Why does he keep her love letters?

[kmh]

I hope someone can help me with my dilema. I have been together with my boyfriend for 2 and a half years. He and his son, who is 10 just moved in with me. My boyfriend has shared custody and a tumulteous relationship with his ex and at time with me. They were together for 9 years and have been broken up for five. It has always been hard for me to accept that he has a child with someone else but I have tried very hard and love his son. There was a photo album at his bed that me and his son looked at over a year an a half ago-nearly every picture was of his ex and I was very upset that he had it in such plain view. I told him how much upset me and he got angry and said " he had a life before" and why does it bother me so much because he loves me.

When we recently moved in together we unpacked a bunch of boxes of books, he had left me to do the rest of the unpacking and said he was fine with it. Right on the top of a crate full of things were several hundred pictures with nearly a hundred of her and 10 or so love letters and cards.

I don't understand why he keeps this stuff when he sees how much it hurts me-he refuses to see why I am upset and says that all that matters is the here and now. If so why does he need to keep them in such an obvious place and why can't he get rid of them. Am I just being irrational? I do love him dearly but have a problem with someone that seems to get so angry at me when I get upset over this. What should I do? I think that this could definetly be the end for us

[The Morrigan]

Ok hon, you're not going to like this answer, but...

 

They were together for 9 years and have been broken up for five. It has always been hard for me to accept that he has a child with someone else but I have tried very hard and love his son.

 

They've been broken up for 5 YEARS, of which you've been with him for 2 and a half. This woman is still, and always WILL be, the boy's mom. You can't expect his son to give up his mom just because his dad is divorced. Sure, he may come to view you as another mom, but that doesn't mean he will give up the mom who shares custody of him and helped raise him. You will have to deal with her at special occasions in person, like graduations, weddings, births of grandkids. This was something that you accepted, like it or not, when you chose to get involved with someone who had a child already.

 

It would be one thing if he was pining over the letters and cards, pictures, etc - but it doesn't seem that this is the case, and his son is entitled to keep pieces of his mom with him in the house you and this man share. Your bf has been apart from his ex for a LONG time, and it sure doesn't seem he's going back or interested in her except as what she is, his son's mother, and a part of his past. Concentrate on being his present and future instead of resenting the woman who no longer has him - do you really want to let her drive you apart by doing nothing but having existed in his former life?

[kmh]

your are right and I appreciate your reply-just a clarification-I don't mind if his son had mementos I just don't see why my bf has to keep love letters from her right in our room. And I don't know why he gets mad at me about crying about it. Any more advice?

[The Morrigan]

Have you tried approaching him calmly about the letters specifically, and just asking if he can keep them boxed up somewhere so he still has them, but they're not in your room? From his point of view, he may feel he's had to defend keeping ANYTHING, even pics for his son - if you sit down and calmly tell him you can understand keeping those around for him, but you'd feel much better if the letters were elsewhere, not trashed, just stored somewhere, he may be willing to compromise on that one. The trick is to keep it very low key so he doesn't feel defensive - and makes you look calm and rational rather than emotional where he can dismiss what you're saying as unreasonable and only emotion driven.

 

Even if you have to say "honey, I don't know exactly why it bothers me, I just know it does, and I don't expect you to get rid of them... but it would make me feel better if they weren't stored in our room" Its honest and calm, and should appeal to his common sense that where they're stored doesn't matter, since you're not making an issue out of him keeping them.

 

Give it a shot and see how he responds! And good luck!

[magda]

You don't really need to cry about it, now do you? This just underlines your personal insecurity and adds more legitimacy to his keeping them because you're not able to deal with your emotions rationally. You can negotiate with him on this, no? You say "why does he have to keep the letters in our room?" well.. would you be happier if they were in the garage? Then move them there.

just trying to help

[Val]

He's probably only keeping these letters as memories. Irratating as hell, I know. But I agree with magda just put them in the garage.

Just for further info. . . . my friend's parents divorced when she was in her early teens. The stepmother saw the ex-wife as much as twice a week. Point being, you will definitely be seeing this woman for the rest of your life and so will your bf. She will always somewhat have a presense in the household but don't let that bother you because he loves you now.

[ldwickw]

OK my boyfriend and I have been together a little longer then you and him but My BF still has pictures and letters too but they have no children together. I told him it bothered me and he got upset also but then after I explained to him how it made me feel and that it was ok if he kept them just put them up so I don't have to see them everyday he understood and moved them and I know where they are now but it don't bother me near as much because they are out of sight out of mind. I hope this helps Just talk to him as an adult and not an emotional teenager and see how that works. Good Luck

[Luciana]

I think it is innapropriate for the BF to keep pictures of his ex so handy. Why does he need those pictures close to him? Stuff them on some attic or basement! He may have some unresolved feelings towards his ex, many men do.

So I understand how you feel.

I know a woman who's married to a very successful man. She is his second wife. WHen they got married, he threw away all the pictures from his first wedding because he wanted that. That was brave.

But there is the reverse: when I met my BF he had pictures of his ex-wife (who had cheated on him) in his living room!!! I asked him to hide them immediately. He did. Imagine how I felt looking at her from the sofa!