Co-parenting--Interfaith

[tnmom66]

I'm an American and a Christian. My child's father is a Turkish Muslim who has been here in the states for many years. We are not married and have no relationship beyond parenting our toddler. He is not observant of his religion (more of a cultural thing), so I haven't worried much. Of course, I and my family want our daughter to be a Christian and his family wants her to be Muslim. He told me that I could teach her what I believe and when she gets older he will tell her what he believes, and we will let her choose for herself. Of course, if she chooses for herself, she has other choices than 2, and may even choose to be an atheist, but we will respect her decision.

 

The problem is that his sister is soon to be moving nearby and I am afraid she will be more of a Muslim influence than I want. I am afraid she will try to interfere with the way I teach my own child.

 

My baby's grandmother is very devout and I admire her devotion and sincerity. I want my child to respect the feelings of her Muslim family members and to know about the religion. I want to be sensitive and respectful, myself.

 

The baby's father has asked me to not give the impression that the child is being raised "Christian". He has no objection to my taking the child to church, which I am thankful for. When I was pregnant and first talked to my baby's Muslim Aunt, she asked if I would mind if they shared stories from the Koran. I said no, I'd be glad for them to. I want my child to know the culture and be familiar with the religion. I want my child to know about other beliefs, too, besides Christianity and Islam.

 

I was wondering if anyone here has been in my shoes and may have advice?

[nimisaj]

I have advice... b/c I happen to be a mixed yolk, as they say. First of all, Dr. Oz on the t.v. show is I believe, Turkish Muslim. DeFINitely, Turkish.

 

Now, Turkish people are the most liberal of all the Muslim countries in the world. Yes, there are many happennings that occur there that are a little odd and so forth, but on the most part, if you do the research, and you should (if you have the time) -- you'll find out about the Secularism, the Religion, the practices and many other ways of life in that region.

 

Have you ever visited Turkey? It is a very beautiful country.

 

By the way, how can your husband's sister have so much influence? Why are you worried about a sister? I mean, you chose to marry him, right. Obviously, there were some excellent qualities that rendered him good enough to father a child.

[nimisaj]

I just re-read something and realised that the two of you didn't marry but were together... OK... I understand.

 

It should all work out. Being a mixed yolk, there were some family issues and so forth, but my parents have been married for years and years. There have been the ups and downs - but it can work. It really can if everyone tries and stuff. Don't worry. It's the Media portraying Muslims as barbaric/violent and backward that has everyone worrying. Blah blah blah. There are plenty of people raised as Muslims (like myself) that believe in God/ or a Spiritual Being and have a more laid back view of Islamic ways and the lifestyle. Yes, some are more devout than others. It's kind of complicated, I suppose.

 

Any questions, I'm here, if you need it.

[tnmom66]

nimisaj-

Thanks!

 

I have been slammed since I first announced that I was pregnant by family, friends, and even acquiantances who know the father is Muslim warning me about all sorts of things, that all Muslims are terrorists, he'll steal the baby away (Not Without My Daughter"), etc. I have always reassured everyone that Turkey isn't Iran, that the baby's Daddy isn't militant, is law-abiding and has no desire to live in Turkey again, etc.

 

I knew little about Turkey till I started dating this guy. I think the country is fascinating and I LOVE the food! I would like to go there someday.

 

I may be worrying unnecessarily. I am actually going to start getting counseling next week. I feel like we need family therapy, but he won't go. The man has many good qualities, but he seems like a stranger to me and I am not comfortable with the situation. The sister is very pushy and he assures me that she can't push him around, but I'm not sure. She doesn't like me much, it seems and I hope she won't make my life hard. It would be different if we were all friends, but that isn't the case.

 

I know there are many similarities between Christianity and Islam and I want my child to focus on those. I do. I am reading the Koran and it is nice to see things that I agree with. I want my child to read the Koran and the Bible. I want her to pray and she can fast if she wants, but I won't force her to do anything, other than to go to church with me. I told her Dad when I was pregnant that I wouldn't object to him taking her (we didn't know the sex at the time) to the mosque, but I would not take her without him. I don't see that happening with him.

[sidehop]

Definitely find the balance as different religions in families can cause issues really quickly.

 

For example my wife is Pagan (has nothing to do with witchcraft like people assume) so a lot of holidays are based on her belief. Not long ago we celebrated the Spring Celebration, she doesn't celebrate Easter. A lot of holidays based on cycle of life and nature.

 

We still celebrate Christmas and other non-Pagan holidays for the kids and celebrate other holidays when we can to provide a quality family (and sometimes with other friends) atmosphere.

 

The worst I think people can do is force any ideas and tell him/her that certain belief is 'wrong'. Let them decide on their faith for the future but like many religion, teach what would benefit them as they grow up.

[tnmom66]

We still celebrate Christmas and other non-Pagan holidays for the kids and celebrate other holidays when we can to provide a quality family (and sometimes with other friends) atmosphere.

 

The worst I think people can do is force any ideas and tell him/her that certain belief is 'wrong'. Let them decide on their faith for the future but like many religion, teach what would benefit them as they grow up.

 

My father is a preacher and we grew up being told by him that Christmas and Easter were PAGAN holidays. He would't let us have a Christmas tree most of the time.

 

I think what I will do is say, "This is what I believe and why..." rather than saying, "I'm right and anyone who thinks differently is wrong"--which is what some people do about lots of things besides religion. How do I know I'm right, anyway??? I COULD be totallly wrong, but I choose what I believe because it makes sense to me and feels right and I believe there are evidences to prove it is true.

 

I just hope the Muslim family members will say the same thing and NOT "You mother is WRONG! Jesus is not God's son and didn't die on the cross to redeem you from your sins." If they say, "We believe that Jesus was a prophet of God, etc." then I have no problem with that.

 

I kind of think it is stupid to argue over things you can't prove.

[sidehop]

I think what I will do is say, "This is what I believe and why..."

 

And people should respect that. There are too many translations and history that were lost, who knows what went on thousands of years ago before books and internet came about.

 

It's all about respecting one another's faith; even atheists. When people start pushing religion I always think of all the so-called Holy War and lives lost over 'what they believed in'. It's not pleasant for anyone who doesn't share the same views and values.