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Boyfriend's Female Friend Doesn't Respect Boundaries


mmasq

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First off I want to make it clear that I trust my boyfriend, and I don't have any problems with him having female friends. He has many female friends and I have only had issues with two of them. One is an exgf who continued to declare her love for him after we had been dating for many months and who stated on her livejournal that she had no problem with pursuing married men or men in relationships. The final woman in question is a friend that he recently met(six months ago) from college. They have been in many of the same classes ( 2 of 3) for six months, because of this they have become rather close and spend a lot of time studying together. I don't think this girl really respects my relationship with my boyfriend. They spend sometimes more than 8 hrs a day together. My boyfriend some times takes her to school, drops her off afterwards. I haven't even particularly minded that he doesn't tell me he's doing these things. I've either overheard phone conversations where they are arranging these trips, or some similar way of finding out. I don't particularly feel the need to know every moment of my boyfriend's life. However, it does annoy me when he is supposed to be home at a certain time and he doesn't call, then later I find out he was taking a special trip to her apartment to drop off notes because she missed class.

This girl will spend over 8 hrs a day with him, but then still call him, and text him in the evenings. Once my boyfriend told me he was going to be studying for one of his classes in a separate room, so I gave him his privacy because I want him to study undistracted. But when I enter the room he is talking to this girl on a chat program. I have woken up in the morning and found him chatting to her on the same chat program, when he is going to see her in a few hours anyway. He didn't even say good morning to me, he just continued chatting to this girl. Not only does my boyfriend study with this girl in a mixed setting of friends, but he even spends time alone with her, at her work, and in her apartment. I just recently found out that her apartment is a tiny studio, with the bedroom right out in the open where they are. I find it disrespectful that he is doing this with her; but at the same time I trust him. However, I do not trust her. I have only met her once at a party, and she was rude to me, I am no saint, and was rude to her in return. Since then the only contact she and I have had is via Facebook. She has never talked to me about studying with my boyfriend, she has never made an effort to get to know me. She comments on practically every Facebook post my boyfriend makes. She has even quoted song lyrics that I know are from one of my boyfriend's fave bands. Recently for my boyfriend's birthday we decided to do something mellow because it was on a school night. We chose to go see a movie. When he told her we were going to see a movie, all his friends were invited, she commented that it was a lame thing to do for one's birthday. I felt insulted because it had been my suggestion. This friend of his then went on his Facebook and made a big declaration of how she wishes she was on campus the same day as his birthday because she would "Sing him happy birthday really loud and offkey, she would bring party hats, and pink balloons." She also uses very flirty conversation with him, a few of my friends and his have even asked me who this girl is and why is she acting like she's dating him, after reading her comments on his Facebook. My boyfriend seems to be completely oblivious to her behaviour. He believes it is just friendly and I am being jealous. I don't deny that I may be jealous, as I said, I'm not a saint. Yesterday it all came to a head and she has told my boyfriend that she won't be studying with him anymore because essentially she doesn't want to deal with a psycho girlfriend hating on her for just being his friend. This too annoys me because I don't believe that is how I'm acting. My boyfriend was very unhappy about this and it led to an argument between us. Is he correct that I'm overreacting and should be accepting of their situation? I would like to reiterate, that I trust my partner, I don't have a problem with him having friendships with the opposite sex. I do however have an issue with him hanging out with a woman alone for hours at a time on a weekly basis in her very small apartment a foot or so away from her bed. I don't feel respected, and I don't feel like this woman is respecting me or our relationship.

I know this was incredibly long to read. So thank you if you do, but it was very cathartic as well.

 

Take care.

 

Mmasq

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The title should be "My boyfriend doesn't respect boundaries with female friends'. Whatever she decides to do means nothing. The fact that he is more in contact with her than you, sometimes prioritizes her over you, and that their friendship is interfering with your relationship is a bit of a problem.

 

I'd tell him that the amount of contact you have with this person makes you feel uncomfortable.

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Hi,

Thanks for your response, I have stated many times that I'm uncomfortable with their level of contact. He tells me I'm not trusting him, thinks he's feeling controlled etc... Which is not my intent at all.

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I have asked him if he is interested in her, has a crush... He has stated many times no. I have to believe him, if I don't I'm not trusting him. This is part of the problem, the fact that it looks like there's something going on, even supposedly when there isn't is what I want to be protected from.

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Hi,

Thanks for your response, I have stated many times that I'm uncomfortable with their level of contact. He tells me I'm not trusting him, thinks he's feeling controlled etc... Which is not my intent at all.

 

Trust has nothing to do with it. 8 hours a day is insane. Who is he in a relationship with? It's the person he spends the most energy on.

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Way too over the top. She needs to go. I hate the be the pessimist here, but my infidelity beacons are going off full force here.

 

The actions of both your BF and this girl are showing that they like each other as way more than just study-buddies.

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I think the amount of time they are spending together is inappropriate, yes. It would bother me. I don't think the location of where they study really matters - after all, in dorms or studios, you're never that far from the bed, that's just the life of a poor student - but I question why they have to spend so much time studying together every day. In addition, the calling and texting in the evenings seems very overboard from anyone but a childhood best friend.

 

I don't who's got a crush on who, but if your boyfriend is getting mad at YOU for "ruining" his relationship with HER, there's something wrong with that. A true friend of your boyfriend's would not send him a passive-aggressive note saying that she would not hang out with him anymore because of his "hater" girlfriend. That is the work of someone who is trying to sew discord between you and your boyfriend, and it's working.

 

Honestly though, I'm not sure what you can do. If your boyfriend doesn't see how this is inappropriate, then he's putting you between a rock and a hard place - either live with it or be branded as the mean girlfriend and threaten the relationship you two have. If it were me, I would strongly consider walking away from someone who couldn't see the issue in this scenario.

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Somehow I missed that part when reading and went back to read....

 

Wow, he basically chose her over you in one swoop. He was mad at you for what? For her having an issue with you with no provocation?

 

Unless there is something you are not telling us, this woman is striving to be a homewrecker.

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I am thinking of sharing these posts with him today when he gets home from school. Because as per his conversation with me yesterday he was fairly convinced that how he is acting is "normal" and it is I who am being "crazy". I tried to explain to him that people don't usually behave this way. But coming from my mouth, the jealous one, doesn't seem to make a difference.

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Share this comment with him too:

 

When I was in my 20s I lived with my boyfriend (high school sweetheart). He started spending a whole lot of time with a girl from work. She had zero boundaries and I could tell that she was crushing on him. Like you, I trusted him and not her.

 

Over the year that they spent so much time together, we started fighting over her. He told me I was insecure, jealous, being silly, that he didn't like being controlled, that he didn't like being told who he could be friends with. I understood and sympathized with all of these arguments. I didn't like feeling like the psycho girlfriend, so I let it slide, all the while dying inside. I even talked to her about how uncomfortable I was...she laughed in my face. He remained unsympathetic to my plight. Then one day I went out of town, when I came home he was ashen, he said, "I think you might have been right about Lisa, I shouldn't hang out with her anymore. " I had to prod a bit but I found out that they did have feelings for each other the whole time and thought that they could keep them at bay. They played with fire and I got burned. They'd slept together while I was out of town. My boyfriend was crushed. He knew he loved me. I left him.

 

She hounded him like crazy, even got to the point where she called me and yelled at me for 'keeping him from her'. Who's the psycho now? I never kept him from her, but he was so very disgusted with what he'd done that he didn't want anything to do with her. He tried to get me back for years. He lost true love because he thought he could play with fire.

 

This was over 15 years ago, we are still close friends. He says that the episode with Lisa was the single biggest mistake he's ever made in his life. I agree….we were perfect for each other. Total tragedy.

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Not to throw gasoline on a fire here, and not being judgmental, but this kind of thing is one of the main reasons why I think (personally) monogamy is unrealistic and results in everyone being hurt/disappointed.

 

Then where does my non-monogamous bf who swore up and down he wasn't involved with a friend of his and he turned out to be shagging her behind my back for a large part of the relationship fit in?

 

Non-mon seems to me not to be the best cure for cheating. The trust required is more, the risk of betrayal is thus greater.

 

 

And so as not to be derailing, OP if he's started with the "crazy" accusations, I don't think showing him this thread will do any good. The whole point of that word is to make you doubt yourself and overcompensate in your behaviour to him. The fact that he's already shown you he'll chose her over you is all you really need to know.

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8+ hours? Unacceptable. Tell him you're not going be with someone who spends more time of day with another girl than his gf. You should get out now because I don't see the point with an unthinking guy like him. If he doesn't see a problem, it's because he doesn't want to see a problem. And I agree with the others, the fact that the friend says she wants to drop the friendship because of you is basically putting an ultimatum down - your bf chooses either her or you. And your bf STILL thinks the friend is right and you're wrong? How blind!

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Trxy,

I'm so sorry, I'm really trying to avoid that kind of heartbreak for both of us. Thanks for sharing this.

 

For hexamemeron: I appreciate your input and your freedom of beliefs, however, monogamy is my belief.

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I'm not sure she actually gave an ultimatum. She just told him that they wouldn't be studying together anymore because of my dislike for her. Which is essentially an ultimatum, just not posed as such. I never told him he couldn't hang out with her. I just wished it would be less often, and not alone with her in a private location. However, even though I have been very hurt by his attention to her and vice versa, I never said he couldn't see her.

Funny how I'm the bad guy, yet she is the one setting finite limits.

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I give him concessions for being a full time college student. When he's not at school or studying he's usually home with me. And I'm fine with that, it's just the amount of time spent with another woman that I think is excessive and how she treats me; us.

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I mean hardly with you emotionally. That seems to be the problem.

 

If he's a full-time student, then he basically has to treat this like a full-time job. Would this even be brought up as an issue if the person in question were a guy? I highly doubt it.

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Actually he also has three gay male friends whom are in all his classes. That he spends time with socially and studying as well. They do not call him, text him, or leave suggestive messages on his Facebook. Nor do they do any of the other things that I mentioned in my original post. He also has several female friends, some of them exgfs that he has regular contact with. These relationships are perfectly fine with me and I encourage them.

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If he's a full-time student, then he basically has to treat this like a full-time job. Would this even be brought up as an issue if the person in question were a guy? I highly doubt it.

 

I'm sure it could. When you sense you're drifting apart from a partner, it becomes a concern. I know little about their dynamics as it feels from her post he is nearly obsessed with this woman. I'm guessing it isn't quite that way, but it doesn't seem as if they are completely happy with one another. I've done this. He started boring me, so instead of addressing the issue with him, I focused on someone else.

 

 

I could be misreading but things don't seem right.

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