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I need advice before I send this to the ex initiating NC


HopelessRomanc

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It's been almost 2 weeks since we broke up and so far we have spoken quite a bit and I know it's not good for me in the long run. So should I send this?

 

 

 

"Hey, I really don't want to do this and I know I'm gonna regret sending this as soon as I do. I'm not very good at doing what's best for me, usually I just do what makes me happy right now and that's talking to you. But I'm scared this will turn into another Alex deal*. I know you aren't enough of an ******* to use me for sex and I know that we would be great friends for a while just like Alex and I were. But one day you will get a new girl and it will kill me and I won't be able to see you anymore. So maybe it's best to skip all that and skip to the pain of losing you now not to another girl. When we first broke up I knew it was over. But since you said you miss me and that you never know, we might be back together in a few months, ive had false hope that we will be back together soon. I'm waiting for you to want me back and that sucks. I miss you so much already, I know it's gonna hurt more to not talk to you at all. The simple fact is I love you and I want you back and being friends I'll always want more. It was hard enough hugging you the other day when all I wanted to do was kiss you. You are the most amazing guy I know and I take pride in that fact that I dated a guy like you. No one can make me laugh like you do, and that's what makes me the saddest but I can't be friends with you if that's all we will ever be. I'm sorry. I'll miss you so much. I love you. Cass xox"

 

 

 

*Alex is my last ex. We stayed 'friends' after we broke up for about a year. I got jealous every time he spoke to another girl. I had a breakdown once when he spoke about wanting to start dating a new girl that apparently liked him to. Eventually it ended when I started dating the guy I just broke up with and Michael got jealous and wanted me back but I turned him down because I had moved on. [i also changed his name]

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I wanted to mention that if this has happened twice in a row and practically the same way, you might want to take a big step back and look at what you may be doing wrong.

 

From your email, I can ascertain you are kind, generous, affectionate and sweet. What do you think the problem might be? Do you think it is more your actions in the relationship or the men that you are picking?

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I'm a doormat. I also suffer from depression and anxiety disorder.

 

It's probably not the men. Although they are both funny guys that are very easy to get along with. The first ex was a manipulative * * * * * * * who dumped me and then go exactly what he wanted, a 'girlfriend' only no strings attatched. I know this guy would not do anything like it. I know he already feels beyond guilty about breaking up with me.

 

Mostly it's comfort. I don't find happiness and comfort very often. Right now it's only in him and that's why I want to be around him even if I'm not getting the full extent of what I want. That's why I seem to want to risk getting hurt even worst in the future just to find some happiness at the present point in time.

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Sounds like you need a big hug ((hug)).

 

You said your a doormat. This is positive! You know what your issue is. What do you do for depression?

 

There is a thread in the getting back together forum posted by jenmar. Would you try and read through that thread before you send the email? If you can find the time?

 

I think some good things are about to happen in your life. Keep your chin up and hold off on that email for a minute ok? You are not alone here, there are a lot of us going through similar situations so we are going to stick together.

 

More ((hugs))

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HopelessRomanc, I do feel for your loss and hurt, however, I'm going to be brutally honest with you. And I don't mean to come off as rude. antagonizing, or otherwise, just because of what I'm about to say... So allow me to apologize to you beforehand if offense is taken.

 

Three months of spending time together is a very short time, indeed. Although, being in love in that short a time may make it seem like time had stood still for you two.

 

Dare I say it, since no one else has; that you are perhaps a little needy? You said it yourself that you don't find comfort in many things, in life. He was your comfort, which makes me wonder if you believe happiness is derived from an outside source, being him, as opposed to having it come from within? Yourself.

 

There are a few factors present in what you've posted on these forums about your relationship which I've drawn the above conclusion from.

 

I do feel for you, as I've been down this road a while ago, but right now, there is no happiness for you, obviously because you're heartbroken, and not even with him because happiness has to come from you. Right now there is only pain, and it is this pain that will make you stronger. It is this painful and hurtful for a reason, and that reason is there because it will allow you time to conquer the fear, the pangs of hurt and anger on your own time and doing.

 

File the letter away... inform him when he contacts you next that you want to keep to NC.

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I know what all of my issues are, it's just so much harder to know where to start fixing them. It's like a big circle or misery. One issue causes the next. Thanks uncomfynumb you are being very supportive.

 

 

Oh I know I am needy. I was completely dependant on my last ex. It wasn't so bad with this one though. I learnt and I was so much better. It's not so much I needed him as much as I would assume the worst and panic sometimes. I just need a little more information than normal people. As long as I know what is going on I am completely fine. If he said he wanted space and told me why then it was no problem. He just wasn't much of a talker so I was in the dark a lot and that made things hard for me. I had a full blown panic attack right in front of him when we broke up. Humiliating.

I used to be really great at being alone. Before I started dating I loved being alone, I had a lot of hobbies, not many friends though but I didn't mind and I can't say I was 'happy' but I wasn't miserable. Not like I am now anyway.

 

I guess my problem is when I am really down like REALLY down, or panicking or I lose control, him being the only comfortable one I have, the only one I'm close to, I feel like he is the only one that can make me feel ok again. It's scary.

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"I know I'm going to regret sending this ... Yes you are! Should you send that? Absolutely NOT!!!

 

If I had broken up with someone those are not words I would want to hear from an ex. I would want to know that they are ok, and doing fine without me... and that all I should know. In a few weeks, even hours when this anxiety has passed you will cringe at the thought of him reading thse words.

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I know it can be scary, but try and reassure yourself, and in a way think of it this way. You were fine before he came along, on your own, being single. So, you'll be just fine once this phase passes.

 

Go back to taking the hobbies you've put on hold, but I strongly urge you to deal with the pain, and not to just push it away. There is a difference in distracting yourself when coping with such grieve to outright suppressing your feelings further by filing the emotions away, hoping it doesn't pop up again. They pop up when you least expect it to, and at times you may not even notice them, until the load gets too heavy for you to carry.

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URGH I AM SO ANGRY WITH HIM! But kinda not at the same time =(

 

We had the talk tonight. I told him we can't be friends because Im not dealing with the breakup, Im just ignoring it because I still talk to him and he still makes me happy. I told him that he confused me by saying he misses me that we may get back together in a few months. So I asked him to tell me straight out if there is any chance we will EVER get back together. First he said that he DOES miss being with me but he knows it wont work and At this time no, no chance. So I asked what he meant by 'At this time' He said 'No then' so I said

 

"Why did you tell me we might then?"

"Ok maybe in the future if it works but not now, you do want you want and try to forget me"

 

So that was all good. We talked a bit more and then he said

 

"Goodnight, sorry I'm a douche"

 

He has been really down on himself since the break up so I said

 

"What!? Why the * * * * do you think you are a douche now!?"

"Coz I gave you up and hurt you"

"Quit doing that! You make it sound like you regret it and I know you don't! Like I said, leave all the self loathing to me, it's my fault we broke up and I wasn't good enough for you"

"Other way round, you were too good for me. I do regret breaking up but I know it's for the best. Stop hating yourself over this, Im not worth it"

 

* * * !! Who tells their ex that they 1. Miss them. 2. Thought everything was going well until I brought up something I shouldn't have. 3. Who knows, we could be back together in 2 or 3 months. 4. Sometimes when you get rid of something you don't know how to feel and you start to miss it. 5. THAT YOU REGRET BREAKING UP WITH THEM!!???

 

I thought we had it all cleared up, now Im just confused again!! I don't understand him at all!! What do you guys think?

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Girl, I think you are still too available for him emotionally, just withdraw, let him now know what you are thinking, do not discuss the no contact, just follow it- no contact. the more you ask him, the more he knows you want him, the more he pulls away.

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Sounds like we are going through a somewhat similar situation and like we are somewhat similar people. I had been way too attached to my ex-boyfriend and it is making not being together so much harder.

 

I can't figure out how to work the private message function but if you want to send me one then I would love to talk through things with you! Maybe we can help each other out.

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Girl, I think you are still too available for him emotionally, just withdraw, let him now know what you are thinking, do not discuss the no contact, just follow it- no contact. the more you ask him, the more he knows you want him, the more he pulls away.

 

I am going to. I have to now anyway. I'm not sure I have it in me to ignore him when he contacts me but I will definitely be less available and less eager I guess. Simply because I am less available to him now. I am not necessarily angry with him because I know he isn't saying it to mess with me, but I don't think he should be saying those things to me if he has no intention of trying again.

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Sounds like we are going through a somewhat similar situation and like we are somewhat similar people. I had been way too attached to my ex-boyfriend and it is making not being together so much harder.

 

I can't figure out how to work the private message function but if you want to send me one then I would love to talk through things with you! Maybe we can help each other out.

 

I just tried to PM you, it said that you were not able to receive private messages for some reason. But I would love to talk to you

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Shoot me #-o Relapse much? I slept with him last night. I am so beyond angry with myself it isn't funny. What the hell is wrong with me!!??

 

Last night after I got off work I had a message on my phone from him asking if we could have breakfast together this morning, I agreed thinking he obviously had something he wanted to discuss.

 

Around midnight I get a message from him saying he has locked himself out asking to come over. He finishes work at about 11.

 

At first when he got here we just sat on the couch and talked like normal. I kept saying I will sleep on the couch and he can have the bed but he said no he doesn't mind taking the couch. We talked for a couple of hours, just hanging out like normal. Then he layed down on my bed, it was pretty late. I lay down next to him thinking we would just talk, that's usually what we used to do. We did for a while but then the topic of spooning came up. It went down hill from there.

 

We were up until 5 in the morning. We cuddled all night, probably more than we used to. We had so much fun together this morning as well before he went to work. We flirted like crazy, it felt like he really missed me.

 

I really don't feel like he is messing with me. He is definitely not that type of guy. Of course maybe he isn't what he seems but he is the nicest guy I know and has always had a lot of respect for girls. Then again I seem to have a sticker on my forehead that says 'Please use me' so I feel like I can't even blame him if he did.

 

If actions speak louder than words, then he is acting like he still wants to be with me. Is he confused? Or messing with me?

 

I'm still determined to do the NC thing. Even more than before I suppose. He is coming back sometime in the next few days. I will tell him it's obvious that if we see each other again we will just screw up again and Ill never get over him. We can't be friends because even after I get over him, if we meet up again we will probably relapse. So it's over. Unless he can convince me otherwise (get back with me and do the apology/promise thing).

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We are talking in person tomorrow. I'm not sure whether he is going to take me back or whether it's all over. He does seem to be thinking about it though.

 

Any tips on how to handle this tomorrow?

 

 

From what you say....It seems like this is all in HIS hands, What about you? Are your really a complete fool who has no control over you and what happens to you from now on? Is it really in his hands?

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You are swinging wildly from the rafters here on. A series of poor choices on your part and then you ask if he's using you? I think you need to take more control over this situation and choose not to sleep with a guy who refuses to commit to you. Sorry, hon.

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We got back together the other day.

 

We had a big talk. The main point was he said I still make him happy and he misses spending time with me and a relationship shouldn't be over till you don't make each other happy anymore.

 

It has gone well so far. We are going out with some of his friends tomorrow night and he wants to buy me tickets to a music festival in a few months so he doesn't seem to have intentions to change his mind soon but I am prepared if he does. I know he is still confused about his feelings for me and where they are going so I will understand if the time comes when he realises he doesn't see me that way.

 

In the mean time I am going to enjoy the time I spend with him and try to build myself a stable life so it doesn't all fall apart if I lose him again. Wish me luck =)

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