LDR Breakup. Thoughts?

[hmmwhoknows]

I tried to make this short...

I dated a woman for 6 months long distance (Australia to America). We met over the summer while on holiday. I was 22, her 24. It was an instant attraction, physically and emotionally, and after we parted ways on the trip we kept in touch everyday. She was (is) independent, motivated, and smart, and drop dead gorgeous. We planned a trip together, and 2 months after we first connected I met her again in person. We had a week with each other. During this week, which was lovely, we decided to pursue a long distance relationship.

There were ups and downs, some trust issues on her side (not sure why, I have never cheated on anyone and never will). Regardless, overall things seemed good to me. Our birthdays were both very special events, as was Christmas. We lavished each other with presents, post cards, and random things in the mail throughout our time dating. Emails, phone calls, and texts were daily.

At the end of December she bought a plane ticket to visit me for 2 weeks in March. I was crazy with excitement to see her again. Admittedly, January turned out to be a rough patch. I guess she was becoming more detached, but I didn’t realize it at the time. I assumed that since she bought the plane ticket, she was as crazy about me as I was about her.

The first week of February, she called me and said that we couldn’t date anymore, that we were simply too different to be together. She included many character flaws she saw in me as justification for breaking up. I was not lucky enough to get the ‘It’s not you, it’s me’ line. Apparently, it was ALL me. Needless to say, she didn’t visit me.

This could be construed as a fling by some, but the fact is that we were very serious, talked about children: the works. She sent my mother a Christmas card, was Facebook friends with my family, etc.

A week after she dumped me, I asked for a second chance via email, and she (somewhat politely) completely rejected it. I sent her one last brief email, this time an angry one, to which she replied angrily back. I haven’t heard from her since, and it’s been 2.5 months. I sent her a handwritten letter 2 weeks ago, not asking for a second chance or pointing any fingers, but basically trying to start some kind of dialogue. I don’t expect a response.

I’ll always wonder what happened in the month that passed between her buying the plane ticket and her breaking up with me. I have no idea. She sent me a Valentine’s Day card 3 days before the breakup (‘Seeing you soon,' she wrote), and it arrived afterward. At this point the lack of closure and the fact that I’ll never see her again is driving me crazy.

Any ideas? And for the record, before anyone suggests otherwise, she DID buy the ticket. I had the itinerary, and everything was confirmed online.

Can't stop dreaming about her, I don't fall in love easily and this whole situation blew up in my face.

[bluen]

I find myself sympathetic to your situation. I was dating this girl for year before she left to continue her education accross the country. We did long distance for 2 months before she decided to end it. This was roughly 5 months ago, and while it doesn't hurt as it once did, I find myself still dealing with the aftermath of how it all went down. It came out of no where, I went to visit her a week before and everything appeared to be ok and then BAM. Like you, in the end all she could do was attack my character in the nastiest way possible and hearing her say the things she said, I am still hurt by it. We all heal at our own pace, I don't know if it will get easier or harder for you but it simply has to take time. I've been searching for answers that I will never get and the sooner I accept that I will never get them, the better off i'll be, I hope. Keep yourself busy and do your best to look forward. Not having the person in the same city as you is somewhat of a blessing because no matter how much you'd want to run into them, you know deep down that its a relief that you won't have to. Stay strong, I am sorry your going through this. PM me if you need to chat.

[hmmwhoknows]

Thanks bluen, I didn't date this girl for very long but my feelings for her were really strong. I thought it was fate at work that we met so randomly on our separate vacations. The week we spent together (when I went BACK to Europe to meet up with her) was the happiest week of my life. In fact, when she dumped me she mentioned it was the happiest week of her life too...(?)

Crazy how fast they change their minds some times. Usually we're told that girls make their minds up about breaking up with someone months before they actually do it. So the whole buying a ticket and then bailing soon after thing was not something I ever expected. Pretty cold.

I'm healing as well as I can, but this is taking a long time. Thank you for your kind words.

[lostinlove2010]

I'm a woman in a LDR. I'm thousands of miles away from my boyfriend and it's really hard. You have to really be committed and it's easy to start doubting the situation. Maybe the idea of being so committed to someone so far away started to scare her.

 

The thing is you can't force her to explain her actions and the more you try to force communication the more you may push her away. Try not to contact her and see if she contacts you.

 

I know how frustrating and sad it can feel to know that you may not get to speak to her again, but the only thing that will likely make it better is time. As time goes on it will hurt less and less and eventually you will find a great girl (close by) who is ready to be committed to you. Hang in there.

[hmmwhoknows]

Aside from the letter, I have not contacted her in any way since a week after the breakup. I have respected her decision. I don't think I could push her away anymore than she's already pulled away.

Lostinlove, I agree, LDRs take a lot of commitment. She must have had an incredible amount of doubt when she dumped me. But what made her buy the ticket so soon before? Indecisive to say the least.

[hmmwhoknows]

insight/opinions are welcome... anyone else experience something similar?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

It is very possible she couldn't handle the distance, didn't see a future in a relationship where people live on the opposite side of the world. It was totally classless of her to give you a laundry list of your faults according to her..but that was how she was able to justify what she was doing. She may have met someone else in her hometown. I think it is best to chalk this up to distance and move on with your life. Realistically the distance would not have made it very easy and the relationship probably would have broken apart sooner or later. Better sooner than later.

[hmmwhoknows]

You're right. And I'm moving on, the best I can. But don't you think that blaming it on the distance is almost too simple? It's not as if either of us was stuck permanently where we were. Relocation would've been possible. Oh well, sooner rather than later. I just wish the whole thing hadn't happened. I put so much of myself into it. I wish she hadn't bought the plane ticket, and then completely changed her mind so soon after.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Long distances are indeed workable when two people are committed...but holiday romances rarely work out long-term, especially when the distance is so great. People on holiday are living in a fantasy world so it is easier to "fall in love" because you are away from the realities of your respective lives. The fantasy lives on for a few months after the vacationers go home to their respective countries but eventually reality sets in and just how unworkable it is or just how different the two people are start coming to light. What happened here is very typical of vacation romances and how they ultimately fizzle, particularly if the distance is great.

[Ms Darcy]

I hope my response comes off as unkind, but I think this is one of those situations where you two had an incredible chemistry but there was not enough substance to back it up. Ups and downs, early trust issues, rough patches aren't exactly indicative of long-term compatibility and add distance to a relationship that hasn't even gotten off the ground and it's likey to crash and burn.

 

I'm sorry to say these things, but I do hope they can help you to move on a little. It doesn't seem like you really knew her - long distance texts and cutsey cards aren't knowing someone's soul inside and out. It seems like you fell in love with an idea(l) and that can be hard to live up to.

[stormie]

I am so sorry to hear of your loss! I can already imagine how gorgeous she is and how exciting this must have been for you. I have a group of girlfriends in Australia - and they're all physically attractive and very down to earth, so I know that you're not exagerating by any means.

 

Anyway, I really do feel for you. I agree with crazyaboutdogs that your ex wasn't polite telling you what your flaws are... especially if everyone has them... I'll add that I find it suspicious not to mention crass with the way she dumped you practically from one month to the other.

 

I dont know enough details of what your supposed flaws are, but what I do know is that when people dump you in short notice, it only shows that they've been unhappy for a while - long enough to give *themselves* enough time to cut off emotionally without being heartbroken (like you are) or missing the person.

 

I highly doubt that your so called flaws are what made her "unlove" you. She may have used your flaws to justify the breakup. When people love, they accept you for you. I would have to speculate (and this is just a guess), that she either met someone else, or that her friends and family discouraged her somehow.

[hmmwhoknows]

Strange that it took so long to fizzle. While we met on vacation, I also saw her again on a separate holiday. It was 2 months after the first time, and is when we really got to know each other. It wasn't fizzling when she booked the flight just before the New Year, in fact she seemed to love me deeply at that point.

Argh, I wish I'd stood a fighting chance. She'll always be the one that got away, because I had never felt such a strong connection with someone. In my whole life. I've thought about visiting Australia because I have many friends there. Mutual friends with her, actually. We all met on a week long boat trip. But I don't think I can visit Australia until I'm over this girl.

[stormie]

Strange that it took so long to fizzle. While we met on vacation, I also saw her again on a separate holiday. It was 2 months after the first time, and is when we really got to know each other. It wasn't fizzling when she booked the flight just before the New Year, in fact she seemed to love me deeply at that point.

Argh, I wish I'd stood a fighting chance. She'll always be the one that got away, because I had never felt such a strong connection with someone. In my whole life. I've thought about visiting Australia because I have many friends there. Mutual friends with her, actually. We all met on a week long boat trip. But I don't think I can visit Australia until I'm over this girl.

 

Go on another boating trip

 

has she dropped you off facebook?

[hmmwhoknows]

Ms Darcy, while I think you are right, I don't want you to think that the 'ups and downs' were any more common than that of a normal relationship. She was my best friend the entire time, and I knew her as well as I possibly could with such distance. I guess I didn't really know her, because there were obviously things she wasn't communicating to me, but in many ways I was counting on her visit to show that we truly are compatible. Because when we were together in person, everything was wonderful. It was what dreams are made of.

 

Stormie, thank you for all your kind words. Indeed, Australians are tons of fun, are down to earth, and are often very pretty. I agree that there's a good chance there was another guy, or pressure from her family and friends. Really, I think her family was supportive of me (at least initially), so friends probably had a lot of influence.

[hmmwhoknows]

Oh yeah, she dropped me off facebook, deleted photos of our trip, etc. Strangely enough, she's become a 'fan' of the hostel we stayed at together. Which I was a fan of first (wasn't trying to be passive aggressive, I'm a fan of several hostels I've stayed at).

[stormie]

Oh yeah, she dropped me off facebook, deleted photos of our trip, etc. Strangely enough, she's become a 'fan' of the hostel we stayed at together. Which I was a fan of first (wasn't trying to be passive aggressive, I'm a fan of several hostels I've stayed at).

 

That must have hit you like a ton of bricks.

 

Maybe her close friends and family don't like Americans much? I know that Americans can come accross as arrogant. One of my good friends (good friends for many years) is actually australian, and she sure let me down on that scoop. She said people get the impression that Americans are fake with their materialism and their not "being real". It's a "tall poppy" syndrome. Have you ever heard of that? Not to say that you do per se, but being familiar with that culture myself, maybe that's part of what happened

[hmmwhoknows]

What hit me like a ton of bricks? The fact that she became a fan of the same hostel? Or the fact that she deleted me and everything about me? Because I deleted everything on my fb page that would remind me of her as soon as the breakup happened. At that point her fb was deactivated so I didn't think she would even see it.

As far as Australian attitudes toward Americans, I don't think that's what it was. Most people in the world have some ill feelings toward America, but I've traveled a lot and have never had a problem. I don't think I'm the arrogant, materialistic kind. I'm pretty familiar with Aussie culture myself at this point, and I don't think it was a factor. But it could have been, I have no idea.

One other thing, in the aftermath of being dumped I became a fan of some other pages, such as 'Hi, I wasted a very long time liking you' and 'I'm not saying I don't like you anymore, I'm just done chasing after you.' I did this before she had reactivated her fb account, so as far as I know she wasn't even on fb at that point. It seems dumb now but I was trying to heal by joining these pages and reading like-minded people's comments.

Her younger sister became a fan of both these pages. And of 'Sweet Tea,' which as far as I know is only consumed in the American South...

[stormie]

What hit me like a ton of bricks? The fact that she became a fan of the same hostel? Or the fact that she deleted me and everything about me?

 

when she deleted the pictures from the trip and dropped you from FB. That would hit anyone who was in any serious relationship like a "ton of bricks"

 

 

But it could have been, I have no idea.

 

This is the problem - people who are dumped shouldn't have to guess. This is why I see the problem coming from her end. If she's unable to communicate with you (with the purpose of improving a relationship) what her concerns are and during the relationship, then maybe she shouldn't be in a relationship to begin with.

[hmmwhoknows]

Stormie, I like the way you think. I shouldn't have to guess!

And I don't think she is happy enough with her life and the way it is going to be in a relationship either. At the time of the breakup, she had just gotten a new job after quitting one she had had for only a few weeks. Last I heard (from a mutual Aussie friend) she was unemployed. Not as big a deal in Australia as here in America, with our dumb recession, but still. She can't decide what she wants and bails at any sign of trouble. And you can't love someone else until you can love yourself.

At the same time, this mode of thinking sometimes leads me to false hope. As in, 'Well, she's not ready to be in a relationship now, but some day she might be.' I wanted to marry this girl with all of my heart, I accepted her just as she was, so it's hard to convince myself to completely give up hope. I have given up about 90% of the way, but that other 10% continues to eat away. The only thing that will change that is time. Lots of it.

[Ms Darcy]

Ms Darcy, while I think you are right, I don't want you to think that the 'ups and downs' were any more common than that of a normal relationship. She was my best friend the entire time, and I knew her as well as I possibly could with such distance. I guess I didn't really know her, because there were obviously things she wasn't communicating to me, but in many ways I was counting on her visit to show that we truly are compatible. Because when we were together in person, everything was wonderful. It was what dreams are made of.

 

Hey bud, have you every heard of the honeymoon phase? I dated a guy for 8 months. Our 'honeymoon' was maybe 3 months or 4 months. I used to think he was perfect for me. I now can't imagine how I dated him. The honeymoon phase is often a trick of the brain, making you think you are compatible and in-love when you are simply chemically attracted and getting along well.

 

Now, I think we're having an interesting two-sided discussion about communication. She didn't during the relationship but boy did she at the end. No, it probably wasn't nice that she gave you a laundry list of faults, but I think they are your clues that she was - for whatever reason - really annoyed and unsatisfied with things.

 

I can't even imagine going for an LDR with someone I just met while in my early 20s. Too much distance without a solid history. I actually think the distance might have made it last longer than it might have if there was constant contact. Relationships that start with a bang often end just as quickly.

[hmmwhoknows]

Yes, I've heard of the honeymoon phase. I hear what you're saying, and it was a factor, but like all situations this was very complex.

And the laundry list of my faults will never justify what was, to me, an extremely cruel way to end things. 'It probably wasn't nice.' Yeah, to say the least.

If she was so annoyed and unsatisfied for SOOO long, then she shouldn't have made the commitment of buying a ticket. Because that is the most misleading thing she could have possibly done.

It's fine that you can't imagine going for an LDR while in your early 20s. Unfortunately I already took that risk. I can't change it now, but I wish I could.

[stormie]

Stormie, I like the way you think. I shouldn't have to guess!

 

hahaha, yeah, well i only think like this cause i've had such a horrendous time with two of my past relationships that I think I'm experienced enough to write a book on heartbreak.

 

 

I wanted to marry this girl with all of my heart, I accepted her just as she was, so it's hard to convince myself to completely give up hope. I have given up about 90% of the way, but that other 10% continues to eat away. The only thing that will change that is time. Lots of it.

 

Did you really really want to marry her?? I mean, are you really in love with her?? If you are, I'll tell you a little secret. Women love attention and pampering. (not begging or low self confident s*%t).

 

Now I know I may sound a little drastic here, and other people may not agree with me, but if you love her that much with all of your heart, why not chase after your dream? Show up by surprise and ask her to marry you directly - none of that Internet or mail crap that's become so cliche. lol, remember the movie, "the wedding singer"? Anyway, be creative, make something nice for her and yourself. Not to be a stalker... Maybe your mutual friends can help... Your self esteem may take a dive if things don't work out, but you know, life is all about taking these types of risks.

[hmmwhoknows]

Wow Stormie, between you and Ms Darcy I don't know what to feel!

Yes, I really want to marry her. I am in love with her. Just as many people on this site are in love with people who dumped them. But it's been 2.5 months with no contact, what chance would I have? If she wanted to contact me she would've already.

I've thought plenty about what you suggest, and 'The Wedding Singer' is one of my all time faves, haha. At times I think I should have caught the next flight to Australia as soon as she broke up with me. But I didn't.

It's just that we didn't date that long, and I have no idea how she feels at this point. I'm afraid of being rejected once again. I mean, she canceled her flight to avoid seeing me!

Ach, what to do. It's such a huge risk. I even avoided posting on the 'Getting back together' page because the consensus is that when it's over, it's usually quite over. Girls don't change their minds often once they've made the decision. They certainly haven't in my experience.

But what do I know?

[BellaDonna]

Moderator Note: The 2 threads on this topic have been merged into one. Please see the forum rules for posting on enotalone. Re-posting duplicate threads is not permitted.

 

[stormie]

I reread your first post and there is something definitely suspicious with her buying a ticket and then cancelling out on you on short notice. Tickets from oz to usa are rather expensive (not so much the other way around).

 

But getting back to the subject (yes i'm bored at work LOL), it's completely up to you. What can you deal with more? In all honesty, rejection is really a state of mind - as long as you have an excellent support group, you should be fine.

 

BTW, my brother had two experiences with LDR's. The first, the girl broke up with him and he went after her. When he went to visit her at her home, she opened the door and there was another man there. He simply sucked it up and went about his life.

 

His second LDR, was with a much more gorgeous and younger woman. She also dumped him (I guess no one likes LDR's), and when she did this, he went to visit her in person, and well, today he's married to this woman. In fact, they have a child - my nephew - together. He's very happy with her as she is with him.

 

I don't know - me being you - i'd take the risk of asking her in person. Just make sure you don't come accross as a stalker...