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[thathoopla]

Ok I know I've posted this before

 

I am very scared of my ex-bf and of what he'll do. There wasn't any real physical violence but lots of name calling and threats. He hasn't acted on any physical threats but he has in the past acted one one type of threat: telling me he will call my house if I don't do what he says or just because he hates me.

 

1. I cannot have him call my home because my parents will KILL me. This issue is NUMBER one. I cannot talk to my parents about this. I cannot have them find out in ANY way.

2. Yes I'm stupid enough to talk to him again and I screwed up by pissing him off when he said something about being with some other girl. I got sad and cried (we were on msn) and he got pissed off. Then I texted him later saying "I am sorry for wasting your time. peace." After that he flipped and said things like he will call my house, he will kill me, ruin my life, etc. etc. So I said sorry again and he still kept saying the same things but hasn't texted back for a while. I hope he just went to cool down.

3. This stuff has been happening since last late summer/fall and it's been getting worse and worse.

4. I'm not actually thinking he will come and hurt me/kill me, because he is just really mad and saying those things. However he has called my home many times before and there's just no way to stop him if he does.

 

Lastly I just want to make it clear I can't do anything that would get family involved. If they do, I will be 100x worse off than he could ever be. I'd get kicked out of my house or have to deal with a lot of drama/lecturing/limited priveleges for a long time. I've dealt with it before in 2008 and my life was hell for a year. I cannot have my family know about this so please please help me find options on what to do BESIDES that. I can't for e.g. block his # on my home phone because my parents will find out. Can't go to the police because my parents would find out.

 

Btw I know he reads some of my posts on ENA, this is confirmed. But I have NO idea where else to ask this. I called 2 distress lines worried and I got nothing new from them. One girl just told me to ignore him (which I've done before but then if I don't talk to him for several days, sometimes he comes back and tells me to talk to him again or else he'll call my house). Another woman told me that I have to call the police cause my life is in danger. I know my life is not in danger. I read this book by Gavin de Becker talking about this sort of behaviour. And I am not afraid nor am I thinking he would physically hurt me. I just want him to stop threatening and involving my family in it

 

I have noone else to talk to about this so I'm on the site..

[Sonicxman]

Can you ask your parents on your own nickel to pay for a new line and use some excuse like telemarketers are calling to much ect...?

[thathoopla]

Can you ask your parents on your own nickel to pay for a new line and use some excuse like telemarketers are calling to much ect...?

 

If it's telemarketers, we'd just unlist and remove our phone number from solicitors calling us. But he calls over and over and over again...

[Ebrithil]

Why cant your parents find out about him? and what is it they cant find out? I assume they know about him?

 

He is in a position where he can manipulate you with a single threat that is your parents, I find that the only way to be able to relax is to remove the threat, this may not involve telling the full truth of the matter just a part of it, and it doesnt mean you have to lie. Parents like to tell us where we have gone wrong in our lives but they cant keep arguing with you if you acknoledge that you know what you did wrong and as such wont make the same mistake again in the future. This is the best way to block his number from the phone. We have to make a sacrifice if we are to gain anything.

 

His threats may not be serious ones but they are threats and that is an aggression in its self he is trying to destroy your confidence and self worth and just reading your post I can tell that he has done to some extent. Threats are unaceptable and no matter how you try to justify them for him they should not be being made and you shouldnt have to put up with them.

 

If he trys to get into contact with you I sugest that you ovoide the contact, if you decied to actualy talk to him though I suggest you do it in your own time not his, that you dont appologise to him for things that you have not done wrong, if hes in a bad mood its his fault not yours and you should not appologise for it. Let him rant it out without speaking a word and remain calm and impassive. If he doesnt get a reaction from you he will get bord and hopfuly leave you alone. If not by this point hopfuly youll have been able to block his number from the phone line and explain to your parents that hes a really messed up person that has anger issues and is willing to say anything to hurt you that he can.

 

I hope this helps feel free to Pm me if there is anything you want to ask.

[Hermes]

Hoopla:

 

He is engaging in a kind of stalking, and..he sounds very unstable to me. This is a weird situation. I also ask why your parents would be so upset? Are they generally supportive?

And, after all, you are 22 (not 16).

 

 

telling me he will call my house if I don't do what he says or just because he hates me.

 

Next time he comes out with that just tell him, assertively, to "get lost".

 

H.

[thathoopla]

If I get into a discussion about why I can't tell parents, this thread would just go in another direction. I just can't, because I would get in a lot of trouble.

 

Is there no other option other than hoping and praying he would just stop hurting me?

[thathoopla]

Everytime the phone rings I feel like dying....

[Hermes]

Look Hoopla. This is so abnormal. Just tell him, in no uncertain terms, to "get lost", and, that, if he phones again, you will call the police. Say it loud and strong. He will get the message, believe me. He is playing games...

 

H

[thathoopla]

Look Hoopla. This is so abnormal. Just tell him, in no uncertain terms, to "get lost", and, that, if he phones again, you will call the police. Say it loud and strong. He will get the message, believe me. He is playing games...

 

H

 

I HAVE told him that. I have told him to stop. He does not CARE. He has NOTHING to lose. The police will tell me to just block his # from my home phone company. But as I said before, if I try that my family will know.

 

I CANNOT have my parents know anything that's my #1 concern and I will not go against it.

[NightLily]

First off, are you actually 22? Or, are you younger?

 

Has this been an online relationship only? Is that why you don't want your parents to find out? Because you gave away your phone number online?

[thathoopla]

First off, are you actually 22? Or, are you younger?

 

Has this been an online relationship only? Is that why you don't want your parents to find out? Because you gave away your phone number online?

 

Yes I'm 22 .

 

No it was not just an online relationship. He lives abotu 45 mins away but when we were together we'd see each other once or twice a week.

 

Pleaaaaaaaaaaaaase let's not focus on why I can't tell my parents. I just can't. I really don't want to get in that discussion again.

[NightLily]

It really has nothing to do with me trying to figure out why you can't tell them. More just trying to figure out the severity of the problem. Like, if he could possibly go over there and hurt you.

 

If he calls and they very seriously can't know (religious reason whatever) if you are OK with it you could just say before hand "there is this crazy guy that won't leave me alone and keeps harrassing me. I don't want to date him but he won't let it go and keeps calling even though I have asked him to stop"

 

It isn't *exactly* lying but you are leaving out massive details.

[Hermes]

First off, are you actually 22? Or, are you younger?

 

I am now asking the same question?

 

H

[thathoopla]

It really has nothing to do with me trying to figure out why you can't tell them. More just trying to figure out the severity of the problem. Like, if he could possibly go over there and hurt you.

 

If he calls and they very seriously can't know (religious reason whatever) if you are OK with it you could just say before hand "there is this crazy guy that won't leave me alone and keeps harrassing me. I don't want to date him but he won't let it go and keeps calling even though I have asked him to stop"

 

It isn't *exactly* lying but you are leaving out massive details.

 

He's not going to come here and physically hurt me. He can (and has before) however, call my house off the hook. Even more, he can just tell my parents anything he wants. Then there'd be a lot of drama and a big possibility of me getting kicked out. I do not want my parents knowing anything about him. I cannot tell them anything beforehand because even that would cause a lot of problems for me. HE would get away with it easily while I'd have to live with the consequences. Can we move on from the parent talk?

 

Is there no other option??

[thathoopla]

I am now asking the same question?

 

H

 

Thanks for the very kind words, I was in a super emotional state when I made the thread and was shaking, if something didn't come out right then it's due to that not age.

[Shortpants]

Really, since you reside in your parents home, there is no other option than getting them involved. I hate to say this as it seems you are very, very stressed over this possibility of them finding out. Basically all you can do is tell him to leave you alone and if he doesn't, you have no recourse. The police will tell you to block his number, but you can't because it is your parent's home number, so no way to do that without them finding out.

 

The way I see it is that they are going to find out either by him calling your house or you telling them the situation. I'm sure they would much rather have you come to them first before getting blindsided by this psycho guy. My best advice is to go COMPLETE NC with this guy, no calls, no MSN, NOTHING. He is continuing to contact you because he knows he is getting a rise out of you and scaring you, when you stop giving into him, you regain power and hopefully he will back off when he sees he does not get the reaction he wants.

 

Please be careful, physical threats are to be taken seriously, even if you are "sure" he will never act on them. Take care of yourself and please reconsider talking to your parents about the situation before it gets any more out of hand than it is.

[sidehop]

If the police is involved how would your parents find out?

 

Did you check to see what the law is where you live in recording phone conversations to prove this guy is really threatening you? I know it varies by state, city as well as countries. If anything you can take the evidence and get a restraining order to keep him away without your parents possibly finding out.

[Taikero]

I'd PM you but it looks like you have that restricted or turned off. Since he reads the posts you make and the responses here I don't think it is wise he might have an idea of the advice you've received and what you might do in response to his behavior. I've added you to my contacts, feel free to PM me if you'd like to talk about this.

[metrogirl]

Seriously with everything you have posted about this guy, I would rather take what my parents would dish out to me than have to deal with this guy that is clearly deranged.

 

I'm sure if told your parents that this guy threatened to cut your throat and beat your face in, they would agree with what everyone here is saying and report him to the cops, change the number and get a restraining order.

 

Now if you aren't prepared to talk to your parents, then you really have no other options. You tell him not to call, he calls. You ignore him, he calls. You can't wave a magic wand and make him stop.

 

People that want help get help.

[Hermes]

I agree with MetroGirl.

 

This individual seems to be quite insane. And you need to get help, OP.

 

H.

[hers]

Seriously with everything you have posted about this guy, I would rather take what my parents would dish out to me than have to deal with this guy that is clearly deranged.

 

I'm sure if told your parents that this guy threatened to cut your throat and beat your face in, they would agree with what everyone here is saying and report him to the cops, change the number and get a restraining order.

 

Now if you aren't prepared to talk to your parents, then you really have no other options. You tell him not to call, he calls. You ignore him, he calls. You can't wave a magic wand and make him stop.

 

People that want help get help.

 

Pretty much what I was gonna say. I'd rather get lectured by my parents than feel liek I'm dying just b/c the phone rang, or worse by getting my face kicked in.

 

You seem to invite this drama freely. You may be scared and you may be shaking but if you really wanted this to stop, you'd own up to being an adult and get yourself help. You're not 13 and in trouble for missing your curfew. This is serious stuff this guy is talking. And do you know how many women have said "I know he won't do anything" are sitting in graveyards right now? Do you want to be one of them?

 

You can get yourself help. You're just choosing not to b/c you don't want to face a lecture or reduced privileges. That sounds like a better life than the one you're living now. You're an adult. Time to take care of yourself.

[thathoopla]

I REALLY don't mean to come off as rude by saying this but if you guys don't know of anything else I could do that would not involve parents - please reserve those posts. I've explained it time and time again but people don't seem to be sensitive to my circumstances. Thanks.

 

Please be careful, physical threats are to be taken seriously, even if you are "sure" he will never act on them. Take care of yourself and please reconsider talking to your parents about the situation before it gets any more out of hand than it is.

 

I'd rather him kill me than my parents find out anything. Not that he's going to do anything physical.

 

I'd PM you but it looks like you have that restricted or turned off. Since he reads the posts you make and the responses here I don't think it is wise he might have an idea of the advice you've received and what you might do in response to his behavior. I've added you to my contacts, feel free to PM me if you'd like to talk about this.

 

I've closed the PM box for other reasons, but you're right in what you posted.

 

Seriously with everything you have posted about this guy, I would rather take what my parents would dish out to me than have to deal with this guy that is clearly deranged.

 

You would, but I am 100% not going to involve parents into it. Even if they find out a guy is saying these things to me and somehow get him to stop, I would be kicked out so I would be sufferring much more than I am right now.

 

Pretty much what I was gonna say. I'd rather get lectured by my parents than feel liek I'm dying just b/c the phone rang, or worse by getting my face kicked in.

 

You seem to invite this drama freely. You may be scared and you may be shaking but if you really wanted this to stop, you'd own up to being an adult and get yourself help. You're not 13 and in trouble for missing your curfew. This is serious stuff this guy is talking. And do you know how many women have said "I know he won't do anything" are sitting in graveyards right now? Do you want to be one of them?

 

You can get yourself help. You're just choosing not to b/c you don't want to face a lecture or reduced privileges. That sounds like a better life than the one you're living now. You're an adult. Time to take care of yourself.

 

The bolded - that's pretty much how it is at my home. So I'm going to avoid any more problems with family.

[metrogirl]

link removed

 

Deranged men, don't care who they hurt. This guy shot and killed his ex girlfriend, her little brother, shot and seriously injured both her parents.

 

Yeah, I wouldn't be too concerned with your parents kicking you out, they might not live long enough if you don't do something to make this guy stop.

[thathoopla]

Go read Gavin de Becker's "The Gift of Fear".

 

He's not deranged, he's just really rude.

[Taikero]

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