LDR Breakup. Thoughts?

[Ms Darcy]

Yes, I've heard of the honeymoon phase. I hear what you're saying, and it was a factor, but like all situations this was very complex.

And the laundry list of my faults will never justify what was, to me, an extremely cruel way to end things. 'It probably wasn't nice.' Yeah, to say the least.

If she was so annoyed and unsatisfied for SOOO long, then she shouldn't have made the commitment of buying a ticket. Because that is the most misleading thing she could have possibly done.

It's fine that you can't imagine going for an LDR while in your early 20s. Unfortunately I already took that risk. I can't change it now, but I wish I could.

 

What did she say about your faults?

 

I'm on record saying the whole fly out thing is a terrible idea. But it's your life bud!

[stormie]

What did she say about your faults?

 

I'm on record saying the whole fly out thing is a terrible idea. But it's your life bud!

 

Hey listen, tha'ts ok - i'm just giving him options

[hmmwhoknows]

She said lots of things about my faults. I don't especially want to go into specifics, but she made it clear that we were just too different to be together. It didn't seem like she had enough to support this though, which is why I think there's something she didn't tell me (another guy, cold feet, pressure from friends, what have you).

 

Stormie, what you're saying, according to your brothers experience, is that I have a 50/50 chance. Could you explain how exactly he got his girlfriend back? I mean, how long was it after they'd broken up? I don't hear about success like that very often.

 

You two have VERY different opinions on this! But it is all very much appreciated.

[Ms Darcy]

She said lots of things about my faults. I don't especially want to go into specifics, but she made it clear that we were just too different to be together. It didn't seem like she had enough to support this though, which is why I think there's something she didn't tell me (another guy, cold feet, pressure from friends, what have you).

 

Stormie, what you're saying, according to your brothers experience, is that I have a 50/50 chance. Could you explain how exactly he got his girlfriend back? I mean, how long was it after they'd broken up? I don't hear about success like that very often.

 

I can't judge you for not sharing, but I think it forces us to fill in the blanks. To me, I think what she said probably had a lot of validity that you don't want to admit to and explain her leaving.

[stormie]

I can't judge you for not sharing, but I think it forces us to fill in the blanks. To me, I think what she said probably had a lot of validity that you don't want to admit to and explain her leaving.

 

Well yeah, I wouldn't go as far as to say that what she said had validity, but what I would dare say is that he missed the obvious signs. People usually give signs before they break up. What were hers?? Was she complaining about something? Was there friction in emails, chat, etc??

Maybe he didn't want to move over there vice versa? i don't know it is hard to say - I agree that there are not enough details.

[Ms Darcy]

Well yeah, I wouldn't go as far as to say that what she said had validity, but what I would dare say is that he missed the obvious signs. People usually give signs before they break up. What were hers?? Was she complaining about something? Was there friction in emails, chat, etc??

Maybe he didn't want to move over there vice versa? i don't know it is hard to say - I agree that there are not enough details.

 

I agree and I think the biggest sign was that it was pretty much a rushed relationship. They frequently crash and burn.

[hmmwhoknows]

I keep trying to find a way to summarize what she said to me without revealing some pretty personal details, so I have to be pretty vague. ENA is fully public. I think both of you are right in that there were signs leading up to the breakup, but how would I have known that she would bail on the flight? I would never do such a thing.

 

Basically, regarding my ‘faults,’ she could not get over my past. The people I knew, and the things I did, before I ever met her. It was nothing big, I guess I had a pretty wild teenage experience as compared to Aussie standards? As far as partying, going to shows, playing in bands. Whatever, now I’m a white-collar worker on salary, and I live a very tame lifestyle. I never really understood why she cared about stuff that happened years before. I tried to be an open book, and when she asked questions I answered honestly, so I didn’t expect for details to be used against me in this way. At all.

 

Mind you, these ‘contentious issues’ had been around throughout, so when she used them as a personal attack on me in order to justify the breakup, I didn’t understand it. If these were the reasons to dump me, and she had known about them the whole time, then why did she make plans to visit me? It should have ended months earlier.

 

A quick recap:

 

July: We meet on a boat trip starting in the first week of the month, she’s my next door neighbor for 8 days.

September: After staying in contact, we meet up in Europe again. We think long and hard about it, and we decide to become a couple. I return home feeling my dreams have come true.

December: Christmas was great, we were very, very close at the time. On the 30th, she purchases the plane ticket to see me on a credit card. Her New Year’s resolution? ‘Out with the old, in with the new.’ She was referring to me, and our relationship, as the new.

February: Just a little more than a month after booking the flight, this boy is dumped.

 

Yeah, it crashed and burned. But it’s not like there was much closure. That’s why I’m on the ‘Healing’ page.

 

Also, I was willing to move there. But she didn't even want to live in Australia. We both wanted to move to Europe.

[Ms Darcy]

Basically, regarding my ‘faults,’ she could not get over my past ... It was nothing big, I guess I had a pretty wild teenage experience as compared to Aussie standards? As far as partying, going to shows, playing in bands. Whatever, now I’m a white-collar worker on salary, and I live a very tame lifestyle. I never really understood why she cared about stuff that happened years before.

 

I think I understand what you are saying. There are a lot of people that struggle with the things that their partners have done in the past - cheating, drugs, many sexual partners. In my opinion, it's a question of values. Better to walk away if you can't handle someone else's past versus torturing them about it.

[stormie]

 

Basically, regarding my ‘faults,’ she could not get over my past. The people I knew, and the things I did, before I ever met her. It was nothing big, I guess I had a pretty wild teenage experience as compared to Aussie standards?

 

Oh, so there were signs...

Anyway, I doubt it's an aussie issue as the girls who i'm friends with from over there were party animals themselves even into pot smoking back in their teenage/ early adulthood days. But it seems to me that your ex girl was somewhat conservative. I think everyone is up to a point.

 

She doesn't sound very confident. Not to insult her, but I think she may have some unsettled history - maybe she was cheated on or something to that affect. I dont' see why else someone's teenage past would affect them, unless of course, you continued to do whatever it was that shes complaining about up until very recently.

 

Mind you, these ‘contentious issues’ had been around throughout, so when she used them as a personal attack on me in order to justify the breakup, I didn’t understand it. If these were the reasons to dump me, and she had known about them the whole time, then why did she make plans to visit me? It should have ended months earlier.

 

Well, basically it is of my opinion and speculation from the extra info that you told us that in her mind she wanted it to work. She was illusioned with the thought of having someone love her and the thought of having her American "prince" take her away to Europe to start a new life.

 

It was like a fairy tale - I don't doubt she felt the same way about you at all. But the fairy tale may have ended when she kept on questioning your faults with her friends or relatives and whoever else listened and they basically told her what any other friend (or in their case "mate" lol) may have told her: That if she is unable to get over your faults that it's best to make a clean cut. This is just my speculation.

 

 

But it’s not like there was much closure.

 

Well, that's the unfortunate truth: Most dumpers don't give closure - to do so would mean to expose their guilt. After all, those of us who were dumped would want to give the relationship another chance, right? But the sad reality is that once they've reached that decision, for the most part, they simply don't want to hear it.

[hmmwhoknows]

Yeah, I don't expect to hear from her, or see her, ever again in my life. The fairy tale is long over. It seemed meant to be, and I will always love her. But she rejected me, and I seriously doubt a flight to Australia would change anything.

[GenoGeno]

Yeah my girlfriend broke up with me and we were in a LDR, it's tough for sure. Because i almost feel like one of the reasons she broke up with me was because of the LDR which was out of my control at this point in time.

[hmmwhoknows]

I feel the same way dude. It's like she came up with a shallow list of traits she didn't like about me, and used those to break up with me, when in fact I feel in my heart that if the distance hadn't been there things would have been different. It's like, I haven't even SEEN you in months, how do you know if this is the right decision without ever looking into my eyes again?

Still feel like fighting for her, I don't know if it's delusion or a gut feeling I should act on. Probably the first one.

[hmmwhoknows]

Anyone else have an idea about this? Try as I might, I can't help but think of her all the time...

[hmmwhoknows]

Ok... An update:

 

So, I sent her a letter in early April, saying that I would like to see her again, and that I wanted to start a dialogue. No reply. A month later, I called her for the first time. Twice. No response.

 

However, the next day she called me back. We talked for FOUR hours! I didn't expect to ever talk to her again, so I was completely taken aback. I asked her if I visited Australia, would she meet up with me. She said no. Fair enough, I guess. I found out that she had, indeed, found someone else, and had pretty much broken up with me for him (ouch). While this hurt like crazy, at least it makes a lot more sense than all the dumb reasons she gave initially. Also, when we spoke she was on a ten day break with the new dude. Apparently, she found out that he had hooked up with one of her best friend's younger sisters, and everyone had known but not told her (this occurred before they started dating). Well, I sure never got the option of a break, and I dated her longer than this guy, even in an LDR. This just goes to show her lack of trust, and that she can't seem to handle someone's past.

 

The most confusing thing about our conversation was that after we got all the emotional, conflicting stuff out of the way, we talked a lot about our lives and how they were going. She still wants to move away from Australia (so why she started a new relationship I don't know), and I am moving to New York City. I told her about my newborn nephew, about my sister's wedding, everything. We got to talking about where we want to travel, about politics and world events. I never thought I'd hear her laugh again. And we did a lot of laughing. An extremely bizarre experience, to say the least. It kind of reminded me of why we started dating in the first place, and why we hit it off immediately when we met. I know she dumped me, and that I may never forgive her for that. But I never connect with anyone like I do with her. Maybe a handful of times in my life have I been able to have conversations like I do with her. The tone of our conversation changed immensely over the course of it.

 

Now I don't know about anybody else here, but a four hour conversation is an enormous amount of time to talk someone for me. I haven't had a conversation that long since I was 16, if then. If I was a dumper, I can pretty positively say that I wouldn't talk to someone I dumped for four hours.

 

She maintained that she had moved on, and that all she could offer was friendship. Not exactly music to my ears, but quite surprising still. She isn't friends with anyone she's been romantically involved with. Alternately, I've never really reached out to an ex or had one reach out to me, especially not this soon after the fact. She said a couple of odd things, like 'It'd be great to travel with you again' and 'Call me if you need to vent.' Yeah RIGHT! Like I would call her to vent about her breaking my heart.

 

Two days later, she added me on facebook. She has no relationship status, or photos of her new life with her new boyfriend. That doesn't say much, it's only facebook and she's not even that active. But I certainly didn't think I'd ever be added back on to facebook by her. A few days later she sent me a message saying how nice I looked in pics with my nephew.

 

Also, this girl has started smoking the occasional cigarette, which is crazy since she DID NOT smoke when we dated. But she can't find Camels in Australia very easily (we talked about this on the phone). Camel is a recurring theme, because it's my brand of choice, she even bought me a dutyfree carton for part of my Christmas present. After she added me on fb, she also became a fan of Camel cigarettes. So, a few days later I express mailed her a pack, and a Zippo lighter.

 

She didn't expect it, and sent me a very thankful text. We have exchanged the occasional text since then. So I guess you would call it Low Contact for two weeks, after a period of NO CONTACT for 3 months.

 

I have no idea whether she's back with her boyfriend or not, although I can say that this woman has no idea what she really wants. I'm not holding out too much hope, she's made it clear she doesn't love me. But I also feel that she is confused, and that she's having a major quarter life crisis. I think the conversation made us both question our feelings towards each other.

 

She wants to go to Sardinia, or even Croatia (she has citizenship there) over the summer. I have the funds. If I play my cards right, maybe I'll get to see her again in person. Because I can't go my whole life without seeing this person again, she meant too much to me. And I'd rather go to the Mediterranean than Western Australia!

 

I'm still hurting a lot, and am very confused. I don't know if having contact is making it easier or harder to get over her. But I do feel slightly better after this experience, wherever it may lead. Which is probably nowhere, but at least I tried, huh?

 

Feel free to add your thoughts, people. I haven't posted on this subject in a month!

[hmmwhoknows]

Really, nothing? I won't have a computer this weekend and was hoping by the time I got back Sunday night there'd be some good advice or something awaiting me...

[stormie]

Two days later, she added me on facebook.

 

We have exchanged the occasional text since then. So I guess you would call it Low Contact for two weeks, after a period of NO CONTACT for 3 months.

 

She wants to go to Sardinia, or even Croatia (she has citizenship there) over the summer. I have the funds. If I play my cards right, maybe I'll get to see her again in person.

 

 

 

These three points here are your major trump cards. If you can manage to see her in Croatia, that would be awesome for you. I suggest - keep sending the occassional friendly text just so she can have you under her radar.

 

"Like" some of her posts on facebook, but don't be a maniac and go all out.

Remember, girls don't like "nice guys" who will do just about anything for them.

 

Before you know it, late spring will be here and you can casually lay the bomb on her: Would you like to travel to Croatia in the coming months... I can certainly use a vacation....

 

 

And I'd rather go to the Mediterranean than Western Australia!

 

Just wondering - why is this?

 

 

I'm still hurting a lot, and am very confused. I don't know if having contact is making it easier or harder to get over her.

 

Well, keeping contact is definitely going to be painful if she's not interested. However, that is a choice that you risk taking. If you want her that bad then you risk the pain if it fails. It's really that simple. It's like investing in a business - if it fails and you lose money, well it was your risk. That's just how life is.

[hmmwhoknows]

Well, Western Australia would be cool, it's just a horrendous amount of traveling to get there! Europe isn't as much of a trek.

 

I'm going to continue on the low contact path and see where it takes me. I'm trying to make those trump cards work for me. I already took the risk of contacting her, and it worked out surprisingly well.

 

Funny, I was talking last night to a friend who has met the ex (we went to Europe together last summer, he was on the boat trip where I met her). He can't believe she got in touch with me. Whether it's for the best or not, everyone is surprised by what's happened.

[hmmwhoknows]

I'm going to keep bumping this thread in the hope that someone will have some kind of advice/criticism/praise(ha!)/insight.

 

Sent her an email with a music video I thought she would like, she replied saying that she listened to it about 20 times at work. We always connected over music.

 

So weird. I think she's back with her rebound right now though. God, I hope it doesn't work out. Whether she ever gets back with me or not is irrelevant, I just don't like the idea of having a rebound. People need to learn to be alone for a while, it's good for self-discovery.

[hmmwhoknows]

Ok, I officially give up on this thread. I'm not much of a poster and don't feel like starting any new threads, this one already has my whole story. I must admit that I'm somewhat discouraged by the lack of response, I guess I'm not very interesting or something.

 

Peace.