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For love or money?


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A very close of mine came over dinner last night. She dropped a bombshell on me and I am not sure how to react nor what to do.

 

My friend a single mother of 29, paying her own way through college, has always be strong on women rights and an advocate, has always been strong and independent, told me she has given up on relationships and going to be with someone just for the money.

 

She has had a hard life, abusive relationship since she was 16 has left her cold and jaded. I understand this, she told me she is tired and just going to give up. The sad thing is not going to be relationship, it is just going to booty call, he will not live with them, he will be free to come and go, as he pleases, but she must stay loyal to him.

 

It is not large amount of money, nor is true free ticket, just a down payment on house $10k or so.

 

Part of me wants to shake her, ask what she is thinking? What if she finds someone that she really loves and wants to be with him? How are you going to explain this to your son when he asks questions? What values imparting to your son? Should I give her the emotional support to fill her empty gap cause she has been calling more often than normal? What happens when he finds a "new girl"? What happens when he cuts off the support? How can I respect her when she tries to tell me that way I living my life is wrong, or not to the fullest?

 

I understand this is her life and her choices, but it just goes against everything she has ever stood for, and fought against.

 

I don't know what to do, should I just bite my tongue? Should I speak up and say you are making mistake? Should I just walk away ? As I said I am torn

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She will regret it. If I were you'd I'd fight against it with all my heart. There is nothing more heartbreaking then seeing a friend give up and put themselves in situations that are just unnatural to their normal personality. I guarantee that the moment it is settled she'll find someone. That is normally how it goes. Ask her if she will really enjoy being a prostitute? It may be contractual but she's still selling herself for money at the end of the day. The kinda thing that once you get into it will be VERY hard to get out. Money is enticing, especially as a single mother. At the end of the day she wont be fulfilled. The fact that you are close and that she has come to you is very important - it is as if she is crying out to you and you are possibly the only one who can convince her. Don't threaten to walk away. You are her rock at the moment if your willing to make the effort go to every length to save this woman from losing herself. She WILL find someone one day. 29 is NOT too late by any measure. A family friend found love at 35 and just had a baby. Took her a long time but she doesn't regret it!

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Should I give her the emotional support to fill her empty gap cause she has been calling more often than normal?

 

Then I would bet she is really reaching out to you, for someone (you) to convince her to not give up. She needs strength from someone who DOES CARE before she gives her life away to some strange man. YES please have an intervention with her, sit her down and talk to her about it all. Don't let her do this in her time of weakness. She needs to hang on tightly for herself and her son.

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Well, from a practical standpoint, slavery is illegal so she can choose at any time to stop this arrangement herself and there isn't anything the guy can do about it, especially if he doesn't make her sign a note for the $10K. She could take it and dump him the next day and he has no recourse since he can't well go to police and say his prostitute has bolted since he would be admitting to engaging in an illegal act.

 

So as long as this relationship is voluntary, and she is not receiving money every time she performs a sex act, then it isn't prostitution per se. But it IS a form of self betrayal if she is seeing it as exchanging sex for money, and in that case shouldn't do it...

 

And the truth is that MANY people's decisions are swayed by money or the choice to go with someone for the sake of security. So what she is doing is not that unusual, but her openly admitting that she is in the relationship only for the money is unusual, because most people are ashamed to admit that.

 

So i wouldn't look at her as a prostitute, i would look at her as an opportunist who has decided that money/security is very important to her, and if it means being with a guy with money to get that security, she is willing to make that tradeoff.

 

I think what will most likely happen in this scenario is that she will stay with this guy until she meets someone she likes better (or he does), then they'll just break up like any other couple would. So she is showing you that she has decided that a secure lifestyle and a home is more important than waiting for a true love. That choice might be driven by her childhood or jaded attitude, but really, it is HER choice and not the end of the world. Many people chase true love and still have it blow up in their faces, so you can't really determine what is right for someone else. She may end up really liking this guy, or he may like her. Or she may end up with a lot of his money, then eventually part on good terms with neither of them the worse for wear.

 

So if it were me, i'd tell her what i would do FOR MYSELF in that same situation, as in, i could never sleep with or be with a guy that i didn't have feelings for, money or no money, and that you want a relationship that is about more than money and are willing to wait to find that.

 

If she chooses differently, that is her choice, but it may or may not bring her happiness based on what is important to her. And that since this is strictly an 'arrangement' at this point, she needs to have a backup plan in case he dumps her and withdraws support. If a relationship is based strictly on money, it would be very easy for him to walk away when he finds someone he likes better, and do it in a heartbeat with no advance warning to her either.

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I know plenty of people who married for money or social status, or because they didn't want to be alone anymore, or because they wanted to be a mother or father, or to please their parents, or to please their religious community. I know plenty of people who embarked on relationships because the other person had money or social standing, or they didn't want to be alone, or they wanted a ready sex partner, or they were heartbroken over a breakup and needed someone else as an ego boost. In other words, money is not the only way that people "prostitute" themselves to others. Power, prestige, security, sexual availability, pleasing others, needing an ego boost, wanting children etc are all other motivations other than love and connection, that people use to embark on relationships or stay in bad, unhealthy relationships. What your friend is doing is no different from what many other people do but just don't talk about.

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I dated someone who had a choice between me and a woman with a ton of money, home on the beach etc. etc., and he chose the woman with money and married her. (I only found out about this later).

 

He is quite comfortable but NOT happy with her, because after a few years living a very luxurious lifestyle, in the end he comes home to a woman he is not particularly compatible with, and doesn't love. He came sniffing back around me again, and when I found out the timing of when he took up with the women, it is obvious that he left me for her, probably thinking he would end up loving her as much as he did me, but with all the bennies a rich lifestyle gives...

 

I know he has learned that money and toys doesn't make him happy and he regrets the marriage, BUT he is expressing that regret from a very comfortable point of view, and is still with her! So something in him NEEDS to feel secure, and lots of money is what makes him feel secure. He came from a poor background with lots of turmoil, so perhaps your friend is in a similar situation, where that security is really really important to her emotionally, more important than 'love'.

 

So i think life is ALWAYS about tradeoffs, and people need to know themselves very well in order to know what is important to themselves, and to be true to that. Perhaps she feels she is getting a better life for herself and her son, even if that means she's not 'in love' with the guy, perhaps they get along well enough to make it work.

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Vantage:

 

She is still a friend (you say she is a close friend?) and one does not renege on true friends, no matter what.

Maybe she will not go through with this idea. If she is set on it, (and personally I think 10K is far too little, and I am not being flippant here) then she will do it. As Lavender says, if she does not sign anything as in, a receipt for the money, then no way can the "benefactor" ask for it back.

 

On another note, what CAD says is, sadly, true.

 

 

Hermes

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