Looking for a mentor to provide support, don't want to be "Mr. nice guy" anymore

[zzprometheuszz]

Good day,

 

I am currently reading "No more Mr. nice guy" by Robert Glover. I found this book through an article from a new source. The more I read, the more I identify with these "nice guys" mentioned in this book. for example:

 

- Nice guys are happiest when they are making others happy.

- Nice Guys avoid conflict like the plague and will go to great lengths to avoid upsetting anyone.

- Nice Guys are especially concerned about pleasing women and being different from other men.

- Nice Guys believe that if they are good, giving, and caring, they will in return be happy, loved, and fulfilled.

 

Sounds too good to be true? it is.

 

Being a "nice guy" had cause me to be "frustrated and resentful" because I never get what I needed

 

I believed that If I am good to women, paid attention to them and give them everything they need, i will be happy.

 

How did I become this way? years of conditioning

 

- My father had a gambling problem and was never there for my mom, she always told me and my brother how much we look like him and how much she hated it

- I never wanted to become like my father so I try to do the opposite of what he is, I wanted to be there for everyone at all times.

- My mother always told me that people who "pretend to be smart" are the first person to "fail" or "die". Instead of hiding my flaws, I play "dumb" and act "weird" all the times with people around me.

- My mother told me that if she was a girl she would never fall for me because I am not 100% respectful to my mother

- I was told since I was 12 that if I ever touch a girl or knock her up my mother would castrate me. No seriously, she said this many times since I was a teenager

 

With that being said I am trying to break free from these mental attitude that cause to never have a girlfriend or a good relationship or acting like how a man should act (people told me that I acted girly) In order to do that I need a safe person or a mentor to help me break free from this "nice guy syndrome"

 

And that's why I am here

[IGlareOften]

First of all, your mother was 100% wrong in many many things she said to you.

Secondly, true, nice guys do finish last. However, when they finish...they finish with respect and grace.

I'd prefer a nice guy any day. Smart and funny outweigh anything else to me.

 

It's not time to break out of the nice guy mold. It's time to learn the art of boundaries and finding strength enough to say no. You can be nice and still get what you need. I am that way. You need to find the difference between being kind and being a door mat, because there is a huge difference.

 

You need to realize that as humans it is our nature to serve self. This is not right, but the opposite end of the spectrum isn't right either. It is necessary to cater to self while catering to your SO. It's baout finding balance..not destroying in you that is inherent.

 

It's not a curse or a sickness to be nice...it just is something many people take advantage of. If you can find a way to set up clear, solid boundaries and up hold them...you can remain a nice guy...but get what you need.

 

From one "nice guy" to another. Don't destroy what you are to get what you need. You can be you and have what you need. It's about gaining balls without losing yourself in the process.

[civilservant]

I've read this book, it has some interesting ideas, but I didn't agree with all it's conclusions. I actually realised after Reading this I wasn't the nice guy I thought I was

[FathomFear]

I think the problem with sucks books is that they associate "nice" with "extreme passivity". Being extremely passive is a problem for anyone, male or female, as it often results in people feeling like they don't guide their own lives. I would agree with that. What I don't agree with is that the opposite of passive is somehow "not nice". I think that's a dangerous message and plays into some stereotypes and traditions that we should be trying to do away with.

[catfeeder]

I think the most important thing to disabuse yourself of is the idea that anyone will step up to reward you--for anything. Rewards are self-given, and if you're ever fortunate enough to have someone else join you in reinforcing those rewards, that's icing.

 

Nice, mean, artful, stupid, cheerful, angry--these can all be authentic or manipulative characteristics, depending on how you opt to use them. If you've been manipulating and it doesn't work, that's probably the most valuable lesson a person can learn in a lifetime.

 

Authenticity requires no apologies, and it's its own reward.

[startinover]

I think the most important thing to disabuse yourself of is the idea that anyone will step up to reward you--for anything. Rewards are self-given, and if you're ever fortunate enough to have someone else join you in reinforcing those rewards, that's icing.

 

Nice, mean, artful, stupid, cheerful, angry--these can all be authentic or manipulative characteristics, depending on how you opt to use them. If you've been manipulating and it doesn't work, that's probably the most valuable lesson a person can learn in a lifetime.

 

Authenticity requires no apologies, and it's its own reward.

 

Perfect!

 

To the OP, I read No More Mr. Nice Guy. It's okay. There's a lot in there that is true and useful and helpful, but the perspective might make you go the wrong way. I prefer Users Manual for the Human Experience. Not exactly woman related, but it totally teaches healthy boundaries for all people, not just men. It also teaches you how to get the most out of your life emotionally, and what the author went through to get there. It's made a big difference in my life, and I'm living healthier and happier than I've ever been. I believe the ebook is free. Give it a shot