Should i go back to my Wife

[lee2010]

20 years relationship - ten years married - one year split

I Care for my wife so much but i've now lost the love i once felt for her and ive told her this. I am no longer sexually attracted to her because she has had a weight issue for well over 5 years now and phisically it doesnt feel the same. I have been telling her this for years and still no change. She started to smoke also and the stress from our young kids and my job made me badly and i sort of had a nervous breakdown and was on Diazapam for a week.

 

I left after that and stayed with my Owner (mum) feel so much relaxed but i still miss my wife and i care about her so much.

 

Problem - I have met a girl and she is the perfect match for me so i believe but her 4 teenage boys (wild) are the only obstruction from it going any further. I see her twice a week due to this and try to keep us two separate.

I know this cant be the case forever and if it was to work i would need to take them on board too (GULP)

 

Problem 2

My wife still wants me back, i dare not tell her about my new girlfriend cause i dont want her to hurt anymore than she already has. She's suicidel, thats how bad she now feels about us and after almost a year split she is only just starting to open up and tell me how much she loves me and wants me back.

A little late now after i got tied up with another woman

 

I just dont know, should i try this again with my wife and hope it works for the kids sake and maybe we can work things out together or should i tell her and let her release me.

I then run the chance of loosing everthing if it fails again and i am getting no younger.

 

I know that all i want is to be happy but it is very hard to find this it seems

 

Thanks for any advise - wish this could be more detailed but i dont like doing this sort fof thing.

[metrogirl]

Well if you aren't attracted to your wife, how would things work out if she can't or won't makes positive changes that you find attractive? I think if you go back and nothing changes, she is going to be extremely hurt that you left a 2nd time.

[lee2010]

Your very right thanks, she has now started to loose weight in desperation to get me back but the weight is not just the problem. I think we have developed a clash of personalities now and we are at each others throats (not literally) far too often.

I feel really bad about leaving her and she blames me for wrecking her life and leaving our children. Its got really deep and she's on A/D - I didnt mention but i have tried to go back once for a week and it didn't work because i could stop thinking about this other woman!! I may just be a sado but i've really for for her or i would have tried a lot harder with my wife. I just cant bare her to be hurt i do care for her so much and i am hurting her because i wont tell her the truth. She still believes we can work through this and i would like it to work out too but it is looking very dull.

 

Life is * * * * at times

[hexaemeron]

Your owner? Did I miss something?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Your marriage won't ever get back on track as long as you have another woman on your mind. Your wife needs to make changes within herself so I don't think getting back together with her is really going to help her all that much. She has to change for herself. As for the woman you are dating...right now you think she is amazing....however, the bloom will likely be off that rose once you have to deal with her unruly teenagers and her likely lax attitude toward parenting. Her children are part of the package deal so perhaps this woman is not for you either.

[HeartGoesOn]

When all is said and done, the choice has to be yours. Are you in the process of a divorce? Either way, it might be better to be on your own, and single for a good period of time, in order to decide what you want.

[Hermes]

Lee:

 

I can only echo Heartgoeson's advice. This is no time for getting entangled in another relationship --a relationship which may not work out at all, due to the 4 teenagers this woman has. Do try at this stage not to complicate your life further.

 

Have you thought about seeing a counsellor (therapist) with your wife? If nothing else, it may clarify matters on both sides - yours and hers. I really think it would be useful, and allow you to reach a reasonably calm decision.

 

Upheavals do happen at some time in most if not all marriages.

 

Your wife may not have been happy for a while, and may have eaten a lot to compensate, and turned to smoking, all of which in turn probably lowered her self-esteem. She is probably scared and hurt, and in need of support, so a visit to a counsellor I feel would do good all round.

 

Wishing you luck

Hermes

[lee2010]

Aw thanks guys - really appreciate your help here. All from a female prespective too.

I have told my wife this evening about the other woman. I sent her a text message and told her i was seeing someone else but i have just finished it because i am so confused (I called my girlfriend and told her it has to end)

I totally agree on the terms that i should have stayed single. Someone else said this to me ages back, " Stay single until your mind is clear and do not complicate things any worse by getting a third party involved "

 

Seems this is my problem here, I have jumped straight out of the fire into a storm of other complicated issues. I have considered councilling but does that stuff really work?

If you cant solve matters between yourself then how can somebody else help.

 

I've lost everything and its all down to one simple thing at the end of the day.

Happyness! I can cope with weight probs, smoke, drunken stupers, arguments but i cannot stand a controlling woman and she can never change that, shes already said so.

 

Looks like i am part of the new singletons list from now on. Cant see it lasting like because at the moment i am like a dog on heat.

 

bye

[minou]

20 year relationship and you told her by TEXT about another woman? What is wrong with you? And you say you care about her? Maybe she got controlling because you have a selfish and insensitive streak. I don't know. Sure you fell hard for some "strange" without the hassle of a backlog of unresolved issues. I think that in some circumstances the ear of a third party professional is always helpful, if only to help the ending, if that's what happens take place with clarity and compassion. Sometimes people feel like they are not in love or lust anymore because other feelings, whether resentments or whatever, are clogging the flow. Kind of like a drain pipe that needs drano. Therapy can be like drano. It's not at all unusual to have couples convinced it is over have a hard time keeping their hands off each other after a good session.