How tricky was reconciliation process for you?

[Lucy1982]

I'm finding this so tricky! I'm pleased we've started the process but it still feels a little awkward. When we've spent time together it's great and with his friends it's great too and it's as if nothing has changed from before the split but I just don't know how to BE with him. I'm worried about contacting him, so much so that I haven't initiated any contact with him at all.

 

I just wondered how the process was/felt for those who have successfully reconciled? What are the stages you go through? I'm staying very patient but I am also fearful and would be grateful if people could share their success stories.

 

Thank you!

[MACaddict]

Yes, it is tricky. You still want to be yourself and if you want to contact especially now, it's normal to feel nervous. But of course you care about the relationship and you have to consider and work on the things that brought you guys to a split in the first place so it will not happen again. Same on his part.

 

Good luck and enjoy! It sucks not to be with the loved one!

[tattoobunnie]

Not with this one, but with others...some advice, if you both had said, "let's get back together, or let's try it out."

 

Straight off, never walk on egg shells...you will burn yourself out. Be upfront how you're feeling, suggest things to do, and have fun. Anything in the beginning is intensified, so one checking up text equals 5...take it one day at a time.

[Cognitive_Canine]

It was horrible. Never felt jealousy until I got back together. First 3 months were pretty bad. Insecurity went through the roof.

 

You just really have to forgive your partner for the breakup. And remember that they aren't in charge of your happiness. If I felt insecure, it was my duty to fix it. He couldn't apologize forever.

[Lucy1982]

Can anyone else offer any advice on handling this first stage of reconciliation?

[blahsquared]

Bump. Anyone have any thoughts?

[zinny]

I think reconciliations are so hard because of what Cognitive Canine wrote... you have to forgive the other person for the hurt, the pain and ultimately the break up itself.

 

In order to start again, not only do the reasons for the initial breakup have to be gone but you have to forgive and forget about the past. You have to start a NEW relationship from scratch and not just pick up from where the last broken one was. And that is more than just difficult to do.

 

That's probably why A LOT of reconciliations don't work..... When a couple gets back together... the dumpee is so thrilled - they walk on eggshells - do everything and anything from rocking the boat... They treat the dumper like they are god... OR vice versa if it was the dumper who felt they made the mistake and chased the dumpee back... In either case... the party who did more of the reconciling piece gives more and asks for less... because they don't want to go through the pain of losing that other person again. This works well for one party but not both... and it's not healthy. Eventually, the other person starts to become resentful or frustrated with not being able to be themselves... or having to always be compromising... things get ugly again and poof the reconciliation becomes a break up once again.

 

Maybe I'm just pessimistic, but this is what I've seen from the boards, from friends and with myself. I think getting back together with someone is ten times harder then dating them from the first time.... because you almost have to fake it more. You know what they want and you try to be that person.

 

So in my opinion... the only way to have a successful reconciliation is let go of the past but to also learn from it... and ensure that the reasons you broke up are gone NOT because the other person wants it gone, but because it's the best thing for BOTH parties and it's healthy. Oh and that in the end, you just HAVE to be yourself... a relationship with someone should make you secure in who you are, not make you want to walk on eggshells.... If they don't want you for who you are... then they aren't worth the effort in reconciliation.

 

So if you're not ready to forgive, not ready to work hard at eliminating the prior issues and not comfortable in being in your own skin around that other person - you're NOT ready for a reconciliation.

 

That's just my opinion.

[uncomfynumb]

You've got to talk about the breakup in detail and discuss the issues before getting back together, not after. If you do have this talk, then it usually eliminates the need to ask this question "How do you handle the reconcilation process?" It also eliminates the fear. The fear should no longer exist in fact, talking should have taken care of that.

 

If you feel that by doing so that you are going to put your relationship into jepoardy somehow, then that is a HUGE problem.

 

I'm all for taking it slow but I am not for walking on egg shells and trying to avoid uncomfortable topics for fear of rocking the boat. You simply can't have an open, healthy adult relationship like that.

[Saffron_]

You've got to talk about the breakup in detail and discuss the issues before getting back together, not after. If you do have this talk, then it usually eliminates the need to ask this question "How do you handle the reconcilation process?"

 

I'm actually inclined to disagree with this, as much as it makes sense. You said you told him you wanted to leave the past in the past, so to then go back and say 'now about the past', well he might be a mistake. If you do have any questions you feel you have to ask, I'd be direct and to the point. Don't drag things out and if he's unreceptive to any kind of talking, leave it. I don't think there's too much harm in leaving some things unsaid, especially when you're just getting used to being in each others company again.

 

The reconciliation process can be incredibly hard. You don't get much advice about it on here unfortunately and it's hard to find online. There's loads about 'how to get your ex back' but little on how to work on things once you've decided to give things another go. Shame that. Don't worry too much about anything right now, just know that the awkwardness and the fear you're feeling are completely normal. I don't know about 'stages' but be prepared for the first couple of months (at least!) to be a little off. Just try to have fun together without worrying where things are headed and try to ride out the rough times. If things are to work with the two of you, they should pass.

[Batya33]

When my husband asked if I wanted to try again (back when we had first started seeing each other again) it had been almost 8 years since the break up (we had been engaged in the past). I reacted by crying because I remembered how painful it was to break up back then and out of fear of going through that again for both of us. We probably didn't discuss the past enough but we also figured that since it was obvous we'd each changed so much, the former "issues" wouldn't be there or wouldn't be as strong. He said that he forgave me for what happened and we felt such a strong connection - in some ways actually stronger than the first time - neither of us wanted to pass up the opportunity to reconcile.

 

It was weird - in some ways it felt like square one, in other ways since we knew each other so well (although we'd only stayed in sporadic touch the past 8 years, no phone calls, only one quick dinner in person some years before) it felt like a continuation. But only in some ways. When some of the issues seemed to come up again, my approach was to be far more direct and open about it - but what helped was that I felt more comfortable being direct and open than I had in the past.

 

It also helped that our parents were delighted that we reconciled, and very supportive, and most of our friends were very enthusiastic too. There were zero issues on either side about contacting - we spoke every day (we were long distance) and I remember no concerns over "should I call" or "who called who last" - that part was very natural and comfortable.

 

I think it would have been wayyyy overkill to rehash every detail of the past and go over why it didn't work and all the unpleasant and bad memories.

 

Good luck!

[uncomfynumb]

I'm staying very patient but I am also fearful and would be grateful if people could share their success stories.

 

Thank you!

 

Saffron,

 

Do you suggest being in this state is the better option here?

 

Part of Lucy's problem was that she lost herself in this relationship. Telling her to ignore her own wants/needs is not good for her. What is going to happen, he breaks up with her again because she wants to talk about "the relationship" that she is scared? If you can't tell your BF/Friend/Lover that, if you can't talk to them, what in the hell are you with them for?

[coolchick64]

For me, things were tentative at first. We didn't spend as much time together as we had before the split. When we were together it was great, but I, too, tended to let him make contact first. Things gradually improved until about 3 months in, it seemed totally back on track. Everything was going amazingly well, in fact, for another 3 months. Unfortunately, he broke up with me again about a week ago. He claims it's because he plans to move to improve his career prospects--no complaints about me or the relationship--plus, he seems extremely depressed and confused. Anyway, that's for another thread!

 

As far as dealing with the past, we discussed things as they came up. In hindsight, I'm not sure that was the best strategy. However, I know that at the beginning of our reconciliation, the relationship was too fragile to bear a complete autopsy. I think it's best to tread lightly until things solidify.

[Tired Tiger]

"Tricky" may actually be an understatement.

 

The problem is, if one or both of the people involved in this relationship equation haven't addressed their individual issues that contributed to the break up, there's going to be an imbalance in the power struggle. Both may have the interest and desire to be together, but it becomes dysfunctional quickly if that imbalance leads to the "eggshell effect".

 

However, if both have done their indvidual work through a proper and substantial separation, the issues from the past may prove to be less of an issue to even discuss, as the new relationship will prove itself through actions. Ah, but in a perfect world...

[Saffron_]

Saffron,

 

Do you suggest being in this state is the better option here?

 

Part of Lucy's problem was that she lost herself in this relationship. Telling her to ignore her own wants/needs is not good for her. What is going to happen, he breaks up with her again because she wants to talk about "the relationship" that she is scared? If you can't tell your BF/Friend/Lover that, if you can't talk to them, what in the hell are you with them for?

 

Uncomfynumb,

 

You can't go looking to someone else for reassurance every time you feel insecure. As others have said, discussing things come up is a lot easier than sitting someone down for a big talk about the past. Not to mention, a lot of men (I imagine) would be put off by that, especially since he may still have some doubts lingering in his mind. I don't know Lucy's story (sorry for talking about you as if you're not here Lucy!) but if she did lose herself in the relationship, well that's her issue to work on and discussing it won't solve it. Action will.

 

Of course you should be able to tell your bf/friend/lover what's going on in your mind, but perhaps not when things are, to use Lucy's word awkward between them. When someone has backed away from you and perhaps felt confused about the idea of settling down, having 'the talk' might make him think 'uh oh, pressure!'

 

I agree with Coolchick. Things are fragile right now. Best to tread lightly for the time being.

[Saffron_]

Lucy,

 

Breaking up makes a massive dent in your self esteem but if you can build it up again slowly, by doing other things unconnected with your boyfriend, you might find you'll start to relax. In turn you'll feel less fearful because you'll know that whatever happens you're more confident, self assured and prepared this time and you'll cope. Just because you're back together doesn't mean he doesn't still need 'space' so let him have it when he needs it and see if there are any improvements. How long have you officially been back together now? A few days?

[LittleMadmoiselle]

Lucy,

 

I agree a lot with what Batya and Coolchick advised.

 

I am in the middle of reconciling/seeing where things go, too. No relationship is the same, so my own actions in my situation may not apply to yours. This has been an ever-so-slow process since January, but I have made sure to:

 

A. Let things grow (some of them VERY slowly).

B. Hold steadfast to the attitudes/mannerisms/thoughts/actions/etc. I worked so hard on to improve since our breakup. This is a BIG deal. You can't just change for the sake of an ex. You have to change for YOU (I also had the "losing myself in a relationship" syndrome I worked on things because I didn't want to keep making the same mistakes in relationships.

C. Let him initiate most contact in the beginning. Now it's about 50/50 with us.

D. GO WITH YOUR GUT. The past year, I've really learned to listen to it and separate it from "ego", if that makes sense.

E. Read up on and practiced the Al Turtle techniques (mirroring,validation, etc.) for better communication with my ex - link removed. This has been extremely helpful lately as our communication is beginning to pick up on more serious topics.

F. CONTINUED ON WITH MY LIFE. There have been some quiet/awkward periods since we got back in contact. But I've been myself - the girl my ex initially fell for - and I have kept busy, adopted a more positive attitude on a multitude of things, changed my lifestyle, worked hard on my clinginess (a very hard thing for me to admit - it was an underlying problem in our relationship), etc. Because my mind is affixed to other things, it has not been a problem and I haven't succumbed to the "clinger" mentality when things are "quiet". I've remained calm and been happy regardless. Keep an open mind. Put in positive feelings/prayers/thoughts towards your ex and your relationship "if it's meant to be"...and if not, try to know that you will find someone in the future like your ex, but 'better'.

G. PATIENCE. PATIENCE. PATIENCE.

 

 

That's what I've been doing from my end. I know my ex is working on things, too. We'll see if we end up on the same level. Time will only tell.

[coolchick64]

Saffron's posts made me think of something else to say. Try to separate your own feelings and reactions from what's going on with your boyfriend now. You may be hurt and vulnerable because of what happened before, and he may've been the one who did it, but they're still your feelings. See how much of that stuff you can process and deal with on your own. Only bring things up to him if you need information or you want him to understand something about you. He can't make you feel better. Only you can do that.

[LittleMadmoiselle]

Saffron's posts made me think of something else to say. Try to separate your own feelings and reactions from what's going on with your boyfriend now. You may be hurt and vulnerable because of what happened before, and he may've been the one who did it, but they're still your feelings. See how much of that stuff you can process and deal with on your own. Only bring things up to him if you need information or you want him to understand something about you. He can't make you feel better. Only you can do that.

 

Wow, yes! That's one I forgot! Couldn't have said it better!!

[getbiii]

was anyone else ever paranoid? about it being to good to be true? or that maybe you were ust getting your hopes high?

[coolchick64]

I had those feelings at times and felt silly about it, but look how it ended up! I don't know what to say. There are no guarantees in life. Your SO can't make it go away. You just have to come to terms with it and take the risk anyway.

[getbiii]

yeah, it sucks... all this week she has been calling me and coming over and saying she loves me... everything so nice and sweat what i always wanted but then i get some stupid idea in my head and i get kinda sour with her or step back and i feel like i push her away a little

[LittleMadmoiselle]

I had those feelings at times and felt silly about it, but look how it ended up! I don't know what to say. There are no guarantees in life. Your SO can't make it go away. You just have to come to terms with it and take the risk anyway.

 

I dealt/deal with it by trying to keep a very balanced outlook on the situation.

 

Very hard to do, but essential. Your happiness can/should NOT depend on your ex.

[getbiii]

yeah thats what makes my paranoia go away, i look at all she has done and said vs my bad thougts and her actions outwieight my paranoid ideas

[Saffron_]

was anyone else ever paranoid? about it being to good to be true? or that maybe you were ust getting your hopes high?

 

It's not paranoia because you have reason to be fearful and anxious at times. I think most of us have thought at some time that it was 'too good to be true' and in some instances, it was! Sigh...It's a risk, but I think it's a risk worth taking. Hope it works out