I finally plucked up the courage to tell him EVERYTHING..Need help getting through this :(

[Just Me85]

So, I finally laid my cards firmly on the table. Whenever I tried to tell him how I feel about him and that I'm falling in love with him (my best friend) I've gotten choked up and been unable to. I finally plucked up the courage to send an email explaining everything, because I've been acting different around him. I made myself very vulnerable to him, so it took much bravery!

 

I explained that I'm not asking for him to be my boyfriend, but that I don't know what to do about these feelings and I don't want to lose him, and that if he ever did feel the same I'd be willing to give things a shot and take it at a snails pace, working hard not to abandon the friendship.

 

This was his reply:

 

"Okay thought I might as well reply back on email seeing as though it's the easiest way to get everything written down at once!

 

First of you, you're wrong about me not wanting to talk about feelings... it's just I don't like talking about this! The reason is though, is because I feel like I can never give you a definite answer, and what help does that give!? Probably does more harm than good tbh, I know it would wind me up!

 

Let me start from the beginning, why do I not want to be a relationship... basically, I'm an a**hole! I know, hard to believe right!? Obviously I have thought about what it would be like to be with you. But, you see that's dangerous. Without even knowing it, I'm starting to see me behave in the same way I have done in the past. Basically I hate it, I don't really want to go into specifics here, but it's weird, because even though I know I'm wrong... I still feel I'm right, and I want to be like that. I actually discussed this point with mum (not about you, just in general) and she said well... just change ffs!? Without the ffs part of course, but I don't want to? You're obviously thinking * * * he is going on about, because even I am at this point. Definitely one trait that I can admit is wanting control over the other person. That's awful, I know it is. With my ex at the beginning I could twist anything round to make it seem like it was her fault, and I actually enjoyed doing this. Later on after lots of arguments I lost this power, and tbh it was the beginning of the end.

 

You. Hello! To be honest I find it quite hard not to want everything with you. You're gorgeous, I can talk to you about anything, music taste yeah yeah obviously the best ever lol, you make me laugh... who wouldn't want that? But we have all that now, the risk is too high. See the above paragraph to see why anything more than what we have now would only ruin things. You say about taking things slow, but I know I'd fall in love with you well quickly tbh, the basis is already there!

 

Past. Goodbye! Or maybe not? I still think about my ex everyday, and it wouldn't be fair to get into anything with anyone until I have truly said that I've moved on, and I can stop being bitter. Even though, in some ways, I don't want to stop feeling that.

 

The way we are now... I like it, obviously. I mean, we both know the other night was amazing, I mean, damn. Only, I did feel a bit bad afterwards. Even though I am truly truly not, I still get the impression that you think a part of all of this is just me using you for sex. This is why I try not to instigate anything, usually... the other night I just couldn't resist, sorry! I am basically happy for it to stay as it is, but if you want to stop just tell me and you can gradually forget about me. That's ultimately what I think you should do, just that last point there. Right now, I'm just not there babe, I'm not in the place to make decisions so you need to get on and find yourself another man, someone who can give you what you want! Sure seeing you with someone else would hurt a bit, but knowing you're happy would make up for that...

 

I'm sure I've missed parts out of what I thought about in the bath there, but this has got pretty long pretty quickly. I hope some of that's helped either way.. I'm off to bed now so I'll talk to you tomorrow yeah?

 

Sweet dreams xx "

 

I was never in this because I wanted a man, I was in this purely because of him. If I wanted just any man I could have that easily.

 

I know you are all going to tell me to move on, but I dont know how I can. I really have fallen in love with him. I don't want our friendship to end and what we have is special. I want to show him that not all girls are bad. But I feel like by the time he is over her, I will be old news and he will want someone new and exciting.

 

I wish I was good enough Please dont tell me he doesnt deserve it because he does. He is amazing. Please dont tell me to move on because Im not ready and Im not sure I could if I wanted to.

 

I just want some words of comfort, some advice. What do you make of this email? How do I proceed. I dont want to stop hanging out with him and being close, its pretty much all I look forward to lately.

 

x

[SometimesShy]

I don't know the specifics of your friendship, but from what he wrote it really sounds like he wants to "have his cake and eat it too" ( all the benefits but none of the commitment ), and does not want to change his behavior.

 

Being in love with someone like this is a recipe for disaster, as you will probably never get the relationship that you want from him, and this could go on for many years.

 

...It would be interesting to see how he would react if you had another man in your life, as this might force him to grow up if he's worried about losing you, but if he doesn't care then that is a clear sign that he's not the right guy for you.

[Just Me85]

Yeah I understand where you are coming from. Specifics are pretty much that we are very close friends, and have been a long time before anything started happening between us, though we do have a very long and complicated history!

 

Its mad because a few years ago it was him doing all the running, and it was me who was unavailable and turned him down. Funny how things change!

 

Im just not sure about moving on yet, I dont want to date people for the sake of dating people, I want to wait for someone more special than that, its just I have actually never gotten along so well with someone in my whole life! Its gonna be unlikely I'll find that in someone else.

[greywolf]

I disagree with sometimeshy. It sounds like this guy has clearly stated what he wants from you. If he wanted to use you, he could have easily strung you along.

 

Also, I don't believe that fear of losing someone is the same thing as love. In fact, I think it's quite the opposite. Fear of losing someone is a selfish need, and I believe that love is about giving. He's your friend and he wants you to be happy. I want my bf to be happy, even if that means he'll be happier with someone else.

 

As for the second part of your post, OP, it has nothing to do with you not being good enough. He clearly said in his email that he's not ready for a relationship at this point. I know you said that you don't want to stop hanging out with him, and that you're not ready to move on, but I think that you'll find yourself frustrated each time you do hang out with him. You obviously want more and you're selling yourself short by settling for the bits and pieces that he gives you.

[redherring]

He sounds like he has self esteem issues.

 

From what you've both said you'd probably have a good relationship with each other, but he clearly doesn't want that right now (if ever, are you prepared to wait? thats a huuuuuuuge risk to your emotional health)

 

Sleeping with him is a terrible idea! Don't do it again! Then he can't 'have is cake and eat it to'...

 

hope things work out soon xx

[Just Me85]

Thanks Greywolf,

 

I really do understand what you are saying here. I get kinda angry that I find it so hard. I wish I didnt have these feelings damn it! Then we could carry on as usual and be super awesome friends forever.

 

I know its selfish and I hate that about myself. It burns in my chest. I want him to be happy I really do, the selfish part of me wants to be the source of that happiness I guess. I want to learn to let go and love him unconditionally, then maybe I will be at peace with myself over this?

 

And thanks redherring

 

I feel almost as if I do not have a choice. There is a huge part of me that believes that he just needs to be loved by his friends and needs to realise that people don't always let you down in life. I feel as though by turning my back on him as a friend because of all this I will be making his self esteem issues worse. He stills says things that even though they are true give me hope. I know he cares and he just wants to see me happy, tbh that just makes me love him more

[fLuiD]

I like his ability to be straightforward and not beat around the bush or string you along. Now you know where he stands and I think you can make an educated decision on how you want to proceed with him.

 

I would treat this as a friendship with benefits where one partner fell for the other, and wasn't supposed to. In these situations, I think it is best to distance yourselves from each other for a little. Let things settle down a bit because now emotions are stirred up and you didn't get the response you were looking for.

[lavenderdove]

You're wanting to rush in and nurture him as if he's been wounded, but honestly, i don't see any of that in what he wrote to you. He's more saying HE'S the one with the problem and he's not interested in fixing it.

 

I think he is trying really hard to let you down easy by saying HE is he one with the problem, he thinks you're great BUT he wants you to find someone else because he's not interested. Honestly, if he really loved you the way he should, he'd be jumping on the opportunity. He's just trying really hard to make you feel OK about being rejected by him.

 

So let's talk about what happens now. He's made it very clear he wants you to find someone else and forget about anything other than a friendship. He's saying he's having a great time with you as a friend, but it is not going anywhere else. I know you want to hang onto him, but the problem there is the opportunity cost. While you are pining over him, you're not going out and meeting anyone else and getting ALL your needs met. You're locked in a fantasy relationship with him, but it isn't real. What you've got is a FRIENDSHIP with him, so you have to ramp back your expectations and actions to match a normal friendship, not a romantic fantasy he has made it clear he doesn't want to participate in.

 

So i think you have to work hard to align your thoughts/feelings with the reality of the situation. Perhaps that means stepping back and not seeing/talking to him, until you've got that under control. If you're not ready to let go yet, then cut back the amount of contact with him, and definitely don't get into snuggly situations with him. The truth is that many (most!) young men who don't have a girlfriend, if presented with a warm compliant body, they may be tempted to have sex. But it doesn't mean he wants more. All it does when you do this is get you excited and stimulate more romantic fantasies, so don't do it.

[lavenderdove]

The other thing is that the worst thing you can do is to try to pretend to yourself and him that it is OK that you are just friends. Your reaction above shows that it is NOT ok with you, in fact, you are unwilling to accept what he has told you and you want to hang onto the romantic fantasy that he will end up with you.

 

So he is being honest with you, and you are not being honest with him if you continue to say friendship is OK when it really isn't. So your best bet is to pull back for a while, until you have the romantic fantasy under control, and then you can really be friends with him again without a hidden agenda.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Quite honestly I found his note very offputting...Yes, he was honest, but in a very cocky, arrogant way. I think you should distance yourself from him for a while because hanging out with him is just going to be very difficult on you as you will hope for more. I suspect despite his words of not being over his ex, he will be looking for someone else to date. It will rip your heart to shreads being friends with him and then learning that he is dating someone else. What may be the hardest thing for you to do right now (walk away and put some distance between the two of you) is the thing that you really should do for your own self-preservation.

[Just Me85]

Gah I hate this! I get so angry that I cant just be friends and not be bothered by this. I guess thats a risk I took by getting involved...

 

I know I should pull back, but its very hard when he texts me every day, calling me his best friend, making plans to hang out, asking me what I'm up to at the weekend etc.

 

Its very hard to ignore

[lavenderdove]

I think you should just be honest with him... tell him that being 'best friends' right now won't help you get over him and the idea of dating him, that you need some time away to get over it.

 

If he really is your best friend, he'll understand that. You might try it for a month (no contact) then see how you feel if you see him again. And you really can't be best friends with someone you fall in love with... it just doesn't work. So i'd email him back and tell him you need a month to try to get over it, and to not contact you during that time.

 

But honestly, sometimes the best way for someone to discover he DOES have more than just friendly feelings for you is to stop contact entirely. He may realize he can't live without you, and hence decide he does want to date you. But if you are giving him all the contact he wants while he still is free to date others, he has no real reason to get into a relationship with you because he has most of what he wants with no obligations.

[Just Me85]

Yeah..I want to be able to do that, I need to find the right time. I would do it today if I could but we already have tickets for a big night out on the weekend which to be honest I do not want to miss as I have been looking forward to seeing this live act, so will see him then..then next weekend he is away so thatll be a good time to pull away I think.

 

Also, this sounds really silly, but we both REALLY want to go to this music festival in Croatia, its going to be amazing but its not til Sept..but nobody else wants to go so it would just be us to, which obviously is a bad idea but I want to go for the experience and the music so bad! Its like we have all these plans..hopefully I can be better by then, but he wanted us to buy our tickets this month...

 

Oh the pressure..I will pull away, and take a couple of weeks when I can

 

x

 

I do worry though that if I do this I will have a month of my feelings growing (absence makes the heart fonder) in which time I can convince myself of all sorts of rubbish and fantasy, perhaps I need to face the cold hard reality to really believe its never going to happen. Im worried by cutting off for a month (which in a lot of ways I think is a very good idea by the way), Im worried it will breed false hope in me that he will miss me.

[pl3asehelp]

even though I know I'm wrong... I still feel I'm right, and I want to be like that.... Definitely one trait that I can admit is wanting control over the other person. That's awful, I know it is. With my ex at the beginning I could twist anything round to make it seem like it was her fault, and I actually enjoyed doing this. Later on after lots of arguments I lost this power, and tbh it was the beginning of the end.

x

 

You want to be in a relationship with this person? Really? Do you yearn to be controlled an manipulated? You like narcissists?

[lavenderdove]

You need to do whatever it takes to pull your own feelings back in again... But i do think that that will have to be less contact with him in general, since you should be spending your time out meeting eligible men who do want to actually date you, and if you're with him all the time and still have a lot of feelings for him, you won't be getting out and really looking for a new partner.

 

So this 'best friends' scenario works for him because he's in the driver's seat and has companionship and a woman who worships him while he has time to look for a new woman, or wait to see if his ex comes back, or whatever. You need to do what is right for YOU, and that probably means really cutting back how often you see him.

 

Treat him like any other distant friend. Perhaps agree to do things where you have shared interest (like a music festival now and then), but don't see him a lot alone, or spend all the time texting and talking to him and hanging out with him.

 

You need to free yourself emotionally to connect with another man, and that means you need to distance yourself from this pseudo relationship with him. He's getting all the bennies of a relationship, the closeness, the caring, without actually being your boyfriend. So you need to find a real boyfriend to spend all that time with, and you can't do that if he's taking up your time and thoughts.

 

Perhaps you could wean yourself off him... how much do you normally see/talk/text him? Start by cutting that in half for a week, then cut it in half again, then gradually you will get used to not interacting with him constantly nor depending on him emotionally. Escalate more contacts with other people besides him, and less contact with him.

[SometimesShy]

I disagree with sometimeshy. It sounds like this guy has clearly stated what he wants from you. If he wanted to use you, he could have easily strung you along.

 

Really? ...You get that he has a clear idea about what he wants?

 

...Because to me, he sounds like he's all over the place, doesn't really know what he wants ( other than to not be in a relationship ), is a self-declared assh*le, but doesn't want to change this...

 

To me this sounds like typical young male behavior, where they don't know what the f*ck they want from life, let alone a relationship, and they are comfortable cruising along with no strings or responsibility, because they're having fun right now.

 

Also, I don't believe that fear of losing someone is the same thing as love. In fact, I think it's quite the opposite. Fear of losing someone is a selfish need, and I believe that love is about giving.

 

...I never said fear of losing someone is the same thing as love. I mentioned that I would like to see how he would react if another man was in the picture, because most men change their behavior big time when there is competition around. Sometimes you will suddenly see young goofballs become the man they were meant to be, when there's a risk of losing someone they care about. ( often they had no clue about their feelings until the competition arrives ) This is a wake-up call, and nothing else short of electro-convulsive therapy is going to get them to get their act together.

[greywolf]

Really? ...You get that he has a clear idea about what he wants?

 

...Because to me, he sounds like he's all over the place, doesn't really know what he wants ( other than to not be in a relationship ), is a self-declared assh*le, but doesn't want to change this...

 

No, I don't think he's clear about what he wants, but he made it clear what he wants from the OP.

[Just Me85]

Thanks for your advice so far I really appreciate it when I had it sorted in my mind he changes AGAIN!! Arrrrg...

 

At the weekend we went out clubbing with friends and I got ready at his place because its near the club. I was very well behaved and kept things platonic Yay Me, despite him saying how "hot" he thought I looked, I hung back.

 

I had it settled in my mind we are going to be friends. He felt the need to try and claim me again in public. Whenever a guy shows me attention hes there like a shot pawing at me like a dog, trying to hold hands or kiss me. If he really wanted me to find someone else then why doesn't he let guys talk to me!?

 

Then when we walked home I caved somewhat and we did kiss. But inhibitions were lower, I had had a drink and it was a moment of weakness which went no further than that.

 

He had also been drinking. When he got home he text me saying

 

"Im actually ready to give up life and dedicate everythin to you. By the way you looked really pretty tonight."

 

* * * !!! Its like he totally contradicted himself. He said the next day he remembered sending it but that it was "a bit cringe wasnt it." and made a joke of it, but it didnt seem like a joke the way he wrote it.

 

Its like just as I start to move forward he follows. Its so frustrating! Any further advice would be great. I feel as though I should take what he said with a pinch of salt until he's serious enough at least to say it and not take it back.

[lavenderdove]

He's drunk and horny and thought you looked hot and wanted some FWB sex.

 

He sobered up and doesn't remember it.

 

Plenty of men sleep with just about any woman when they have their drunk goggles on. Don't take it as making 'progress' towards a real relationship, until he actually asks you out on a date and is willing to acknowledge you are dating. Otherwsie he's just like every other drunk guy in a bar pawing women when he's drinking.

[bambina maxima]

This guy sounds like a class-A jerkwad. Personally, I'd roll my eyes the next time he sent a self-absorbed email like that.

 

He told you you were pretty because you were pretty (go you!!!) --- and he was horny.

 

Hon, you are feeding his ego, pure and simple. I predict this guy is going to relish breaking your heart. I suggest you move on.

 

And what was that drunk nonsense about "Give up and dedicate everything to you"? Barf. He is spewing out grandiose words without backing anything up. You'll tire of his pretty words...eventually.

 

Sorry if I sound harsh, but this type of man is toxic. I think you should be the butt-kicking woman you know you can be and walk the hell all over him.

[MrWallFlower]

He's not going to buy the cow as long as he's getting the milk for free. I think he's absolutely clear in his mind what he wants. He's not being clear with you because he doesn't want it to be so obvious to you.

[Just Me85]

I just didnt think he'd treat a best friend of 10 years like that...oh well NEXT!

 

I still want to be friends because it seems silly to throw away 10 years of a platonic friendship over something so trivial as sex. He must be pretty desperate if he's coming to me anyway..

 

Bambino your post really cheered me up for some reason off to strap on my stilettos and do some stomping lol.

 

It's kinda annoying though how he wont let me go properly. I guess he is kinda self absorbed, though he would be the first person to admit that too!

 

I also very strongly believe that with his ex he loved her more after she left him. You never know what you have got until its gone afterall, and when they were together he took it for granted. I think its been more of a bash to his ego than anything.

 

x

[lavenderdove]

I think you might eventually be able to be friends, but you need to pull WAY back for now and try not to see interact with him for a while if he is doing such nonsense.

 

He's enjoying the attention and playing this game, but really, you ARE a great person and need to be looking for someone who genuinely wants you all the time, not just when he is drunk and feeling horny or weak.

 

Plus this 'give up life for you' talk is nonsense... It's like he's being tempted by the devil to give up everything that is important to him (his freedom? his ability to chase other women? to wait for his ex to come back?) to 'give in' to you, like the thought of a relationship or sex with you is a sin or a bad habit or a weakness. What kind of person talks that way?

 

He obviously is screwed up and in my mind that is NOT a compliment, because he basically saying he WANTS to resist you because you're a delectable little piece of cake to him as opposed to a human being whose feelings he should not be jerking around because he is screwed up.

 

I know it makes you feel a bit powerful or like there is hope when he says this kind of thing, but really, it more like he knows he doesn't want you/a relationship but if you dandle yourself in front of him often enough, he feels it will be OK to take advantage of you because he overcome with temptation in the moment, not because he really wants to be with you. You want someone who really wants to be with you in every way, and who doesn't spend his time trying NOT to be tempted by you.

 

Don't fall for this... you really need to see him only in groups, no more than once a month or so until he either decides he does want to be with you because he misses you too much, or you get over his game playing and dead end flirting with you.