My friend is depressed, needs help but doesn't want it

[Waterlily]

Hi.

Me and Anna have been colleagues for some time and we got to know each other well 1 and a half years ago. We are in the same work group on college, and we both live 1 1/2 hours from our families. We are close, and used to tell each other everything. One day she told me that she was having problems at her home, because her sister ( to whom she's also very close) started taking drugs (cocaine and alcohol), had completely changed her behaviour and wanted to quit college. Anna doesn't know what to do. This events have made her more depressed. She has a history of eating disorder for which she was on therapy a few years ago and has serious self-esteem issues. To make matters worse, she is emotionally dependent on her over controlling parents (she's 23, and doesn't come to any decision at all without phoning her parents).

Her sister went away from home last week for the second time. Anna spent the whole weekend phoning her sister's friends to ask if anyone had seen her, expecting the worst news possible. She came back today as if nothing had happened.Her parents let her sister do everything.Because of all that, she has been unable to do anything, and cries a lot.

I try to help her in what I can, mostly giving emotional support, but some days ago it seems she's closed herself off to me. When I ask her if she wants to talk, to do something to relax,she says everything's fine. I know it's not.

I want to tell her how much I feel what she's going thorugh. I want to tell her that she can and should make decisions in her own life. I want to tell her that she is not guilty for what's happening at her home. But she won't listen. It seems that she inconsciously enjoys feeling unhappy, I don't know.

I don't want to end our friendship, but this situation is making me nervous. If i'm her friend (as she tells me), why doesn't she trust me?

[bleeder]

Hi Waterlily,

 

I am sad to hear about this.

 

Here's what you can do. Tell your friend that whatever negative things which could happen in her home, they are not her fault. Make her see that she is young and has a full life ahead of her. Life is short and we should make the best of it. Live it as a happy soul or an unhappy one, the choice is up to us. No one can make that decision on our behalf.

 

I have been through that stage where I thought I was "unconsciously happy being sad". After some time, with lots of courage and inner strength, I realised that I cannot go on living like this.

 

I have emerged as a confident soul. Your friend can do it too. If possible, see if she can stay with you for awhile. Get her away from parents who only serve to be negative influences on their children.

 

I do hope that all goes well. Keep us posted.

[hotchkiss003]

not sure how to help, but you said Anna was 23 and still living at home and she was so dependent on her overly controlling parents that she couldn't even make minor decisions without phoning them. Are her parents intervening and deliberately preventing her from learning how to make her own decisions annd take care of herself in the real world? My best advice is to be a supportive friend to Anna and show her that you are there for her and care about her and not to criticize your opinions, but if you feel like she is treating you like an emotional piggy bank explain to her that you can listen to her and be supportive but you're not an emotional sponge and she needs to make her own decisions, she is 23 and a legal adult and if her parents have a problem with her learning how to take care of herself then they're just going to have to have a problem and that she's perfectly capable of making her own decisions because everyone can't put their lives on hold to think for her. she might take it a little hard at first, but if she doesn't learn to take care of her own relationships then she'll never get her parents to stop interfering and controlling her.