Cheating Online? I need advice so badly.

[Gin]

I'm a 26 year old woman in a 6 year relationship with another woman. We met online and we have been living together for most of those 6 years. I love her more than anything, but she is driving me insane lately.

 

A couple of months ago she met a younger girl online, through a role play we were both in. (For those of you who don't know, it's not -that- kind of role play. It's basically just writing stories in a game/group. We are big geeks.) This younger girl, "Whit", was playing a male character that took a shine to my fiancee's character. Mine and my fiancee's character were going to get together in the story we were writing, but it didn't take me long to figure out that the two of them really liked pairing their characters, and were planning to write me out of the story so that they could get together. This is where it all began. I was incredibly hurt by this, put off by how much she was into this fake relationship, and I communicated that to her. She refused to budge on the issue for a long time and we fought often, until finally we compromised - I would not be written out and we would write the love story we were going to, and she would segway off into a different story with Whit's character. My fiancee admitted to me that she had been living vicariously through her character and would address any problem she had with our relationship directly with me instead of seeking something else online.

 

Problem was not fixed. I remained intensely bothered by the fact that she was writing romance with Whit. The two of them talked online constantly, and now they are close friends. My fiancee began drawing pictures of Whit's male character a lot, planning things for them, and making me feel neglected. I became extremely jealous and sensitive. We began fighting more frequently and intensely than ever before. She has been treating me with more aggression and less tolerance than usual, even my family noticed.

 

This has caused emotional anguish for me. I've been told that I am being "psychologically and emotionally cheated on" by more than one person. My fiancee insists that she only likes the story, has no feelings for Whit, and that I need to let go. I in turn have told her that the whole situation makes me feel very uncomfortable and unhappy, and have asked her if she really thinks this false relationship with Whit's character is worth the health of our relationship. She says that our relationship shouldn't be at stake over this, that I am too sensitive and insecure, and that my feelings should not be humored. She says that she should be allowed to do what she wants, and that she will not let me "collar" her. I've told her that my best friend and her husband made an agreement that neither of them would role play relationships with other people after marrying, and they were fine with that. She didn't accept that either.

 

On top of that, all of the fighting has made her "too uncomfortable" to write any romance with me, and she's made me wait a week before we can. During that week, she freely writes and flirts with Whit. I feel that every time I try to stand up for myself, we wind up fighting and I make myself look worse in her eyes. When we fight, she goes to Whit for comfort. My family has told me that my fiancee has all of the control in this situation and that I am being abused, forced to watch her emotionally cheat on me. One person has encouraged me to break up with her. I don't want to do that at all.

 

Lately I have been very good to her, responding only with kindness to anything she says or does. She in turn has been more open and loving with me. I've felt better, but every time Whit is brought up I start to feel sick. I can see some of their interactions online. They are still having their characters flirt, be implicate, "Fall in love", etc., despite how our relationship is beginning to improve. I feel that I can no longer talk to my fiancee about this issue without risking stability again. She no longer takes my opinion at all seriously and is continuing to do what she wants online with Whit.

 

I do not know what to do. I'm at my mother's house now, getting some space. She has been telling me how much she misses me and we had a nice phone conversation before I went to bed last night... but this morning, I saw her and Whit talking about one of their characters watching the other one naked, and I feel like * * * * all over again. I'm crying every day. I don't want to break up with her, but I am suffering so much over this and she won't listen to me. Am I being cheated on? Am I being abused? Our lives were so much better before this all started, what I really want is to have that back. I want Whit to get out of our lives for good, but even talking to Whit on the subject will likely get me disowned by my fiancee. Someone, anyone, offer me some sort of answer, solace, anything.

[Fudgie]

Yes, you're being emotionally cheated on, absolutely. This actually sounds like a textbook case.

 

I would say "talk to her", but you have done that already and it sounds like the communication is shot. She won't listen to you or value your opinion. The way she acting, it sounds like she DOESN'T care about you. Read that again: she doesn't care. I'm very sorry, but that is what I am reading.

 

I know you don't want to leave but it may be best, at least temporarily to gather your thoughts. Go to your mom's for a while and just be away from all the hurt, and after a while, decide your next move.

 

I honestly think it's best for you to leave her. You need to find someone who won't cheat on you like this.

[hexaemeron]

So wait... all of this is over a MUD? or LARPing? I don't mean to minimize your feelings here, OP, but I think you're tipping over the deep end here to the point I'm having difficulty taking this seriously. You're taking something from a fabricated non-real situation and whipping yourself into a froth over it.

 

Who the hell cares if she's writing stories with this other character as long as, at the end of the day, she enjoys her time with you and you both enjoy the relationship?

 

It sounds like you need to inhale, hold, unclench, stop white knuckling and look at things more in a big picture place. And, seriously, get away from the computer and this alternate story world thing you have going on. Your emotional state is WAY too tied to it and not nearly enough to the real world, imho.

 

Hope this helps.

[lostandhurt]

This may all be fake and for fun but this is often how "things" in the relationship come out. They come out in other symptoms like spending a lot of time talking to, spending time with other people other that their SO.

This sounds like you and your girlfriend started something together for fun and somebody cut in and now you are jealous of their friendship. Ask her to define their friendship as well as the state of your relationship.

This may be a lot about nothing in the end and bring you both closer or it may be showing the weakness in the relationship. Either way it needs to be resolved.

 

Lost

[mmmd]

So wait... all of this is over a MUD? or LARPing? I don't mean to minimize your feelings here, OP, but I think you're tipping over the deep end here to the point I'm having difficulty taking this seriously. You're taking something from a fabricated non-real situation and whipping yourself into a froth over it.

 

Who the hell cares if she's writing stories with this other character as long as, at the end of the day, she enjoys her time with you and you both enjoy the relationship?

 

It sounds like you need to inhale, hold, unclench, stop white knuckling and look at things more in a big picture place. And, seriously, get away from the computer and this alternate story world thing you have going on. Your emotional state is WAY too tied to it and not nearly enough to the real world, imho.

 

Hope this helps.

 

don't mean to be rude, but you're completely missing most of the nuance here.

[AmIafool]

Yes, you're being emotionally cheated on, absolutely. This actually sounds like a textbook case.

 

I would say "talk to her", but you have done that already and it sounds like the communication is shot. She won't listen to you or value your opinion. The way she acting, it sounds like she DOESN'T care about you. Read that again: she doesn't care. I'm very sorry, but that is what I am reading.

 

I know you don't want to leave but it may be best, at least temporarily to gather your thoughts. Go to your mom's for a while and just be away from all the hurt, and after a while, decide your next move.

 

I honestly think it's best for you to leave her. You need to find someone who won't cheat on you like this.

 

I agree with this assessment.

 

Yes, this is definitely a form of cheating and she is subjecting you to emotional abuse by 1) not taking your feelings into account and 2) turning it around on you by saying you are just jealous and insecure. If you're nice and don't say anything, she's pleasant toward you. If you try to voice your feelings about it and how it is affecting you, she gets angry and turns everything around on you. She is not expressing any empathy or even trying to understand where you're coming from. Then she punishes you because you have made her angry. She has basically bullied you into not bothering her about this on-line relationship. This is a classic, textbook cheater manipulation. She has everything the way she wants it. Her attitude is that she will do whatever she pleases, and you can have nothing to say about it.

 

You need to respect yourself and realize you don't deserve this. Don't convince yourself that you can't do better, or that she is so great she's worth holding on to (she's not). You're still young and there is a whole world of women who will not treat you this way.

 

I don't think you should try to hold on to this relationship. This kind of treatment will not stop here. She will disrespect you and disregard your feelings when other issues come up in the future.

[Gin]

Would couples therapy be at all helpful for us, do you think? Would that help her to see my point of view better, told from a third party's perspective?

[Fudgie]

If you feel compelled to seek couple's therapy, sure. Ask her though, she may or may not agree. You can't force her to go if she doesn't want to.

 

Honestly, I doubt that it will do much to help the situation. It sounds like you have already tried talking to her in a constructive way and she just shut you down. How is paying a professional going to help if she won't communicate with you even when you're being respectful?

 

I'm sorry but it sounds like this is over.

 

I wanted to add that this is what is known as "Emotional cheating". Look it up for some more info. Just because there is no physical contact going on between your gf and "Whit", it is still emotional cheating and it is VERY harmful and damaging to your relationship.

 

Look, don't make any choices now...it seems that you are dead-set against leaving her. Then don't. Just "take a break" and reconnect with your mother for a while, stay at her place if you can. Give yourself some time and away from your girlfriend and THEN figure out what to do.