Reality Check

[bighair]

Hi All -

 

I haven't been on this site in a long time. I used to post pretty regularly and decided to take a break. Anyway, I've been dating someone for close to 3 years now. Generally speaking, we have a solid relationship, and we talk about our future together.

 

He and I are in a conflict. My birthday is coming up in April. It lands on a Sunday and I just found out that the Friday before is a local holiday. My boyfriend and I have been talking about going away for my birthday. So, I was pretty excited that I had a long weekend.

 

IN bed this morning, he told me that he has been invited to the Bar Mitzvah of a close friend's son that same weekend. It is out of town and requires a plane ride, etc....He hasn't seen these people in a number of years, and many of his old friends would be there. He plans on going and would like to celebrate my bday that weekend before. I cannot take time off from work right now for a variety of reasons. My boyfriend is not inviting me to the BM because he says I'd be bored and that still isn't the way to spend my bday.

 

My boyfriend said things like: it's just a birthday, you're not a little girl anymore, what the big deal?" He believes that spending my birthday on another weekend is enough and that sometimes we can't do things on our actual birthdays. I found these statements to be insensitive. So, we ended up having an argument this morning.

 

I really hate spending my bdays alone and feel some anxiety about spending it alone. This has much to do with not being 25 anymore. I don't want my boyfriend to go to this event but I know that he isn't going to go along with the plan. I know he'll just resent me if I make him stay. I really don't want to go to some stranger's bar mitzvah either.

 

So, it seems I have to accept this and make the best out of the situation.I am trying to go away to see some friends, but that may not work due to the last minute nature of this whole thing. Hopefully, I'll get plan B off the ground.

 

My question to you, dear friends: Am I overreacting? Does this mean he doesn't care about my birthday? Should I expect to be invited to this event?

 

Your thoughts are appreciated.

 

Thanks.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Bar Mitzvah's are planned way in advance..I find it hard to believe that he didn't know about this Bar Mitzvah until now. Are you sure there is nothing else going on here? If he did get a last minute invite to the Bar Mitzvah then he should have declined to go because he made other plans. People don't generally give last minute invites to Bar Mitzvahs. Something doesn't sound very kosher about his story.

[bighair]

He got the invitation 2 weeks ago for an event scheduled on April 17. I believe him.

[DN]

Yes, I think you are over-reacting. It's not just an important and one-time occasion for an old friend's son but it gives him an opportunity to reconnect with some old friends and talk over old times. And that isn't something he can do at any old time because the occasion won't arise that often, if at all.

 

But you don't have to celebrate your birthday on the actual day. I think this is a sacrifice you should make cheerfully and in an understanding way.

[annie24]

since you have a long weekend, why can't you go with him? i think it might be a good opportunity to meet some of his old friends. i know he said he didn't invite you, saying you would be bored, but i don't know - i would like to meet the old friends of a long term boyfriend. you can go with him anyways and celebrate your birthday in that city - you said that was sort of the plan in the first place, right? maybe you could have some fun exploring that area as well.

[DN]

I usually agree with Annie but not n this case. He already said he wasn't going to invite you because you would be bored which is a polite way of saying he wants to reconnect with his friends without having to include you in every conversation about old times and so he doesn't have to worry about making sure you are entertained.

[annie24]

I usually agree with Annie but not n this case. He already said he wasn't going to invite you because you would be bored which is a polite way of saying he wants to reconnect with his friends without having to include you in every conversation about old times and so he doesn't have to worry about making sure you are entertained.

 

and i totally see where you are coming from. i guess depending on the group of friends/family, i can see why someone might be bored. especially at a bar mitzvah. however, if they have been dating for 3 years, talking seriously about their future, why not bring her?

 

but yeah, i get it. there are some places i wouldn't want to bring an SO, not out of disrespect, but because they'd get bored while i was chatting it up with everyone else.

[bighair]

He really doesn't want me to go because he wants to hook up with people he hasn't seen in a while. He isn't being that direct but I think he doesn't want to worry about entertaining me. I would like to meet his friends, but this doesn't seem like the right opportunity.

 

I am trying to go away for the weekend to see some friends who live a few hours from me. That isn't working out right now because people have plans.etc..etc.

 

DN - I appreciate your honesty. But, my BF has children from a previous marriage and they take trips together without me, and I stay out of it because they need to bond. So, I do make lots of sacrifices..you have to when you're in a relationship.

 

That said, I don't think I deserved some of the things he said to me today either. What it is...he's going and I have to suck it up.

[annie24]

what about going away for a spa weekend yourself?

[bighair]

what about going away for a spa weekend yourself?

 

Yes, good idea.

[annie24]

yeah, since you have 3 days off, you may as well do something fun for yourself and enjoy the weekend. just celebrate your birthday the next week with your bf.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

IN bed this morning, he told me that he has been invited to the Bar Mitzvah of a close friend's son that same weekend.

 

He got the invitation 2 weeks ago for an event scheduled on April 17. I believe him.

 

I am having trouble with this. If this was such a close friend he would have known about the Bar Mitzvah long ago. Is this the invitation that he got two weeks ago that he is only just telling you about this morning? Bar Mitzvah's are planned many, many months in advance, often a year in advance because of the Bar Mitzvah lessons, booking the synagogue etc. If this was such a close friend he would have been told long before the invitations went out. Something is just not sitting right about the whole thing. Is it possible he is going to this with his ex wife?