All this talk about getting an ex back

[shockedndallas]

I missed my gf of 7 months bad after she broke up with me without an explanation above saying it was what I really wanted deep down. At first I was shocked and missed her bad. I even started reading all these articles about getting ones ex back. Today it has occurred to me. Why would I want someone back who ended our relationship without really telling me why? I guess if I made some mistake and wanted another chance it would make sense. I think the answer is we get attached to sweet memories and miss the great times. We deny that the person who ended the relationship did anything hurtful, or they violated trust and just long for the old times. It seems almost like living a fantasy. Today when I found out she had lunch with her ex- from 2 years ago that served as a wake up call. Maybe the question should be 'do I want her back and can I trust her', rather than 'how do I get her back'? I trusted her very much. Good luck all.

[Blackhawk2009]

Very true my friend...sometimes we can't really come up with a reason why we want them back. Its like there is something inside of us that keeps us wanting them back. I agree with the whole getting attached to sweet memories, I think that's what keeps us wanting them back

[yonanz]

Very true my friend...sometimes we can't really come up with a reason why we want them back. Its like there is something inside of us that keeps us wanting them back. I agree with the whole getting attached to sweet memories, I think that's what keeps us wanting them back

 

i couldnt agree more. we are so fixated on the had beens, the sweet memories we once had, the beautiful moments we once had. these are usually the most painful part of a breakup, knowing that all you have is just these memories and nothing esle.

 

i was doing good after 2 weeks of strict NC and then today i went to see a photoframe which she made for us with many photos on it and i cried again. im hate myself for going to see that photoframe and now im at square one again!

[Kahdeksan]

Depending on the health of the relationship and the terms parted on; that "something inside" which gives voice to our yearning for their return. Should be acknowledged as something other than the 'unknown' or just 'something' and ignored out right, even.

 

That "something inside" could very well be profoundly connected to our childhood experiences and issues, and all that it entails from the upbringing. Although, in parts, much of it would be residual emotions left from a sudden or abrupt relationship break up.

 

Just an observation I wanted to share.

[shockedndallas]

I am just trying to keep this in perspective. I thought she was the girl I would marry. I had been divorced once and she had been twice. We seemed so happy together. EVeryone though we were a great couple. Our boys became great friends. Then over 1 weekend everything is shattered. When I look at her pictures and think what was and what could have been it hurts badly. I know everyone has a unique situation and maybe sometimes things are worth fixing. But if the person doing the dumping is unkind or another side of them emerges and you realize you never really knew them. I think for our own wellbeing we need to carefully ask ourselves if this person can be trusted with your feelings. That is why mourning is important. Mourning for what was and what could have been. In a way I feel sorry for someone who would close the door on real love. Many times they wind up with someone that treats them poorly and they do not understand what they pushed away until it is too late.

 

 

i couldnt agree more. we are so fixated on the had beens, the sweet memories we once had, the beautiful moments we once had. these are usually the most painful part of a breakup, knowing that all you have is just these memories and nothing esle.

 

i was doing good after 2 weeks of strict NC and then today i went to see a photoframe which she made for us with many photos on it and i cried again. im hate myself for going to see that photoframe and now im at square one again!

[shockedndallas]

I totally agree. It is really not ones concern.

 

"Many times they wind up with someone that treats them poorly and they do not understand what they pushed away until it is too late."

 

Exactly,but whats important now is you live your life and dont worry about the other person and what they have lost. They'll realise one day.

[jenmar]

I too tried to get books, articles on how to get and ex back, because I really wanted him back.

He said we started fighting too much, but I realized that the fighting started when HE started distancing himself from me. It wasn't completely my fault, I know that I made some mistakes, but if he loved me like he said he did he wouldn't have walked out. he would have tried to make it work.

I haven't heard from him in about 10 days.

I thought about it and said to myself.- why on earth would I want someone back that broke my heart, that didn't want to give me or our relationship a chance. Someone who stated he doesn't mind being alone, and that sometimes he prefers it.

and what if we had tried to work it out, I would have never trusted his feelings again.

 

So in reality, maybe we dont actually want the EX back, we want what we HAD back, and in all honesty chances are slim to none that the same feelings and emotions will be there with that person that so quickly broke your heart

 

Now I am concentrating on the fact that someone else will come along that I will have those feelings for, that I will make new memories and happy times with, and hopefully it will be long lasting..

[epson391]

You dont miss the person you miss who you thought they were, or the idea of them. The daily habit of having them around is what you want back not perhaps them.

[shockedndallas]

Hello, your reply was very well said. I agree 100%. We do not need someone who could hurt us so badly especially when they don't even explain why. You are right, what we really long for is what we had back. The person we miss is the person we thought our ex was, not the person they actually turned out to be. I have 15 love letters from her, not emails. They are beautiful, but they were not real. I am in my late 40's and I know most people on this site are much younger. Trust me when I say that time is a gift and it shouldn't be wasted in relationships that will go no where. It keeps you from meeting the right person, someone you can trust your heart with. Best wishes

 

 

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I thought about it and said to myself.- why on earth would I want someone back that broke my heart, that didn't want to give me or our relationship a chance. Someone who stated he doesn't mind being alone, and that sometimes he prefers it.

and what if we had tried to work it out, I would have never trusted his feelings again.

 

So in reality, maybe we dont actually want the EX back, we want what we HAD back, and in all honesty chances are slim to none that the same feelings and emotions will be there with that person that so quickly broke your heart

 

Now I am concentrating on the fact that someone else will come along that I will have those feelings for, that I will make new memories and happy times with, and hopefully it will be long lasting..

[jenmar]

Sadly its time that heals all wounds, I hate that its taking so long.

I am getting to know a new guy- and I am afraid that I am not going to give him a full chance becuse I am hurt over what my ex has done.

 

Im going to be 29 in May, I have a son. I need someone that is willing to put forth effort. Im disappointed it wasn't my ex, but i cant dwell

[Trenton]

Very true my friend...sometimes we can't really come up with a reason why we want them back. Its like there is something inside of us that keeps us wanting them back. I agree with the whole getting attached to sweet memories, I think that's what keeps us wanting them back

 

true that my man

[shockedndallas]

WHat it comes down to is a choice. Do we hold on to a fantasy or move on and make reality? There is a great book called the POWER OF NOW. It talks about the error of being stuck in the past.

[rapunzel]

I think for those of us in our late 40's it gets harder and harder to find someone that we "click" with so in my opinion, it is more difficult to move on from heartbreak at this stage in life. I have been unable to have NC with my ex due to my work situation, and I realize this is a factor, but I would even consider a reconciliation IF he made a sincere attempt. I know the odds of this are *extremely* slim (and/or it won't happen until I've fallen for someone else) but it just proves to me how difficult it is to meet an appropriate partner in your late 40's.

 

I read The Power of Now, and I continually read uplifting books about moving forward. They are helpful but I think it's going to just be a matter of luck if I find someone else that I fall in love with. If not, it's not the end of the world but it would be nice to spend my golden years, or at least some of them, with a loving partner.

[shockedndallas]

Hello, thanks for your reply. Nice thing about this site is we are going through somewhat similar situations and we can support each other. Well meaning friends and family mean well when they say enough heart ache, just forget and move on. That's easy for them to say, however it is typically the best option. We get so attached to the way things were, it is easy to lose site of the fact that in many cases we are trying to hold on to someone who hurt us. I know that's not always the case but in my case it was. I know in the 40's it can be challenging to find someone that we "click with" as you indicated. By not letting go of an ex, it actually makes it even harder to connect with someone new. I can relate to your words about heartbreak. But again, deep down we do not need to be with someone who could break our hearts. The self help books are great. One thing I think is key is to not to let what you are going through define who you are. I think we all just need to have faith that the person we are all looking for is out there somewhere. Better to find out someone is not really the one sooner, than later. Best wishes

[shockedndallas]

Just had someone very close to me share an article about how a condition called BPD can impact a relationship. It almost sounds like it tells the story of what happened to us. It is very sad and even if I wanted to I am powerless to do anything about this. At least things make a little more sense. Good luck to all.

[freegirl116]

VERY WELL SAID!

 

I think that thing we all have is called 'hope.'

 

I'd love for my ex to come back, tell me it was mistake and he hurt me and for us to try again BUT then why would I want someone who left in the first place?

 

Love blinds us to all the faults in a person, granted somethings can't be changed but when someone breaks up with you doesn't it actually mean 'I don't want to be with you?' therefore why would you want them back?

 

I got back with my ex two times and we both tried so hard to make it work but eventually it ended because I think we both got fixated on past memories and love how it used to be rather than how it really was! Having said that i do think part of a relationship is working through the hard times but technically the person who has initiated the break up must come back to signal that they want to resume it... Why should you try to get them back at all?

 

What would be even more amazing is realising that maybe one day there is the possibility of meeting someone who you will never break up with!

[ForumGuy]

Totally agree with all of this. My situation is somewhere in here. We were both wanting to split up, then i had a change of heart, but she did not, , so i was hurt. Then we got back together for awhile and the bad feelings of being together immediately returned to me even though I still didn't want to quit.

 

Because the weird feelings returned immediately upon getting back together, I realized that she was not the "perfect person" I had thought while we were broke up and there had to be some other reason I was feeling hurt. NC for the past 5 weeks has been much better than trying to be "fake friends".