Came out of the closet to my mum...she got depressed...went back in

[Decado]

Hey guys,

 

I'm in a bit of a mess.

 

I came out to my mum about 3 months ago. I'd just turned 21 and thought it was time.

 

At the time, she seemed to take it fine. She didnt approve or accept it. She just said that i was still her son and that she'd always love me.

 

I'm from single parent, only child family. So it's just me and her at home but most of the year i'm at university. She has no-one else to talk to. You would think that we would be really close but we're not....mainly due to her workaholism and my teenage years.

 

I've come back for easter and I thought things were going ok. She seemed ok. She's been trying to get me to come to some religious talks but otherwise she seemed ok.

 

I tried talking to her and all of a sudden she breaks down and starts crying..properly bawling her eyes out, saying that she doesnt find life worth living, that she doesnt feel a bond between us, that she's tired of this life, that what im doing is wrong/unnatural/immoral, that she cant feel proud of me any more, that ive done so well in life and now ive just thrown it away.

 

She wants me to come home and stop my university course. She thinks it's worth me stopping my medicine degree, that ive worked so hard to maintain, just so she can "staighten me out"

 

Now some of this doesnt bother me too much. I can deal with her being unhappy with me. What i cannot deal with is her being depressed and, possibly, suicidal.

 

I feel really terrible for causing her so much pain and i tried to explain to her that it's not a choice and that it's not that bad but she doesnt listen.

 

So....I told her a lie.

 

I told her that i would try to be straight. Not just told her, I swore to her that i would. I promised not to touch another man ever.

 

I lied.

 

I did it because i was scared for her safety. I did it because i didnt want to be the cause of her hurt and pain. I did it because i care for her.

 

I feel terrible now...it felt so free to have her know about me. I felt i could be myself. Now i dont think i can talk to her and genuinely be myself. Maybe it is for the best. Conversely to what she thought, i thought we were building a stronger bond...but now i dont think i can be close to her.

 

did i do the right thing? or did i just push back the progress of her acceptance?

 

I figured that it's better for this to be the cause of my depression rather than hers.

 

i just want to go be away from her now just so i can be myself somewhere. I just want to go back to uni. This house definitely doesnt feel like a home.

[Tony01]

hey dude i dont know why your mum said those things to you because i have a gay brother who lives in scotland and we all dont mind we know hes are brother and we love him for that

 

i really think there might be more to it than you think

[eggplant47]

I'm so sorry that this is so difficult for your mom to accept. You mentioned she tends to get depressed and that she has no one to talk to... is there maybe a support group in her area where she might find others she can talk to? If not, maybe you could find her a therapist.

[brueges]

I was sorry to read your story. You're not the one who needs to change, your mother does. I know you were trying to be sensitive to her, but the position she is putting you in is completely selfish and unfair. She ought to be proud that you're studying medicine and had the confidence to tell her you're a gay man. Do you have an aunt or someone you can speak with about her? She needs some serious therapy. Please resist the urge to change yourself. You should stay in your program and find a great man. Live YOUR life, not the one your mother envisions for you. Best of luck and keep your chin up.

[FathomFear]

It sounds like she needs professional help. Do you think group counceling might help the situation?

[hexaemeron]

Your mother's own depression is spilling over onto you and that's not fair. This has nothing to do with you or who you are as a person. It has everything to do with her displeasure with how her life turned out. And those are things she needs to fix on her own.

 

I agree with FathomFear. She needs professional help.

 

OP, you did -nothing- wrong and there's -nothing- wrong with you. Believe it.

[lukeb]

Yea I totally agree with Tony, there is more to it than you think. The OP's mom is depressed and I guess not too happy about how her life turned out.

 

The actual reasons for someone depression can sometimes be somewhat intangible so it is not that unusual to turn to reasons that we can point to, or grasp, eventhough it may not be the actual reason.

 

She might think if only my son were straight, then everything would be OK, but I highly doubt that.

[ceez]

I think there are some groups for the parents of those who are lgbt and have a hard time accepting it, maybe you could google some and attend some sessions. I wouldn't go back in the closet though that could make you feel worse than she does and force you into a life you do not want.

[Decado]

Hey guys,

 

Thanks so much for your replies. It's reassuring to know that i'm not by myself in thinking that my mum's acting a bit OTT.

 

I think i'll give her some time. At the moment, i feel kind of hurt by her reaction and cant wait to go back to university. I think i need time. ha.

 

 

i'm not going back into the closet completely...just with her. I'm out to all my friends and everyone at uni, so it's not like i'm denying myself completely.

 

And even though ive told her that'd i'd try to be str8, i think somewhere underneath she knows the truth.

 

Thanks for your comments/

Decs x

[greywolf]

Hey, OP. Your mother's depression has nothing to do with you. Please don't be so hard on yourself.

[lukeb]

 

i'm not going back into the closet completely...just with her. I'm out to all my friends and everyone at uni, so it's not like i'm denying myself completely.

 

And even though ive told her that'd i'd try to be str8, i think somewhere underneath she knows the truth.

 

Thanks for your comments/

Decs x

 

She will always be your mom, but it is best not to expect more from her than she is able to deliver, and it doesn't sound like for the time being very much. I wouldn't go out of my way to be straight and at the same time don't go out of your way to raise the topic.