Children?

[monkeysblood]

I am trying internet dating at the moment. The issue I have at the moment is that I don't want children. The problem with that is that it leaves very few women to contact (most of them don't actually say that they don't - they either leave it blank, or say they're not sure).

 

To expand my horizons, I'm thinking of contacting women who say that they would like to have children. Just to clarify, I would not contact someone who says that she definitely wants to have children; what I'm talking about here is people who just say that they want to have children, but don't seem to be making definite plans (just what they want to happen).

 

The question I have is - these women who are stating a desire to have children, but not making definite plans - how sincere do you think they are in wanting children, or are they, as I thought at first, just stating a desire to have in an ideal world, and nothing more?

 

I know that that's quite a long an deep question, but I'd like to know your thoughts on this issue.

[sidehop]

Why would you attempt to get to know someone who's not sure about having children while you're certain you don't want to have children? I understand that your choice may be limiting the women you're wanting to meet but it's not a question that someone can really answer in my opinion.

[HouseKitten]

Well.... if a woman is on a dating site, I don't see how she'd be in any position to be 'making plans' to have children anyway. Planning to have kids is (hopefully) something you do with a long-term partner or spouse. Also, most girls will want to avoid looking crazy and needy, and writing in your profile about when you'd like to have kids and what you'd call them can come off as a little presumptuous.

 

Just avoid the women who want kids. If they've put 'want children' then yes, they want children, and you'll only be wasting your times and theirs by getting in touch.

 

I assume your profile specifies 'do not want children', right?

[Maveric]

Clarify, do you not want children ever at all? or do you don't want children at the moment? If you're looking for a long term relationship and have decided you don't want kids in the future, contacting women who have interest in kids will probably be a waste of time, yours and theirs. Most people who write that they want kinds probably do so because they really do want them. I don't see the need to fib about that

[emma34]

i think that most of the single women i know who say they think they want to have children. that being said, they might change their minds depending on their partner.

[melrich]

I think if you are going to completely rule out any chance of having children you are going to rule out a lot of women as prospects for a long term relationship.....internet dating or otherwise.

 

Probably just comes with the territory and I think it is better that you are pretty upfront with this sort of thing if you are in an age group that is starting to have kids.

[sophie274]

I think you have to accept the fact that it is a minority position and may limit your choice of women. If you are 100% sure that you do not want to have children, then you are doing yourself and the women you date who do want them a big disservice by dating them, unless neither of you is looking for a serious relationship.

 

I'm also confused by what you mean about sussing out whether a woman is making plans to have children or wants them in an ideal world. As HK says, how could they be making plans if they are single? And how can you tell the difference between these two groups? I also think that most women who want children DO end up having them (whether "naturally" or through adoption), so I'm not sure what you mean by an ideal world - you would basically be asking someone to choose between having children or having you, and that doesn't seem to work out very well.

 

I wonder if there are any dating sites or online communities specifically for those who do not want children to find each other.

[newwave]

I want kids eventually but not now. However, I would tell guys this after a while and I wouldn't have kids just to have kids (a problem that seems to come up for older women). If I started dating a guy and later on he told me he definitely didn't want kids I'd be mad. The only exception would be a guy who wasn't sure rather he wanted kids or not. I knew guys like these and most of the time they ended up wanting kids.

 

Having said that, in my 20's I definitely didn't want kids and dated guys who didn't either. They told me upfront they didn't want kids and I didn't either. if you are 20's this might change as it did for me.

[BriarRose]

I think you should limit your contact to women who don't want kids, rather than try to increase your dating pool by including women who "say they want children" but don't seem to be making definitive plans (not sure I understand this).

[monkeysblood]

After thinking about this overnight, I don't really think that I should be making definite plans myself either. I am looking at this from a single person's view. I think that I may want children later in life, but not now. I will have to be with the right person first, and take it from there.

 

Firstly, just to explain about definitely wanting children etc, and why there is a difference: I would not contact someone who says in the "looking for" box "marriage and children", as opposed to "a date", or "a long-term relationship" etc. What I mean by just planning is that there is question which is "Plan on having children". If someone stated that they would "like to have children" in that box (but didn't put "marriage and children" in the "looking for" catergory), then I would consider that to be merely making plans, not something definite. I know that it's a very interesting way of looking at it, but that's where I'm coming from.

 

There are a couple of other issues that I'd like to bring up - whether someone states that they want children or not, how do I know that they won't change their mind later? I would have to assume that they'd want the same things forever, and hope that they don't change their minds.

 

The other thing is that if you meet a woman 'normally' (not internet dating), you can't exactly ask her on the first date if she wants children! You would have to wait until things got more serious, so I don't think that that could be any form of deception/lies.

 

I think the real reason why I (don't think I) want children is because I've set a very high expectation of fatherhood, and what it means, and I worry that I won't be able to keep it up.

 

Thanks to everyone who replied - it has been a lot of help. Does anyone have any further comments to make?

[newwave]

Monkeysblood, how old are you? I ask because once women get to certain ages they often want kids and don't want to waste their time on guys who don't. I think I want kids (I am 39) but do not date every guy thinking he'll be my husband and father of my kids. On the other hand I don't just want to date someone without it going somewhere. Back in my 20's I never wanted kids.

[abitbroken]

I think its strange that one box to check off for is "looking for a date." Isn't everyone on the site looking for a date lol

 

Keep in mind that not all women who are looking for "marriage and children" are thinking this is a mail order bride service and they are looking for an immediate husband. For most of them, they are just being fair to men by letting them know what they want that in life. They aren't party girls. They want to settle down with the right guy at some point. It doesn't mean with the next man they go out with, or maybe not for a few years. What it is for is compatibility. When I started dating after divorce, I let guys know that I was open to marrying again. Likewise, if a man was widowed with kids, I would want to know if he was absolutely closeminded about adding more.

 

In your case, if you are a bit scared of the prospect of fatherhood because you are afraid of not doing a good job, you might find solace in a woman who truly loves you, bumps and all, who encourages and believes in you. Who knows you aren't perfect and neiter is she and loosens up your perfectonist ways. Or a woman who is the type to tackle fears and challenges by researching things and going to classes to learn about it. Or you might meet a woman who is widowed and has a child or two so knows the ropes, but is open to having more and that would balance you out as well.