12 Years - Want her back.

[MrNiceGuy2010]

About a year and a half ago, I got out of a very long 6 year relationship. At first I never thought that I would be able to find someone as great as my ex who I was sure loved me (until she fell out of love).

 

Well for the past 12 years, I have been friends with my high school sweetheart. We've always been friends although we haven't always been in constant touch.

 

Since we broke up in high school, she's been trying to get back together with me. She says she loves me and has always loved me.

 

We grew up together and she's the only person I can say I feel in love with the moment I saw her. I knew that she was who I wanted -no one else - just her.

 

She's tried to re-enter my life on a couple of occasions since high school, but I was in a relationship with my most recent ex who I adored. So I couldn't do anything. She ended up having a long term relationship with a guy and got engaged and broke it off. I was engaged to my ex until she broke up with me in Oct. 2008.

 

In April of 2009, my high school sweetheart and I started talking about getting back together. We laid everything out on the table for each other. The biggest red flag for me was that she had cheated on a couple of her boyfriends. And her biggest red flag was that I had just gotten out of a 6 year relationship.

 

Anyways, she was graduating from pharmacy school and I told her if she got a job where I was then I'd date her. She thought about it, but decided to take a job that was a better fit for her close to home. She said she couldn't justify moving for a guy without any level of committment first.

 

So we hung out a couple times; but she was livid that I decided to date another girl from high school even though that girl was long distance. I insulted her when I told her the truth. I was afraid of committing to long distance with her because of her cheating ways.

 

I mean, I don't really think she's a cheater in all circumstances. She dates men who don't appreciate her. Not a reason to cheat, but I think she could be committed. Anyways - it hurt her feelings.

 

That was in July or so.

 

about a month ago she said she wanted me out her life because she said that I would never come around and that she was going to start seriously looking for a long term relationship and that she just has to let the emotions go.

 

Before, I knew that if I wanted, I could be with her and she'd drop anyone she was with to be with me. I don't think she would anymore.

 

I still have the same worry - that she'd cheat on me in a long distance relationship. The weird thing is that I trust her simultaneously. I feel like she would be faithful to me.

 

Still, I can't stop thinking about her. I haven't told her, but I want to get back with her. I want her back and want her to know that I didn't choose other people over her. I want her to know that circumstances and insecurity messed me up.

 

Basically, I want to be with her, but I don't know what to say.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I think you really need to clarify within yourself if it is her that you want or you are just feeling lonely and now that she has moved on you miss the feeling of having someone want you.

[MrNiceGuy2010]

yeah i've done that. Her ultimatum was a wake up call.

[Brownstone322]

To be honest, I don't feel so good about the approach either one of you takes. In your case, you seem to have gotten comfortable with the idea that "she'd drop anyone she was with" to be with you. Phases like that don't last, and you probably don't get them back.

 

Then this bothers me about her:

 

... she said that I would never come around and that she was going to start seriously looking for a long term relationship...

Who goes looking for a for a long-term relationship? These things kinda just happen. If you're looking for them, you're not gonna find them.

[MrNiceGuy2010]

Yeah, I think she might just be trying to propel me into action. Not sure though.

 

Do you think I should not get back with her?

[JBaker]

Who goes looking for a for a long-term relationship? These things kinda just happen. If you're looking for them, you're not gonna find them.

 

I think this would be her way of saying that what she wants right now in her life is a long term committed relationship. The OP has thus far been quite unwilling to provide that for her. Therefore, she is forcing herself to (finally) move on from him so that she can open herself up to someone else who could give her what she wants (a LTR).

 

To the OP:

If you want to be in a long term committed relationship with her then tell her. My sense is that she told you that partially in the hopes that you would respond by saying that you CAN give her the relationship that she wants. So if you have decided that you can, then tell her. If she accepts, great. If she does not, move on.

 

At any rate, this is what you need to decide. Can you can give her the committed relationship she wants? Can you trust her enough?

 

One question: Why can you not move closer to her? You asked her to move closer to you, why can't you be the one to move closer to her?

[JBaker]

Do you think I should not get back with her?

 

No one here can answer that for you. Only you can answer whether she is worth it to you to pursue a committed relationship.

[justletgo07]

Yeah, I think she might just be trying to propel me into action. Not sure though.

 

Do you think I should not get back with her?

 

Is it just me, or did you not really care about being with her until she decided to move on with her life?

 

That's what concerns me. You want her now because she's seemingly unattainable. If you read through your own words, you dated other girls and didn't make her a priority until she more or less rejected you.

 

To be honest I don't think you have real feelings for her. I think you just have a bruised ego.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Who goes looking for a for a long-term relationship? These things kinda just happen. If you're looking for them, you're not gonna find them.

 

People do all the time...lots of men do...lots of men play the field and aren't serious about relationships, then one day they wake up and say "my playing days are over, I need me a wife"...and guess what...the next person they date is the one they end up marrying. I see plenty of women who also decide they want a long-term relationship and they do whatever it takes to get one. Now I am not saying these men and women are great catches, I am just saying that there are plenty of people who decide they want a serious relationship and lo and behold it magically appears for them (because often they are willing to settle for anyone at that point).

[MrNiceGuy2010]

Thanks for the response. I could move closer to her, but the legal market is pretty messed up right now. I'm in a pretty prestigious position right now and the pay is great. If I moved to her town, I wouldn't be in the same market and so my opportunities for growth as a young attorney would be stymied somewhat and I'd have to take a paycut.

 

She's a pharmacist and she doesn't exactly have to be tied to a city.

 

That being said, moving to her town would put me closer to home and my family and her city has a lower cost of living. She LOVES her job and while I enjoy my job, I'm not jumping off the roof like she is. If we make a serious go at it, after about 8mo-1year I'd move if things were progressing well.

[MrNiceGuy2010]

Is it just me, or did you not really care about being with her until she decided to move on with her life?

 

That's what concerns me. You want her now because she's seemingly unattainable. If you read through your own words, you dated other girls and didn't make her a priority until she more or less rejected you.

 

To be honest I don't think you have real feelings for her. I think you just have a bruised ego.

 

That isn't true. We discussed getting together before, but 1) she wasn't willing to move to where I work; 2) I was concerned about some of her habits in prior relationships; and 3) I had just gotten out of a 6 year relationship.

 

It just didn't make sense. For her it didn't make sense choosing a job for a guy who wouldn't commit. And for me, I couldn't commit so soon being out of such a deep and emotional relationship with my ex. I didn't want to make her a rebound.

 

In any event, her statement made my realize that I might actually end up losing this opportunity if I don't act quickly. My feelings are real, but the sense of urgency has been increased.

[MrNiceGuy2010]

Anyone have any thoughts on dating someone who has cheated in the past? Is that sort of behavior always going to be present? Is it likely to be present in future relationships? She said women cheat for very specific reasons and if those reasons aren't there, then she's perfectly capable of staying faithful.

 

She also told me that because she respects me and that we'd be more serious than any of the guys she's casually dated, that she would not cheat on me under any circumstances, that she would try to work out any problems first and if things were really bad she would even break up with me before she would cheat.

 

comforting and sad at the same time.

[Ms Darcy]

Anyone have any thoughts on dating someone who has cheated in the past? Is that sort of behavior always going to be present? Is it likely to be present in future relationships? She said women cheat for very specific reasons and if those reasons aren't there, then she's perfectly capable of staying faithful.

 

She also told me that because she respects me and that we'd be more serious than any of the guys she's casually dated, that she would not cheat on me under any circumstances, that she would try to work out any problems first and if things were really bad she would even break up with me before she would cheat.

 

comforting and sad at the same time.

 

If they cheated once then there is a slight chance (not likely). Twice? Nope.

 

One would think that after cheating once you would learn your lesson, regret the hurt you caused, and never do it again. It's not enough to say that the guys weren't very committed. See how easily she framed you as not committed.

 

You would be making an unwise move being with her. And your instinct told you this when the thought of dating her at a distance scared you.

[MrNiceGuy2010]

If they cheated once then there is a slight chance (not likely). Twice? Nope.

 

One would think that after cheating once you would learn your lesson, regret the hurt you caused, and never do it again. It's not enough to say that the guys weren't very committed. See how easily she framed you as not committed.

 

You would be making an unwise move being with her. And your instinct told you this when the thought of dating her at a distance scared you.

 

Right. I tend to think that if there is a pattern and practice of behavior then it is probably going to be consistent throughout.

 

But as Crazyaboutdogs noted, sometimes people can be sort of free spirits and then decide one day to settle down. I honestly truly believes she wants to be with me. That I would be the one for her and she wouldn't do anything to jeopardize that.

 

But I guess that might be pipe dream.

 

My head says one thing; my insticts are torn and my heart says another.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Right. I tend to think that if there is a pattern and practice of behavior then it is probably going to be consistent throughout.

 

But as Crazyaboutdogs noted, sometimes people can be sort of free spirits and then decide one day to settle down. I honestly truly believes she wants to be with me. That I would be the one for her and she wouldn't do anything to jeopardize that.

 

But I guess that might be pipe dream.

 

My head says one thing; my insticts are torn and my heart says another.

 

Free spirit is one thing...cheating while in a relationship...repeatedly...is quite another matter. She can tell you anything she wants and promise you the moon..but the fact still remains is that she thought it was okay to remain in a relationship even if she wasn't happy, and mess around with other men. Instead of choosing to end the relationship, she chose to remain and cheat. That says a lot about her morals and values. Once could be a mistake...but the fact that it happened repeatedly and she is making excuses for it is very telling. I wouldn't trust her.

[happythoughts]

I don't agree at all...I think you are getting WAY too hung up on her past. If you go out with another girl there's a chance she could cheat too....basically there is always a chance you will get cheated on. If you think this girl could make you happy and fulfilled and you love her...then run to her and don't look back. You will be able to tell by her ACTIONS how she feels about you. It's a harsh thing to say but grow up...people have pasts. Those relationships where she cheated may have been utterly wrong for her...but you could be the one for her and she'd never, ever think of cheating on you. Don't miss out on happiness because she had a life - and made some mistakes - before you.

[MrNiceGuy2010]

I don't agree at all...I think you are getting WAY too hung up on her past. If you go out with another girl there's a chance she could cheat too....basically there is always a chance you will get cheated on. If you think this girl could make you happy and fulfilled and you love her...then run to her and don't look back. You will be able to tell by her ACTIONS how she feels about you. It's a harsh thing to say but grow up...people have pasts. Those relationships where she cheated may have been utterly wrong for her...but you could be the one for her and she'd never, ever think of cheating on you. Don't miss out on happiness because she had a life - and made some mistakes - before you.

 

 

Well I understand what you're saying, but there's also the idea that past behavior is predictive of future behavior.

 

Look, I'm only 26. I'm in no hurry to settle down. I would love to settle down with the right person and I would commit to the right person, but I'm in no rush.

 

As an adult, it makes sense for me to take my time and figure out what makes sense. Too many people just focus on their feelings and ignore the other factors that can influence success or failure of relationships.

 

So, if it makes sense, I'll do it. If not, I'll pass. I don't believe in their only being one person for people. If it isn't her, I'll find someone really great.

 

I'm just trying to make sense of the situation.