Girlfriend not intimate any more

[ezious]

Hey folks, I have a question for you.

 

Background:

I'm in a relationship with my girlfriend and everything was very strong, sex life was great, and intimacy was high. She had reconstructive surgery on her foot 1.5 months ago, and she's in a cast. She has been down lately because of her foot.

 

The pain from her foot is gone. At this point she's simply in a cast, and in the process of healing, and will soon begin physical therapy.

 

I have done everything I can to cheer her up, from cooking for her, getting her a new hair-do, doing fun activities, and taking some daily pressures off her like walking the dog.

 

Issue:

We have not been intimate since her foot surgery. We had sex once, which was only recently, and I had to initiate it. I could understand her not having sex due to her foot, but even touching, kissing, etc has been non existent from her end. We will generally kiss a couple of times a day, at my initiation, and for very short periods (less than 10 seconds usually).

 

Is this normal? I mean, she's no longer in pain. Should we not be at least kissing? I brought this up nicely and she said she hasn't felt like being intimate due to her foot, and that's her way of dealing with things. She said it has nothing to do with out relationship.

 

Should I be concerned that this is something unrelated to her foot?

 

I'm trying to be as understanding as possible. But not being acknowledged by your partner truly makes you feel horrible. I have literally done everything to make things better, and I'm losing strength and hope.

 

Moving forward, I will not bring this issue up to her again as I already brought it up once. I will not initiate any form of intimacy whatsoever, until she begins to feel like it. I will give this 2 more months, until she's completely out of casts, and I will unfortunately have to end this relationship with a person whom I love if it continues like this.

 

Appreciate any advice.

[mmmd]

I would be surprised if it was her foot. She hurt her foot so she won't kiss you? Seems pretty effed. Unfortunately, you doting on her probably lowered your attractiveness in her eyes, as much as that might suck to here.

[ezious]

Definitely was not doting her. Not like she won't kiss. When we kiss it's passionate, but my problem is she won't initiate that like before her surgery.

 

From what I've read she has been displaying certain signs of depression. She is a model and professional athlete, and she lost both those due to her foot.

 

I'll stay patient, but I agree by now she should be at least starting to get intimate. Should I just let things be and wait to see if they improve?

[mmmd]

don't know man, seems like your decision to make.

[Cognitive_Canine]

Definitely was not doting her. Not like she won't kiss. When we kiss it's passionate, but my problem is she won't initiate that like before her surgery.

 

From what I've read she has been displaying certain signs of depression. She is a model and professional athlete, and she lost both those due to her foot.

I'll stay patient, but I agree by now she should be at least starting to get intimate. Should I just let things be and wait to see if they improve?

 

Yep, that's definitely why. She's depressed and unhappy. Can she get some counselling to feel better?

[ezious]

She mentioned a few days ago that from past experiences with her foot (ongoing problem of 5 years), she has had a tendency to blame her unhappiness on other things. She said she realizes that's what she has done, and understands her unhappiness is from her foot and not anything else. She has said she was going to get counselling for it, but I haven't asked if she did yet.

 

Also, she mentioned the other day that she cried all day at the smallest things she saw on t.v, even though they were not all that sad.

 

I guess this is temporary depression that will go away? I did read that depression decreases sex drive significantly.

 

I want to be there rather than be a jerk and leave a relationship when the cause is her foot. I guess I'm just trying to understand it all, and know how much time I should give this...

[Cognitive_Canine]

Most likely it will not just go away on its own. I understand your girlfriends pain as this has ruined her career and dreams for her life.

 

I think you need to be a bit more patient with her. She's depressed and needs to be treated for this.

[ezious]

Most likely it will not just go away on its own. I understand your girlfriends pain as this has ruined her career and dreams for her life.

 

I think you need to be a bit more patient with her. She's depressed and needs to be treated for this.

 

Thanks for the advice. I think I have my answer... I'll remind myself that her situation is much worse than mine and see that she gets treated for this.

[messedup85]

Was she an active person before the surgery. Alot of times when someone it put down and out by a surgery and are adjusting to a new way of living for the time being or permanently their personalities can change. They may get into a depressive state or even angry because they are limited. She may not feel good about herself or the situation and it backing away for the time being. I don't think a foot surgery would change her feelings for you.

[koreangelxp]

she sounds like shes depressed... i wouldnt leave her because shes depressed... if you truly love her i would stick it out. my bf left me during the time when i was depressed.... so yeah it really hurt and upset me more and made me more depressed.... but i honestly would probally never forgive him for doing that to me and leaving me because i was depressed. just my 2 cents.

[ezious]

Was she an active person before the surgery. Alot of times when someone it put down and out by a surgery and are adjusting to a new way of living for the time being or permanently their personalities can change. They may get into a depressive state or even angry because they are limited. She may not feel good about herself or the situation and it backing away for the time being. I don't think a foot surgery would change her feelings for you.

 

Yeah, she was extremely active. Rollerblading/biking about two times a day, but at least once. She has been inactive for 3 months, where the first 1.5 months she was on crutches, and the other 1.5 post surgery.

 

I mean, I do understand her reasons to be down, but I was expecting to start seeing a change given that I'm doing everything I can to cheer her up. I think I just need to respect her space in terms of intimacy, and continue to be positive and helpful in her recovery.

[geekgirl4]

I think she needs to try therapy. She's most likely depressed because of her foot : (

[Trancefan]

Injury to an athlete can put tremendous emotional stress on them or anyone suffering a life style changing injury. Usually people go threw a process when grieving due to significant loss or change.

 

1-Denial-"this can't be happening to me",

 

2-Anger-"why me?", feelings of aggression or anger directed externally. ( Anger can be both passive ( yelling over nothing ) Or Red faced angry all the time. )

 

3-Bargaining-bargaining often takes place before the loss. (EX: If i don't walk today then later I can run for 15 minutes. )

 

4-Depression-overwhelming feelings of hopelessness, frustration, bitterness, self pity, mourning loss of person as well as the hopes, dreams and plans for the future. Feeling lack of control, feeling numb.

 

5-Acceptance-there is a difference between resignation and acceptance. You have to accept the loss, not just try to bear it quietly.

 

Sometimes its In that order or out of order. People can get stuck on one stage or "Flip Flop" threw any number of the stages.Not everyone goes through the stages at the same time. It is different for each person. It sounds like shes stuck and she needs to move on , if she can't then she needs help. Without progression there can't be any healing. You cannot force her to move on , the strength has to come within herself to heal , other people can only support and encourage. I would handle it like this , just adopt an optimistic attitude ( not specifically about the injury , but in general ). Support her , Listen talk and care. If you think shes stuck you need to nudge SUBTLY ! Do not be over active in it , like I said you can only support and guide ( lightly ).

 

I agree with others when they say depression. I encourage you to research depression to better understand her emotional state of mind. If she doesn't move or you think its been to long , please encourage her to talk to someone it doesn't have to be you or a councilor , just someone. Just to "get it off her chest " , the talking cure is a good one. When I get depressed it helps to be reminded about the good characteristics of myself , because when I'm sad its easy to forget.

 

Being an athlete and a student athletic trainer I have some experience in this.