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Am I just pushing her farther away?


LonelyJedi

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So, I have initiated NC again. It keeps going on and off for me, I gotta stick to the game plan lol.

 

I apologize for the long read, the details will hopefully get a more accurate answer.

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I got back from work one night extremely late and I was in a pretty bad mood. Tons of homework to do, getting sick, parents, etc. My patience was thin, and I was frustrated with everything.

 

I saw she posted as her status, "Someone please punch me in the face". So then I asked her about that. She was just like, "Idk. I just feel like I need to be punched. I can't decide on anything, big or small. Or school." I asked her what would make her happy, she said, "Idk. I'm neither sad nor happy." I told her I don't like seeing her unhappy, and she kept saying, "I'm fine. I put on a show at school so people won't bother me". I took this the wrong way (maybe) because of the mood I was in and just got frustrated to the point of saying, "I try to make you feel better, and but it never works. I tell you that you are amazing, beautiful, and the joy in my life. You don't believe me. It never goes anywhere". Then she said, "I'm sorry? I don't believe anyone

 

Then I just kept saying how she keeps pushing me away when I try to help and she isn't like she used to be, and that I was sick of trying. I also told her to stop getting my hopes up of getting back together, then crashing them down. I told her that I felt like a "Plan B" on the backburner just waiting. She just said, "Ugh Dan...." and then I told her sorry and I went to bed. I just got an "Okay."

 

I knew I made her mad, so I told her sorry the next day and that seemed to do the trick. So I drove her home yesterday because she asked for a ride (stupid move right?), and we were pretty quiet. Then when I got home she posted as her status, "I'm so stupid. So very, very stupid and pathetic". I asked her what was the matter, and she was like, "I'll tell you later". I argued why not now, and she just kept saying, "Cause. Just..because." I later asked her what it was and she just said, "Why do I have to tell you everything?" I told her that we need to communicate and try to help each other. She said, "Chill. If a girl doesn't want to talk about it, it just makes her more upset if you keep trying to pry it out of her" I just gave up on that and said "Alright, whatever". We didn't really talk much after that.

 

Then this morning I woke up pretty pissed off. I set my status as, "Make your choice, before it's too late". I know, dumb. I acted out of emotion and she asked about it. She claimed it was about her, (which it was) but I tried to deny it. We then got into an argument on how I "need to know everything about her" and crap. I just said sorry I'm only trying to help. Then she had to leave for work.

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Do I keep pushing her away and ruining my chances of getting back together? Or am I doing the right thing and standing up for myself?

 

Thanks for the responses!

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it seems to me like you're pushing her away with ultimatum statements, not respecting her wishes *not* to talk, reacting to provocative status updates, etc. it doesnt really seem like you're buying into the whole no-contact theory - no contact allows both of you to clear your heads. an extended timeout.

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what do you mean by "apologize until i'm alright again?" do you mean until she says "its ok i forgive you" whereupon you drop a no-contact bomb?

 

not to sound harsh, but your actions make little sense for someone committed to no-contact for wholeness' sake. What you're doing is continuing the push-pull dynamic.

 

a lot of the things ive read about no-contact with women indicate that they're very sensitive to games being played at this time - whether or not this is so, if she gets it in her head that you're playing games, that impression will stick. and if you're initiating no-contact with the intent of getting back together, it will damage that goal...

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People have said that NC helps provoke those "I MISS YOU" feelings. I did NC for a few weeks, and it worked. She said she missed me, and said (and I quote), "I was just thinking how happy you make me sometimes, but I can't bring myself to make myself yours again

 

From what people have told me, she is the one who is "stringing me along" and "playing games". People have also said, "Maybe she doesn't realize that she is stringing you along".

 

I am not quite sure as to what I should do at this point, to help get back together with her. I'm thinking that I should talk to her as to what I should work on. Althought I haven't told her this yet, but I have come to the conclusion that I have some insecurity issues and can get a little over the top sometimes.

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I have come to the conclusion that I have some insecurity issues and can get a little over the top sometimes.

 

that might be a good reason for you to hold off on contacting her ?

 

i can relate to those feelings, and they've sabotaged relationships in the past for me. I can only hope that this time i've corralled them in time, before irreparable damage was done.

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[...] I am not quite sure as to what I should do at this point, to help get back together with her. I'm thinking that I should talk to her as to what I should work on. Althought I haven't told her this yet, but I have come to the conclusion that I have some insecurity issues and can get a little over the top sometimes.

 

Groan. Don't ask your ex to assign you self-help tasks as though she's your therapist or coach--she does NOT want that role, believe me.

 

If you want to gain respect, go off and live your life and work on the things you want to change all by yourself. Involving an ex in the process is a surefire way to never be seen as BF material again. Ever. Nobody wants to parent someone else, and once that dynamic happens, there's no turning it back.

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I think you need to try to start to move on. This girl knows that you want her, but she's not interested in reconciling at this time. She's not stringing you along so much as you are stringing yourself along. You are pushing her to talk to you. Stop that. If she has a feeling, let her feel it. Keep her at a distance and stop trying to solve her problems. Good luck bud.

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She's not stringing you along so much as you are stringing yourself along.

 

well put.

 

where your apology is concerned, it might even be a good idea to just hold off on that until she contacts you. i get the feeling that it may even push her further away if you dig it up.

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I think you need to try to start to move on. This girl knows that you want her, but she's not interested in reconciling at this time. She's not stringing you along so much as you are stringing yourself along. You are pushing her to talk to you. Stop that. If she has a feeling, let her feel it. Keep her at a distance and stop trying to solve her problems. Good luck bud.

 

well put.

 

where your apology is concerned, it might even be a good idea to just hold off on that until she contacts you. i get the feeling that it may even push her further away if you dig it up.

 

Ms Darcy

 

Yes, that is very well put. I'll have to try to distance myself.

 

feejruin

 

When she gets back from work, she said she would txt me later. I'm thinking that I should just talk to her normally and nice like nothing happened. Then before I go to sleep tell her that I am sorry, and try to get her in a good mood.

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dan, something to think about before you start planning everything there.

 

one, that's a sign of controlling behavior. it doesnt seem that way, sure. you want her to be in a good mood. but read through your words again "try to get her in a good mood" - you are trying to manipulate her feelings. again, not to sound harsh, but its a slippery slope there.

 

two, what if she doesnt txt? is there a backup plan for that?

 

three, you replied that you would try to distance yourself. This is not distancing. It takes me back to your earlier question about apologizing and then initiating no-contact. You are being torn by conflicting impulses, and attempting to act on all of them.

 

right now dan, you are focused solely on her feelings...but more so, on how her feelings affect how she thinks about *you*. this is self-defeating. When people say focus on yourself, it means yourself, period, and not how others affect you.

 

lets stop the planning. the manipulation. the REACTING. act. act on yourself, prevail over your impulses. take a deep breath, step back. Leave her be. let her come back on her own time.

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Yes, you are right. I have TONS of stuff to work on. Insecurity, controlling, and acting on my impluses.

 

Thank for you the advice fee, I appreciate it. It helped me open my eyes to the real situation.

 

I think I'm just gonna go with the flow, and let her come back to me. I need to stop acting and getting paranoid. Have to just relax lol

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its not a problem dan. believe me i face those same problems too. found out last night an old buddy of mine has the same issues as well but has acted out in much worse ways than i have. its an eye opener. i think i have some issues under control but they always have a way of sneaking in. vigilance and self-awareness is important.

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I think you need to try to start to move on. This girl knows that you want her, but she's not interested in reconciling at this time. She's not stringing you along so much as you are stringing yourself along. You are pushing her to talk to you. Stop that. If she has a feeling, let her feel it. Keep her at a distance and stop trying to solve her problems. Good luck bud.

 

This should be clear as crystal and is what I recommend...Move on. If she wants you, she will come back...if not, you will find someone better.

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