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[metrogirl]

Go read Gavin de Becker's "The Gift of Fear".

 

He's not deranged, he's just really rude.

 

 

Not holding a door open for some is RUDE.

 

Threatening to cut your throat and expect you to just deal with it is

 

DERANGED...

 

Huge huge difference.

[Hermes]

but if you guys don't know of anything else I could do that would not involve parents - please reserve those posts.

 

We, the posters, HAVE made suggestions. Problem is (well me at least) is that I am perplexed how a 22 year old woman could be so terriied of her parents - more terrified of them than of a deranged, yes, deranged, stalker. He is threatening to "talk" to your parents. Threats do not come under the heading of "rude".

 

 

And I agree with this poster.

 

And do you know how many women have said "I know he won't do anything" are sitting in graveyards right now? Do you want to be one of them?

 

Are you in some kind of cultish circumstances, or in some country where such strange behaviour is deemed to be "normal."

 

H

[metrogirl]

I'm thinking they already know that he's twisted, have told you not to see him yet you continued to do so and this is why you are doing what you can to make sure they don't find out.

[hers]

well, you said it yourself...you'd rather him kill you than have your parents find out and GROUND YOU.

 

i suggest therapy. there's an option for you. you very much need to get yourself help for your skewed logic and codependency on a guy who wants to kill you.

 

good luck.

[thathoopla]

We, the posters, HAVE made suggestions. Problem is (well me at least) is that I am perplexed how a 22 year old woman could be so terriied of her parents - more terrified of them than of a deranged, yes, deranged, stalker. He is threatening to "talk" to your parents. Threats do not come under the heading of "rude".

 

 

Yes I understand that. But under my circumstances, the #1 thing I cannot do is have my parents involved in any way. Suggestions that say to involve my parents somehow will not work in my situation.

 

I'm thinking they already know that he's twisted, have told you not to see him yet you continued to do so and this is why you are doing what you can to make sure they don't find out.

 

How would they already know he's twisted if I'm trying to pretend he does not exist to them?

 

well, you said it yourself...you'd rather him kill you than have your parents find out and GROUND YOU.

I'm basically already grounded? Being kicked out is what I fear.

 

I'm looking for help here on a website that tells people they're not alone, not to be bombarded by character accusations, I am looking for support for my situation.

[Hermes]

Yes, Hersmudders.

I was about to say this.

I suggest therapy. there's an option for you. you very much need to get yourself help for your skewed logic and codependency on a guy who wants to kill you.

 

And you are probably on to something there, MetroGirl.

 

And then, of course, there are those who just love drama-rama games....

 

H

[hers]

you want the advice you WANT to hear...you want us to say "there, there, thathoopla. it'll all be ok."

 

but we CANT guarantee that. this is not a thread wondering if the guy you went on a date wtih will call you for another date. thi is a guy WHO WANTS TO KILL YOU. whether you think he will or not, he has already threatened it. so yes, whether you like it or not, we're going to tel you to get the police involved and yes, your parents will need to know so they can protect you. THAT is your option.

 

or getting your face kicked in.

 

you choose.

[metrogirl]

How would they already know he's twisted if I'm trying to pretend he does not exist to them?

 

 

Because for the life of me I have tried and tried to come up with valid reasons why you don't want your parents involved and the only thing that I can come up with is, he was your boyfriend and they didn't like him and told you not to see him and you did anyway and that is why you don't want them to know what is going on because that means you betrayed them.

 

Now if that isn't the case then it would really help us to help you if you could be honest with us as to why your parents shouldn't know that their daughter may end up murdered.

 

Youre' worried about getting kicked out, I'm worried about you ending up with a tag on your toe in a body bag.

[Hermes]

Now if that isn't the case then it would really help us to help you if you could be honest with us as to why your parents shouldn't know that their daughter may end up murdered.

 

Exactly MetroG.

 

H

[I_Speak_Jive]

Thathoopla, I am somewhat sympathetic to your plight because I used to be terrified of my parents finding out I was gay, flipping out on me and throwing me out with just the clothes on my back. They were (and are) extremely religious, bigoted, and didn't seem to like me very much back then.

 

Then again, back then I was 15.

 

At 22, you should not be so terrified of your parents kicking you out that you'd rather be murdered by a psycho ex (your own words). At 22 you should have walked out of the door by yourself.

 

Any excuse you can come up with to counteract that statement will be just that --an excuse.

 

I know you have been very clear about people giving you advice on the parental issue, but quite frankly THAT is the real issue --not your ex. Fix the parents' thing and the ex problem will *puff* vanish. Manage somehow to deal with the ex problem for now, and the real problems will remain in your life until you do something about it.

 

Your call, girl. I have the feeling you are worth more than this situation you are in.

[hers]

 

At 22, you should not be so terrified of your parents kicking you out that you'd rather be murdered by a psycho ex (your own words). At 22 you should have walked out of the door by yourself.

 

Any excuse you can come up with to counteract that statement will be just that --an excuse.

 

I know you have been very clear about people giving you advice on the parental issue, but quite frankly THAT is the real issue --not your ex. Fix the parents' thing and the ex problem will *puff* vanish. Manage somehow to deal with the ex problem for now, and the real problems will remain in your life until you do something about it.

 

Your call, girl. I have the feeling you are worth more than this situation you are in.

 

good post....

[Hermes]

Great post, Ersatz.

 

H

[thathoopla]

you want the advice you WANT to hear...you want us to say "there, there, thathoopla. it'll all be ok."

 

No, that is not what I want to hear in terms of advice. I want to hear about options I can choose other than those that would involve my parents.

 

Because for the life of me I have tried and tried to come up with valid reasons why you don't want your parents involved and the only thing that I can come up with is, he was your boyfriend and they didn't like him and told you not to see him and you did anyway and that is why you don't want them to know what is going on because that means you betrayed them.

 

Now if that isn't the case then it would really help us to help you if you could be honest with us as to why your parents shouldn't know that their daughter may end up murdered.

 

Youre' worried about getting kicked out, I'm worried about you ending up with a tag on your toe in a body bag.

 

Look, if I get into exact cultural reasons why they cannot know about him then it would take this thread in a whole different direction. I put it in abuse, not family relationships. I don't want to go into detail why my parents cannot know. They just cannot because I would be in huge trouble for ever talking to him. There are CULTURAL REASONS, end of story.

 

Can you PLEASE STOP JUDGING and either help MY situation or just not post?

 

Thathoopla, I am somewhat sympathetic to your plight because I used to be terrified of my parents finding out I was gay, flipping out on me and throwing me out with just the clothes on my back. They were (and are) extremely religious, bigoted, and didn't seem to like me very much back then.

 

Then again, back then I was 15.

 

At 22, you should not be so terrified of your parents kicking you out that you'd rather be murdered by a psycho ex (your own words). At 22 you should have walked out of the door by yourself.

 

Any excuse you can come up with to counteract that statement will be just that --an excuse.

 

I know you have been very clear about people giving you advice on the parental issue, but quite frankly THAT is the real issue --not your ex. Fix the parents' thing and the ex problem will *puff* vanish. Manage somehow to deal with the ex problem for now, and the real problems will remain in your life until you do something about it.

 

Your call, girl. I have the feeling you are worth more than this situation you are in.

Yea I'm sorry but I'm not going to walk out the door myself. There is no reason to leave my parents. That's not even the point of this thread. The issue is NOT my parents, they did nothing wrong and I just DON'T want to stress them out my dad is almost 70 and I DON'T want them to have any drama.

 

Can we PLEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASE move on from the parents issue? Just please don't mention it from now on in the thread. I'm not going to respond to them because it's taking me backwards.

 

I am just trying to find ways to deal with my ex. NC is one option I know about. And I know I am stupid to break NC this time around - I mentioned it in the first post. Other times, however, he would break NC and email/text me saying "where are you. I'm gonna call your house if you don't reply". It's a big headache to try to stay away.

 

I DON'T have any friends I could talk to about this so I'm on this site to just try and see if other people have ideas of what I could do. If you do not have any ideas around it other than talking to my parents - there is no use to post them.

[thathoopla]

To people who are annoyed that I seem stubborn - please try to understand that people come from different backgrounds and you cannot give a one-size fits all answer for every situation. Sometimes giving some generic advice will make the situation of one person much more difficult than an alternative option. I'm not saying you guys are wrong to say that parents or some law enforcement personnel should be involved in abusive situations - I am just saying that I know it will not work with my situation. Just remember that ENA is for helping people with their specific situations - if people really want to help they should try to be sensitive to the poster's background and needs. Advice isn't just for the sake of giving advice and feeling good about saying the "right" thing - it may be relative to individual's but the most important thing is to help the actual poster.

[Hermes]

Thathoopla:

 

Be fair. You did NOT tell us about your backgroundculture (although I suspected the whole problem had to do with a cultural issue). We have no idea where you live, what the cultural issues might be there, or anything, so please do realise that we are really taking a shot in the dark. Sort of like being blindfolded while searching for a black cat in a dark room, if you see what I mean.

 

We don-t KNOW what is relative to your circumstances, given that, again, ou did not tell us what cultural background you come from. None of us can mind read, we only see the words on the page and cannot second guess what the "background is".

And certainly, we cannot give the advice we think you want to hear.

 

So, maybe be a little more honest with us.

 

H.

[Hermes]

And I know I am stupid to break NC this time around

 

OK. Advice. You need to make the NC thing CLEAR to this person. And not encourage him by breaking the NC. That would be a good start.

 

H

[Hermes]

Can you PLEASE STOP JUDGING

 

All I see here are people trying to help you, without much information to go on. No one is judging you.

 

H

[NightLily]

These are the only options I can think of to get your parents to not find out:

-luck

-

 

OK last options I can't suggest here as it is illegal. That is about it.

[thathoopla]

Thathoopla:

 

Be fair. You did NOT tell us about your backgroundculture (although I suspected the whole problem had to do with a cultural issue). We have no idea where you live, what the cultural issues might be there, or anything, so please do realise that we are really taking a shot in the dark. Sort of like being blindfolded while searching for a black cat in a dark room, if you see what I mean.

 

We don-t KNOW what is relative to your circumstances, given that, again, ou did not tell us what cultural background you come from. None of us can mind read, we only see the words on the page and cannot second guess what the "background is".

And certainly, we cannot give the advice we think you want to hear.

 

So, maybe be a little more honest with us.

 

H.

 

Because it's not important that I explain my culture or the reasons why. What's important is that I simply cannot tell them and will not consider an option that would include them. If people would like to give advice, it can only be done under those parameters.

[TN-Walker]

I haven't read the other replies, but I'm sure one or all of them told you what I'm about to. Don't talk to him, don't text him, don't call him, don't IM him. Don't read his blog, MySpace or Facebook pages, or Twitter thing (I don't have Twitter, so not sure how it works, if you have a page or whatever.) In addition, if you don't have caller ID, get it, and don't answer the phone if he calls. You can also block his telephone number so that he can't call.

 

By letting him contact you or by you contacting him, you're feeding his power trip. He wants to throw you off balance, get you wrapped up in his need to dominate and control you and make you afraid. You have to be the one to be strong and stop all contact. You have to be the one to take control. And if you have to, get a restraining order.

 

You can be strong. You can do it. Don't give in to his reign of terror. Take your life back.

 

Hugs,

 

Lisa

[TN-Walker]

Okay, having gone back and read most of the replies, I have some additional suggestions. First off, you CAN block his phone number without your parents knowing. It's as simple as following the instructions given by the Call Blocking service on your phone. No one even has to know. You just block his number after he calls. Also, do you have caller ID? If so, just don't answer.

 

And what I find puzzling is that you don't want your parents to know, but wouldn't they already suspect something if this jerk is calling multiple times and you're acting scared to death?

 

Sweetie, I don't know what your reason is for not telling your parents. That's not my business. But as a mom, I can tell you that most parents (unless they are total creeps) would rather you talk with them than to risk your life with this idiot.

 

Now, go back and read my last reply. Again - no contact. Forget you know him. Move on with your life. You deserve better, and believe me, he's not worth your time.

[Hermes]

If people would like to give advice, it can only be done under those parameters

 

Well, we can't, so have it your own way!

 

H

[thathoopla]

Yea NC is what I need to do. Just worried that, like before, we may not talk to a week or so then he would contact me again and say "talk to me now or I'll call your house".

 

How do I block a number after they've called? I've heard of *60 but that doesn't block a number, it shows you who called. I'll call and ask the phone company about this.

 

 

Thanks finally.

[metrogirl]

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