I am in denial.

[moyno85]

Hi guys.

 

I've posted here a few times in the past but I'll give a quick background:

 

My ex and I had an intensely close relationship for 3 years. After a stupid drunken night out I cheated on her. I was confused and thought I may even have had feelings for the other girl so I broke up with her. It was a really clean easy breakup and everything was fine, we were still good friends.

 

Two weeks later I felt I had to tell her what I did. I thought it was the right thing to do, but many people have said I only did it to make myself feel less guilty. This may be true but all it ended up doing was making me feel so guilty and depressed it has driven me to the brink of emotional insanity.

 

I told her and she was gutted, she was in so much pain. Words cannot describe how much remorse and regret I felt at that moment and have been feeling for the past year.

 

She found a new boyfriend 3 weeks later, an old friend of hers. They are still together today.

 

I have spent every ounce of my strength over the past year thinking about her and trying to make it up to her with letters, painting - everything I felt was right but have since been told was the wrong thin to do.

 

For the course of the past year she has told me things aren't very serious with this new guy and she is nowhere near as close to him as we were. I asked her many times over the past year if she still loved me and she could never say no. She told me time and time again that she didn't want to get back together now as she was still angry and it would jeopardize a future together.

 

So she wanted a future together. I didn't know what to do, so I spent the past year waiting and trying to help her get over it. Then one day she mysteriously cut contact. (Turns out later her sister told her to)

 

We both recently moved to different cities and the last I spoke to her she said she doesn't have romantic feelings for me anymore.

 

I'm trying to move on but I am stuck. I just can't accept it. It sounds really lame and pathetic but I am convinced deep down she still loves me and I feel like my whole life is just waiting for her to break up with this new guy so she realises she still loves me.

 

I'm pretty sure I am massively in denial. Can someone please help me and give me an insight into this? I have spent the last year crying over her in private and waiting to see if things would turn around and now it looks like they never will.

 

By my own decision I haven't spoken to her in 5 weeks and things don't seem to be getting better. I'm not moving on.

 

Any advice would be much appreciated.

[chevcamaro18]

You seem to have two things I think are really hurting you.

 

1-You havent forgiven yourself for cheating on her. You need to forgive yourself and let it go. People make mistakes. A lot of people arent brave enough to admit to them. You were! You should be happy about that. Its hard that it contributed to the end. But really....if she was so crushed and then just found some new guy in only 3 weeks...there are some issues with her. She didn't even take time to heal from it.

 

2-You are in denial. You really need to try your best to just let go and realize its time to move on. I am in the stage right now. I know it is REALLY hard.

 

Things won't get better until you really want them to. You really need to want to let go of this. Look how long its had you feeling this way. You don't deserve that. Forgive yourself and start focusing on letting it all go. I know its really hard...but there is only one way to do it.

[moyno85]

Thanks chev, really.

 

I was half-expecting more "you cheated, you deserve it" comments but what you said there was pretty insightful. Thank you.

[jenmar]

read this thread- it says a lot about the voice telling you she will come back

 

 

Don't beat yourself up over what happened, everyone is human, you admitted you were wrong, even came clean about it, that speaks volumes for your conscience. Do I think the actual cheating part was right? No. however its only a mistake if you do not learn from it. Just try to grow from this experience.

I know it is hard to let go, but everything happens for a reason- The next time you are in a relationship I would be willing to bet that you wouldn't risk losing that person over some drunken one night stand.

this will make you stronger in the end.

I promise.

[yonanz]

Learn to forgive yourself. you made a mistake, and a terrible one at that. but dont beat yurself over it. what has happened has happened; you cant change it but you can sure learn from it. that's why we say love is a matter of experience; we get better and better after each and every r/s. we learn the consequences of cheating, we learn the pain of heartbreak, we understand the importance of communication only through past experiences. rmb also that it is only human to err.

 

 

rmb, life is to be learnt backward but lived forward. you might have made a terrible mistake but you gotta learn from it and then move forward. acknowledge that what you have done was genuinely wrong and terrible and it may have cost you this girl forever but take comfort in the fact that at least you wouldnt be so stupid as to make the same stupd mistake again the next time a girl comes along into your life. this time round you just have to accept the consequences.

 

face the reality and understand that this girl will never come back to you anymore. learn from this and do it better the next time when another girl comes along.

 

cheers and stay strong!

 

to end it off with a quote "whatever mistakes, regret you have had for the past years, the future still lies ahead of you unblemished. draw and line and tell yourself that your future starts NOW!"

[moyno85]

Hey guys, thanks a million for the understanding and support.

 

Just a quick update.

 

After 43 days no contact I crumbled and called her to see how she was going.

 

She sounded really excited to talk to me and told me all about her recent trip to China with her family. After a really friendly happy chat I inevitably turned the topic to our relationship. The last time I spoke to her almost 2 months before she said "I don't have romantic feelings for you anymore". This time she told me about how she would wake up at 3 in the morning thinking about how our relationship ended and start crying and would feel rubbish all day.

 

I asked her if she forgave me and she said that after all I had done to try and make things better that she did. She really meant it.

 

She started crying to me on the phone and I asked her if she thought we had a future together. After a long silence she said she didn't know. We spoke for a pretty long time and I managed to lighten to the conversation up after that with a few jokes and we said goodbye on a really good note.

 

All in all even though its been a year I guess maybe it just hasn't been long enough. I don't want to put my life on hold and I'm not holding my breath but its nice to know that there is still a small window of hope.

 

Thanks again for listening guys.

[yonanz]

hey great to hear this. its all a gd sign. but rmb do not rush things. go easy and slow, and dont add pressure on her. and also rmb, try to minimize mention about the r/s and the hurt and the cheating. dont bring up the bad past, it will trigger the hurt and the bad memories.

 

gj buddy!

[moyno85]

hey great to hear this. its all a gd sign. but rmb do not rush things. go easy and slow, and dont add pressure on her. and also rmb, try to minimize mention about the r/s and the hurt and the cheating. dont bring up the bad past, it will trigger the hurt and the bad memories.

 

gj buddy!

 

 

hey, thanks for that yonanz. Just quickly, what does "r/s" mean? I can't keep up with the abbreviations on this site.

 

Also, I'm just wondering what I should do now. Do you think the best thing to do is just to keep up no contact and see how things go?

 

She is still with the new boyfriend but if she is still feeling really down about our breakup that can't be a good sign can it?

 

-m

[hmmwhoknows]

moyno85:

 

Haha, I saw 'to see how she was going' and immediately thought Aussie, then looked and saw that you are one. My ex is from Perth and would always ask me 'How are you going?' It sounds weird to American ears (as opposed to 'How are you doing'), so I would say 'I'm going... well?'

 

I am also crumbling and wanting to call my ex-gf, but is it even worth it? I don't know. Go with your gut.

[abitbroken]

One thing: In the initial post she never said she wanted a future together

 

For the course of the past year she has told me things aren't very serious with this new guy and she is nowhere near as close to him as we were. I asked her many times over the past year if she still loved me and she could never say no. She told me time and time again that she didn't want to get back together now as she was still angry and it would jeopardize a future together.

 

Anger would jeopardize a future, but she didn't say she wanted a future, just that it would negate one. I know you were holding onto hope because of her word choice.

 

Anyway, I think the proper thing to do is to give her space and to get on with your healing. There are so many threads about people holding out and waiting for someone that they elevate in their minds as time goes on. Sometimes the hurt is too deep. It is clear that this young lady is still deeply, deeply hurt. be prepared that the additional time apart may very well not result in getting back together. People can forgive, but that forgiveness does not always mean that there will be a reconciliation or taking the person back. The two aren't always linked.

[moyno85]

damn, I was feeling pretty good about the future until you posted that. now I'm back to panic mode.

 

anyone have a positive take on the situation?