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I shouldn't feel guilty.. but I do.


-Sanguine-

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I just told my boyfriend some of his comments on facebook on his girl-friends pictures had bothered me a bit. I was really nice about it, just told him it made me a bit uncomfortable. He told me not to worry. The conversation went well, I feel better, etc.

 

But I feel guilty. I don't know why. I don't like telling people things that bother me like that. I know he didn't mean anything by it and I trust him, so I feel bad for telling him I didn't like it. I don't want to make him feel bad. I am so messed up.

 

 

what's up with me and my guilt??

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No need to feel guilty for your feelings.

 

If you are uncomfortable with something, he should know about it.

 

A relationship should be based on good communication. I think you did the right thing on letting him know what made you uncomfortable.

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No need to feel guilty for your feelings.

 

If you are uncomfortable with something, he should know about it.

 

A relationship should be based on good communication. I think you did the right thing on letting him know what made you uncomfortable.

 

I do too, I mean I feel better in that sense because now he knows how I feel.

But somehow I feel like telling him that will make him annoyed with me or something. :S I don't even know why.

 

If he told me something like that I would feel guilty that I made him feel uncomforable about something. So maybe I am thinking he is reacting the same way I would when he probably isn't.

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what's up with me and my guilt??

 

Only you can answer that question, m'dear.

 

It's ok. Really. You were rational and casual about it. There's absolutely nothing wrong with telling someone how you feel, especially in a courteous way. I think it's way cool that you're that cognizant of his feelings, but stop beating yourself up. You did nothing wrong.

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My ex girlfriend would get upset about my girl-friends. Didn't matter if they were cute or not. She handled it the wrong way totally though. She would get upset if she saw a girl write on my wall and call me out on it. I ended up just deleting all my girl-friends and erasing their numbers from my phone because she wanted me to.

 

I WISH my ex approached the situation as you had. If she was nice about it and told me that it bothered her (but that she trusted me), then I wouldn't have been upset. She has major trust issues though.

 

My advice to you is trust your man unless he gives you reasons not to. You approached the situation very well and you should not feel guilty. Props to tell him how you feel because communication is #1 to a healthy relationship. Believe me, he will be able to tell if you trust him or not.

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Only you can answer that question, m'dear.

 

It's ok. Really. You were rational and casual about it. There's absolutely nothing wrong with telling someone how you feel, especially in a courteous way. I think it's way cool that you're that cognizant of his feelings, but stop beating yourself up. You did nothing wrong.

 

Maybe it's genetic. I think my dad had chronic guilt as well. It's not just this I feel guilty about.

 

I realize I didn't technically do anything wrong. But I feel like there's a guilt inside me that thinks he might want to leave me if I tell him he's doing something wrong. Even I know that's ridiculous. He's never done anything to make me think that.

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Stop worrying about whether or not he will be annoyed at you for feeling a certain way.

 

If there is something that is bothering me, my bf would be the first to know. I never feel guilty for letting him know how I feel.

 

We're only human, we all make mistakes. If you don't let him know that something is bothering you, he may never know.

 

Now that you let him know, in his mind he's probably thinking - ok, this bothers her, I won't do it again.

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Interesting thought, D. A guilt gene.

 

Maybe you should talk to somebody? I make that recommendation a lot. But if it's something you can't figure out on your own and that may potentially plague your future relationships, perhaps a professional opinion would be a start to help alleviate some of that guilt.

 

That feeling sucks, by the way. I always get knots in my esophagus and bowling balls in my throat when I feel guilty. Scotch always helps me. Haha.

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Well, thanks for that. I feel for you.. that would suck a lot. I trust him and I know he doesn't mean anything by the comments, but I thought he should still know. If I held it in, that wouldn't go over well. Guess I would just like him to be able to do the same for me.. if I ever made him uncomfortable in any way I'd want him to tell me.

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Interesting thought, D. A guilt gene.

 

Maybe you should talk to somebody? I make that recommendation a lot. But if it's something you can't figure out on your own and that may potentially plague your future relationships, perhaps a professional opinion would be a start to help alleviate some of that guilt.

 

That feeling sucks, by the way. I always get knots in my esophagus and bowling balls in my throat when I feel guilty. Scotch always helps me. Haha.

 

Haha. Maybe I'll try the scotch.

 

Yeah, maybe. I would actually love to see a counsellor or something. Even when I didn't feel I had issues to work through I was always interested in that sort of thing.. you know, figuring yourself out.

 

And I dunno, my dad got my mom pregnant when she was very young. My sister told me he felt guilty the rest of his life because of it (he felt he took away her future).. his guilt led him to drink and that eventually led to his death. I realize that's a lot different than my situation but it just shows how far guilt can take someone. My sister is also the same way as me.

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Stop worrying about whether or not he will be annoyed at you for feeling a certain way.

 

If there is something that is bothering me, my bf would be the first to know. I never feel guilty for letting him know how I feel.

 

We're only human, we all make mistakes. If you don't let him know that something is bothering you, he may never know.

 

Now that you let him know, in his mind he's probably thinking - ok, this bothers her, I won't do it again.

 

I'm sure he is thinking just that.

 

I know I'm being ridiculous. I shouldn't feel guilty at all.

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You were taught to feel guilty for initiating conflict by your childhood family. All relationships have conflict and you will be far happier being true to yourself. Being honest is a sign of respect to the other person and it's really up to them if they want to feel uncomfortable or not.

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You were taught to feel guilty for initiating conflict by your childhood family. All relationships have conflict and you will be far happier being true to yourself. Being honest is a sign of respect to the other person and it's really up to them if they want to feel uncomfortable or not.

 

Thanks, that makes sense. I always wonder where exactly in one's childhood things like that occur and what makes them stick.

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Thanks, that makes sense. I always wonder where exactly in one's childhood things like that occur and what makes them stick.

 

I am no expert on family dynamics although I did come from a very dynamic family. Only one person in my family was "allowed" to initiate conflict and it wasn't me.

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I am no expert on family dynamics although I did come from a very dynamic family. Only one person in my family was "allowed" to initiate conflict and it wasn't me.

 

Hmm, I understand.

 

I guess I just don't recall that happening in my family. I mean, my childhood was a bit confusing but mostly it was good and I never felt like I wasn't allowed to speak. The only unusual thing about my childhood was that my dad was an alcoholic and we moved away a few times because of it. But he was never abusive or mean or anything, not to me or anyone in my family. I did, however grow up as the youngest of 4 children (9 years after my brother and 16 years after my oldest sister), so a lot of the time I felt silly for speaking up. I grew up very shy.

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What was he writing that made you upset? Was it inappropriate in some way? Because if it wasn't, and was the sort of thing he might of written on a male friends wall, then I think you should not have said anything about it. Even though he took it well you have now implied that you don't trust him even with females who are just friends.

 

You cannot help your feelings but, contrary to what other people have suggested, I believe there are times when those feelings are better left unexpressed.

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What was he writing that made you upset? Was it inappropriate in some way? Because if it wasn't, and was the sort of thing he might of written on a male friends wall, then I think you should not have said anything about it. Even though he took it well you have now implied that you don't trust him even with females who are just friends.

 

You cannot help your feelings but, contrary to what other people have suggested, I believe there are times when those feelings are better left unexpressed.

 

He wrote "yum" on a girl-friends picture. This was the second time a comment like that bothered me, but the first time I said anything. It was a picture of her and it wasn't * * * * ty or anything but it wasn't conservative either. I guess you'd have to see it to understand why it bothered me.

 

I didn't want to imply that I don't trust him. I reassured him that I do - because I do. But even if I do trust him, that doesn't mean I want to see comments on pictures that he finds attractive. Someone actually made a comment to me about it, wondering if I was upset. I know he didn't mean anything, but I'd rather not have to see them. I guess I just wanted common courtesy because I don't post that I find men attractive on their pictures even if I think it. It's more about respect for me, not trust.

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What was he writing that made you upset? Was it inappropriate in some way? Because if it wasn't, and was the sort of thing he might of written on a male friends wall, then I think you should not have said anything about it. Even though he took it well you have now implied that you don't trust him even with females who are just friends.

 

You cannot help your feelings but, contrary to what other people have suggested, I believe there are times when those feelings are better left unexpressed.

 

I am happy that you came here and told me your honest opinion. I appreciate it.

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Well, I understand your feelings about "yum" because, even if meant innocently, that would make most people upset to some extent. I doubt he would post that on a male friends' wall.

 

I think the rule of thumb is don't post anything or do anything with a friend of the opposite sex that you would not with a friend of the same sex - because that causes a different dynamic and can affect relationships.

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Well, I understand your feelings about "yum" because, even if meant innocently, that would make most people upset to some extent. I doubt he would post that on a male friends' wall.

 

Nope...

well, haha he's quite a joker. He might for fun. But that's beside the point.

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I think saying yum to a friend is kind of weird so I think it's a good thing you mentioned it to him. It sounds like you handled it very calmly and maturely. I think you did the right thing and you shouldn't feel bad about it. Now if you were screaming at him or forcing him to get rid of his friends, then I would think differently.

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I think saying yum to a friend is kind of weird so I think it's a good thing you mentioned it to him. It sounds like you handled it very calmly and maturely. I think you did the right thing and you shouldn't feel bad about it. Now if you were screaming at him or forcing him to get rid of his friends, then I would think differently.

 

.... forcing him to get rid of his friends.... hmmmm, my ex?

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