Want your opinion!

[Skeptic76]

Here it is as short and sweet as it can be:

 

I told wife a white lie (told her that a friend was asking for her RSVP to a party when she really had a few days left to RSVP because she is infamous for no call, no show and it embarrasses me) and then felt bad and stupid for lying, so I fessed up and asked what I could do to make up for it.

 

She replied that she needed "alone time"

 

I used my hotel reward points (I travel frequently for work) to get her a weekend away from myself and our two kids.

 

The afternoon she left I had fun with the kids, put them to bed and logged online to pay bills as it was my payday. When I went to pay her cell phone bill (the phone was in my name) I discovered that the Verizon online password had been changed.

 

Soon she txt me wondering "what I was doing to her phone?" (apparently she got a txt with a temporary password as a result of my attempts to log in) I told her I wanted to pay the bill, but password was changed - so she sent me the temp. password with explanation that she had guessed my secret question and changed the password in order to look at ringtones. I found this odd, because she could have just looked at ringtones on her phone (like she had in the past), and even if she wanted access to the verizon online, she could have asked me for password rather than "hack" it and not say anything.

 

Anyways, after I logged in and paid the bill I looked at her usage because I had the feeling something was weird... I found that on my previous two business trips there were many (sometimes five a night) phone calls in the middle of the night (ranging from 11p to 3a) between her and another number. These calls occurred every night I was gone except for one, and there were ZERO calls any time I was at home. There were also more txts between her and the number over the past three weeks than there were between her and I over the last two months.

 

At this point I am very suspicious, do a reverse phone lookup and find that the strange number is a guy she went to high school with and is friends with on Facebook.

 

I check her internet history and see that she never looked at ringtones on the Verizon site. I also see that she has frequent contact with this guy online.

 

I called her and told her that I knew about this guy and that she should come home immediately (she was at a hotel about 30 min. away) because I didn't want to talk about it over the phone or via txt. She refused to come home. She told me this guy lives in Louisiana, but I can see that the calls did not originate there. She acknowledges she told me that "to make me feel better."

 

FINALLY, because I booked the hotel room I see on the receipt they email me for incidentals that the first evening she was there, she ordered room service for two. This was before I called her....every meal in the restaurant or in-room thereafter was for 1. Additionally, over the weekend she spent over $700 in incidentals alone!!! She also purchased a netbook computer and got a tattoo (you would think she would tell her husband she was getting a tattoo) while she was gone.

 

She says I am paranoid and that everything is completely innocent. She has never given me serious reason to doubt her before this, but I am having a hard time accepting that there was nothing going on. If it was just an old buddy, wouldn't she mention that she reconnected? Do married adults have innocent "catch up time" on the phone with the opposite sex in the middle of the night ONLY when their spouse is away? IS SHE HIDING SOMETHING FROM ME OR COULD THIS BE ENTIRELY INNOCENT LIKE SHE SAYS?

 

-Skeptic

[comicgal]

That's crap. She's playing you and you need to kick her to the curb. My man tried to pull this same nonsense when I found out about the text messages.

 

No well-respecting man would be calling a married woman in the middle of the damn night.

[mca1975]

She is cheating on you, its all written right there in black and white on my screen. Everything points towards it. Kick her out and don't believe her excuses.

 

I don't know why you felt so bad about your little white lie, that was nothing, definitely nothing to have to make it up to her. Mind you, she probably kicked up a fuss about it so you two could argue so she could getaway.

 

Poor you, HUGS x

[Skeptic76]

BTW, the guy lives about an hour from us....a little less than that from the hotel. Is there ANYBODY who thinks this could be innocent?? Please take a moment to give a yea or nay!

[mca1975]

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. It all matches up (ie. the fact that there was suddenly only meals for 1 after your phone call - as she got scared and told him to leave in case you came over to the hotel). Did you ask her who the meals were for then, if she was there alone?

 

I really do think that she must be cheating x

[squirl]

How can you tell for a fact the room service the first night was for two people? Sometimes people order a lot of food when they splurge.

 

It is suspicious but as you two are married and have kids, you owe it to yourselves to get to the bottom of this before you accuse her.

 

The tattoo is lame, the calls and texts are suspicious, but Since you both seem in the habit of telling white lies and omissions, see what she says. If you are at the point of looking up phone bills, you both have some issues.

 

Definitely, the friend is a problem. She shouldn't have secret friends. This should go without saying, but people can rationalize all kinds of willfully dense blind spots. Dig into the dirt together and see what's up.

[Skeptic76]

When I finally capitulated and tried to talk on the phone with her, I never accused. I dealt ONLY in facts and "I feel" statements.

 

BTW, just for the record...I am not in the habit of being dishonest in any way. That is why I felt I had to clear the air right away about my white lie. In the past four years (since she got the cell phone) I looked at her usage only once before. Like I said, I've never had reason to be suspicious before. Normally I pay the bill and log off....

 

The room service states the number of guests on the receipt. When I asked the hotel manager and room service captain how that is determined, they told me that they ask EVERY guest that orders room service in order to bring the correct service (silverware, glasses, etc.) and also for marketing reasons (in order to know what to put on the menu and how much.)

 

I want very much to get to the bottom of this, but she refuses counseling and has turned the whole thing around on me. I have moved out and filed for divorce. Here in CA, you have six months until divorce becomes final....hopefully she will change her mind and come to counseling!

[Skeptic76]

You are correct about me having existing issues though....I have felt that the relationship is very one-sided for some time (approx. a year?) but felt that by giving 100% and being "super-hubby" and "super-dad" that she would change. In hindsight, I see now that I was very egotistical to think I could save the relationship alone. When I told her a year ago that I wasn't happy, I should have tried for counseling RIGHT THEN. My pride and sense of being OWED changes kept me from doing that. There are definitely two people involved here, but she seems unwilling to acknowledge ANY mistakes whatsoever. Doesn't matter how willing I am to look at my part if she won't admit her part....I'm back to the feeling of one-sided relationship.

[squirl]

You sound like you're taking personal responsibility for your part.

 

Did the phone calls and texts happen before or after you moved out? Who's looking after the kids?

[mca1975]

Don't blame yourself at all. She is selfish

[Speranza]

I'm sorry, I know you want us to say she might not be cheating but it seems unlikely. Are you going to counselling alone anyway?

[Skeptic76]

Phone calls and texts happened about two weeks before she said she needed alone time. We were still together.

 

I am not in counseling...just spent all my money on lawyer and getting a place of my own. Also gave her a large (40% of my income) support payment for this month so I can't afford it yet. But I am so sickened and confused right now (she is being very hurtful at the moment....) that I will certainly want some help making sense of this all.

[Skeptic76]

She has our kids. She is deciding (dictating?) a "visitation" schedule that severely reduces the amount of time the kids are used to seeing me. At least she has not refused to let me see them whatsoever. Nobody could deny that I am a loving, responsible and fun father. I have to sign off now and stop thinking about it for now...

 

I am trying to take the high road (have slipped a couple of times) through this, but she is being SO venomous....I don't want to be with anybody who is capable of being so cruel and apparently deceitful, but somehow I harbor this twisted hope that it will still all work out.....it's very painful.

 

Thanks for all the advice. I still want to hear more opinions on the original post? Is she telling the truth? Yes or no?

[squirl]

What is there anymore for her to be telling the truth about?

 

It seems pretty evident she had a visitor.

[mca1975]

She had a visitor, which she didnt tell you about. She doesnt care how you feel or how upset you are, she doesnt try in your relationship and she is being mean to you. Says it all really that you need to move on from her, difficult I know x

[OrangeMoon]

Sweety..i feel your pain.

 

Run for the hills from that woman..she's obviously a very confused and not to mention immature and mean spirited person if she's even using your kids against you..knowing the person you are and have been to your children and her..

 

Marriage is a two way street..not a one way. Don't let the confusion of the whole mess, your feelings of emptyness, etc make you think about getting back with her. People tell you all the time who they really are. She is showing with every breath and every action who she really is...it is up to you to finally see that.

 

If she would have been in any way sincere, or felt respect for you..than your conversations would have been entirely different...and that would have given you more ground to focus a reconciliation on.

 

However.....there is one mistake you should not make right now. If you are on a path of divorce. It is crucial that you make sure that you get the right legal support now.

 

If you have to borrow some money from friends or family to make sure your parental rights are secured..please do so. Don't trust that she will take your rights and feelings into consideration..because she's showing you already that she doesn't give a hoot about you. It's about you and your children now!

 

If your marriage could not be a downright success...make sure you have a good divorce for you and your kids sake. (and with good i do not mean necessarily amicable..because that is always hard at first..time will take care of that)

 

But to say this..i got suspicious of her intentions with you the moment you fessed up to an innocent white lie..and she needed 'alone time' by taking a hotel...what the hell was that! She totally used that moment to create some distance between you and her so she was free to engage in whatever inappropriate contact with her 'friend from the past'.

 

When you do get counselling..do it for yourself. To get some closure and to start anew once the divorce is done.

 

All the best to you...

[sahasupa]

You are correct about me having existing issues though....I have felt that the relationship is very one-sided for some time (approx. a year?) but felt that by giving 100% and being "super-hubby" and "super-dad" that she would change.

 

If you feel that the relationship has been on-sided for a year and felt the need to save it by being super-family man, the chances are that this relationship has been dead for quite some time. You did the right thing by filing for divorce. Whethet she acknowledgeds her mistakes does not matter at this point. She is history. Move on.

[browneyedgirl36]

EDIT: I didn't read to the end of the thread; therefore, my advice is kind of superfluous at this point, but I hope all works out for you!

 

Oh, goodness...this is not innocent at all.

 

She is definitely being unfaithful to you, and at the core of infidelity is deceit; she has engaged in numerous acts of deception: Taking advantage of the time you are on business trips to call and text this guy in secret; changing the online password for your cell phone account so that you cannot see her cell phone usage; needing "time away," in a hotel 30 minutes from you instead of sticking around to talk things out, or simply going for a walk until she cools down; ordering "room service for two" at her hotel; buying a new computer (presumably so that she can keep her activities with this guy online a secret from you); doing something pretty significant -- getting a tattoo -- without even mentioning it to you; refusing to come home to talk things out...the list goes on and on. There is absolutely nothing innocent about this; even if she hasn't physically been unfaithful (though the room service for two and a hotel 30 minutes from you suggest otherwise), she has definitely been emotionally unfaithful, and you need to confront her about it.

 

 

I am sorry you are going through this. My suggestion is that you call her, one more time, and insist she come home to discuss things in person. If she refuses, tell her that, upon her return, you will meet her at some location outside of your house (i.e. a coffee shop, restaurant, park, etc.) to discuss things -- that you do not want her to come back into the house unless/until you talk things over. If she refuses yet again and insists that you are making things up or that you have it all wrong, I seriously think you need to tell her that your marriage is over unless she is willing to talk about things. If she is willing to talk, hear her out, but...I can't imagine what she could say that could explain away her very shady behavior.

 

Marriages can survive infidelity, and some do, for sure, but...she is in serious denial. I hope, for your sake and your children's, that you don't simply take her word for it that her behavior is innocent -- it absolutely is not. Even without the physical component, emotional infidelity erodes trust and destroys relationships.

 

I hope everything works out for you. This is a terrible situation to be in.

[OntheWire]

This may be helpful:

 

 

 

Most people seem to assume that when one partner in a marriage strays, that it's the husband. Sometimes this is the case, but not always. Women cheat too and if you are a husband whose intuition is telling you that your wife has a lover, you'll want to know the signs of infidelity in women. Recognizing these warning signs is essential in order for you to get confirmation of the affair.

 

Like men, women tend to stick to a routine. If your wife has always kept the same work schedule, and it suddenly changes, this is a detail you don't want to ignore. She may claim that she now needs to work extra hours for a certain project. Unless this extra time is reflected in an increase in her pay, you probably have reason to worry.

 

Another one of the common signs of infidelity in women is an increased interest in her appearance. Many women who are smitten with a new man, will work hard to lose weight, or will try out a new hairstyle. Also pay attention to the way she dresses. If she wears more provocative clothing or decides to purchase several new pieces of lingerie, this may be an indication that she's trying to impress another man.

 

There are more subtle ways to determine whether your wife is committing adultery. Scent is one of the signs of infidelity in women that can't be ignored. Many men wear a particular cologne which is transferred to a woman they are being intimate with. If you greet your wife with a hug when she comes home pay special attention to any trace of cologne. Although she can explain it by saying she saw an old friend or relative that she hugged, don't let it pass you by.

 

Her telephone is full of clues that you can use to determine whether or not she is in fact being unfaithful. Even if you don't have direct access to her cell phone, you may be able to see her cell phone bill if it's on the same account as your phone. If this is the case, look for any unfamiliar numbers. Many women will use their cell to talk with their lover over fear of being caught on their phone at home.

 

You don't have to live with a cheating wife, but you will need proof of her infidelity before you make any drastic decisions. Consider the warning signs of infidelity in women and then see if any apply to your unique situation. If they do, set out on a path to get some evidence of her discretion, so you can confidently confront her with what you know.

 

Source: link removed

[Skeptic76]

Thanks for the advice all. Doesn't look like we've scored an "innocent behavior" vote yet. All friends and family (there are about six people I have shared the whole truth with) have told me the same things...but I felt like maybe they were "taking my side" or that my explanations of what happened were biased or emotionally charged and affected their responses; I wanted to anonymously test this out in the court of public opinion one more time before I work to cleanse myself of what is a seemingly very lopsided and unhealthy attachment to the idea of a happy ending.....

As a previous poster mentioned, I could totally get past one adulterous incident in the marriage if she was willing to work on the relationship together, but her insistence that (I QUOTE) "my feelings are ridiculous" and her inability to accept any responsibility whatsoever in this whole episode leaves me no choice but to leave her and start again.

 

Ungh.

[catfeeder]

For the record, when I go on a major food binge with room service, I ALWAYS say it's for 2 people. Why would I want someone to know that I'll be stabbing at all that food myself?

 

I'm not saying this to defend your wife, but there's no sense in feeding a fire with timber that maybe isn't.

[Sanesoul]

She is a manipulative cheater, borderline evil. She caused this mess, is projecting onto you, and now you are suffering.

 

Make sure you protect yourself and fight for your rights to see your children.

 

I have a sick feeling that she is going to use the kids against you and try to take you for all your worth, all the while screwing this "friend".

[mca1975]

There is nothing worse than being hurt by someone you love and being told that you are "being ridiculous" - thats manipulative behaviour. Best of luck to you, do what is right for you and the children as best you can and always wish her well, that way you know you dealt with it in a mature way, and you will be the better person. I hope you meet someone lovely in the future. Well done.

[Skeptic76]

Sigh.....thanks for all the feedback. I'm moving over to the "Divorce" forum

[Shortpants]

Skeptic -

 

I'm coming into this a little late, but I'm really sorry you are going through this with your wife. It does sound like she has been, at minimum, emotionally unfaithful, and quite possibly physically unfaithful. I recommend doing some reading here:

link removed

It is a great site that deals with both sides of infidelity and may have some usefull information to deal with what your wife is saying/doing right now and how to deal with the myriad of emotions you are feeling right now.

Again, I'm sorry and please stay strong for your kids, they will need your love and support just as much as you will need theirs in the near future. Take care!