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Is there no future for us?


faithful14

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My mom and I were talking about relationships today and she told me that she doesn't see my boyfriend and I getting married in the future. She said because we don't spend a lot of time together as a couple. We usually see each other 2-3 times a week and it's because I am still in school and working while he just graduated from college and looking for a job.

 

We have been together for over three years and my boyfriend and we have talked about the future and how we both want to be together in the long run and get married. The problem is that I am still waiting to finish school and get a job and he still needs a job and has to be able to be financially dependent. My mom says that after three years, there should be more progress(like moving in together or seeing each other more often). Her comment really bothered me and made me wonder if this is true. If you're not spending more time together or the relationship hasn't made much progress yet, does that mean there is no future?

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I don't think so. When you're young and in school, the amount of time together before you "progress" can be a lot longer and there can still be a future. If you and your boyfriend are happy with the progression of your relationship then don't worry about the comments from your mom.

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What matters is your compatibility. Are you able to listen to each other? Are you able to resolve most problems with little friction? Are you able to compromise? Are you able to love, even in the worse of circumstances?

 

Financial and career situations can change very quickly, from bad to good, or the other way round. A relationship isn't based on those circumstances.

 

What matters is the quality of the time you spend together, not the amount.

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We do have a great relationship, we have our arguments every now and then but he's overall a great guy and his family loves me. Our time together is great and I have no complaints at all. I guess even though he has told me he wants to marry me down the road, I guess I want more reassurance, something other than his word. I'm not saying I need a ring or we need to move in together, but something a little more concrete that shows that we are together for a reason and that I am not wasting my time.

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I have to agree with your mom that 3 years is enough time for things to have at least moved forward quite a bit. Honestly, I have known women to go with a man 6, 7, 8 years still thinking they might get married to them one day. Your mom doesn't want you to be one of those women (and she knows it is harder to meet men as you get older - smaller dating pool).

 

She means well for you and I honestly think she just really believes what she is telling you.

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I think two or three times a week is pretty good since your lives are so busy and in a time of transition. I think your Mom is wrong. Once things settle down career-wise then it would be reasonable to expect a change in the relationship status.

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I think thats BS.

 

For several years of my relationship, we worked opposite schedules...so for the most part..two days a week together was ALOT of time together.

 

We were both two very busy individuals who focused on our personal lives and acheiving personal goals, but we're also very committed to each other.

 

I would have taken offence if my parents had made such a comment to me! The only comments I have ever heard were positive, because they saw us together during the times we had together, and they saw our compatibility, our connection, the way we had fun together, the way we rolled with the punches, the maturity, and commitment we had to each other.

 

We didn't move in together till 5.5 years into the relationship. We were both finished school and working full time, and in fact we received high praise for doing it smartly. Waiting till we were both in a good position to take that next step. We had talked about if for years, as years passed the goals we had together shifted, and became more of a reality as time approached to carry out our goals together.

 

You two are in no position for that next step. If you can't afford it, then obviously its not going to happen.

Your Mom's logic really doesn't make sense, in my personal opinion. If you two were both in a good position, done school, working full time and nothing was happening, then yes..I'd see a problem. But I see nothing wrong here with your situation.

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My mom and I were talking about relationships today and she told me that she doesn't see my boyfriend and I getting married in the future. She said because we don't spend a lot of time together as a couple. We usually see each other 2-3 times a week and it's because I am still in school and working while he just graduated from college and looking for a job.

If she had worded it as "I don't see you getting married soon because of your situation right now," then that's agreeable. You even stated that you're not ready for it now. Did she mean it that way?

 

If she thinks you shouldn't get married because you both don't see each other often, then it's BS. If it makes you feel any better, I had it worse than you. My boyfriend and I were forced into an LDR for a few of years, from transferring into a school that was farther away and one of our parents deciding to moving out of state after I finished college. We sucked it up and made it work. Granted we took a year break to date other people, but we still made it work. We were in an LDR for 4 years out of the 6 years we dated, and we're no longer living further away. We would only get the chance to see each other 1 weekend a month... 2 weekends if we were lucky.

 

Seeing each other 2-3 times a week is plenty. I know some couples would envy you for having the opportunity to spend at least 3 days a week to spend time together.

 

My mom says that after three years, there should be more progress(like moving in together or seeing each other more often). Her comment really bothered me and made me wonder if this is true.

Like I mentioned, it all depends on the individual and their situation. Remember: YOU are in control. You ARE progressing through finishing school, and so is your boyfriend by looking for a career. Your futures are so up in the air now until you BOTH get settled. Right now as it stands, the marriage comments need to back off until you're both are serious and are almost ready to head in that direction... otherwise it's going to drive you nuts listening to your mother hound you over it! Don't let your mother dictate your life and your relationship or it can ruin it. Let it go out the other ear

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There will always be something bigger and better we are working for or waiting on in life - that degree, that big promotion, that house deal, etc. IMO, they aren't really valid excuses for not marrying if two people love each other. Kids (having kids) are a different story and a different thread altogether.

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There will always be something bigger and better we are working for or waiting on in life - that degree, that big promotion, that house deal, etc. IMO, they aren't really valid excuses for not marrying if two people love each other. Kids (having kids) are a different story and a different thread altogether.

 

Because love pays the bills, puts food in your stomach and a roof over your head?

 

They are 22, still in school with no jobs. They get a marriage license, go to the court house, and live in their parents basement?

 

There's nothing wrong with having financial security, or finances! before getting married. There's nothing wrong with wanting a place to live, or afford to live on your own, and have a wedding. You need money for those things.

 

The impression you're giving is saying that love is enough. You're in love, it doesn't matter if you can't afford to live together, or that you have no jobs, or that you're not in a position to take those steps.

 

Three years really means nothing if you're not both in a position to move forward. They are still 22.

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Thanks you to DN, Asti, and Kumatora for your responses. It's nice to know that other people have been in or are in that position. We both are not financially ready to move in together and Im not in a hurry to move in or get married right now. We both have expressed our desire to do so when can afford it and when we are both a little older. I'm 22 and he's 25 and we are still trying to work our towards being able to move in together and such.

 

My mom's comment hurt me but it made me question our relationship since she is older and has more experience. I thought maybe she's seeing something that I am not. But I do think she's wrong. We do have a great relationship and there's no one else we want to be with. I'm okay with our relationship taking more time as long as it's goes somewhere in the end.

 

And misskitty, I appreciate your response and I think you are right about what you said: I think my mom is worried that I might be strung along being with him for this long but I don't think those are his intentions.

 

Thank you guys for your responses. I feel much better after having talked to you guys : )

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With all respect toward your mom, I don't think that was a very kind thing to say in terms of how you might feel emotionally after that... Though she likely intended well...

 

Someone else described perhaps a better way to put it, as "not married anytime soon, because..."

 

At your tender young ages, 3 years has a different connotation than someone in their 30's or 40's in a romantic relationship...

 

More generally speaking, I've never liked the idea of someone else imposing "shoulds" on another person's situation...

 

If something is working healthily feeling & positive feeling for two people in whatever way/shape/form they've set up, is up to them to decide... And same whether it is not...

 

EDIT: I see you've read all replies & seem in a better place with it all OP. Good.

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