Best friend and ex

[RockyRaccoon]

Ok, so i'm not quite in the state of total shock that i was earlier, so i can bear to write a little more about this. My best friend, who i live with, came clean today. He told me that he's been seeing my ex-girlfriend for a few weeks now. During the conversation, i got a little mad, and told him that he's betrayed me. There are certain rules and boundaries that you just don't break or cross. He tried to tell me "Dude, come on, those are just in your head man, there's no rules." A little later, i told him "You're picking her over me, you know that right?" He tried to deny that too. I straight up told him, "Look, if you're going to keep seeing her, i can't be friends with you." He told me i was being unreasonable at this point. He said that he liked her, and that he thought i was being controlling and he should have a say in this. He told me if it came to it, he would move out though.

 

A little backstory on this situation, it might get confusing. Originally, i started dating my in October of 08. A few months later, my best friend starts dating my girlfriend's best friend. It was a great match up for everyone. Then, at the end of summer, my best friends girlfriend was studying abroad, so they broke up. My girlfriend and i dated until New Years, and then she broke it off with me. When she broke it off with me, i was worried about the two of them getting together, because they're good friends, and anything can happen (and does apparently.) She promised me that that would NEVER happen.

 

For the past month or so, i've kind of been suspecting that something might be happening between them, but i tried to put it out of my head. I wanted to trust them, because i thought that they cared about me. I did everything i could not to worry about it. I will never not follow my instincts on something like this again. The funny thing is, i was at a party about a month and a half ago, and my ex was there. I was sitting in a chair with her best friend (my best friends ex) having a conversation. I went to talk to my ex's best friend tonight, and she told me that my ex actually had the nerve to ask her friend what we were talking about. Her friend didn't tell her, but i can't believe what a hypocrite she is.

 

My life has basically been flipped upside down. We're all part of the same circle of friends. I know that my friends are going to take my side, most of them have already told me, but they're still going to be friends with them. What am i supposed to do? Ignore it? This is going to be one of the hardest things i've ever done.

 

I will never talk to my ex again, that bridge has been burned. As for my best friend, i don't know. If he breaks it off, then i may try to be friends with him at some point, but we'll never be best friends again, probably not even close friends. I can't trust someone who would do that to me. If he doesn't break it off, then i will absolutely never talk to him again.

 

I don't need people like that in my life. They're untrustworthy, and not worth my time. That's that.

[Niinjaa]

I don't completely understand what upsets you about them dating?

 

I mean, I get that she's your ex, and everything, but I mean, what makes it such a *huge* deal? If they're happy together and everything, I mean? Unless you still have feelings for her. I could understand the anger at their sneaking, and her lie, but I guess I don't get the full jist of it.

[H20]

WOW...this must be such a hard blow for you. I know someone that this EXACT thing happened to. He let a good friend stay with him and his then Fiancee'...because he was down on his luck. of course one thing led to another and they ended up having an affair.

So he kicked them both out.....but it was the best thing that ever happened to him. About six months later he met someone else and fell in love.They have been married almost 10 years and have two daughters together. And yes..his ex DID try to come back once things went bad with her and him. To which he laughed at her.

 

I know it's tough, but they did you a huge favor. I would avoid any and ALL these people

for as long as you possibly can.You HAVE been doubly betrayed. But it will get better as long as you keep your dignity about you.

[H20]

I don't completely understand what upsets you about them dating?

 

I mean, I get that she's your ex, and everything, but I mean, what makes it such a *huge* deal? If they're happy together and everything, I mean? Unless you still have feelings for her. I could understand the anger at their sneaking, and her lie, but I guess I don't get the full jist of it.

 

I disagree .I think it's sort of an unwritten rule aboUt dating a friend's ex'.You just DON'T. And his ex SWORE she would never do that to him. So she also LIED to him. I totally understand why it's a huge deal.

[J1535]

I could understand it too, I wouldn't know what to do if this happened to me

[RockyRaccoon]

I don't completely understand what upsets you about them dating?

 

I mean, I get that she's your ex, and everything, but I mean, what makes it such a *huge* deal? If they're happy together and everything, I mean? Unless you still have feelings for her. I could understand the anger at their sneaking, and her lie, but I guess I don't get the full jist of it.

 

It's been less than three months since she broke up with me. I'm still in love with this girl, and he knows it. He knew it would hurt me, but he did it anyway. Friends don't do something that they know is going to hurt their friend if they can avoid it, and this was completely avoidable.

[Niinjaa]

It's been less than three months since she broke up with me. I'm still in love with this girl, and he knows it. He knew it would hurt me, but he did it anyway. Friends don't do something that they know is going to hurt their friend if they can avoid it, and this was completely avoidable.

 

Oh, okay. Well, in that case, it *is* completely unacceptable. I must not have read it completely. I didn't realize it was such a short timespan, and that you still liked her.

 

Wow. That's a crappy friend.

[RockyRaccoon]

Well, just like i thought, i can't sleep at all. You know, there's some days in your life that completely crush you and change your life. This is definitely one of those days. I don't know how to deal with this at all. What am i supposed to do? Getting over a breakup is one thing, but this is in a completely different league. I honestly don't know if i'll ever be able to put my trust in people besides my family like i should be able to. That's it for me and women for a loooong time.

[Niinjaa]

Aw. I hope you don't give up completely. I mean, not all of us are bad.

[RockyRaccoon]

Aw. I hope you don't give up completely. I mean, not all of us are bad.

 

I hope i find a nice one someday, but it certainly won't be anytime soon. I just wish i didn't have to go through this, if only i could fast forward time This healing process is going to be torture.

[Niinjaa]

Yeah, I understand. I wish you the best of luck, though, and hopefully you find someone who actually deserves you soon.

[RockyRaccoon]

I hate them right now. They have no hearts to speak of. The two people that were supposed to be closest to me are gone now. I know it's just a rebound. I know it will never last. All the reasons she broke up with me, he's a lot worse about than I am. I can't wait until they break this thing off, and realize what they've thrown away. I can't wait until they day that they try to make amends with me so that i can just laugh in their faces.

[DazB]

"Dude, come on, those are just in your head man, there's no rules." A little later, i told him "You're picking her over me, you know that right?" He tried to deny that too. I straight up told him, "Look, if you're going to keep seeing her, i can't be friends with you." He told me i was being unreasonable at this point.

 

He has contradicted himself there(In my opinion). It's fine for him to go out with your ex but not fine for you to be upset and to 'dump' his friendship. He does not seem to value or respect your feelings.

 

Is it ok for him to do this? No opinion counts more than yours. You decide this and no one else. If it's not ok by you then it is not ok.

[Blackey]

ohh man, im so sorry for you.

As a person who got betrayed twice in his life by his best friends, i can tell you something.

First of all, i would like to start by saying that if he did it to you, so he was not as good of a friend as you thought he was, this is the hardest part, to acknowledge the gap between what you thought he was to what he really was.

This "friend" of yours is most likely going to choose your ex over you, well what can you do he is weak and he cares more about basic needs and opposite sex than higher higher virtue such as friendship.

This person could have betrayed you at any point of time since he is weak, so it just happened that he betrayed you now, its hard, but could have been in w worst situation.

As much as you care about him and you still kind of consider him as your best friend, as you said the trust factor is gone, he can never be your best friend again... perhaps one day just a friend...but im not sure if you want it.

It is a double shcok...break up and losing a friend, or rather being betrayed by a friend, so it is going to be a little more difficult to overcome it, but the more you progress, the more you heal, trust me i know how it is.

If, he would decide to stay with your ex, i say cut all ties with him, it is hard but you will have to remember that he is not your friend anymore. You still have other friends around you, DO NOT LOSE FAITH IN FRIENDSHIP.

people come and go, some of them will stay your friends, and others will leave...thats life...but some people worth your trust and you will benefit greatly our of their friendship, trust me i know it.

If it will be really hard on you to see these 2 together since you are all in 1 circle of friends, try to make new friends and spend time in a different circle of people, it is always a good thing to make new friends, for your break up and for the betrayal by your best friend.

All in all, do not lose faith in friendship, it just happened that he wasnt your best friend in reality, but out there there are good people who as your best friends would give anything for you, as i said i got betrayed by 2 of my best friends and after i never lost hope in friendship and i do have 2 best friends right now, i do not know if they will ever betray me because i do not know the future, i just know that these guys always been there for me and always helped me and vice versa, so its a great feeling to have someone backing you up.

[RockyRaccoon]

I've purged my belongings of everything that my ex ever gave me. I ripped up all the physical pictures I had of her, and threw them away. Ripped up all the notes and threw them away. Untagged myself from every picture on facebook with her in it. Deleted all the pictures of the two of us that i had on my computer. I donated all the sorority shirts that she gave me to the salvation army, and a pair of sleeping pants that she had for most of the time that we were dating. There's nothing here to remind me of her. After this Sunday, i'm going to find a new church to go to also, one that won't remind me of her.

 

He stayed at her apartment last night again. I'm about to block him on facebook and untag all the pictures that i'm in with him too. When he gets back, i've got a few things to say to him. I'm going to tell him that i don't want her coming over here, and that he needs to move out ASAP. We share a few books for classes, and we're going to have to keep them somewhere where we can both get to them.

 

This chapter of my life is over, time to turn the page and continue the story.

[Blackey]

you are doing the right thing dude, stay away of these 2 and do not forget about Karma- what goes around comes around, both of them will get what they deserve eventally.

Meanwhile work on improving yourself, this is the best revenge.

[RockyRaccoon]

you are doing the right thing dude, stay away of these 2 and do not forget about Karma- what goes around comes around, both of them will get what they deserve eventally.

Meanwhile work on improving yourself, this is the best revenge.

 

I've been improving steadily since she actually broke up with me. I've lost about 15 pounds. I read my Bible almost everyday now, compared to never back in December. I've been working on being patient and not getting angry and just being a lot nicer person in general. I've been doing a better job of it too, except in this situation. This is one of those times that i can't help but be angry.

 

Just blocked him on facebook and untagged all pictures of myself with him in them. I'm just waiting on him to come back now, so i can say my final few words to him.

 

All the rest of my friends are being great about it. I was over at mutual friends last night watching basketball and drinking a little, and they completely agree with what i'm doing. They've all lost a lot of respect for the both of them. They're better friends than the other two ever were.

[PKNY]

If this was like a year or two down the line I might tell you to try to accept it, but after three months your best friend should really be there for you and not her. Sorry about this, if I was in this situation I would probably be holed up in my room all day. It's a good thing you found this forum at least to help you through.

[doesitmatter30]

I feel ya man. I know how it feels. One of my exes cheated on me with like 8 or 9 of my friends within 3 weeks, and then when she left she took every friend I had with her. I know how it is to not have anybody to confide in. It takes time but if ya keep pressing forward the feeling numbs. after it numbs, you start to move on. I had to do NC with basically everyone I knew except my parents.

[RockyRaccoon]

I couldn't handle being holed up in my room all day. I know i'd start obsessing over it and that's the last thing i want to do. I'm just trying to forget now.

 

I don't know if anyone knows the song Operator by Jim Croce, but it's about a guy whose girlfriend ran off with his best friend. I listened to it a few times yesterday. Anyway, i was at Food City with one of my other roommates and there was a cover of Operator playing. It kind of made me feel better, like all this was just supposed to happen to get the people out of my life that aren't worth my time.

 

I feel ya man. I know how it feels. One of my exes cheated on me with like 8 or 9 of my friends within 3 weeks, and then when she left she took every friend I had with her. I know how it is to not have anybody to confide in. It takes time but if ya keep pressing forward the feeling numbs. after it numbs, you start to move on. I had to do NC with basically everyone I knew except my parents.

 

That's terrible man. I'm sorry you had to go through that. I can only imagine how much worse that would be than my situation. All of my friends have been pretty good though, i'm glad i've got people to talk to. I know i'm not alone in this and it's making it a little easier.

[Lifes4Living]

I will never talk to my ex again, that bridge has been burned. As for my best friend, i don't know. If he breaks it off, then i may try to be friends with him at some point, but we'll never be best friends again, probably not even close friends. I can't trust someone who would do that to me. If he doesn't break it off, then i will absolutely never talk to him again.

 

Im sorry, I cant imagine losing 2 friends in one shot but I know this sort of thing happens. For me, true friends know the boundaries and that is a huge one. Some people on here "may" have a differing opinion but remember its all opinion, ive always lived my life by the rule of no regrets, and that includes doing what you feel is right in YOUR heart and mind. So look after yourself

[im_the_undead]

man i'd be SO pissed. you just don't do that kind of thing....... not when you respect and care for someone.

 

so apparently your friend thinks it's A-Ok to date your ex knowing that it bothers you..Hmm, SHADY much?

 

people always put their best interest before anyone else, [although subconsiously they are well aware that it's NOT the correct thing to do, they do it ANYWAY], and we're left with two choices.

 

1. let it slide

2. let them go.

{well there's one more option but i'm hoping you're not the revenge type of guy}

 

people come and go, you'll eventually get over it & live peacefully again

[RockyRaccoon]

I'm definitely not the type of guy that goes for revenge. I would never wish any harm to either of them, no matter how mad I am at them. I definitely can't let it go though either, not yet. I've been wronged and they're obviously not sorry about it. Someday i'll forgive them in my heart, even if they don't ask for it, but the pain is just too real for that to happen now.

[im_the_undead]

i know how you feel, for some reason friends just love to betray me

there's nothing that's really helped me cope any faster... it all takes time, lots and lots of TIME.. and distractions.

why don't you go out and do something fun?

just like my ex friends, it's apparent that your ex friends don't see the wrong they've done and probably won't.......talking to them would be a waste of life..

so just screw them and do something new

[RockyRaccoon]

I didn't go to church this morning. I wouldn't be able to handle being in that church. Next weekend, i'm going home for Easter so i'll be going to church with my parents. The weekend after that, i'll be getting a fresh start at a new church somewhere. I need to look around.

 

He stayed over there once again last night. Since he stayed over there, i know she's not going to church anymore. Number one, i don't think she would take him to church with her because she goes with her family. They all like me and i don't think that they would approve at all. Second, he can barely call himself a believer. I've talked about it with him before. He doesn't believe in most of the bible, and he certainly doesn't believe in organized religion. He would never go to church with her, that's just not who he is.

 

One of the reasons she broke up with me is because i didn't go to church with her. It's funny that she's quit going and yet here i am, going for myself. It doesn't really make me angry, but i'm highly disappointed. It's strange how people can just throw away their values and what's important to them for someone new, especially when she just broke up with me for them. I know eventually when things cool down, she'll realize that she's putting God on the backburner.

 

I'm thinking about moving out instead of making him move out. I've got a few friends in the same complex, and one of their roommates is moving out this summer. I think i'm going to move in with them. I can't stay in this apartment, it's going to remind me of the two of them, so i'd rather just get a fresh start out of this and put it all behind me.