Diagonal's rocky road to reconciliation: An update - Part 2

[Diagonal]

Hey guys,

 

So an update for those following my story.

 

If you’re unfamiliar with my background in short - together for 3 years, I neglected her, worked to much and living with my brother complicated things massively as they literally hated each other.

 

Since the split 3 and half months ago, we’ve done bits of LC, bits of NC and more importantly we’ve both done a lot of work on ourselves - feel free to ask me any questions.

 

I’ve kept it short as this might be a mammoth post.

 

Ok, so we last met up two weeks ago and she said:

 

"The way I felt about you it was like a flower and then the way you became and treated me killed the flower like a frost, but the bulb is still there underground."

 

Then...

 

"I don't want to look back in a couple of years, I mean even less than that really, and realize I left 'the one' only to then come back only to see you've moved on and don't feel the same way about me."

 

Now, I told her I still feel the same about her, but he big issue we’ve had is that she feels guilty that she can’t give me what I want at the moment - mainly because she’s massively stressed (been involved in a car accident recently and really busy at university), has some ongoing personal/mental health issues, money issues and obviously confused about me.

 

Since the split she has noticed and commented that she sees that I’ve changed and addressed the issues that caused the split but since all of the above two weeks ago she’s asked for more space!

 

At first it was a few days here and there, but I’ve said I think it’s best I disappear for a while and she agreed - which I think is/will help us both actually.

 

Just wondered what people thought about my situation? I did neglect her and was worried that giving her space would cement that but she has told me that she understands that I’m giving her space and not just being neglectful or moving on etc.

 

I realize all I can do is wait and see what happens but it’s tough!

 

Any advice or thoughts are always welcome

[Speranza]

It sounds as though you are doing the right thing, and above all COMMUNICATING about it, which means you two have a shared understanding of why you are backing off.

 

She is 'making all the right noises' - I love the bulb in the ground image.

[DN]

How long is a 'while'?

[Diagonal]

Didn't specify a time period, I just said a while.

 

Why?

[squirl]

What about you is she still confused about? Are those her words or yours?

[DN]

Didn't specify a time period, I just said a while.

 

Why?

Because you should not let her put you in limbo until she decides to take you out of it.

[Ms Darcy]

It could be good or bad. She could be hoping that time will restore her feelings. Time doesn't always work that way. For now, she doesn't feel enough for you and therefore she does want space. I would say try not to stay in that place forever, because she knows how you feel.

[squirl]

I agree with DN.

 

To be blunt, I call bullhockey on the "need for space" theory.

 

In her own words, she said the only thing she is worried about is that you will move on.

 

She assumes this will take a couple of years. That's way too long.

 

I think she will start to come back, if at all, once another woman show signs of interest in dating you or that she sees other major changes happening. I'm not saying it is wrong of her, I am just saying that she does not sound like she will come to this realization under the status quo of just waiting.

 

That was what happened with my brother and his now-fiancee. She broke up with him for a while. He never stopped liking her. In fact, he texted her daily. What brought them back together a few months later was he got a new, better job. She realized he would probably meet someone new. At that point she told him she wanted to get back together. There were no games, she was extremely upfront about her reason. It had nothing to do with contact/NC. It was purely because she was afraid he would meet someone else at the new job and she told him so. Her honesty is actually one of the qualities my brother likes most about her. They are very happy now and I like her too.

[Diagonal]

Thanks for the response guys, all very insightful and helpful.

 

I do think I'm on the shelf to a degree lol. I'm kinda ok with that and I realize that I've not helped myself by telling her:

 

*I'm not interested in dating or having random sex with anyone - Despite her asking me again and again if I was doing both.

 

and

 

*That I still feel the same way about her and am here for her.

I did feel like I've had to say both of the above to her because I neglected her for so long that I felt I had to prove my intentions towards her.

 

I don't think people can blame me for doing that and I'm happy I did.

 

Having said that now is a new start and I feel I've proved enough to her that I've changed the issues that caused the break-up.

 

*I now work 5 days rather than 7

*I quit one of my jobs and took a 75% pay reduction

*Worked a lot in counselling about why I felt I had to strive to succeed and addressed my control issues.

*Plus a load of smaller things I won't bore people with

 

Now I feel like what else can I do?! And that's kinda liberating.

 

I love her a lot and still think she is the person I want to be with forever, but what else can I do? Nothing is the answer.

 

Without turning this into a book, she also suffers with bi-polar and borderline personality disorder and is struggling a lot with her eating disorder too

 

On top of that she is really struggling for money and in the final year a university and is desparate for a top mark to go on another course, so is working like a dog.

 

So in short our story really isn't as straight forward as you might seem. She has said she'd focusing a lot on controlling her eating disorder and working on uni stuff at the moment and I guess a potential 'us' is getting shoved down the list.

 

I helped her so much with her mental health issues and took her wholeheartdly as she was, something I know not everyone is going to do. Not to be big-headed but I do think she will struggle to get someone else like me who coped so well with her emotional and mental health problems and love her unconditionally, so if she doesn't want me, then that's the end of that and I'll move on I guess.

 

I do feel my story has some distance left to run yet though...

[minou]

So what if you worked too much? You needed to do that at the time, or thought it was in your best interest financially. Now she's the one who's too busy? What's wrong with this picture. I still don't hear that you treated her badly. So what if she didn't like your brother. That's actually really disrespectful of her to harp on about that. He's your blood. When you love someone you do the best you can to deal with their relatives. So you neglected her a bit. People do that when they're busy for god's sake. Maybe she did not adequately convey what she needed. There are ways to treat people really well, make them feel like a king or queen, and nagging and acting like a victim and such are definitely not the way to get it. I feel like she is belittling you. You sound like a great guy (have read some of your responses to other people... you sound like a major sweetie) and I don't feel that she appreciates it. How about how she hurt you by breaking up & how about how she is hurting you now? To me, she sounds insensitive. As far as her flower analogy goes, I feel she had plenty to do with that frost on the flower. Frankly, she sounds cold. Also, some people just love to be victims and she kind of sounds like that to me. My two cents. Keep your eyes wide open for another who will appreciate you. If she misses out, her loss. She should be giving this another chance NOW not later.

[squirl]

I helped her so much with her mental health issues and took her wholeheartdly as she was, something I know not everyone is going to do. Not to be big-headed but I do think she will struggle to get someone else like me who coped so well with her emotional and mental health problems and love her unconditionally

 

Hm, that is is a little tricky. I don't necessarily see this attitude as a plus for your hopes of getting back together.

 

Does she know you feel this way about her? It is great that you are supportive, but she is trying to get better. If she is focusing on her treatment, perhaps she is looking to feel normal, i.e., be with someone who won't assume that others will look down on her.

 

I wonder if that is part of the distancing. Perhaps look at that in yourself and talk to your counselor. Or else move on, like you said. I wouldn't assume she will never meet anyone else who would be supportive of these conditions.

[Lastchallenge]

I totally agree with this....

[squirl]

Now, I told her I still feel the same about her, but he big issue we’ve had is that she feels guilty that she can’t give me what I want at the moment -

 

"The big issue" is vague. What is it that you "want" that she cannot give you at the moment?

 

A commitment? Does she need to be free to see other guys? Then you need to move on.

 

Sex? Are you making demands on her time or emotions that she cannot meet? Then you need to ease up the pressure.

 

Without knowing what the deal-breaker actually is, it is hard to really respond.

[Diagonal]

@ Minou: Thanks for the kind words and support. I know what you’re saying but some of her issues about being neglected and playing the victim, but they are magnified by her Borderline Personality and Bi Polar disorder, but I see where you’re coming from.

 

It is funny how now she’s the busy one now! Having said that having the roles reversed has made me understand a lot more about what I did to contribute to the relationship breaking up.

 

She has said that she has contributed towards the ‘frost that killed the relationship’, but I do understand that the way I acted didn’t help.

 

@Squirl I know saying she won’t find anyone like me or who is as supportive is wrong and egotistical, there could be a million people out there who will support and cope with her issues better than I did, but have you ever lived with someone with the aforementioned problems? It really isn’t easy, in fact at times it’s very very difficult. Ok I was rash saying what I did, but I certainly don’t say those kind of things to her face, so I don’t think it’s aiding the distancing and for the record I never looked down or assumed or communicated that others would look down on her problems, nor would I.

 

As for ‘The big issue’. In short at the moment she feels guilty that she can’t give me what I want in getting back together.

 

She has said she need(s)(ed) to see I’ve changed, needs to know how she feels about me and also heal from the pain of the break-up and how I treated her.

 

I’ve not been pressuring or asked her to commit to me in any way. I’ve never said anything about her not being ’allowed’ to see other guys (I have no right), I’ve not been a burden on her time (odd coffee once every few weeks and text messages) and told her that I realize she needs time to heal (as do I), it’s been her that has been quizzing me about who I’m seeing/sleeping with.

 

---

 

I’ve not trying to have a pop at anyone commenting, I know it’s hard to give advice not knowing all the details but I do really appreciate every comment posted.

 

I’m happy for now to wait it out, maybe I just needed to vent a little on here. Sorry guys

 

Anyway, to add to my story. My ex’s sister has been in touch recently saying “my sister has been saying really good thinks about you and is really happy and proud about the progress you’re making as a person following the break-up”

 

and

 

“I know my sister still has a lot of feelings about you even if she's not telling you, so just give her some time and space”

 

and

 

"My sister has said she'd love to go back to the happy days of your relationship, as those were the best times of her whole life."

 

So the saga continues...

[LoveSoDeep]

Ah yes... and the saga continues!

 

I think many here have given you good advice and it is good to read new perspectives and think about them and keep your eys open to what may happen inthe future. It seems right now that you are set on waiting this out, and personally I see no harm in that just be sure to not put your life on hold. Go ahead and live your life and work on yourself. I think one of the biggest mistakes people make (and believe me I've done it too) is to become stagnant while they are "waiting" and this deosn't help anyone b/c not only are you hurting yourself but if your ex decided to come back and you were still the same as when they left chance are it won't work out. So don't forget to keep moving forward.

 

I know you are working on this and I am proud of you for all you ahve done in going to thearapy and working less. So really this was more justa pep talk and a keep up the good work for you!

[squirl]

 

@Squirl I know saying she won’t find anyone like me or who is as supportive is wrong and egotistical, there could be a million people out there who will support and cope with her issues better than I did, but have you ever lived with someone with the aforementioned problems? It really isn’t easy, in fact at times it’s very very difficult. Ok I was rash saying what I did, but I certainly don’t say those kind of things to her face.

 

 

---

 

BD and ED yes. BPD no. From what I know BPD can be very trying. You sound like you have managed it well and have been the ideal mate. She also sounds like she is working at it full time.

 

The reason I asked was that you alluded to control issues. From what you have written of her, she seems to view that you have work to do on yourself also. Again, I am thinking of it from her point of view that you are equals, and you'd be just as lucky to have her as she would be to have you, not that you're her only option or something. Does that make sense?

 

It sounds like you are doing all the right things. Perhaps this is an obvious point, but there are a lot of support resources online for partners/spouses of people with BD and other mood disorders. I wonder if it would help you make sense of some of this to read up on it, if you have not done so already. You probably already have.

 

There seems to be a lot of positive growth on both sides. I just wonder why if she seemingly doesn't want you to date other women and she doesn't want to date other guys you cannot agree on an arrangement for a relationship. But perhaps it just takes time and she needs to disengage from whatever negativity you have alluded to. You seem like such a nice person, I hope it works out.

[Diagonal]

Thanks for the insight Squirl

 

As you know BD and ED is horrible and anyone that has to live with either or both, I truly have a lot of sympathy for - it can literally rule your life

 

I think we're both working hard on our own issues. I do/did have control issues. With counselling, research and a lot of reading of books about control, BPD/BD/ED etc, I feel a lot better about my progress. In fact one of the biggest things that has helped my control issues is the fact I can no longer control her (don't get me wrong I wasn't some monster nailing the door shut, it was just little things). I have embraced the fact she is her own person and will do things on her own, cope with things in her own way and how she wants and I'm really cool with that.

 

As I have mentioned in previous threads, control was an issue and for anyone that doesn't know eating disorders and such are all about control. Now the fact she lived in my house, on my money and in my area away from her friends, really gave her the impression that I was controlling her. This got worse when she didn't have control of her eating disorder (doing well and eating normally), she'd then seek to get control of other areas of her life or our relationship to compensate.

 

It's complicated but that's a short break-down of how control effected our relationship. There were also little things here and there for us both, which were obviously magnified when she felt she had lost that control on her eating or had flare ups with the other aspects of her mental health.

 

A relationship as you said is all about equals and we'd both be lucky to have each other for what we bring to the relationship. I know I may have come accross as being a bit big-headed before, but I really do know that she gives me so much, maybe even more, than I give her.

 

I do feel we're both doing all the right things at the moment from both sides of the fence. I think the normal rules of getting back together kinda go out the window when so much other stuff is on the table to sort out, but then again every break-up and reconciliation is different isn't it?

 

I have been doing a lot of research and reading about her disorders, but thanks for pointing out that there is help out there. I have also been talking to two wonderful people on her via PM who have helped me a lot

 

Thanks for pointing out that it seems like we're both making progress in terms of positive growth, it feels like we are and I hope that makes us better people and if we get back together, I know it will make us a better couple.

 

As for dating and such she hasn't said I can't date others but she is and has been very keen to ask me regularly about who I've been out with or if I'm dating etc. It's cool. I'm not interested in dating others anyway, but I think by continuely putting her mind at ease, it also puts me back on the shelf. Oh well, I'm happy there for now and I know putting my foot down is only going to add pressure onto what is a stressful time for her.

 

I feel positive about the future for a potential us and as the dust settles more I'm sure we'll both have a better idea of if that's possible. Remember it's not all about us dumpees, dumpers have feelings too!

 

Thanks again for the comment and advice

[minou]

Sounds like you're both doing a lot of work and I do want to wish you the very best. BPDs need a lot of outer structure because of problems with impulse control, yet they don't like to feel controlled by others, so it does get tricky, especially with all the ED issues combined. Wow. You must have the patience of a saint. And I'm sure she has some great qualities or you wouldn't be hanging in there this way. since you are dealing with someone with BPD and ED, I do suggest couples work if you end up going full throttle at some point, you know regular tune ups together so feelings don't fester or get acted out inappropriately. I tip my hat. Good luck. I do agree every relationship is different, and the so called "rules" of reconciliation should never be considered etched in stone.

[Diagonal]

Thanks Minou

 

BPDs need a lot of outer structure because of problems with impulse control, yet they don't like to feel controlled by others, so it does get tricky, especially with all the ED issues combined.

 

It's very true and it can be very tricky for us both. That's why I think she took the controlling aspects of my character and situation so hard. Oh well, it's how we both deal with it from here on in that matters.

 

Thanks for pointing out my patience skills, at times I feel I have none - when all I want to do is ring/text her! She certainly does have some amazing qualities and you're right that's why I'm putting myself through what is a lot of pain.

 

Time will tell, it's been almost 19 days since I've seen her and 9 days since I've spoken to her, so hopefully she's been healing and enjoying the space she asked for to think about what she really wants.

 

If it's not me, then I'll have done all I can...

 

Let's hope that's not the case!

[Ms Darcy]

some of her issues about being neglected and playing the victim, but they are magnified by her Borderline Personality and Bi Polar disorder ...

 

I know saying she won’t find anyone like me or who is as supportive is wrong and egotistical, there could be a million people out there who will support and cope with her issues better than I did, but have you ever lived with someone with the aforementioned problems? It really isn’t easy, in fact at times it’s very very difficult.

 

So the saga continues...

 

This changes my advice a little. These are a lot of issues that she has and those issues are going to go away even if she recommits to you. If that's the life you want to live, good luck to you but ... it will be a lifetime of drama.

[squirl]

I do suggest couples work if you end up going full throttle at some point.

 

I agree. Both that you have the patience of a saint, and that couples work would be a good idea. Perhaps you can suggest to her that you'd be willing to go to couples therapy she ever wanted to, and that the choice is entirely up to her.

[Diagonal]

This changes my advice a little. These are a lot of issues that she has and those issues are going to go away even if she recommits to you. If that's the life you want to live, good luck to you but ... it will be a lifetime of drama.

 

It is the life I want to live, as I love her.

 

I've lived (if you want to call it that) with her issues for 3 years and while it's not always been easy, I knew about her problems before we got together and it's always just been a part of who she is. When you love someone you take the 'good' with the 'not so good' don't you? No one is perfect.

 

@Squirl Good idea. I'm up for that idea and if we get to that stage where I can suggest that, I will.

[getbiii]

im having a very very rocky road to reconciliation too but im happy =) im always positive, but i have no hopes. im glad to see you handle your situation well too. i think thats all you need to get them back, positive atittude and love in yourself