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How can I stop feeling guilty and remembering bad things i've done?


ToBeOrNotToBe

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Okay i'm 17 and i've been with my boyfriend for about 2 and half years who is 19. The only thing is I met him online so I don't exactly know him in person. However we have talked practically everyday of those 2 years and mostly on the phone for the past..hmm i want to say year.We also have seen eachother on webcam so i know hes not a pedophile. What i'm feeling guilty about is during these past 2 years i did alot of bad things. I lied to him about alot of things (BIG THINGS) like i don't even know why. I made up friends i didnt have and said that alot of things happened to me that didn't. Horrible things and to this day i dont know why i did it. I would say a large percentage of everything i told him was a lie. Also randomly throughout that time span i was talking to many other boys online. (Never on the phone though) and i did alot of inappropiate things with them and even considered some of them my boyfriend for a little while. Throughout that whole time i didnt really think of what i was doing and just kept talking to him like i always did not even considering the horrible things i was doing. I flirted with other boys alot and talked dirty to them. and i talked to some of my ex online boyfriends and just. tons of bad stuff. I even talked about meeting one but i never seriously considered it i only wanted to meet my Boyfriend that i talked to on the phone everyday.

 

One day this all caught up to me. Yeah i knew while i was doing that stuff that it was wrong but i was more worried about him finding out about it then the fact that i actually did it. I ended up feeling extremely guilty and telling him about the lies. He was absolutely devastated but managed to forgive me in spite of the simply sick things i made up. He even said he still loved me. A little while after that the online cheating caught up to me as well ( I call it online cheating because even though i met him online i feel like our relationship is real and not just like hes a person in a computer mostly because of talking on the phone everyday for months) and i also confessed that, but not all of it since there was so much and i couldnt remember everything specifically. I just told him about the one i remembered most. He managed to forgive me for that to but it really hurt him. Over time i have remembered more and more bad things i've done and i always tell him about them. It hurts him even more everytime though. I have stopped talking to all those other boys and keep my main focus on him always telling the truth and constantly being on my best behavior.

 

The only thing is i'm becoming paranoid. If i even look at a boy at school i feel guilty. If i even think about some of those boys i used to talk to online i feel horrible. I can't stop thinking of all the horrible things i did and remember things and telling him. Hes promised me that he will never leave me and will always give me a second chance because he loves me. We plan to meet in 3 months. (in a public place, safe environment ect. my parents know about him and approve of our relationship and meeting) I just need help to stop feeling so horrible and remembering bad things i did and telling him about them making him feel worse, and also for my paranoid feeling of being afraid of men.

 

Someone please help me because this boy and i love eachother deeply and intend to meet someday, and i want to stay with him and be happy and not have to feel so guilty. I truly love him and have repented for my sins. Please help me stop being paranoid, and guilty.

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I think the first thing to do is to ask yourself why you do the things you do. Was it for the attention? Was it an ego boost to make you feel good about yourself? Dig deep and be honest and when you figure out the real reason why you tell so many lies, and cheat (online) etc etc, then you more or less know what to do about it. It may be that you need some therapy/counselling to help you figure out what's really going on and take it from there.

 

The other thing to do is to stop doing these things.

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I know you say you love this guy but maybe youre not ready for a relationship yet? I think maybe you did those things because you were enjoying being young and flirting with other guys. Thats normal and if you still feel like you wanna think about other guys but the only thing stopping you is 'guilt' then i dont think this will work out. You're only 17 . When you go to college the urge and temptations to talk to WAY more guys out there will be present every day all the time.

 

why do you tell about each event you remember in the past? is it to make YOU feel better? cause it probably doenst make HIM feel better. I think its enough to simply say youve done a lot of stuff inthe past and you regret or whateve ryou feel and not have to bring up specific cases.

 

also you said you want to be on your best behavior now and you feel guilty when even thinking of other guys. sooner or later do you think you will feel resentful towards this situation?

 

i guess im just trying to say maybe you should take a step back from everything and look at what you really want.

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I really have no idea why I did all those things and lied. All I know is i'm sorry and that i'm not doing them anymore. I would say there are more reasons than just guilt that stop me from talking to other guys. It is more of a precaution or safety measure to keep myself from doing bad things again.

 

When I tell him random things I remember, yes it is to make me feel better. Confessing makes me feel good however what i want help with is not having to confess anymore because yes it makes me feel better but it is hurting him. I need some advice on how to stop feeling guilty about it all in general so I can move on and be happy and enjoy our relationship without constantly tattling on myself.

 

I do get counseling and my counseler told me I need to stop feeling guilty about it because I confessed and apologized and its all over now. They also suggested maybe I feel guilty when I am stressed out. so maybe I just need a find a way to handle my stress?

 

Observing the entire situation I believe what I truly want is to be with him. However, i'm not going to completely happy in the relationship unless I get over this overwhelming guilt thing/daily confession. I really want us to work out because I feel he is the person belong with. ( I don't think i felt this way in the beginning it developed over time, he claims he has felt that way since we started talking) Once the feeling started to become very strong that was when I stopped doing all those horrible things. I am positive that I want to be with him.

 

I just need some advice on how to stop feeling guilty and tattling on myself everyday. ](*,)

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