has a new love interest I have found myself doubting my decision to leave, wondering if I should try to "get him back" before he gets serious with this woman, worrying that he will make the changes with her that he did NOT make with me to make the relationship work, romanticizing him in ways I haven't in the past. When he told me he was bringing a date on our trip last weekend, I got a bit whiny (truth be told, we had snuggled one night about a month prior but nothing happened other than that) and he reminded me that we broke up 3 years ago. He basically told me to "suck it up".

 

I even had a date last night with a new guy who could be a prospect. And yes, the ex and I are still in a band together and that is fraught with continued ridiculousness on my part (in the form of still sometimes overanalyzing his friendly gestures as meaning "more"), yet the guy I left, the one I was happy to be away from, is now....3 years later....making me feel wistful and sad.

 

I wish it could have worked out. I guess I know in my heart I did the right thing, for both myself and for him, but he never came to me to show me the changes he had made nor to say he wanted to try to work things out. He basically told me he was the way he was and he hoped to find someone to accept him the way he was. In reality, I could not accept this and in my fantasy, he is the way I *want* him to be. In the real world, people do not change all that much - especially when they are in their late 40's.

 

I know he cares about me, and I care about him. But we just can't be together, it's been 3 years and he is now embarking on a new relationship and I might even end up being friends with this woman, since we've already socialized together. It feels strange and unsettling, and I do admit to a bit of jealousy.....but I am aware of it, and I can temper that.

 

And I do still fantasize about the guy (ex) I fell madly in love with after I left my ex-ex so it would not be fair to get back with him anyway.

 

In summary, it's not easy being a dumper...nor a dumpee. I have been both in the last 3 years. I will always love my ex-ex but I have to let him go and let go of that fantasy because I had valid reasons for leaving the relationship. All our mutual friends supported me and felt I did the right thing. But there is hope, no one know what is around the corner and I have faith that I have made the right decisions for me at the time. Life goes on and I am going with the flow and trusting that good things are in store for me.

[Batya33]

In my case, he did change during the time we were apart (the better part of a decade, during most of our 30s), and I changed too in maturity, mindset, expectations. When we got back together, the way we were together was the same in certain ways but very different - in a positive way! - in other ways. I almost lost him too and needed that wake up call - but that was just a blip on the radar - after the wake up call it was all about us coming together again, being as focused on the future as possible (we didn't dwell on the past or talk about our past issues because it was obvious how we had changed individually and as a couple).

 

I'm not saying you should try to be with him again, especially since he is with someone else now (but keep an eye on it, lol), but I disagree that adults can't change - and I think there can be dramatic changes in what you are looking for in a long term relationship when you're in your 30s/40s as opposed to 20s. It's fun -and a little scary - to look at the kind of guys I swooned over in my 20s - I have a feeling you'd feel the same about your past exes and crushes too!

[SadAndy]

Thanks Rapunzel for a very insighful posT.

 

My ex behaved attrociously, having 2 long term affairs, before dumping me for another guy after 14yrs together.

 

She was so scared of ending the relationship initially, not anymore as she is seriously in love with 'new bloke' and has made a point of saying that I will always mean 'alot' to her, just 'not that way'.

 

I have told her that because of the way she behaved, she can now take it that I hate her. This, she cannot handle. For some reason she cant handle being 'hated' by me even though because of her behaviour it was to be expected.

I have made it clear that I have no interest in being 'friends' due to the manner in which she behaved.

 

As a dumper, why do you thinks she so intent on keeping my friendship?

It is not because of our daughter as I have made it clear that I would always be civil around our daughter.

Could it be just another selfish ploy, wrapping it all up with no hard feelings so she can feel better? Could it be down to guilt? Any other ideas?

 

Obviously I still have feelings for her and am finding it hard to say exactly what needs saying and I am left feeling guilty for 'hating' her!

[vonsalome]

Hi SadAndy,

 

I had a similar situation with my ex. I thought we were going to get married and move to England together; meanwhile, he was off cheating and developing a relationship with a new woman he met in Scotland. When he returned to the States to see me, he was distant, wouldn't touch me or give me an explanation and wanted a break up. When I sniffed out the cheating, he wouldn't give up the new relationship and moved out his things and left for England.

 

And yet, he still wanted to be friends even though, as I told him, because of his behavior I basically hate him now.

 

I thought to myself, "If this is how you're behaving - cheating, lying, dumping, and going off to be with someone else - which shows you have absolutely no care about my feelings or emotional wellbeing whatsoever, why do you even CARE about my friendship?"

 

Hard as it is to say, I think he wanted friendship not because he cared about me or my feelings - if he had cared he would have acted differently - but to alleviate any guilt he had, to get my forgiveness and "approval," to have a continuity in his life - I have many great qualities and I did take very good care of him when he was unemployed and etc. - and perhaps to have me around as an emotional comfort blanket if life got him down again or things with the new woman weren't going as great etc. But I will not be that person for someone who has cheated, no matter how much I care.

 

It's really hard. I cut him out of my life, and two months roughly of no contact, and I still miss him like hell. It still hurts every day, and I keep picturing him with the new woman. What to say in these situations? It's a lose-lose situation for us. Don't talk to her/him and miss them like crazy and long for them and feel guilty for cutting them off vs. talk to them but have no respect for them and hate them for the lies and manipulations and leaving you for someone else and have to witness their new life.

 

ultimately, you have to take care of yourself now and not worry about your ex's feelings. Where was her guilt when she was cheating? She's putting herself first, and you should put you first too - healing you should be your #1 priority.

 

Take care.

[RobD70]

I have told her that because of the way she behaved, she can now take it that I hate her. This, she cannot handle. For some reason she cant handle being 'hated' by me even though because of her behaviour it was to be expected.

I have made it clear that I have no interest in being 'friends' due to the manner in which she behaved.

This caught my eye.

 

I’ve said this on here before that having an ex think you hate them can be a good thing. I was like this with my wife right before we reconciled the last time. While they try to justify their actions as to why the left or cheated they know in the back of their head that what they did was wrong and they should suffer the consequences of it (guilt). When you forgive too easy then they lose respect for you.

 

When you get angry and basically let them know you either hate them or just don’t want anything else to do with them it shows backbone and not only makes you more attractive, but compels them to want to make right what they did wrong. This made me a big fan of the “tough love” approach where you don’t put up with any nonsense from them.

[rapunzel]

Your story is inspiring.

 

Hmmm...my ex-ex's "issues" are really deep seated. He has a really nutty mother and a somewhat unstable family life growing up (nutty sister who threw plates at him, etc) I would love to think he could change but he has to *want* to change and I haven't seen a real desire on his part yet to make that happen. Our mutual friend, a woman, said to me: "Well, we'll see how long this one lasts". I just have a feeling, not sure why, that this one may be a keeper for him.

 

Yeah, I have to let him be and let him try out this new relationship. I have gone on a couple of dates with a new guy too, so it's not like I'm sitting home wilting on the vine. But of course, there are things about the new guy that aren't ideal (has a young son who lives in another state and he has a home in that state to be near the son, just got out of a tumultuous relationship, physical attraction is so-so but could grow, etc).

[SadAndy]

it sounds like you are the female equivalent of me!

 

A decent person, very kind and caring and repaid for these qualities by being totally 'stiffed' by the one we loved!

 

You have totally confirmed my own beliefs that her main goal is merely to help herself feel better about her guilt. Like you say she had long enough whilst having the affairs to think about 'how I mean alot to her'.

I think she is still very selfish, and ultimately just wants it all wrapped up nicely with no hard feelings! Also, like you say, its a fallback option if it all goes wrong.

I am actually going to play along with her and do my own bit of 'physcology' on her. If she thinks that i'm hanging on a thread for her then she is more likely to behave in an arrogant manner with new bloke and threaten their relationship which inturn has the potential, ultimately, to help it crash.

 

She even blamed 'supernatural forces' yesterday for her behaviour! Typical her, she is banged to rights but will always blame someone else. In this case, although SHE started the second long term affair and dictated when and where she met him, she has accused HIM of taking advantage of her!

Now, as there is no-one else to blame, its the turn of supernatural forces to take the blame.

 

Whilst I know exactly how you are feeling right now, we must believe that we are better off without them in our lives even at the expense of being single.

I am now at the point of accepting that my ex's behaviour is worse than that of vermin. She knew exactly what she was doing all along and had no thoughts whatsoever about my feelings.

 

What we must do, is see our ex's for what they really are and I don't know about you but what gets up my nose is the fact that she is happy and is the least deserving person but thats life I suppose.

 

Take care. WE deserve better. YOU know that!

[rapunzel]

Yeah, I could see how this would be a good idea in certain circumstances. In my situation, I had to work with "ex" after he dumped me so I had to walk that fine line of acting like nothing happened versus indifference. There were other people involved in our group who did not know about our "relationship" and I had to be cool, calm, confident, nonchalant. It was really, really hard but somehow I got through it. I know that "ex" felt terribly guilty as he told me, but I'm not sure guilt is a good reason for an ex to come back or if guilt will propel someone to come back.

 

Guilt might make someone think before they act in their next relationship.

[rapunzel]

Well, the "ex-ex" made sure to mention his new woman in our brief phone call last night. He called me because I sent some of his belongings home from the trip last weekend with another friend (who is a bit of a flake but had been crashing at his house) and she never took them out of the back of her car and he was wondering where they were. He sounded really chipper and when he talked about going back to fetch his stuff (before we knew this woman had them in the back of her car), he made sure to say "and I'll drag (new woman) along with me".

 

I dunno. He asked me what I was doing this weekend. I had a date last night but I didn't feel it was appropriate to tell him and I did not. I did dump him so I guess it is his right to rub his new gal in my face a little bit.

 

Speaking of my date. Sigh. Nice guy. I've had now I think 2 - 3 somewhat casual, last minute type dates with him, and a couple hang outs with other people. He's fun but I don't feel the attraction. He was hoping for some kissing last night but all I could muster was a quick good night kiss. I don't know what to do. It's been over 1.5 years and I have not found anyone else that I'm attracted to since the ex. I came home from the date and thought about the ex and how incredibly attracted I was to him and wondered if that was "it" for me, or if I will ever feel that in my life again. Sigh.

[Batya33]

I don't think you should assume he was trying to rub it in your face. My guess is that he wants to make sure his girlfriend is comfortable and secure and so he will mention her and include her when he talks to someone he dated in the past.

[rapunzel]

I don't think they are at the girlfriend/boyfriend stage yet but maybe since last weekend they are. She told a friend at the event last weekend that they had just met at the gym and went out a couple times.

[Batya33]

I don't think they are at the girlfriend/boyfriend stage yet but maybe since last weekend they are. She told a friend at the event last weekend that they had just met at the gym and went out a couple times.

 

That could be but even if they went on one date, if he sees potential the last thing he wants to do is have her know or somehow find out he is chatting with someone he used to date until they know each other better and she knows where he stands with these other people.

 

Years ago I went on a double date with an ex (who I had ended things with) and his new girlfriend (they are now married for over 10 years). She said to me in the ladies' room "oh, he dated so many women I wasn't sure which one you were" - obnoxious? Yes, kind of, but a reminder that I should know my place in the ex's life once there is someone new in the picture - better to think of myself as one of a harem than elevate my role in his life so that when he mentions her I think "oh he must be trying to rub this in my face because I rejected him in the past I don't mean that to come accross as harsh, really I don't, because I've certainly felt as you did, I just found it worked better to assume that "the ex" has moved on and sees me as a blip on the radar compared to the new woman in his life.

[resilient7]

hey rapunzel..truly wish it all works out for you.i am not going to say this outta of experience cause i have none but you will find that someone your that ''attracted'' to..i say this to you cause you just sound like one of the good ones