impatience

[Car Chick]

My boyfriend and I are very in love. We have a beautiful relationship. We have talked about marriage. We've been in love for a couple of years and I am ready for the next stage. The problem is, he won't marry me until he is more financially stable, which I agree with since he barely has enough money for himself right now and is living in his friend's spare bedroom. However, the problem is, I don't see the situation changing any time soon. He does odd jobs with painting and roofing, but he has degenerative disks in his back and cannot continue this work for long. He has talked about being a pastor, which would be great, but I don't know of any plans that he has for looking for a church to pastor, or even what steps he needs to take to do that.

 

Meanwhile, he is having to travel all over to find work. I miss him so much when he's gone and I never know when I'll get to see him again.

 

Am I just being impatient? I don't want to end this relationship, for sure, but I do want to make sure it's going somewhere since I am putting so much of my heart into it.

[Cognitive_Canine]

Why do you want to get married so young?

 

I think you are being a little impatient. You have so long before you need to worry about getting married. Waiting won't kill you but pressuring may kill this relationship. I think his financial reasons are a good reason to wait a while.

 

Just be careful and don't nag him.

[greywolf]

What is he doing to become more financially stable? I know this wasn't your question, but I think it might be good to think about what I'm going to say. It seems a bit odd to me that someone in their 40's (?) is not financially stable. I know that many people are this way now due to the economy so if it's just that he hasn't been able to find a better paying job, just disregard my advice.

 

As for marriage, yes I think you're being impatient. You're still quite young so there's no rush.

[sidehop]

The way I see it, if the relationship is strong, why worry

[HeartGoesOn]

I've followed your other threads, and was under the impression that he was well established, and owned his own home, since he's in his 40's. Are you working or in school?

[Car Chick]

What is he doing to become more financially stable? I know this wasn't your question, but I think it might be good to think about what I'm going to say. It seems a bit odd to me that someone in their 40's (?) is not financially stable. I know that many people are this way now due to the economy so if it's just that he hasn't been able to find a better paying job, just disregard my advice.

 

As for marriage, yes I think you're being impatient. You're still quite young so there's no rush.

 

Yes, he had a painting business that was going very well until the economy brought it down. He had a steady job and then was downsized, so basically the economy is doing it. That is a good question though and one I am wondering about myself. I don't see any plan of action with him right now and I don't know if that's just because he's still trying to figure out what direction to go or I just haven't seen him working on getting a job or what. He says he won't work for someone else. He wants to be self employed. That is frustrating me because I want him to get a job, even if it's just until he can start his own thing.

 

As for the marriage, the rushing is due to his age and the fact that we want kids. Also, I have poly-cystic ovarian syndrome and endmetreosis. My I don't know how long I'll be fertile. Many women with these issues are infertile by 25. I'm turning 21 in a couple of months. So I really want to get started on making kids, but I don't see how we'll be ready for that in only a couple of years at the pace things are going right now.

[Car Chick]

The way I see it, if the relationship is strong, why worry

 

It's not really that I am worried about the relationship itself. It's just that I have goals and plans for my life and I am ready to get started on them. I don't want to keep wasting my life at my crappy job doing nothing with my life. I want to get married, have kids, DO something with my life. Right now my life seems so pointless I can't stand it.

[Car Chick]

I've followed your other threads, and was under the impression that he was well established, and owned his own home, since he's in his 40's. Are you working or in school?

 

I am both. I have a job, not a career. I'm just there until I can finish school and get married then I am leaving with the biggest smile on my face I've ever had. lol.

 

No, he's not well established, despite his age. I really wish he was though. Of course, I'm not either. I have debts to pay off and little money in the bank, but I am looking for a second job and once school is finished, that's several hundred dollars extra in the bank every year.

[Cognitive_Canine]

It's not really that I am worried about the relationship itself. It's just that I have goals and plans for my life and I am ready to get started on them. I don't want to keep wasting my life at my crappy job doing nothing with my life. I want to get married, have kids, DO something with my life. Right now my life seems so pointless I can't stand it.

 

There are many fulfilling things you can do that don't involve marriage and kids. But, once you are married and have kids, your options of fulfilling experiences you can pursue becomes limited. Don't you want an education and a career? Or to see the world? Isn't there something else you want to accomplish besides marriage and kids?

[greywolf]

It's not really that I am worried about the relationship itself. It's just that I have goals and plans for my life and I am ready to get started on them. I don't want to keep wasting my life at my crappy job doing nothing with my life. I want to get married, have kids, DO something with my life. Right now my life seems so pointless I can't stand it.

 

Honestly, I don't think marriage will fix that. I think the best thing to do instead of waiting, is to go out and do things that make your life feel worthwhile. Start going to school, or other goals that you have. Marriage is not a bad goal either, but it will not fix your life.

[lady00]

What does having kids and marriage have to do with solving the problem of wasting your life doing nothing? Not much. At least, not necessarily. It sounds like you've set your mind on there being a connection but really, there is a lot you can do before that point. I'm not saying marriage and kids are not worthy goals. They most certainly are. But there is no need to be tied to a rigid idea of how you will get there. The path you take might not be a direct and short one. You might explore yourself a bit more, learn about what makes you happy as an individual, figure out what kind of job you would enjoy, what types of activities would make your life more fulfilling (and that probably includes becoming a mother, but it may also include other things). You are only 20 and while it's great that you already know what you want out of life, why not wait a little and be open to the possibility that you might take a bit of a detour on the way to your ultimate goals of having a marriage and children.

[Car Chick]

There are many fulfilling things you can do that don't involve marriage and kids. But, once you are married and have kids, your options of fulfilling experiences you can pursue becomes limited. Don't you want an education and a career? Or to see the world? Isn't there something else you want to accomplish besides marriage and kids?

 

I already know what career I want. I want to be a foreign missionary. My bf wants that too, but we need to get married first. There's already an apartment available for us in the mission field we want to go to. He's already done work there. I am getting my education right now, and I am pretty close to being done. I had planned on marrying him as soon as college is over and then going to the mission field with him and starting my family. I really don't want anything else with my life. I've looked into many careers- mechanic, teacher, etc. etc. and nothing seems as fulfilling as this. Unlike most people my age, I do know exactly what I want with my life. In many ways it's a good thing, but when you know what you want and you're ready for it, but it seems a million years away, it's very difficult to handle. I've been really down about it lately. I think mostly because he's been out of town for so long doing odd jobs. I really miss his kisses and being able to spend time with him, rather than just talking on the phone. He works 12 hour days when he is working, so we don't get to talk much and I just really miss him. If he can find a steady job and we can get married, he wouldn't have to be away so much. I really want him back here with me.

[Car Chick]

I don't really need to take that time to explore myself. I am well established in who I am as an individual, what makes me happy, and what I want out of life. Why spend more time being stuck here, alone, working at a thankless job where customers cuss me out, my bosses treat me like an idiot, and I make $250 in a paycheck when I could be out in the world making a difference, doing something with my life, and knowing that I am in this world for a purpose, rather than just sweeping the floors at work and dealing with customers that make more money in one week than I make in 6 months, and yet still yell at me over a twenty cent price difference?

[Cognitive_Canine]

I don't really need to take that time to explore myself. I am well established in who I am as an individual, what makes me happy, and what I want out of life. Why spend more time being stuck here, alone, working at a thankless job where customers cuss me out, my bosses treat me like an idiot, and I make $250 in a paycheck when I could be out in the world making a difference, doing something with my life, and knowing that I am in this world for a purpose, rather than just sweeping the floors at work and dealing with customers that make more money in one week than I make in 6 months, and yet still yell at me over a twenty cent price difference?

 

Not to be so cynical. But, this argument is what I have as to not get married and have kids so young.

 

In my opinion, having kids means giving up your choices in life until that child is completely raised. And, even after that, you are still never an individual. You still have to worry about that extension of yourself.

 

A lot of young, bitter housewives are upset that their life's purpose has become popping out kids and doing the laundry. They feel like they spoiled their potential.

[Car Chick]

Not to be so cynical. But, this argument is what I have as to not get married and have kids so young.

 

In my opinion, having kids means giving up your choices in life until that child is completely raised. And, even after that, you are still never an individual. You still have to worry about that extension of yourself.

 

A lot of young, bitter housewives are upset that their life's purpose has become popping out kids and doing the laundry. They feel like they spoiled their potential.

 

This is belief of the feminist movement. I am probabbly the farthest thing you can get from a feminist. You talk about choices, yet you try to limit me to career and a single life. Marriage and children at my age IS my choice. If you're going to advocate choices, you need to allow people to make whatever choice they choose. As for me, "popping out kids" isn't a pathetic little lifestyle. It is an honor. It is a joy. And as I said, I need to have kids young, or I will never be able to have them, do to my disorder. Basically it's like my reproductive system is destroying itself. Many women in their forties are said to be "ticking time bombs" in terms of their ability to have kids. A women close to menopause who has no children and wants them more than anything in life, does not want to wait any longer. I am at that same point. I only have a couple "monthlies" a year as it is now. If I wait too long, they'll be gone, and all hope of accomplishing my dream of a large family will be gone. I want children more than anything. I can never imagine myself being truly happy knowing I will never have them.

[Car Chick]

Well, I am going to bed now, so if I don't respond, that's why. I have to be to my babysitting job at 8 am and it's very late now.

[greywolf]

I'm not a feminist either but I agree with CC. There's nothing wrong with wanting children. I just don't see how going out into the world and making a difference matches up with your dream of a large family.

[Cognitive_Canine]

I'm not trying to limit you but only discourage you from making a decision that will affect the rest of your life so early in life. And, I am not saying that having kids is a bad goal or somehow a lesser goal. I plan on having 2-3 kids myself and plan on finding motherhood very satisfying. However, many women do feel that they squandered their life because they settled down too soon. I am sorry for your ailment. Is adoption not an option?

[doesitmatter30]

I wouldn't put off marriage for financial reasons, EXCEPT where pertaining to defaulted or outstanding debts (revoked credit cards, repoed cars, etc.), because if someone with excellent credit marries someone with terrible credit, they both end up with terrible credit the second they say "I do".

 

Otherwise, as long as we could live together, I wouldn't hold off.

[Miss Firecracker]

I would guess a man in his mid-40's that is still wandering around will never be ready for marriage. By now he should have a nice retirement building up and a home for himself. I wonder what he's done with all his adult years. He comes, stays awhile, bails on you again? And the way you put it this has happened many times since you've known him. I would wonder what he is up to, and whether you are the only woman he has at this point.

 

I thought this man told you he was going to another country to help people. I remember you were all excited to be going along with him. Now he is claiming he will soon be a preacher? This man sounds like a middle-aged drifter. He doesn't want to marry you until he gets established in his career? I really hope you aren't falling for this line.

[Sanesoul]

My hubby and I literally had nothing when we married. We had love, a pot-luck dinner and a JP. I wouldn't go back and change it for the world.

 

Nothing should stop true love. We are happier now than ever with an amazingly beautiful princess as our daughter. We still don't have much, but I'll be damned if I care.

[Car Chick]

I'm not a feminist either but I agree with CC. There's nothing wrong with wanting children. I just don't see how going out into the world and making a difference matches up with your dream of a large family.

 

That wasn't in response to the kids part, although, I don't see how raising my kids isn't an impact on the world. I was saying that about the career though. I don't want to go out and make a ton of money only to be left empty inside. I don't care about all this career stuff people keep saying. That's not what I want for my life. Just because other people think that's important, doesn't mean I do. I don't need anyone else telling me to get a career as if being a mom isn't good enough. I know what I want in my life. I posted here because I am frustrated that it's taking so long to get where I want to go and I need advice on how to handle it, not a bunch of people telling me that my goals are pointless or that a career is better or that being a mom will ruin my life.

[Car Chick]

I'm not trying to limit you but only discourage you from making a decision that will affect the rest of your life so early in life. And, I am not saying that having kids is a bad goal or somehow a lesser goal. I plan on having 2-3 kids myself and plan on finding motherhood very satisfying. However, many women do feel that they squandered their life because they settled down too soon. I am sorry for your ailment. Is adoption not an option?

 

I plan to adopt at least one child, most likely more. But I also want to know the joy of bringing a child into this world, of bonding with it during the nine months that we are one, of nurturing this baby from the time it first enters the world. There is a beauty in all of it that I really want to experience. However, adoption is definitly on my mind as well. Thank you for your condolences with my disorders.

[Car Chick]

I wouldn't put off marriage for financial reasons, EXCEPT where pertaining to defaulted or outstanding debts (revoked credit cards, repoed cars, etc.), because if someone with excellent credit marries someone with terrible credit, they both end up with terrible credit the second they say "I do".

 

Otherwise, as long as we could live together, I wouldn't hold off.

 

We don't those issues per say, but I can't afford a house and he can't either. I live with my parents and he with a friend. We can't really get married and then move into his friends house you know?

[Car Chick]

Clearly you have misunderstood almost everything I said. First of all, he is ready for marriage, as soon as we are able. It's the circumstances of our lives keeping us from it right now. (Money, me finishing college, etc. as I mentioned). He has made many mistakes in the past and has been hurt by the economy as many are. But his mistakes are in the past and the economy causing his business that he owned to go under is not his fault. And I never he said he was going permanent to that country tomorrow. We are going there together when we get married. As far as the preaching goes, who says he can't be a preacher on the mission field? The two go hand in hand. I hope this clears up any confusion.

 

And in terms of the other woman you suggested, the only other women in his life is his daughter and I am glad that he wants to go to be with her. He isn't just "bailing on me" and being irresponsible. It's like being an army wife. Right now he has to travel to find work, and he also wants to spend time with his daughter. I do not fault him for that, it's simply difficult. I would like some advice on how to deal with missing him when he's gone is all. Many couples have times when they have to be apart geographically, but he leaves his heart here with me.