Time for bed... alone.

[JohnTheMan]

At this point i'm 8.25 months from the breakup that left me crushed. Thats how long its been since I was happy. I got NC rolling 5.5 wks ago. And got the last proof I need that my EX indeed left me for someone else and strung me out for 6-7 months. I miss the life we had so much. I miss her company. I have hope in the NC. That it may finally relieve a hurt soul.

 

For me, night and mornings are the worst time. I'm sitting in my bedroom only feet from my bed. I know that when I climb inside all alone and in my mother's house (after EX broke up with me i was forced to move back home) I will be subjected to the lonliness that has plagued my life. Before my EX, being alone was no problem. She brought a different element to my life. Made me feel so full of life and happy. The day she broke up with me, I was more in love with her than ever. It didn't take a breakup to know what I had. I miss her smell, laughter, and smile. Brushing my teeth next to her and joking with each other as we prepare for bed. Throwing the TV on and climbing next to each other. Holding her in my arms and kissing her at will. Doing what I can to know she will be confortable in her sleep. Sighing in pure bliss as I dose off with the woman I love right next to me. Falling asleep knowing that when I wake up she will be right next to me and in my arms. I dred climbing into bed now. Living at my moms as a 26 yr old male. Waking up an facing the destruction her loss raged on my being. Sometimes I wake up in panic. Is this nightmere real?!? Is she really gone forever??? Knowing I won't hear the lock of our apartment door receive a key at a certain time. That she won't return from work with a smile and the news of the day. I won't hear her call her usual friends and laugh in conversation. I won't be able to suggest things to do. Take her out to dinner. Find ways to make her happy... Love her.

 

Instead i'm at my mom's. I vowed to never live at home again when I left for college. Here I am, and the woman I loved so deeply is living with her friends. Sharing herself with the man she left me for. Saying goodnight to him. Being sweet, but not for me anymore. I really feel as though I lost a soulmate. The moment she entered my life was a blessing. I loved every moment until she broke the news. I miss her. Watching her sleep. Talking to her. Being a part of her life and her enjoying that. Her being proud of me. Her faults and qualities. I miss my best friend. I miss the only woman I truly loved with all my heart and soul.

 

Here is that time. Climb into my bed and let the tears flow hoping that some entity will hear my cry. Something might ease my pain. Maybe i'll forget her. Maybe tonight I wont dream of her. Maybe i'll be lucky enough to not wake up to this world of hurt tomorrow. Its been raining far too long now. Just some thoughts that wanted to get out. Thanks for reading.

 

Goodnight

[troubleis]

it's time. time to move on. no more wallowing.

 

and i'm not coming down on you, not in the least.

 

accept where you are, and decide that things need to change.

 

what is your primary purpose in life as a man?

 

is it helping others with finances, or building things, or artistic endeavors, or traveling the world and bringing goodwill to other cultures?

 

only you can answer that.

 

let the tears flow, that's fine. then wake up and DO SOMETHING.

 

move out of your parents' house. you can still see them on weekends. get a 2nd job if you need it to make rent. i don't care if you're washing dishes or working the counter at burger king. get back out on your own. just make it happen. no excuses.

 

as a man, if your primary focus is pleasing/being with a woman, you are totally adrift and lost and emasculated. get back in touch with your gifts, and start giving them.

 

i just lost one of my best friends. he was in his 20s. car accident. the core of our friendship was music. since then, i go out every night and sing his favorite songs at the top of my lungs. it's my way of grieving, and it feels on purpose. from the reactions i witness, people are genuinely touched by it.

 

get in touch with your purpose, and live it. if you're going to wallow, at least turn it into art. share it with others. get outside of your shell, get outside of yourself. this message board isn't enough to satisfy that.

 

wake up tomorrow, and get to work.

[GenoGeno]

It's alright buddy, you're not the only one. I'm doing the same thing in a few here and the only thing i can think about when going to bed is how she would always be there with a smile going to bed with me....now it's all just gone and I feel like I've been stripped of something I need to live.

[surfNski]

Yea man, I am 8-9 months into my ex fiance walking out on me. I wish I could say I am better and the hurt is long gone. The reality is I still have days where I wake up almost in tears, I still think of how perfect she felt in my arms, I still think of how beautiful she looked when the sunset would hit her face and she would smile.

Someone else has that now, my life is empty or at best filled with things that are meant to help me forget about her.

 

Keep your chin up..keep walking through it.

[Ms Darcy]

At this point i'm 8.25 months from the breakup that left me crushed. Thats how long its been since I was happy. I got NC rolling 5.5 wks ago. And got the last proof I need that my EX indeed left me for someone else and strung me out for 6-7 months.

 

I'm sorry you are still hurting for so long, and I do agree that now is the time to stop wallowing. I'm not sure about the details -- why did she leave and how did she string you out for 6/7 months?

[JonasWaingaro]

Oh wow what a song. Glad I didn't hear that 6months ago! lol So very true though. I know how you feel, I have the same thoughts a fair amount of nights. For the first 2months I slept on the sofa. I couldn't sleep in my bed at all. I finally said 'f this' I'm at least taking back that. Been fine since though I miss having someone there to talk about the day or whatever before going to sleep. Just reading together I miss. /sigh

[JohnTheMan]

Ms Darcy, we have crossed paths here now a couple of times. Basically, my relationship with my EX seemed to be very strong. She commented how she thought we had something no one else did. We were inseperable for 2.5 years. Our relationship did have some problems. I developed a codependency on her when a lot of things went wrong in my life and I lost some good friends. I began to only find happiness with my EX. Things in our relationship got put on hold, but we were still deeply in love. I went out of state to work for 2 months. We talked a lot on the phone and missed each other dearly. 3 wks before I was to return home, I fly her out to see me and things seemed great. We enjoyed each other's company so much. She flew back home waiting for me to return. In the last two weeks I was there she began talking to a guy "friend." I didn't like the style conversations they had. It struck me as off. When I got back it all went to hell. She seemed to always try to pick fights with me at which I never went in cause I loved her. It made her angry I wouldn't take the bait. Eventually we had the conversation where she needed to think about things. I began getting more evidence of her hanging out with or talking to her new friend more and more. 12 days later she broke up with me and we parted out of apartment. I went back out of state for work. She txted and emailed me for awhile making me believe there was still a chance for us. More evidence began to show up. This went on for awhile. Many people beleived she wanted to work things out by the way she was talking. I even fly accross the country to see her on thankgs giving. She gave me more denial and said "we needed to work on ourselves." After awhile the txts were more apart. I finally flew home in mid Jan. I got a couple of txts that seemed like she might be reaching out. Until I saw more pictures on fbook of her being with the friend. 1 day after our would be anniversy I asked her to meet. She said no cause she wasn't ready. At this point i was sure she was seeing this guy. I txted her back that I again didn't want her to contact me anymore. That was 6 wks ago. 2 wks after I did that, on valentines day, pictures show up on fbook of her with her "friend" kissing and hugging and going out to VDay dinner and whatnot... So I was right, and lied to for about 6-7 months.

 

Either way it sucked. Thats only 1/5 of the details. The what ifs KILL me. I wish I had never gone to contract out of state. I felt like that last time I had the woman I loved was before I got on that plane. She died a slow death with me away after that. But more than anything I miss her. I do everything to move on. I have deleted and blocked many people on fbook so i can't accidentally see ANYTHING about her. I WILL not respond to her txts/emails, but I believe she wont contact me anymore anyways. This concept of losing someone that meant so much to you is new to me. I believed that we were the real mccoy, that we were soulmates. No other person has connected more with me, and she was an attractive member of the opposite sex!

 

I feel like I have experienced one of life's greatest tragedies... I have a lack of faith in my higher power... I was so happy with her, and to have her in my life... Out of all the things to happen to me... why this?!?!?!? I miss her company.

[Ms Darcy]

Hi John. Yes, I remember you now. I am sorry for your pain. What is so unfortunate in this situation is that you are truly mourning your memory and not who she is. She's had 7 months to lie to you. At some point, you have to take the bull by the horns in your healing process and realize two things: one, that you do not need to depend upon her to be happy and two, that you have every reason and right to be ANGRY at her. I know it hurts, but you do need to face the reality and start to accept that she is not the woman for you.

 

There is a woman out there who soo wants to commit to you and be with you for the rest of your life. To wake with you and cuddle you and share with you. She won't abandon you when you go off to work to help make her life more comfortable. She will be the one you can trust. But you cannot look forwards and find her if your mind is always turned back.

[JohnTheMan]

A lot of people in my life are saying the same thing. Its ok to be ANGRY with her. And in some ways I am, but I really don't want to harbor anger against her. For whatever reason she believed that someone else was better for her. That i'm ok with, but the way she handled things shows immaturity and selfishness. Those are things we all have been guilty of at one time or another. It just sucks she did it to me.

 

I hope there is that woman out there. I have had woman interested in me and wanting to date, but I just don't seem to find that immediate spark or attraction. At this point I guess i'm still in healing. The thought of lying next to another woman and giving her that kind of attention really disturbs me right now. I'm almost glad though. It justifies the feelings I had for my EX. It shows, that when I say I love someone than thats the real deal. If I was not affected severely about be betrayed by the woman I wanted to spend my life with, than I think that would be a huge issue...

 

Day by day.

[Ms Darcy]

The thought of lying next to another woman and giving her that kind of attention really disturbs me right now. I'm almost glad though. It justifies the feelings I had for my EX. It shows, that when I say I love someone than thats the real deal.

 

I don't know if it justifies the feelings or if it perpetuates them. Remember, your healing depends on your mindset.

[adamt]

you need to be proactive and fill your time with stuff. hobbies,sports,hiking,cycling..etc make new friends, rebuild your social life and create new memories. by being busy as much as possible is the best way to put the ex in the back of your mind.sometimes you have to push yourself outside your comfort zone to hep move on. 1 step backwards to make 2 steps forward.

[JohnTheMan]

yea, i agree. getting over her needs to be a conscious effort... finding the willpower to want that is another thing. currently, i am in therapy. i've read 3-4 books and many online articles. i will be starting an anti-depressant soon. something in me doesn't want to let her go even long after she is gone... something in me is screaming out "i will not let this happen" long after it already happened. basically, I have accepted it, but I am definitely NOT OK with it.

[bungalo]

Hey John,

 

I have felt as haunted and doomed as you feel ...many times...one thing that helps is trusting in God..higher power, entity...whatever you want to call it...Try this on: (and I am not a preachy religious fantatic)..God has a plan for me, apparently being with this woman is not part of it right now. I feel comforted by the fact that I am letting go whilst holding on. I know that I can't totally let go, so I am not resisting it. The pain comes from the resistance. Allow the feelings, don't block them. You will get through. You will have bad days and eventually good ones. I don't think it's a terrible thing. I was with her for over 5 years...adored her to the max..(still do)...BUT..I know wallowing and feeling sorry for myself will not help. Hell, even if you're thinking you have a shot at reconciling...being sad and wallowing is about the most unappealing thing imaginable to your ex. Look it's ok to grieve in private...but set a time limit each day..and then get off your butt and do something productive or fun for yourself.

[hopelessincan]

I have to stick my nose in this thread. I find it ridiculous that people tell others to stop feeling what they are feeling.

 

No one can make someone move on. Sure you can get out and do things and try and fake through it, but saying its time to move on does no good at all.

 

You cannot change your feelings for someone if you really love them. Im sure the OP and anyone else in this same boat does not like feeling like this. Who likes to sit and cry and be depressed? No one I am sure.

 

I apologize if I offended anyone, but it drives me nuts.

 

And OP for the record it is just about 5 months for me. I feel the exact same way. I am out doing things every day to (to the point that I am exhausted) and it hasnt changed my feelings or sadness. The second I am alone again, im thinking about him yet again. I absolutely cant stand being at my house. He lived there for six months and its full of memories. When I bought my house, I loved it..now I could care less.

 

So chin up and keep busy!

[brandnewday47]

I truly understand how you feel. I thought I was doing better, but had a recent setback and now the dreams are beginning to start again. The good thing for you is that for now there is no chance of accidentally seeing her and re-igniting your longing.. when that happens it really is a setback and a realization you aren't as far as you thought, trust me on this. Hang in there, you will do great.. your only in your mid 20s and have a long, bright future to look forward too!

[JohnTheMan]

i understand what everyone is saying. taking control is being pro-active about getting over my loss and hurt. building the mindset that its over, and wasn't right because she didn't think so. as i of right, i just miss her. everything about her, and tears me up to know she has been giving herself to someone else this whole time. what I thought was sacred and perfect is dead. i can't describe that pain in words.

quite frankly... i dont want to love anyone else. i gave my heart and soul to this woman without intentions of ever loving another. she was the only woman i've ever loved. i just dont know what to do anymore...

[Ms Darcy]

Face the reality that she's gone. Sorry bud.